Edward's POV of the epilouge of New Moon
The memories of everything which happened in Italy were etched in my mind forever. I could never forget the fear in Bella's eyes or the horrors which I put her through. I knew that she also hadn't forgotten because she kept talking about it in her sleep. But eventually things finally settled down. Well almost. Everyone, especially Esme, kept watching me for signs of suicidal intentions. They asked me how I was feeling relentlessly until it finally reached the point where I lost my temper one evening.
"I'm fine!" I had shouted at everyone assembled in the never-used dining room. "Why do you all keep staring at me like that?" That had shut them up. At least from asking me questions directly. I could still hear their minds, which were even now probing with questions which they were dying to ask me, but didn't. I couldn't know if they were talking about me in my absence.
The people at the hospital were more than pleased when Carlisle decided to rejoin and bluntly told him how glad they were that sunny LA didn't appeal to us. Hah. If only they knew. Maybe if they found out that we were – well at Carlisle and Esme – were in Alaska, they would have been less enthusiastic.
I was still repenting that I had left Forks last year. Alice told me the condition that Bella had been in when we left. If only I could turn back time and change what happened. I had only wanted to make sure that she had experienced every possible human experience before - I was still opposed to her becoming a vampire but she was stubborn as ever- she changed. I admit, I admired her for keeping her life together after I had left. I was not able to face anyone, the shame and pain was so great.
I could not believe that Bella was lagging behind in Calculus. Alice and myself were obviously ready for graduation for God knows which time. I would have to help Bella, I decided, and at least make her understand why good grades were so important. That was another thing which irritated her each time I brought it up. College. She had her mind set on becoming a vampire after graduation. I shuddered at the thought. And Carlisle had actually agreed to do it. She later confessed to me that she would rather that I did it but I didn't want to be the one to take her life, to stop her beating heart, to damn her to eternity. I don't agree with Carlisle that our sould remain intact after we become vampires. There is no logic behind that. How can there be? But I have started to have some insight into Carlisle's theory. How else would I have believed that when Bella came for me in Italy, I was debating whether or not I was in hell or not. But that still doesn't make me completely sure that our souls are not destroyed. I don't want to take any risks with Bella, and I cannot damn her soul. And on the other hand, it pained me to see how eager she was to be like me. Cold, hard, and heart-less. It hurt to think of how, after changing her, I would never see her blush red again, never hear her heart thump erratically when she saw me or when I touched her, never feel her warm touch. My mind was set on making sure that she was accepted in a good college so everyday when I saw her during visiting hours, I cheerfully brought stacks of college applications, to her annoyance. She was not allowed out of the house and I was allowed in only during specified timings during which Charlie avoided me. Little did he know that as soon as he was snoring, I came back in through the window in Bella's bedroom.
I knew that Bella was still trying to talk to Jacob Black and as much as I despised that dog, I really didn't have much of a choice but to let her try. She called him only after I had left at nine o'clock much to my anger and Charlie's pleasure. Bella felt extremely guilty that she didn't think of him more and couldn't do anything to keep both him and me happy at the same time. Even though I couldn't' read her mind, I could read at least this much from her face at times. She could tell by my expression, I think, when she mentioned his name how much I hated him. My insides would boil and I would again feel immensely guilty that while I was gone, she had to be comforted by that dog. From what she told me about him, at least I didn't voice my opinions like him. Apparently he would call us 'bloodsuckers' and 'leeches'. This seemed to appease her a little. I made it a point to keep her cheerful while I was with her so that she couldn't brood or feel unhappy.
One Saturday afternoon, when I picked her up from work, she had lost her temper. "It's just plain rude! Downright insulting!" She angrily ranted on about how she had tried calling Jacob from work only to get the same negative response from Billy. I made a promise to myself that I would hit Jacob Black when I saw him but then again, I thought of Bella and how upset she would be and kept my anger in check. She was very frustrated and impatient as she told me what had happened.
"Billy said he didn't want to talk to me," she huffed with anger looking out at the rain. I suppressed a smile. I could almost see smoke coming out of her ears.
"That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy says he's out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!" How could she think like that? Who could hate such a warm, caring person like her? She was under the impression that Jacob and now Billy hated her.
"It's not you, Bella" I said quietly, stating the obvious. I couldn't imagine anyone hating her, except perhaps Victoria. But no, then again, Victoria hated me. I was the one who killed James, not Bella. "Nobody hates you."
"Feels that way," she mumbled and wrapped her arms around herself. It was an action which until recently puzzled me. A few nights ago, she told me that she used to hug herself when she was in pain. Not physical pain, emotional pain. She didn't want to tell me, but I eventually persuaded her to tell me. She said that now that I am here with her again, she doesn't feel that way anymore. But that didn't erase the habit, she had explained to me. A feeling of sadness shot through me like a knife stabbing me as I saw this. The habit had formed because of me.
"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you," I said. How I wished I could say something which made her feel good. With each sentence I spoke, I felt like I was hurting her further. "He won't come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply."
"That's stupid. He knows you're not . . . like other vampires" She was so naïve. Didn't she know that however hard we tried to be 'vegetarians', it could slip sometimes? Did she forget what had happened at her birthday party? It showed me how much she really loved me. She trusted me so blindly. Maybe she was unaware of the fact that even I had felt the uncontrollable thirst that night and it had taken me all my willpower to control myself. I had to warn her again, indirectly.
"There's still good reason to keep a safe distance away." I said unwillingly. I knew now the pain of being separated from Bella. She was the love of my existence. If my heart was beating, her name would be etched in every heartbeat. I would love her till the end of eternity. Anyhow, I glanced at her from the corner of my eye to see if she reacted to my words. I didn't want to say it. I would have done anything to be with her. I didn't want there to be a distance between us. The only time I felt content was when she was in my arms. She was staring out the windshield with a slight touch of anger across her features and I exhaled in relief.
"Bella, we are what we are," I told her calmly. "I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's very young. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don't know if I could stop it before I k—" Oops. Wrong choice of words, I thought. I stopped and held my breath for a second and then continued immediately and quickly in a very slightly strained voice. "Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen."
I don't think she heard the tension in my voice. Now I looked at her, turning my head. She had a shocked expression on her face. I quickly looked ahead, in case she decided to look at me. I cursed myself inwardly for slipping like that. Who could tell what Bella's reaction would be? I knew she would be hurt by my words, because she was appalled by the idea that I would kill her werewolf friend. It was bad enough that she as the one exception that she was the one exception to my ability. I could only anticipate her reaction. I risked another glance in her direction and saw that her face was pale white. It would be only seconds before she responded.
"Edward Cullen," her voice had diminished to a whisper, pronouncing each word distinctly as though she couldn't comprehend what I had said. "Were you about to say 'killed him'? Were you?"
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