A few more days and I will be done with English and Socials. Then I'll be off to Thailand, and have FT Angst Week and Flash of Silver updated. Thank you very much for your patience!
He didn't know what the tiny sunshine girl was doing in the gym at this time of day, but he didn't want any part of it. Not the noise, not the conversation, not the happiness. He needed a break from it all, and while he wanted to get away from the easy camaraderie of the volleyball club, he didn't want to come off as rude.
So he sat outside on the stairs under pretense of taking a break. Leaning over his legs, he wiped the sweat from his temples with an impatient swipe of his hand and lowered his head. His breath came evenly and slowly, contrasting wildly against the ragged thumping of his heart.
Raucous laughter mingled with the squeak of shoes against the floor and the steady bounce of balls off walls and arms. His water bottle was slick in his hand, from sweat or exhaustion, he didn't know. He clenched his fingers together to keep it from slipping out of his grasp and hunched over the steps, pulling his hand through his hair in muted frustration.
It hadn't been five minutes since he'd stepped out, but Tobio felt the weight of his thoughts already pressing down on his spine.
He was a new person now, he told himself. He was no longer the King of the Court, a tyrannical dictator, a ruler feared and hated. He'd never see empty space where the spikers should be leaping to fill. He'd never be alone again.
He was Karasuno's setter, the other half of the oddball duo. And he had the entire team beside him - not before him, not behind him. Beside him, like equals.
But sometimes Tobio felt insecurity sneak around the edge of his thoughts. A sudden jolt of reality and he'd feel that old fear wrap its arms around him again, unrelenting and unforgiving.
He hated to admit it, but he was terrified. Terrified of the past. Terrified of the future. Terrified of what would happen, now that he had a team that both cared for and reprimanded him with equal measures of love.
Terrified of himself.
What if he reverted back to becoming the King of the Court again one day? Would he see the same revulsion and disgust Kitagawa Daiichi's team had once worn settle on his teammates' faces? Would Sugawara-san and Tanaka-san's friendly smiles turn to wary frowns? Would an expression of disappointment, that his old coach had sported openly, mirror itself in Coach Ukai and Captain?
What about Hinata? Would there be one day when he'd look behind him and see nothing but unmoving legs and accusing brown eyes?
What then?
What can he do to prevent that day from arriving?
No, the real question is, when will that day arrive?
Tobio growled under his breath and took another swig of liquid, gulping down water aggressively in an attempt to rid himself of unpleasant thoughts. There was only one route in his mind, and that was distance.
If he didn't let people get so close - if he didn't start caring for them - if their little actions didn't cling to his conscience insistently - they wouldn't be hurt. He knew the King of the Court was a part of him - would always be a part of him - and that it would never, ever leave him, at least not completely. The tyrannical dictator, the ruler both feared and hated - it still lurked inside of him, waiting for a chance to bare its face.
He despised this part of himself. He wanted it to leave already. He was so scared - scared that he'd become the King again, scared that the trust his teammates put in him would ricochet back and hurt them, scared that he'd scar them like he'd done to Kindaichi and Kunimi.
But what could he do, really?
It hurt to be happy, to smile, to laugh when the back of his mind told him he wasn't worth it. When he knew all too well that his teammates - no, his friends - wouldn't smile and laugh alongside him if they became aware of who he really was.
So he would push their efforts away. He would propel himself to a place where no light could tempt him. He would - he would -
But I don't want to.
Tobio slammed his water bottle down, brow creased and teeth gritted.
He did want it.
He wanted to smile and laugh with his upperclassmen and pound Hinata to a pulp when the spiker made a stupid mistake. He wanted to struggle on the road to victory with Sugawara-san and Azumane-san together. He wanted to go to barbeques with Noya and Tanaka, and hound Kenma, Oikawa-san, and Akaashi-san for tips on setting. He wanted to go out after practice for nikuman and practice flying falls. He wanted to huddle together during practice and ask his captain for advice and study with Tsukishima and Yamaguchi and thank Yachi for her hard work and -
His eyes burned with the effort of trying to keep back the sudden surge of emotion.
He didn't want that kind of life anymore. He didn't want to be feared, or hated, or a king, or a ruler of any kind. He didn't want to be Kageyama Tobio, genius setter, the King of the Court.
He didn't want to be alone.
"Hey, Mr. Grumpy!"
Tobio whipped around at the sound of a high, feminine voice calling out behind him and went rigid.
Dammit.
It was the tiny sunshine girl. Hinata's little sister. He'd forgotten what her name was, but she was the spitting image of her older brother: orange hair, wide brown eyes, and all. Including the wild grin and oblivious happiness.
She grinned at him and he flinched involuntarily, without really meaning to.
"What do you want?" he said a little too harshly in his embarrassment, then wished immediately that he'd spoken more softly.
But her cheerful expression never faltered. Skipping over to where he sat, she plopped herself down, hugging her knees to her chest and rocking back and forth impatiently. Despite the two flower clips securing her short, violently wavy hair in place, he could see that several rebellious strands were starting to slip out and frame her round, open face.
"You didn't play with me," she complained, peeking up at him through thick, curly lashes. "Ryuu-nii-chan and Yuu-nii-chan and Yama-kun played with me, and Suga-nii-san and Asacchi let me do their hair, but you didn't. That's no fun."
Tobio huffed under his breath, cursing silently. He was no good with children, or animals, or females. Or living creatures, for that matter. They all seemed to give him a wide berth, as if he were a life-threatening risk.
Yet here she sat, mere inches away from him, pouting and unblinking, her unruly hair tickling the tips of her ears.
"Sorry," he finally muttered, embarrassment making the back of his neck warm. He could swear he could see Hinata grinning at them out of the corner of his eye, and shot the sniggering Tanaka and Tsukishima the stink eye.
"That's okay," said the girl easily, swinging her legs back and forth. Her tiny sneakers thumped quietly against the pavement, and he let himself relax, though not without reluctance. "Mommy says I'm really fur- far - fir - "
"Forgiving," Hinata suggested from within the gym, and Daichi shushed him.
"Yeah!" Undeterred, she gazed straight into Tobio's eyes, and the first thing that struck him was that she's not afraid. "I'm really furgibbing! But only if you give me a hug. I like hugs."
Bewildered, he stared back, mouth opening and closing in silent horror. A what? She wanted him to give her a what?
A slight frown puckered the younger Hinata's forehead and she cocked her head to the side.
"You don't like hugs?" she asked in a small voice.
("Don't make her cry, you meanie!" Hinata hissed frantically.
Tanaka and Nishinoya made little strangled noises as the sunshine girl's head drooped further and further down.)
"Ah - uh - " Tobio fumbled a little, cheeks flushing, and turned speechlessly behind him for help.
No such luck. Sawamura-san performed the universal sign for I'll slit your throat open and Suga-san was wearing his usual genial smile. Yachi mouthed advice at him earnestly, then stopped when Tsukishima gave her a significant look. Even Yamaguchi averted his eyes.
Thanks a lot, Tobio thought bitterly as he leaned over and hesitantly wrapped his arm around the tiny girl.
Instantly, she brightened and eagerly launched herself at him, slamming him down onto the ground in what one would call a touchdown.
"OW," Tobio squeaked as she squealed wordlessly and buried her face into his chest.
"Nice job, King," Tsukishima sniggered. "Bowled over by an elementary-school girl."
He glowered back half-heartedly, but couldn't really muster any anger. Hinata's younger sister was all arms and legs, but she was smiling at him like he just presented her with a lifetime's worth of candy.
"Why'd you do that?" he coughed, squinting up at the sky. His throat throbbed - with dust, probably.
"Because," she told him slowly, patiently, "you looked lonely. What's your name?"
"Uh, Kageyama Tobio," he managed to reply, startled at her straightforward remark.
"Great! I can call you Tobio-chan!" She grinned in delight at him, rolling over onto the grass and jumping to her feet. "My name's Natsu."
"Tobio-chan," Tsukishima goaded, Nishinoya and Tanaka howling with laughter behind him.
The setting sun cast golden beams around the doors of the gym, illuminating the figures of Asahi, Suga, and Daichi as they smiled down approvingly at him. In the hazy glow, Tobio felt his heart warm: unfamiliar, alarming, and slightly painful (but not unpleasant) emotions spreading through every inch of his body. Laughter, coupled with the shouts and sniggers, echoing through the open gymnasium - shoes squeaking against the floor - balls bouncing off walls and arms - the gentle shifting of leaf against leaf, the hum of wind against his skin -
He was… He was…
No longer afraid.
And that was when the simplest, sweetest thought registered in Tobio's mind, making him swell up with a feeling that made him want to both laugh and cry.
Because that was exactly it. He was no longer afraid - of the past, of the future, of what would happen next -
He was no longer afraid of himself.
The 'King of the Court' would always lie somewhere inside of him; the selfish, arrogant, demanding persona he'd grown to reject. He'd never be able to fully escape it - he knew at least that much - but the fact that his teammates cared for him regardless of who he'd been in the past and who he might become in the future had filled the empty hole in his heart without him realizing it.
There would be days where he'd fight with his teammates and days where they'd make up. There would be days where he'd be afraid of the future, but those days would never be tainted by the fear of the past unless he allowed it. He was no longer the ruler everyone feared and hated. Whether his former self returned was completely up to him - and he was saying no. Never again.
Tobio allowed himself one small, nearly imperceptible smile to lift the corners of his lips as Natsu's soft yet firm arms circled around his neck and her small, pink mouth nuzzled his nose affectionately.
He'd never be alone.
Not anymore.