Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along."
- Rumi
Emily's never been to Aaron's apartment before, but she finds it easily enough. She stops at the front door of the building, once more making sure to think before doing anything rash, and once more she reaches the same conclusion: this is long overdue. This is what she wants, and it's scary how sure of it she is, after being so unsure of... Well, most things in her life, for the last God-knows-how-many months.
She's refused to put too much thought on what Aaron's actually going to say, because it doesn't really matter. What matters is that she needs to get these words out, or she would never truly move on. All she can hope is that he still wants to hear them, that she hasn't messed things up that badly. However, on second thought... That's exactly what she's done.
Aaron opens the door, wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, his hair in unkempt curls. If she wasn't as nervous as she is, it'd make her smile. He isn't really smiling at her, though, but staring with a curious frown on his face.
"Hi," she starts.
"Hey. Uh... What brings you here at... Let me see...," he replies, taking a look at his watch. "9:30 PM on Saturday?"
"I wanted to see how you were holding up, after you know, almost getting killed in Cuba," she says, although it's only half of the truth. Aaron has been given a week off to recover from his ordeal, and she hasn't seen him since he got back. She needed to see him to make sure he's really okay, that he's really back safely.
He grins at her reply before moving aside.
"Want to come in?"
"Sure."
"I wasn't expecting guests, so I don't have much on offer here, but I do have beer. Want one?"
"Beer sounds great."
He fetches her a bottle from the fridge while she takes her coat off, laying it on the back of the couch. No reason to make herself too much at home. Crossing her arms, she peers at the books on the shelf, recognizing most of them. The one that makes her stop is a historical novel on American politics in the 1800s, one she recommended to him a long time ago. Back when they were headed for something that at least a part of her believes could've surpassed anything and everything she's ever experienced. Her eyes sting, but she forces the tears down even as she picks up the book. She's not going to cry.
"Here's your-" he stops as he sees her holding the book, their eyes meeting for a fleeting moment and that's how she knows he remember why he got it.
"Have you read this?" she asks.
Aaron swallows, nodding.
"I did. It was good. Thanks for the recommendation."
"You're welcome."
Emily bites into her lip after taking the first sip of her beer. Where in the world is she going to start?
Deciding to go with her gut, she starts. "You know how Kirkman never got to say goodbye to his wife?"
"Yeah," Aaron sighs. "Life can change in an instant. But would he really have felt better if he'd been able to say those last few words to her, knowing he was going to lose her anyway? I mean, she knew he loved her. There's no doubt about that."
"I don't know if it would've helped him, but maybe he would've felt like he'd at least gotten closure. They were together for nearly 20 years, Aaron."
He nods.
"It may not feel like much now, but he's got those 20 years worth of happy memories. He was lucky to have her," he says.
"When you were in Cuba and they were threatening to kill you, was there anything you wished you'd done differently in life?"
He turns away, suddenly interested in his bare feet.
"I try not to have regrets in life, Emily. They're useless, because we can't change the past. All we can do is accept what happened and move forward as best as we can."
"Aaron..."
He interrupts her by shaking his head and getting to his feet.
"We don't have to do this, Em. Whatever it is that you want to apologize for... Don't. Consider yourself forgiven." His words sound kind enough, but the tone is harsh and the hurt in it obvious. He may be able to be perfectly polite to her at work, but deep down he's so angry, and if he hates her, she's earned it.
"I have to say these things, Aaron! Otherwise they'll never stop haunting me."
"Really? Because to me it looks like you've moved on pretty damn successfully."
"I've been an idiot, but I haven't moved on. Which is why I need to do this. Please help me, if I... If what we had ever meant anything to you," she pleads.
He sighs, but finally settles back on the couch, closing his eyes.
"Fire away."
"It all started with Alex's death, I guess... Then suddenly you were in danger, too, and I found myself beating myself up for leaving so many things unsaid. I needed you to come back alive, so I could tell you how sorry I was for pushing you away and for not trusting you, when you deserved none of it. And how sorry am for wasting our chance. When those were the only things I could think about, I realized that I couldn't bring myself to commit to Seth, and started to wonder if I'd been using him. This is by far the biggest mess I've ever made in my life, and I'm not asking you to be a part of it, just letting me get this out is enough."
"So... Are you and Seth still together?"
She shakes her head.
"No. We figured that we were never meant to be more than friends. Now I'm just not sure if we can ever be that again, either."
"I'm sure you can."
"It's going to take a while, at least. It's taken me a lot of time to figure out what I really want, and I've decided not to act anymore before really thinking it through. Not exploring my feelings is what's already cost me two people, so I was thinking about focusing on work 100% from now on."
"You can move on now?"
"After talking to you, yes."
Aaron fidgets with the beer bottle, at last setting it on the coffee table.
"Since I guess we're in the business of making confessions tonight, I have a few of my own to make. I don't mean to complicate your plans, and if you weren't here now, I would've gone to my grave, even an early one, without ever telling you, but now... I think you should know."
Her heart thuds faster in her chest, the pace quickening even further when he gets to his feet and comes to stand in front of her. He hasn't looked at her this intensely since... Since the night they kissed. All those nights between that and this one, and now she's wondering, perhaps even hoping, that he's thinking along the same lines as back then.
"I've done my best to move on, I really have. But somehow you haven't faded from my mind. I still go to the same coffee shop every morning and every time I see a girl with an order almost as ridiculous as yours, you're there. During my workdays I sit in meetings, and you're there again, because coincidentally I think we've had an argument in every single one of them. I even went to see that Elvis impersonator on my own to try to get you out of my head, you know? After that I told myself that you wouldn't have been interested in a second date with me, had we ever managed to get to the first one. When you started dating Seth, it was even easier to tell myself that it was never meant to work out between us. As you probably know, we don't really have much in common."
"Aaron..."
"I'm not finished yet," he says softly. "I guess I'm trying to say that despite the way things ended between us, I can appreciate the memory of it. I can't explain it, but even though we haven't been talking much since I came back, you're with me, like back when we were a team."
"We were one kick-ass team for sure."
He laughs, but the sound is hollow.
"Yeah. Anyway... I was supposed to say that I'm grateful for what we had, no matter how brief it was and the way it ended. It offered me a glimpse of something I never believed I'd find, especially not with anyone at work. There are lots of life stories in my family, and not all of them have ended happily. That doesn't mean they weren't worth living," he finishes, and it's not until he reaches over to wipe a tear from her cheek that she realizes she's broken her promise.
"I- I don't want this to end badly," she confesses.
"It is what it is, Emily."
"Give us another chance."
"Aren't you rushing into things again?"
"Coming here's the one thing I've been sure about since you came back, Aaron. You've been with me all along, even when I didn't know it, or when I didn't want to know it, more like. Not just in your old office, but in everything I do. When I work a late night alone, I wish you were there. I miss bickering with you," she replies.
"I guess we could try something," he says, and when his eyes linger on her mouth, she knows what he's planning on and what she wants.
"What?" she whispers, even as his lips are already hovering a fraction of an inch from hers.
It begins as a light kiss, but the temptation overcomes their resolve soon, and he gently coaxes her mouth open. She grabs onto a fistful of dark curls, unwilling to let go of him anytime soon. What they had- and maybe still have, is more than a mere mirage. It's harmony, and mutual understanding and respect, and the kind of passion that stems from their similar approach to work and life. She's never wanted anyone so much in her life, and it isn't just in the heat of the moment that she knows she's found where she belongs. At long last.