AN:This will be a bit of a darker fic as it deals with phycological trauma associated with Draco's involvement in Death Eater activities. So if that kind of thing would be triggering to you, I'd suggest you avoid this story.
Let it also be noted that while it is ultimately a dramione fic, it will be slow going as they are in the midst of a war.
Sometimes there is one defining moment in a person's life that changes everything. It can come at the most inopportune moment, in the worst possible way, but they can't ignore it. Sometimes it comes in the form of a question, "Who am I? What is it I want?" Sometimes is comes in the form of a person offering a sliver of hope, a sign of reassurance when they need it most, and sometimes it comes in the form of a situation, a realization, one that forces them to take a step back and question what it is they are really fighting for. The defining moment for Draco Malfoy came in the form of a promise and a wand.
He was just a boy long past his breaking point, standing in that astronomy tower, facing down one of the greatest wizards of their time. And he'd known, even as he stood there, that it wasn't what he'd wanted. But was too late, he'd taken one to many steps in the wrong direction and there was no turning back. As he watched Dumbledore's wand leave his hand, he felt the sick realization that this was it. This was the moment he'd prepared himself, tortured himself, all year for. The moment when he'd take that final, devastating step on the path to darkness.
Shaken and uncertain, he'd raised his wand and pointed it directly at his target, but the spell didn't leave his lips. Instead, all the fear, the shame, the sorrow, spewed out of his mouth as he tried desperately to justify his actions to the other wizard. He'd cried, shouted that he had to do it. He had to kill him. There was no way he would be able to understand, but he had to try to make him. This wasn't what he wanted. He just had no other choice. He'd shown the curse he carried on his arm, as if that would explain it all, but he knew it wouldn't. It wasn't that simple, none of this insanity was. He didn't know why he couldn't just get it over with. It should've been so easy. His and his family's lives were on the line, so he shouldn't have had a problem hissing the Unforgivable to end it all, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He'd known, deep down, that he'd never be able to carry out his mission from the beginning. Even as the Dark Mark had burned and embedded itself into his skin he'd known it wasn't what he wanted, and apparently his headmaster had known as well.
He'd looked into Draco's red-rimmed eyes and gave him an offer of protection and let him see a brief glimmer of a future he could live with. He'd given him a chance, a choice. He could turn this whole thing around if he wanted to. He needn't go farther than this. But could it really be as easy as that? Could the Order really help him and his mother? Or was this just some sort of ruse to distract him? He'd wanted so badly to believe he could get out of it, that he could get away from the death and destruction that surrounded him. He didn't want to kill anyone. He didn't even want to hurt anyone. Not really. Cutting people with words felt so much different than actually cutting them. For the first time in over a year, he asked himself, "What is it I want? Is this who I want to be? A murderer? A death eater? A corpse?" He'd stood there, staring at the man that would make or break who he was and found the answer. He wanted out.
So, despite the ramifications of his failure, he did no more than disarm his headmaster as the other Death Eaters swarmed the school below. He'd lowered his wand and in that moment made his choice. He'd made his decision. Heart racing and palms sweating, he stepped forward, the words of agreement on the tip of his tongue, but of course, it seemed fate was against him. He'd hesitated too long. Long enough that his aunt had time to find her favorite nephew and make sure he'd done as he was told. She'd pranced her way to his side, his god father not too far behind her, and Draco watched helplessly as Snape finished the task he himself had been unable to do. And just like that, the glimpse of a brighter future he'd seen for himself had been ripped away from him and plunged down into the abyss in the form of Dumbledore's lifeless body.