[ nouis oneshot ]: blindsided
I crouch like a crow
Contrasting the snow
For the agony, I'd rather know
'Cause blinded, I am blindsided
Niall was fine. Really.
Okay, so maybe sometimes he felt a bit sad. It was absolutely manageable though.
Traveling the world with his four best mates, performing for thousands of their fans day in and day out; it was all Niall had ever wanted, how could he possibly complain? So maybe his band mates had a habit of taking the mickey out of him the most, and they might hurt his feelings pretty occasionally, but Niall put it all down to the fact that he was so oversensitive. It wasn't their fault that Niall wore his feelings on his sleeve and took just about everything to heart even though he knew they were only joking and how could they possibly know just how fragile Niall actually was? It wasn't as if Niall liked feeling so absolutely insecure about every part of himself and he definitely didn't want others to know, so how could they? Niall didn't blame them. If it was anyone's fault, it was his for being so weak.
It wasn't as if Niall enjoyed slicing into his skin or holding the flame of the crappy blue lighter up against a patch of skin along his thigh or biting his nails down to their quicks, he deserved the pain; the punishment. (He punished himself because of his flaws, his imperfections because Niall could never - would never be good enough.) But, in some twisted light, there was something sickeningly beautiful about the way the blood dotted along the lines he had created along his wrists; the way the flame flickered and swayed against his skin; the way his nail beds bled and bled and Niall felt as if blood and scars and calloused skin were the only things in his line of sight nowadays. Not that he would ever admit it.
The boys didn't know. They would've never guessed that their happy-go-lucky Niall would ever become so entirely dependent on such petty acts of self-harm. Their Niall couldn't ever be capable of doing such haneous things. But ThisNiall would never be ThatNiall again, would never be the completely innocent and easily excited boy the others once knew. After that first cut all those years ago; there was no going back. Niall didn't think they realized that it hurt his feelings when one of them made fun of him for the silliest of things. And it really shouldn't have bothered Niall at all, but he was too weak not to take the words to heart and even though he didn't want to, would later punish himself not only for believing their words, but also for being petty enough to believe them.
Niall had been bullied as a child. None of One Direction's best-selling books had mentioned it, nor had he when asked. It wasn't something he was proud of. Why should he share that part of his life anyway? It had been a dark time for him filled with tears and self-inflicted wounds and bracelets and long-sleeved jumpers and bruises and hurt feelings. Niall merely didn't want to go into it. Too many foul names and punches and, who wants to talk about being shoved into a locker everyday for four years anyway?Niall was always the weird kid with the messed up teeth that always brought food, always talked enough for three people and the one kid that everyone secretly knew was gay. Niall hadn't even come to a conclusion on his sexuality before older years were calling him 'fag' and shoving him into janitorial closets and sending him home with black eyes and bruised ribs and a bloody nose.
It was all completely manageable though, it really was.
The boys all fell through Lou and Harry's door one Sunday afternoon. The American leg of their tour had just ended and they were given a few days off and planned to do absolutely nothing for once in what felt like forever. Niall flopped down on the couch, Liam to his right and Louis to his left. (He may or may not have pointedly sat next to Louis before Harry could. And the grin Louis shot him may or may not have sent his heart into a frenzy, skipping every other beat and making it thump erratically. So Niall might've had the slightest crush, what of it.) The telly had been turned to a Man U footie match and, usually Niall would've been all for it, but today he'd been feeling a tad more maudlin than usual and he knew that if he didn't get a grip on himself sooner or later, the others would surely notice and that would lead to an interrogation he was not keen on having. So he started to talk.
"Did'ya guys hear 'bout dat ol' Tesco's dats bein' torn down? Wonder what dey gonna put up in its place."
"What are you on about this time Niall?" Liam chuckled and Niall looked defensively at him.
"Just tryina' make a bit o' small talk s'all. I's just wonderi-"
"Oi, if you're quite finished, kindly shut yer gob and fetch us each a beer would you Niall?" Niall looked at him incredulously, an eyebrow steadily inching its way up his forehead. "Go on," he continued, "what else are you good for eh?" He smacked the back of Louis' head as he stood, forcing out a small half grin. Niall made his way to the kitchen, trying not to let his feelings show. He'd only been joking, Niall reminded himself. But he couldn't help thinking that Louis had been right.
What am I good for?
Peek in
Into the peer in
I'm not really like this
Probably plightless
When Niall returned to his flat that night, he chucked his shoes into his room and searched the fridge for something to keep him occupied until the inevitable happened. He already knew that sometime that night, he'd be holed up in his bathroom, surrounded by razors and his little blue lighter and blood. Always blood. But for now, he just wanted to eat.
When it came time, Niall locked himself in his bathroom and, it wasn't just in case any of the boys happened to stop by and let themselves in, it was because by closing and locking the door, he was punishing himself even more. There wasn't anything he feared more than being criticized for his imperfections; he was quite literally his own worst enemy. By trapping himself in the bathroom, he was forced to look at himself in the mirror and face the horror of which he saw in himself, not to mention he was extremely claustrophobic. That was why Niall needed to punish himself you see; Niall would never be good enough and he needed the scars and the blistered skin to remind him of that. He needed to catch glimpses of the inside of his wrist every time he felt slightly good about himself (which hardly ever happened anyway) because that was just it, he would never be good enough. He was always too fat or too thin, acne always popping up somewhere, his teeth were absolutely awful, his eyes were too close together, his nose was too flat, his hands too pudgy, his legs too short. There were just so many reasons Niall could find to use as excuses for what he was doing to himself. Who would want to live in a body as sickening as Niall's? No one. The fans pitied Niall. No one loved him, not even the boys. Hell, Louis had even claimed that he wasn't good for anything except getting them beers and Louis was quite possibly the love of his life and if the boy he was in love with thought that about him, why shouldn't he think that way about himself? Really, Niall just wanted to be perfect for Louis. If he could be perfect maybe then Louis would want him and then maybe Niall could actually start to feel happy and, possibly even begin to feel better about himself.
So yeah, he was in love with his band mate, and had been since the first time they all spent the night together at Harry's bungalow. But Harry and Louis were best mates and almost always excluded Niall and that was just another reason amongst many others to punish himself because who the hell falls in love with his mate and Louis would absolutely despise him if he ever found out and that could never happen, not if Niall still wanted to be apart of his life in some way. Louis was all bright smiles and unyielding sunshine and happiness practically poured out of him and maybe if Niall could stay close to him, he could feel happy again because Niall couldn't really remember the last time he genuinely felt that way. Where Louis was every wild grin and happy chortle and hilarious joke, Niall was white scars and red slashes and blisters and insecure and every unhappy thought in the world. Niall just wanted to feel wanted.
Three bloody lines on his right hip and two burns on his left thigh later, Niall was cleaning up the blood with red-rimmed eyes and a scorching sensation shooting through his legs with every step he took. He finally reached his bedroom, not bothering putting any clothes on, just lying naked on top of his duvet. Niall tried not to pity himself; that would only be another reason for punishment.
How come the window
I'm crippled and slow
For the agony, I'd rather know
'Cause blinded, I am blindsided
Three weeks later, their tour ended and the boys decided to go and get pissed drunk.
Only they didn't feel like inviting Niall.
Five more lines.
Six more burns.
Taut line
Down to the shoreline
The end of a blood line
The moon is a cold light
The days were passing like hours. Niall had no motivation to get up. The boys had been given a month off to do as they pleased, Niall had suspected the others went back home to see their families, but Niall couldn't bring himself to leave his bed, let alone the country. The boys had tried to contact him at first, but he had lied and told them that he was back in Ireland, so they didn't bother stopping by his flat. Niall couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without being physically sick. He hadn't eaten in the past six days and he was feeling weaker with each passing minute. Niall couldn't find it in himself to care. He deserved it after all. He needed to be punished.
Using his hand to guide himself along the wall, he slowly trudged into his bathroom, malnutrition shortening his breath. He leaned against his sink to suck much needed air into his lungs, swiping a razor from one of the lower drawers. He settled himself into his bathtub, wanting to be comfortable when he ended it. He just couldn't take being such a disappointment to everybody any longer, couldn't take pitying eyes or being unwanted company, the fifth wheel of the band.
His hands were sticky with blood after he slowly dragged the blade across each wrist, crying out in pain. After all these years, he should have been used to it by now but, surprisingly, he wasn't. If he thought he felt weak before, he felt ten times more so now. He felt like he would never be able to move again, never pull himself up from the small white-stained-red porcelain bathtub. He'd never again see his fellow band mates, never see Louis, never get to perform onstage in front of thousands of people. That's what he thought about in the end: He was onstage, hand-in-hand with Louis, performing. He could only focus on Louis' sharp features, his painfully bright blue eyes as his life flowed from him. He felt weightless, rivulets of blood seeping from every pore it seemed. Everything was ending so slowly, too slowly. He mustered up his last bit of strength and turned the hot water in the bathtub on, letting his eyes roll to the back of his head. Lou being his last lingering word, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips. He was a burden no longer.
There's a pull to the flow
My feet melt the snow
For the irony, I'd rather know
'Cause blinded, I was blindsided
Niall flooded back to himself. The inside of his left elbow stung, the sheets which enveloped him were too scratchy and thin to be his own, and the room smelled of antiseptics. Niall's eyes unwillingly fluttered open. He looked down to his wrists to find them both bandaged, a needle protruding from the crease of his left elbow. Tears sprung to his eyes, brimming them and spilling over at his failed efforts. He hadn't succeeded in taking his own life; how could he not have succeeded at something so incredibly mundane? His eyes traveled further down, finding both of his hands being held. To his right, a head full of curls rested next to his hip, both of Harry's massive hands encasing his slightly smaller, if not chubbier, ones. To his left, honey-brown feathered hair rested against his shoulder, Niall's fingers laced with Louis' as Louis held on with all of his might. That brought even more tears to his eyes. He started to feel a bit dizzy, so let his head fall back against the thin pillow he'd been given.
He felt Harry's hands momentarily tighten around his so he glanced over, only to find Harry had awoken and was gazing at him with teary eyes. It wasn't that he didn't want to see Harry, it wasn't that at all, it was just hard to be around him considering he was Louis' absolute best friend and Niall wasn't. Niall would give anything to take Harry's place, but he knew he could never do that, he did love Harry after all.
"Ni," Harry's voice cracked as tears spilled over. "Ni, why would you..." He trailed off shaking his head. Disappointment and pity swirled in his eyes, emotions Niall utterly despised. Niall looked away, his mouth twisting in disgust as he turned his head so he was once again facing forward.
"I don't want your pity, Harry," Niall said as menacingly as he could. (Which probably sounded closer to a whimper than anything else but.)
"Ni, Niall, I love you-We love you so much! The fans love you so much! Why didn't you tell us? What made you feel so poorly that you had to resort to this?" Harry gestured to my wrists as Louis stirred to Niall's left. He didn't get a chance to answer as Louis was climbing up onto his bed, careful of the needle in his arm, and curling himself around Niall like some kind of octopus holds to their prey. Not that Niall was complaining.
"Niall!" Louis gasped loudly, clinging to Niall in such a way that seemed almost impossible. If it were anyone else, he might've been in pain but the only thing Niall felt in that moment was the rapid beating of his heart against his ribcage, practically begging to jump out of his chest and into Louis' hands for the taking. Niall tangled the fingers of his right hand into Louis' hair where it pressed beneath his chin, the other holding firmly to Louis' waist so he didn't accidentally fall.
"I'll go get the others," Harry mumbled, wiping his eyes. Before he left though, he rubbed his thumb under Niall's eye, catching a stray tear and whispering, "I'm so glad you didn't leave us Niall. Everything would've been broken without you." And Niall found that really hard to believe because wasn't it his fault for breaking everything in the first place? Wasn't it him who was the burden to those surrounding him? But he couldn't be bothered with those thoughts, not while Louis was wrapped around him in such an intimate way, crying into his chest and mumbling incoherent pleas for Niall to stay with him forever.
A minute or two after the door had closed behind Harry, Louis lifted himself so he was looking Niall straight in the eye. The look on Louis' face was sad enough break Niall's heart a thousand times over, but he remained steady in his eye contact.
"Why did you want to leave me?" Louis asked softly, reaching up to brush his fingers through Niall's hair.
"I think that's the most serious I've ever heard you Lou," Niall tried to joke quietly. The look on Louis' face was enough to convince him that it was no joking matter. Niall sighed. "I just. I'm just never good enough and - I thought that I - I was just tired of being a burden to everyone." Niall looked away, no longer able to meet Louis' eyes. Louis sat up and straddled Niall's waist, making his heart flutter even more. Louis grasped Niall's jaw, forcing him to meet his tear-filled gaze.
"Never. You never have been and never will be a burden to anyone Niall. You are so sweet and so good and so pure and your smile is so overwhelming and your voice is absolutely stunning and your laugh is so charming and contagious it hurts and when will you realize just how perfect you actually are?" A steady stream of silent tears were making their way down Niall's face now and Louis was gently rubbing the pads of his thumbs across them, cradling Niall's face in his dainty hands. Niall searched Louis' eyes and couldn't find one trace of pity or disappointment, only adoration and love and and a twinge of sadness and desperation so tightly packed together that Niall wondered how one person was capable of feeling all of those things at once.
"Was it me Niall? Was it us? Did we make you feel like you weren't good enough?" Louis asked in a despairing tone, guilt shown in his eyes. Niall looked away from him then, not wanting to answer, not wanting to see that heartbreaking expression again. "No no no no no no," Louis mumbled repeatedly, miserably. He brought his face back to Niall's chest whispering broken apologies.
"It's okay, shh," Niall consoled the older boy.
"It's not okay Niall, why did you never tell any of us? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because it would've only made things worse Louis." Niall muttered in a strangled voice.
Louis pulled back and Niall met his questioning gaze. "How? I would've only tried to help!" Louis said desperately.
Niall ran his hands through his hair, "You wouldn't understand okay!" Louis couldn't find out about Niall's feelings, if he did, it would all be over. Louis would hate him. He would hate Niall and Niall couldn't live like that. He would make sure he ended it right.
Louis eyes turned soft, "Please Ni, please tell me what's bothering you. I can't - I won't be able to do this again. It'll kill me, you committing would kill all of us you know."
Niall rubbed at his eyes and gazed at Louis, gathering his courage before he suddenly grasped Louis' face with his hands and crushed their lips together, Louis' breath coming out in a surprised huff. Niall tried to block out his fears of Louis hating him and focused on the smooth expanse of Louis' soft, pink lips and - and that was when he realized Louis was kissing back. He was kissing back. Niall pulled away suddenly, shocked by Louis' actions.
"I thought you'd never do it," Louis murmured before leaning back in.
Niall's eyes were squeezed shut as an overwhelming feeling surged through him, getting a rise out of Louis gave him a high better than any a dull razor or a crappy little blue lighter would ever bring.
Blinded, I was blindsided
'Cause blinded, I was blindsided
fin.
A/N: So this was based off of one of my favorite songs "Blindsided" by Bon Iver, please let me know if I should write more :)