Street Jackass, a street fighter fanfic

WARNING: this is DEFINITELY rated M. This means we have some adult language, references to drugs (c'mon, who has the guts to trick Bison into putting a Nokia 3310...well, you can imagine where...and then bring him to the doctor and make the phone ring, all WITHOUT being under the effect of drugs? No, don't worry...they did it, but not during the interview. XD ), and a few embarrassing situations. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. If your sense of humor doesn't mind this kind of stuff, you're welcome. Anyway, I don't approve of their behaviour. They just do it, it's not my fault.

Basically...me and my best friend had this random idea watching "Jackass", and this was obvious.
I'm sorry because there's a lot of dialogue, and I don't have a beta-reader. And yes, I already know I failed with Birdie's Punk-ish accent...I already have problems with normal english... XD
This little thing I did fc04?deviantart?net/fs70/f/2013/185/3/a/street_jac kass_by_asciapa_frush-d6bx72q?png (ok, I had to update the link because the other one didn't work. Just add the http stuff at the beginning and replace all the "?" with dots. And remove the space between "jac" and "kass" Why this site doesn't let me post images or links?) is how they showed up for the interview. I don't like how Bison's boots came out, but whatever...anyway, in this fic Ibuki is old enough to be part of a show like this, don't worry.
No, seriously, now let's go with the real story.

In the backstage, Ken looked at himself in the mirror and grinned.
"Don't worry, you haven't lost your retarded face." Cody turned his head towards his friend and smiled, while fixing his fake halo and checking if it worked.
"You're just jealous because I get more girls." the long-haired guy gave him a middle finger.
Behind them, a tall, bald man laughed. He wanted to do a "quality over quantity" joke, but he decided not to spoil the surprise he prepared.
"No, ok, I don't like having Sagat and his snake behind me." Ken moved aside, glancing at the tall man's jeans. Better, at what remained of them, since they were ripped almost everywhere. And yet, he managed to look intimidating.
"That's not what I heard last night." Cody shrugged.
"It's not my fault if your mother has the same voice as me." he immediately replied.
"YOU...!" the short-haired guy tried to jump on his friend and punch him until that grin went away, but Sagat grabbed both his arms and stopped him.
"Come on, our interview starts in a few minutes. Even if I approve the idea of killing this blond idiot, I don't think this is the right place or time to do it."
On the other side of the room, Birdie was staring at the scene, hoping to see a few blood before the show started. Bison walked towards him and pointed at Sagat with his thumb.
"As he said. And I believe it's time to get some fuel before the interview."
"Understood." the black man slightly nodded "Jus' tell them otha to avoid runnin' all together like the bunch of monkeys they are." he walked towards the toilet. Even after years he spent in the US, he still had a bit of accent. But nobody had the guts to laugh at him for that.
Bison snapped his fingers and all the guys turned towards him.
"Birdie is in the toilet. I go first, after him."
"Second." Sagat raised his right hand before someone could steal his place.
"Where did "ladies first" end?" Mika crossed her arms and raised one eyebrow. She still remembered what happened last time her and Ibuki had to go last.
"Approved. We need the toilet as much as you...I guess we could say "men"...do." Ibuki nodded and made her best puppy eyes.
In the meanwhile, Birdie reached again the others "Done. Don't steal each otha's stuff." he whispered. He glanced at the mirror to check if his face was ok, then he grabbed a backpack with a thin tube coming out.
The line for the toilet seemed to work fine, apart from Ken coming out and doing a few silly faces before being kicked by Sagat.
When Rolento's turn came, he entered and sniffed his line. After a second, he understood that something was wrong. He raised one non-existant eyebrow and looked better. He put a finger on the few white stuff that remained there and put it in his mouth.
Sugar. Birdie wanted to be funny, and put some sugar instead of his line. Well, he was going to pay for that...but now, there was more important stuff to do.
He tasted the other line. That was a good one. He finished his job and left the toilet.
Balrog was waiting impatiently for his turn. When Rolento came out, he literally ran inside, pushing aside his friend.
The other sneered, thinking about Balrog's face when he saw that he had nothing left. In the meanwhile, he walked towards the line to enter in the studio. Birdie was staring at him, knowing that he was the one who got the sugar.
The dark-haired man took a switchblade knife from somewhere (even Birdie remained surprised for a second) and passed it on the black man's neck.
"Next time you give me sugar, I'll cut your throat. And you know I will." he whispered, without stopping smiling. Birdie rolled his eyes and nodded, while Rolento took his place near Bison. Damn, he couldn't even have a bit of fun...
Less than a second later, Balrog ran out of the toilet, mad.
"You assholes, you stole my...!" Birdie put a hand on his mouth to prevent him from saying compromising stuff. When Reality TV decided to produce that show the bosses knew exactly that the stuntmen they called were going to use enough drug to build a snowman, but they definitely weren't going to protect them if they decided to tell the whole world about that.
"Shaddap you retard. Wut's the problem?" Birdie snorted.
"Rolento stole my stuff." he pointed at the other man.
Birdie mentally made a memo to remind himself that a prank like that was only going to give him problems.
"I want some, Birdie!" Balrog complained again "I'm not going to be the nigga who remains out, you racist fuckers! I want..."
"TEN SECONDS!" a guy from the entrance yelled.
"Birdie, ya got cash to buy that! Now gimme my stuff!"
The English man shook his head. He just wanted to laugh at Balrog accusing HIM of being racist, but it wasn't the right moment. And there was no time to make him another line, they were going to get caught. He only had...
He gave Balrog a pill, hoping that everything went fine " 'ere, take this. But be careful, dat's stro..." he didn't even have time to finish the sentence. The other just swallowed it and nodded, satisfied.
Birdie put the small tube from his backpack in his mouth and sipped a few beer. They told him he couldn't bring alcohol in that program, so he found a way to bypass the rule.
Ok, that was going to be fun.

Inside the studio, a couple of announcers (who knew nothing about WHO they were going to interview) started the introduction.
"So...now we'll have the cast of a new reality show, called "Street Jackass". It'll start tonight, and it'll show nine stuntmen living together in a house. Actually, since it's going to be a surprise, not even WE saw a preview of it...so it's probably going to be fun. Ladies and Gentlemen...we're proud to introduce...STREET JACKASS!"

The music started, but instead of walking in, Rolento grabbed two small smoke bombs and threw them in the studio, yelling "FIRE!" at the top of his lungs.
The orange smoke that came out scared everyone, while the nine men made their triumphal entrance.
Apart from the smoke, they all seemed normal. At least until they saw the colorful neon halo on Cody's head. And then Ken followed, holding a (dressed!) sex doll and thrusting his hips against it. Nothing too obscene, but not something they expected.
The nine disposed themselves and showed to the cameras the letters on their back, that spelt the word "jackass", plus two skulls on the girls' b-side.
The announcers stared at the scene, a little startled.
"Well...I guess we can start the interview...right?" the female announcer tried to smile.
"Whenever you want, sweetie." Ken winked at her.
"Ok...you're definitely original..." she giggled nervously and looked at her colleague. They told them to keep all the guys in line, but it was going to be harder than they thought. Especially because there was no time to edit the interview, it was all live.
"More than you can imagine in your worst nightmares." Bison grinned evilly.
"Back to the interview..." the male announcer coughed, trying to save the situation.
"We didn't even start..." Ibuki stared at him and shrugged.
"Well, maybe we should, then." he used all his strength to say that. He wanted to be somewhere else. Even a coffin would've been a good idea, but he definitely didn't want to be THERE, with those nine smiling weirdos.
"Soooo...how...how come you decided to join the Street Jackass cast?" the female announcer regained a few confidence. Maybe they were acting like that because they could feel how insecure her and her colleague were. Being a little more resolute was going to help. She pointed the mic at Mika, who was the first one.
"Well...where else you can find a bunch of sexy pieces of beefcake like them? No, seriously, look at them. If I had the chance, I'd marry all of them." she smiled. The worst thing was that she WASN'T kidding.
Cody shrugged "All of us? You can't satisfy seven men all together."
"Apart from Balrog, I meant. You really thought I could marry the Babo?" she shook her head, disgusted.
"Well, who knows." the guy shrugged again, smiling.
"No. No. NO. Next question, please. Anyway, what are your names?" she asked the announcers.
They replied that their names were Bob and Julia, then she pointed the mic at Cody.
"It's still the same question? Well...I was bored. And..." he stood up "I WANTED TO GET NOTICED!" he threw away his white elegant clothes, remaining only in black latex boxers.
"The fuck, that's why you wore clothes for strippers. I hoped the whole time that you wouldn't do that." Ken looked away "I'll be scared and scarred for life...people, if there's a doctor here, I'd like to get a lobotomy."
Julia was as red as a tomato, staring at that smooth, muscular body.
"You waxed yourself..." Ibuki walked towards Cody just to touch his chest. Then she passed a finger on his leg, impressed "Mika, I can see the envy on your face...you'll never be this smooth."
"I still have more boobs than you." Mika stuck out her tongue at her friend.
"Fake." the black-haired girl shook her head.
"Real. And if they want proofs, they can touch them, I don't have problems." she squeezed her breasts, proud of herself.
Ibuki laughed and went back to her seat. But for that night the surprises weren't over.
"Wait a second." she stopped in front of Sagat. She studied every inch of his body, then her eyes widened in half shock, half amusement. That was a bit too much...TV wasn't going to allow it...but ok, she couldn't resist to point it out.
"Hey, all cameras, look at this guy's jeans. No, seriously, look. All the cameras, look there." she pointed at his crotch. He didn't move, as if he didn't care at all that his legs were the center of the attention "Sagat, you didn't wear boxers!"
Sagat slightly tilted his head to the left "So?"
"Sagat, you know that women will start stalking you if they see what you have between your legs, right? And me and Mika don't like sharing..." she giggled and sat on his right leg, caressing his shoulder.
"You can't keep a tiger in a cage." he nodded, closing his only eye.
"Well, I think I can. Especially if the tiger decides to come too close to me." Bison interrupted him and flashed his taser. The sparkling of the electricity scared Ibuki, who jumped away from Sagat.
"You brought a fucking taser!" she couldn't believe it.
"Surprise, baby." he sneered "And I'm going to use it. Any volunteers?"
Rolento laughed, putting a match in his mouth, as if it was a cigarette "How much you're offering for it? I always wanted to get tasered..."
"BACK TO THE INTERVIEW..." Bob exclaimed, scared that the situation was about to take a turn for the worse.
"Right, right!" Ken interrupted him again. He held the sex doll in front of the camera "I wanted to tell Cody that luckily his mother managed to come and see us!"
Cody looked at his friend, puzzled. His mother was in another State...
"Here! Say hi to your mother!" Ken gave him the sex doll, laughing.
"KEN, STOP INSULTING MY MOTHER!" Cody stood up and threw away the doll. He was about to punch Ken in the face, when the long-haired guy stopped him.
"No, Cody, don't get mad..." he stood up and picked up the doll. He lifted the shirt, and pointed at the writing in black marker "Cody's mother" on the back. Then he turned it and unzipped the jeans, to show another writing. This time it was "Ken was here" with an arrow pointing between the legs.
"KEN, YOU'RE DEAD!" Cody punched him in the face, making him fall behind. Everyone ran towards him to calm him down.
Ken managed to stand up and shook his head. On his left cheek there was a huge purple bruise. Luckily, all his teeth looked ok.
"Ok, I deserved it. I'm sorry, man..."
Cody didn't reply. He simply sat down on his seat, as if nothing happened.
"You think we'll survive this interview?" Julia looked at Bob, desperate.
"Think that if we survive, we'll be almost immortal." they stared at the nine. They were just there, without caring at all that other people saw them and that they were acting as retarded clowns.
Bob glanced back at his colleague. He finally found the right question to embarrass them. Maybe they were going to stop acting as idiots after that...
He turned towards Bison, assuming that he was the boss. Well, from the face he had, he sure looked like it. If he stopped him, the others were going to calm down, too.
"So...you're doing this kind of stuff..." he started "...aren't you afraid that people could think you're on drugs?"
Bison stared at him for a second, then he replied "Well...this is a tricky question indeed. If we say we DON'T use drugs, people will call an ambulance and lock us in a mental hospital. On the other side, if we say we use drugs, they're going to arrest us. We need to think about it."
Birdie shook his head "No, listen, they arrest you if you sell drugs. If you only use it, tha's a'right...I believe."
"Problem solved." Bison nodded "What are you going to do now?"
Bob looked around, shocked. That was NOT what he expected. He wanted them to act as human beings. He wanted them to respect him and Julia. And he failed.
"So...you're saying that...right now...you..." Julia couldn't believe her ears.
"If you consider osmosis, you might be, too." Bison sneered again.
The others bursted out laughing. Mika asked Cody what the hell osmosis was, but he simply told her to laugh and ignore it.
"Your friends are always like this?" Bob asked Balrog, the only one who wasn't laughing.
"Who are you?" the black man asked. His eyes were bleary and he looked like he didn't sleep for a week.
"Eh?" the announcer blinked in surprise.
"Wut did 'e say?" Birdie joined the conversation, hoping to move away Bob's attention. Balrog didn't listen when he tried to explain that he shouldn't have swallowed the pill, and now the disaster was done.
"He asked me who I am." Bob looked at the other, incredulous.
"Dat moron didn't sleep last night, he didn't." Birdie shook his head and sipped more beer from the tube.
"Ok...also because now I've really seen everything...speaking of which...what's that?"
"Tea. I wanted ta be politically correct. This way you can't see the brand." he nodded.
Ibuki coughed loudly at the last thing Birdie said. The lie was so painfully obvious that she had to hold back from opening the backpack to show what was inside.
"Smurfs, why are you running away? I'm not gonna eat you!" Balrog exclaimed, staring into nothing. Ok, that wasn't going to be easy to explain.
"What did you give him, idiot?" Ibuki whispered to Birdie.
"I told 'im not ta swallow..." the black man scratched his neck, not knowing what to do. But they had to make him shut up before he did something stupid.
"What do we..." she started.
Everything was interrupted by a cry. They turned towards the sound, and they saw Balrog swaying on his seat, with his eyes wide open. Near him, Bison was toying with his taser.
"You tasered him?" Sagat asked calmly.
"Yes. When he starts talking he becomes annoying." Bison grinned. It seemed like that was the only action his face could perform.
And then Balrog, instead of falling on the floor, remained for a second still, then he vomited and fell back.
"Interesting reaction." Bison stared at him "It never happened before."
"How many times you tasered him?" Julia asked, making a few steps towards the exit. In her eyes there was pure terror.
"Not too many, he's still alive."
Bob decided to make the last question to Birdie, since he seemed the calmest among them, and then kick everyone out. He needed a camomile and something for headache.
"So...Birdie, right? What did you do to your leg?" he pointed at the brace on his knee.
The other took the mic "Can I say arsehole an' son of a bitch in this show?" he asked.
Julia looked away "Actually...you..."
Birdie apologized "Yer right, my fault. Anyways, dat broken-arse bastard, Rolento. He thought it was a good idea ta call us for a reunion, he did, an' put air-bags under our chairs. Then 'e made them explode. I fell on my knee, an' now I 'ave to wear this thing. But 'e's gonna pay."
As soon as the English man ended his answer, Bob took back the mic and spoke as fast as he could "Ok. You're some really nice guys, but I'm afraid the time is over..."
Julia understood him and pretended to look at her watch "You're right! Damn, we have to end the show...I'm so sorry guys..." she had the first real smile on her face since the stuntmen entered in the studio.
Before she could walk away, Bison grabbed the mic from her hands and pointed at the camera "I won't repeat this. Watch Street Jackass, because I'll know if you don't. And when I'll come, you'll wish you were never born."
"Ok...CREDITS!" Bob yelled. When the red light on the cameras went out, he almost fainted for the relief. It was over. It was finally over!
The guys started walking out. Birdie and Cody grabbed Balrog by his arms and legs and carried him out, refusing to call an ambulance.
Sagat waited for Mika, then he gently took her hand and kissed it.
"Gentleman!" she giggled.
Then he suddenly pulled her towards the puddle of Balrog's vomit, almost making her trip.
"Asshole!" she yelled, jumping back. Unfortunately, one of her boots touched that stuff. And Sagat was walking away, laughing.
She reached him, and without saying a word she cleaned the boot on his jeans.

When they reached the others, they noticed that the guys were all around Rolento, who was doing something with Ken's doll.
"What's going on? A free sex show and nobody told us?" Mika asked.
"Rolento wants to put a few firecrackers inside the doll to see what happens." Ken answered.

In the studio, the directors of Reality TV turned off the television.
Yes, that show was definitely going to be the revelation of the season.

Ok, ok. This is probably the most retarded Street Fighter thing you'll ever see here. I hope at least you had fun reading it.
Anyway, if you're reading this, thank you because you made it this far.
And I just noticed that I gave those poor interviewers the names of a couple from SFxT. XD

If enough people like (and comment) on this, I could even think about writing more about their show. The Nokia sketch, too, if you want. XD