The dream is always the same. Light everywhere I can see, filling my eyes and washing away everything in the world. Leaving me alone to fall in its formless depths. It's worse than death or hell, this eternal descent into nothing.
I should have known that Bella was going to be trouble, from the first moment I walked into the cafeteria and overheard Jessica Stanley talking shit about me, yet again.
"Stuck up bitch!"
The sound of jealousy in Jessica's nasally voice was unmistakable. It's been three months since she tried to choke me with her tongue while we watched The Notebook. Alice forces me to watch with her at least a couple times a month, and for some reason she invited Jessica to watch it with us that night. Jessica caught me on a bad night. I was weak, horny and I would have gladly tongue wrestled with Jabba the Hutt rather than watch that trite, emotionally manipulative, piece of shit movie again.
Luckily, her strawberry-kiwi flavored Hubba Bubba saved me from going any further when it slid down my throat and nearly choked me to death. Thankfully, Jessica's screaming woke up Alice, who, despite her size, has a lot of practice giving the Heimlich maneuver to Emmett. He has a bad habit of talking and laughing while eating, which often ruins pleasant family dinners, and holidays.
That night was ruined, too, and I had to send a confused Jessica home with her gum in her hair. I never talked to her about what happened; actually I've never talked to her ever again. Especially after Lauren Mallory tried to use the incident to get a dig on me outside of gym class.
"You need to leave Jessica alone," Lauren sneered, her lips pulled tight over her crooked, fang-like teeth.
As I stare up at her, I wonder why no one has ever told her that wearing bright pink lipstick only accentuates the frightening look of her teeth. Alice told me that she overheard Lauren bragging that she refused to get braces, because she didn't want to look like a dork. That just makes me want to laugh, whenever I take in the horror of her uneven shark smile.
"What are you going on about?" I scowl, as I finished retying my stupid gym shoes.
I don't know why they won't let me wear my Docs in gym class.
"She told me about how you attacked her the other night," Lauren laughed as she leaned closer to me, and I panicked.
"What?" I gasped, looking as shocked as I could manage. "Why in the hell would she say that? I fell asleep before the movie even started. Ask Alice."
Later, when Lauren asked Alice, my sister did as I asked and confirmed that I had fallen asleep. She even added that Jessica had watched me sleep with a dreamy look on her face, and had tried to cuddle up with me. I really would have rather she hadn't said that last comment, because it didn't take long for word to spread, and Jessica has hated me ever since.
It was my fault, I should have never done anything with Jessica in the first place, and I made it worse by asking Alice to cover for me. For years, I have been hiding behind my sister's expert ability to lie as well as a CIA mole. In fact, to my knowledge, Jazz and I are the only people who can tell when she does it. She has subtle tells; twitching her right eye; looking to the left; or recently, she's started wrinkling her nose.
"Looks like Stanley's got her twat in a knot today," Alice giggled, and I quickly turned to glare at her.
"Alice!" Jasper and I both groaned in unison.
Alice always tries to sound hip when she swears, but it usually comes out sounding messed up and gross.
"What?" She frowned at both of us, and yanked a French fry off my plate. "I got that one from Emmett." She stuck her bottom lip out as she chewed, and wrinkled her nose, like the fry tasted funny.
"Liar," I chuckled, and tossed another French fry at her.
"Definitely," Jazz said catching it mid air and popping it into his mouth.
"Speaking of Emmett, where did he go?" Alice asked, trying to change the subject, while Jazz and I subtly exchanged congratulatory looks over having spotted her lying, again.
"Last time I saw him, he and Rose were headed toward the parking lot," Jazz said, leaning over to steal another couple of fries off my plate.
"Ugh," I groaned, and snatched up my burger before he could take a bite.
Jasper loves to eat my food, but I play along because he's my best friend. Also, he lives with his grandma, and her social security checks barely cover their expenses. I've eaten at Jasper's house, and I never want eat tuna casserole again. I couldn't imagine having to eat her cooking every day.
"Looks like the new girl's getting cozy with Stanley," Jazz said, bumping my shoulder.
I glanced over and noticed that a girl, who I assumed must be the new girl, was looking at me. Her dark brown eyes fixed on me, and I suddenly forgot my name. Jasper yanked my burger out of my hands, laughing at his trick, but I didn't care. I was too busy staring at how her dark hair fell over her shoulders in lazy curls, and how her pale skin seemed to glow in the usually washed-out florescent lighting of the cafeteria. She was gorgeous and...was still staring at me.
"Ed, you there?" Alice patted the side of my face, and I jerked back from her hand.
"Uh, yeah," I coughed, trying to cover up trying to cover up the fact that my cheeks were suddenly flushed pink. "So, we still hitting Port Angeles this weekend?"
I quickly changed the subject, hoping that they wouldn't notice that I was blushing. Alice wouldn't care, but Jasper could never pass up a chance to tease me when I'm acting girlie. Especially since, I relentlessly teased him for having the middle name Leslie. I never let him forget about the time we all got wasted on some whiskey that Emmett snagged from Dad's liquor cabinet. Alice and I tackled Jasper and dressed him up in one of my mom's old dresses. He is actually really pretty, like a prom queen with five-o-clock shadow. Every time he came over, he ransacked my room for the pictures that show Emmett carrying him over his shoulders. The three of us are always pulling pranks on each other; it's just our way.
"Edina Elizabeth Cullen, are you blushing?" Emmett's voice boomed through the cafeteria and I prayed for a swift death. "Sorry, sport, but I owed you for Rose's cell phone."
He dragged his hand through my hair roughly, making me jerk to the side to get away.
"Piss off, Emmett," I groaned as I slapped the back of my hand toward his crotch, but he easily deflected my hand.
Sure, I deserved it. I was the one that stole Rose's cell phone and got Jasper to take a picture of the underside of his balls with it, and set the picture as Emmett's contact picture and slipped it back into her purse. It was just pure luck that I happened to be standing near her in the parking lot when Emmett called her the other day, and she screamed like a banshee. It was, totally worth it.
"Alice, Jasper," Rose pointedly greeted everyone but me, and I rolled my eyes as she sat down on the opposite side of the table from me.
Rose was a selfish bitch, but worse than that, she'd tried to humiliate me last time we all went to Port Angeles.
"Move, Ed!" Rose sneered at me, with her giant, non-fat, sugar free, vanilla latte.
I didn't know why she even bothered; it probably tasted like air. I sat down in the one shady spot at the tiny cafe table; so what if it was next to Emmett? She always wanted to dry hump his leg every fucking second they were together.
"No, I just sat down," I replied, not looking up as I carefully inserted the straw into the tiny hole at the top of my iced mocha. "You snooze you loose, Doll-face."
"Don't call me that!" She hissed against the back of my neck, and jabbed me in the back with one of her dragon lady nails.
I knew that name was a sore spot; her ex used to call her that or some crap like that, but I didn't care.
"Ed, please," Emmett mumbled, being the pussy-whipped bitch that he always is around her.
I shook my head. I was tired of Rose always getting her way. Emmett and I used to hang out all the time. We would sneak out of school to go driving and to talk about everything. He wasn't just my big brother, he was my friend; he and Jasper were my only real friends. Then Rose had to come along and take up all his fucking time. It wasn't fair.
"Stop being a fucking child and move!" Rose growled, and slapped the back of my head.
"Fuck you, SLUT!" I screamed, swinging around and dumping my iced mocha all over her legs.
"YOU STUPID BITCH!" Rose screamed, dropping her drink, and started wiping at the front of her designer jeans.
"That's going to stain," I laughed, and got a punch in my arm from Emmett as he jumped up to help Rose.
"You selfish fucking DYKE!" Rose hissed it at me, her eyes wide with rage.
There's only one word that she knows will bring me close to violence and that's the reason she used it. She knows how humiliated it makes me feel, especially in public. I know, because Emmett told me that he'd warned her about using it. She knows about what happened back in Healy, and she knows that I can't STAND that word.
I stood, my fists up, but Emmett was already standing in front of her. His face was a mask of anger.
"Go wait in the car." He said it in such a cold voice, that I had to stare at him a few minutes to believe he was really talking to me like this, to me.
I finally gave up, took the keys from his outstretched hand and did as he told me. I'm never going to mean as much as she does to him. That was more than enough of a good reason to hate Rose.
"I'll see ya later, guys," I mumbled, getting up from the table and walked toward the exit.
"Meet you by the Vulva after class," Jasper called after me.
I hate it that Emmett's nickname for my car has stuck. I love my brother, but sometimes I want to drive a stake through his skull. I don't say anything as I approach the table where Jessica and the new girl are sitting.
"Bella, stop staring," I could hear Jessica hiss, and I took a chance.
Her eyes were even prettier up close, bright and dark at the same time. They made me think of milk chocolate. I could almost taste it on my lips. I wondered if she tasted as sweet as she looked. The thought brought me back to my surroundings and I quickly looked away and rushed out of the cafeteria.
I am not doing this again!
I sat at the old upright piano in the back corner of the music room, plunking the keys and trying to discern just how badly out of tune it was. We'd been in Healy for almost two months now, and everyone loved it. Dad was getting settled in at the Alaska Native Medical Center. Emmet finally had a place where he could actually use his Range Rover in the way it was intended, and Mom and Alice had a giant three story house to redecorate however they wanted. I, on the other hand, was miserable, as usual. I never fit in, no matter where we moved.
"Can you play?" Tanya Roberts was leaning against the piano, her long blonde hair laid like a smooth shining blanket down her back.
She was gorgeous, sweet, and the most popular girl in our tiny school.
"Yes," I practically whispered, trying to not stare at her, but she was the first person who talked to me.
Most of the other kids just stared at me. Alice told me that a lot of them were put off, because when I first arrived, they all thought I was a boy. It happened a lot. Mom always dismissed it by calling me a tomboy, and Dad said that it made it easier on him, since Alice was more than enough of a girl for the both of us.
"Will you play me something?" She slid onto the bench beside me, and I could hear my racing heartbeat thundering in my ear.
"Um...sure," I gulped and quickly scrambled to think of what to play.
I've always known that I liked girls, from my very first crush in fifth grade. Mrs. Pearson. She had the softest hair I'd ever felt. It used to brush along my cheek whenever she leaned over to look at my work, and I would steal sniffs of her latest shampoo scent. Strawberries, vanilla cream, coconut. Mrs. Pearson always smelled like food, which is weird when you think about it. At the time, I just thought, it meant that I was in love. Tanya smelled like baby powder, which wasn't as pleasant as Mrs. Pearson, but it still sent shivers through me.
My fingers started to move over the keys, and I was relieved to hear that most of them are in tune. As I continued to play, I glanced at Tanya, and her eyes were closed. She smiled and bobbed her head in time with the music. I couldn't help but smile, as my minds filled with the lyrics, though I stifled the urge to sing them for Tanya. I just focused on the notes, as David Bowie sang inside my head.
It felt like this song was written for me. I've always felt like an alien. Just like that sad girl sitting in an empty movie theater, watching her life play out in front her, but never being able to fully participate. I wasn't like the pretty girls in those movies, and I don't want to be. I don't want to fall in love with the hero. I want to be him. I want to save the girl. I want her to kiss me.
As I reached the end of the song, I looked at Tanya again, and she was staring at me. She looked like one of those girls, like a movie star or a princess. When she smiled at me, I wondered if she understood how I felt. If she felt as out of place as I did. Maybe she'd been waiting in this tiny Alaskan town for a girl like me to come and play her this very song. She opened her mouth, and I held my breath.
"That was great," she said, clapping her hands. "Do you know any Amy Grant?"
Author's note:
Kimpy0464 gave up sleep and piece of mind to ensure that this chapter out. Thanks, Baby!
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