"Achtung! Achtung!" crackled the Furor's voice over the intercom system as the German pilots scrambled across the metal platform which was becoming slippery from the torrential downpour coming down around them. The German pilots scrambled to board their fighting machines, ready to sail across the Atlantic Ocean to America to face the evil forces of Satan and his minions.
Chapter 1:
On that same fateful day, Bella Swan was walking down 69th street under a similar storm. Bella was a hollow shell of a human being with pale skin and an emotionless face. She was hated by just about everyone in the town for being a pretentious b*tch (I plan to sell this to orphans, so unfortunatley I have to censor myself), so no one payed any attention when she suddenly dropped to the ground, dead, for no reason.
No one, that is, except for Jakob Blak. Jakob was a person in much the same vein as Bella, a soulless husk, completely unlikable to anyone. He began to run in slow motion to reach Bella and see what was the matter, but, unfortunately, running in slow motion is something of a hindrance when one is in the middle of the street, and Jakob was flattened by several large trucks, a steamroller, Craig Benzine, a steam locomotive, a Japanese-style mini car, and a horse drawn carriage drawn by horses wearing porcupines for shoes. He died.
Meanwhile, across town, Edward was sitting inside his glass box of a room, moping in his bed as he did every day. The monotony of his self-absorbed sulking was broken when a huge fiery portal opened up in the middle of his room. From the portal emerged a heavily muscled, red-skinned man with black hair, horns, a tail ending in a point, and horns. It was Satan! Edward was scared sh*tless by the entry of the Lord of Darkness into his room, and tried to run.
However, Satan was a bit quicker than the girly-man vampire. With a snap of his clawed fingers, chains of fire materialized from thin air and snaked their way around Edward's effeminate body. The gender ambiguous son of Drakula's cocaine addict was unable to move, rooted to the spot by both the burning chains and the Dark Lord's presence.
"Edward P. Vampire" Satan said in a long, drawling voice like a knife scraping across stone,"Your girly antics and lack of any hint of monstrosity or badassery has been an embarrassment to Vampires everywhere. As you know, Vampires are my servants on earth. So, I am here to make a deal with you. You stop acting like a prissy little pretty-boy, go out and seduce some maidens to sucks their blood, and I won't kill you."
"No!" Edward screamed, "You can't tear me apart from Bella!"
"Then I guess I'll have to settle with just tearing you apart," Satan responded. At his words, the chains beginning to tighten around him, burning flesh and causing him to scream out...
End of Chapter 1