Kathryn. Her past could haunt her, but it made her strong. Chakotay came once in the night, like he had many times before. Sitting curled up on the couch, they talked like they had a thousand times; for hundreds of nights. He wished he could say, "I love you," for the words burst from his heart like the stars that glowed outside. His throat caught up and his hands gripped an invisible rope as he climbed, trying to form the words and reach the summit of his being.
On the bridge, she stood tall and proud, seldom stumbling as her ship, part of her, rocked beneath any pressure and attack. Her bigger-than-life stance made her miss meals and forgo sleep. Chakotay always looked on and observed his love. He prayed someday he'd be there to catch her when she finally stumbled or cried, in need of the love she ignored.
She pushed him away, with her mind far from her heart. She'd keep the coffee cup between them and breakfast would be silent. She kept her distance, though only a few feet in reality, a thousand miles away from Chakotay, her true soul mate.
She sat in silence most minutes and hours in the dim lights of her solitary, grey-standard quarters. If it was dark enough, maybe her past couldn't haunt her. Maybe she could pretend to sleep and avoid the bad dreams. If she said nothing, maybe the hurt would look her over and everything would go away. The guilt, the pain, the fear, the hope…the love- all so complicated.
Pictures and plants were on the shelves and soft blankets lay across the chairs and bed. She wished to be in the fields she remembered, to feel the soft dust that would wrap around her with the winds in Indiana. She imagined the rain, painting her face with fond memories. She saw dinner with her family. Her father, his eyes lined with fine wrinkles, and her mother in the pretty yellow sundress she'd admired, both vivid in her mind. Kathryn longed for the days when her mother's hands smoothed her hair, and brushed it with a silver brush. She remembered her long hair in a braid, trailing behind her as she ran.
The first day on a new ship was the best feeling she'd ever had. The sound of her light steps, the heels of her boots brushing the new carpets, barely giving under her in the lighter gravity in space dock. Nothing would ever get between the almighty Kathryn Janeway and her dreams anymore.
She'd let herself love and she'd lost all she had. She'd started again and worked her way back to life. Could she ever feel again?
Every stirring was a warning. A small fire sometimes ignited, setting off alarms in her head. His hand on her shoulder or a thankful hug when she was finally safe. Could he really feel that way?
Her walls crumbled, the bitter bricks falling at his touch. Kathryn resisted, cut her hair and changed the way she walked. She avoided his eyes and leaned away. He pushed her forward in her pursuits and continued his undying support. Chakotay knew she was scared inside. He knew she wanted to be shielded from hurt.
Could she really feel that way?
Her insides tingled at his warm touch. Her lips begged for attention when the electricity flew between them on the bridge. Kathryn closed her eyes willing the feeling away. She felt hate… and anger, and joy, and happiness. She felt fear and hesitation and hope. What was this? Was this what she thought it was? Only her angry warrior could look at her with his dark, inscrutable eyes, and make her shiver from the very depths of her being.
Everyone could see it. Kathryn couldn't, or was it just the wool she had pulled over her own eyes? Chakotay was waiting. He spent nights of shore leave alone, straying seldomly. He saved himself for a time he wasn't sure would ever come. He knew she'd come around, rather sooner than later. He knew somehow, inside of himself, that she knew what he still felt for her. He'd seen the way she looked at him. He'd seen the feeling that swirled in her sparkling blue eyes. He knew he constantly sent the same longing gazes towards her.
She was falling. Kathryn vaguely knew the feeling. She felt her wings spread far and wide, looking for the embrace she needed to complete her life. Kathryn wanted him to come to her, but she realized that she was the one who pushed him away. She'd always held him a step away, right beyond her fingertips. She was too alone, too blind within herself. Could she find the strength to bring Chakotay close to her? She'd strain her muscles and march through all her pain. She'd finally ignore what her mind told her and open her heart.
-
She felt only a slight loss. Kathryn only threw her loneliness away. She'd tossed the solo nights, the fevered dreams, and the imaginary trysts, all to the wind.
How'd they avoided this storm for this long? How'd they left this feeling at bay? Kathryn had held those sacred words within her lips, only a sigh away.
-
"I love you." She'd breathed between a kiss and caress, with him in her arms, stealing her breath.
"I've waited for years." He'd whispered and smoothed out her hair. His hands had free reign. The stars cast a glow on the couple in love; he whispered sweet sentiments and nibbled her lips.
Love echoed through the ship in more ways than one.
Tears we shed and memories made. Their love was bound and promises spoken. Forever together, and together their souls. Finally, Kathryn and her beloved, were whole.