A/N: this is going to be short, because I want to start the letter story thing. You should know, by the title that this is a letter Itachi got from Sasuke. ENJOY!!!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Nope. Or Itachi ^sniff^ wouldn't have died.... WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
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The Key:
Sasuke writing
Karin writing
Suigetsu writing
Juugo writing
Dear Itachi,
Happy Birthday. Oh, and I really hate you. I mean really really really really really really hate you. Yes. It is true. By the way, I just wanted to tell you that I am having a great time hunting your stupid ugly carcass all across the Land of Fire. JUST STAY IN ONE PLACE, DANG IT!! Oh, and Juugo likes birds. He wanted me to tell you that. And that he's going to rip your heart out piece by piece and feed it to said birds, then he's going to smash you against a wall repeatedly until you die, or when your guts start to spill out. Anyway is fine for him, he says. Each of my comrades will get a section of this letter to say what they wish, what they want to do to you, ect. First is Suigetsu, then Juugo, then me. Save the best for last, right? Well, here's Suigetsu:
Hello, Uchiha Itachi. Don't worry; I personally have nothing against you. Yet. I only have a vendetta against Hoshigaki Kisame, WHO WILL DIE AT MY HANDS!!!! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Ah, yes… I shall slice his limbs off one by one, and then tear off his head with my bare hands, and I will savor each moment his blood drips from my hands… Hehehe… Er, sorry. This is supposed to be some birthday letter, right? Well, happy birthday. By the way, is Kisame there? Do you mind relaying this message to him? I don't care if you won't. I'll say it anyway! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU KISAME!!! I WILL FEEL YOUR BLOOD RUN DOWN MY HANDS AND I WILL KILL YOU WITH YOUR OWN SWORD!!! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA— ErkkACKEarrkNEEEERKfika Ack… need… water…
Suigetsu had to go get some water, so he'll be back later. Maybe. I don't know. STOP ASKING ME!! I'M SERIOUS!!! Er… Next is Juugo, and he worries me a bit… You have a guy there in Akatsuki like that, right? I think his name is Zetsu… Anyway, here he, well, they are:
Hi, Itachi-san! I just thought you should know that— I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!— I love birds and animals!! They're so warm, fuzzy— FILLED WITH BLOOD— and fun to hug! Ah, I just wish Sasuke would know that violence isn't the answer— IT'S THE SOLUTION!!— and one shouldn't resort to it! Did I mention that— YOUR BLOOD WILL BE SMEARED ALL ACROSS THE WORLD— I can talk to them! The birds. Yup. I mean—YOUR MOM!!!— not too many people believe me when I tell them that, so I hope that you do. FOR YOUR SAKE!!! IF YOU DON'T THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT WILL BE ARRANGING A MEETING WITH YOUR BUTT!!! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Have you had any cheese lately? It is very good and taste amazing in stringy form. Ya know, string cheese? Ha-ha, I made a joke! LAUGH AT IT!!! I COMMAND YOU NOW!!!! LAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!! I'M NOT AFRAID TO RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND USE IT AS BIRD SEED!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO—
Sorry, but Juugo's message had to be cut short too. He started to have another breakdown, and we had to tape him down with some duck tape. But it has to have a bunny design, or he'll break through it and kill us all. You first, of course. I'll just tell him to do whatever he pleases, as long as I get to do the final blow. Don't worry, he's not like Orochimaru (he's dead— I absorbed him and his weird snake-powers) and he won't molest you (I don't see who'd want to do that, really), he'll just kill you with the malicious determination of fifteen Hannibal Lectors. Nevermind, cross that out; a million Hannibal Lectors. Man, I can't wait to see your messed-up body when he gets rid of you!! You'll be so dead that I'll probably won't even want to kill you! Just kidding. I'll always want to kill you. Always. ALWAYS!!That's a promise I'll keep forever. Until you die, of course. But that might not be for awhile. Unless I decide to kill you, like, tomorrow. Then you'll be dead— tomorrow.
Actually, you have quite a few people that want to kill you, rip your brains out, stab you profusely, ect. You are really hated, aren't you? Do you just have a sign on your back that says 'HATE ME NOW", or something? Seems like it. Here's a list of all the people: Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi, Danzo, Tsunade, Madara (didn't know I knew about him, did ya?), all of Konoha, snakes, all of the people in the land of Fire, all the people in the world, life itself, your eyes, a few people in Zimbabwe, the state of Nebraska, the continent of Antarctica, and I would name some more people, but I don't have enough space in this letter.
Why haven't I been able to write anything, Sasuke-kun?
Maybe he doesn't want you to write anything, idiot.
Do you want to say that to my face?!
No, I don't want to go blind.
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
You can try, but you won't succeed!!
Wanna bet?!
How much?! I only have $100 from the crap you had of Sasuke's that I sold on E-Bay.
WHAT?!?!?! I WAS PLANNING ON USING THAT TO CLONE—
What were you gonna do?
N-nothing…
CHEESE!!! I WANT CHEESE!! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
You can't have any cheese, Juugo. It makes you go insane.
But I want… CHEESE!!! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRR!!!
No cheese. And let me finish the letter. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I can't wait to kill you! Since I have nothing else to really say, this letter is finished. Goodbye. Oh, and Juugo's gonna come and kill you in ten minutes. Yup.
Happy Birthday,
Sasuke. Plus Juugo, Suigetsu, and Karin.
(P.S.: The ten minutes started when you started reading this letter, so it's really only five minutes.)
(P.S.S.: I CAN'T WAIT TO KILL YOU!!! I'LL RIP YOU APART LIKE STRING CHEESE!!!)
(P.S.S.S.: Uh, I think you should tape him down again, Sasuke…)
(P.S.S.S.S.: Itachi, are you as cute as Sasuke?!?!)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.: He's Sasuke's brother. What do you think?!)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.: Yeesh, I didn't know!!)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.: I WANT MY ZAMBONI BACK!!! GIVE IT BAAAAAAAAACK!!!)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S: We don't have your Zamboni, Juugo. You left it at the ice-skating rink, remember?)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.: I did? Hmm… Oh. Which ice-skating rink?)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.: The one in Denmark.)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.: OFF TO DENMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!!!)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.: Well, that got rid of him…)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.: Only if it would get rid of you…)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.: ARRRRRRRRG. I KEEL JU!!!!)
(P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.: Oh, and Itachi? It's only a minute now.)
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Itachi's eyebrow twitched as he finished the letter. What the heck…? He thought, looking at the letter.
Kisame, who was also reading the letter, was confused. Does insanity run in there family…? He shook his head, trying to get the insanity of his letter out of his fishy brain.
Itachi was just about to say something else, but the doorbell rang. He calmly walked over to the door, opening it.
"DIE, ITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACHI!!!!"
"KISAME YOUR BLOOD WILL BE ON MY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDS!!!"
"Make sure you save some for me, Juugo!!! He does look like Itachi!!!"
"I told you we'd be here in a minute, Itachi. NOW I'll KILL YOU!!!! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
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A/N: To this day, no one has seen Itachi or Kisame. Even me, and I'm the author!! Seriously, this is insanity!! Anyway, this was for Itachi's birthday, and I'm pretty sure I lost brain cells doing this. Oh, and if you want me to do other letters, just tell me in a review, 'kay? Hope you enjoyed it!!!!!
REVIEW!!!