He didn't cry when Sasha died. Milla did. Lili did. All of them did. At least, the ones that were left did.
It was understandable. It was normal, very normal to cry. Sasha Nein had been a hero to so many. He was remembered that way. The way he would have wanted it. The way the children wanted it.
And even if he hadn't been Special Agent Sasha Nein, death was still death. It was still unsettling. It still made people shed tears, even when it was the death of a stranger. It was the idea. The idea that death could happen at anytime, to anyone.
Raz wasn't sure why he hadn't cried. Maybe he was too upset. Maybe he was so upset that he couldn't feel any emotion at all. Except shock.
Or perhaps he was livid. Sasha had died in battle. Raz just wanted revenge. He wanted blood-filled retribution for his hero's death.
Otherwise, God help him, he was relieved. Raz was glad to be out of the shadows, in the spotlight, allowed to actually fight. Allowed to be off-guard, for once. Not having to look out for somebody else's back. Raz was pleased to be alone. He was never alone.
Well, he'd gotten his wish then.
Was he feeling guilty? He was supposed to have Sasha's back, like always. He was supposed to be the backup. And he had fucked up. Big time. Beyond "big time". He couldn't write this in his report.
"My partner is dead. I killed him."
If not any of the above, then he was punishing himself. He wouldn't let himself live anymore. He wouldn't let himself be responsible for anyone, anything but himself.
And the more time that passed, the more distant Razputin became. The more he became a dead man. The further he turned into Sasha Nein. He wore sunglasses all the time and he was never satisfied with anything he did.
He decided to take up smoking. Just so his body would remember the taste of cigarettes and the taste of choking. Just so he wouldn't forget. He didn't want anyone to forget. He didn't want Sasha to forget that Raz was still alive and he wasn't.
He wanted to cry, but he just couldn't do it anymore. Crying meant it was over. Crying meant that Sasha really would never come back from that battle. That the person Raz always wanted to be was gone.
It meant the end and Raz knew it. It was only a matter of time until he accepted it.
Angst.
Psychonauts (c) Double Fine.