It's funny when all you've ever wanted, all you've been searching has always been under your nose. You feel stupid when you realize you've wasted so much time looking for something that has always been in your reach. You just had to grab onto it and it would have been yours.
sometimes I wonder how could I not notice what I had in front of me but then again I wasn't putting to much attention at the time, I was too wrapped in my own drama to notice anything but me. I guess it needed to be this way so I could really value everything I have.
When we move to L.A I had a lot of trouble adapting myself to the new environment everything I knew was swept away from me and I had this new world where everything was going faster. I felt so left out like I didn't fit anywhere not even with my family.
My family, they adapted so easy to the change that I felt like I didn't belong with them either. Mom and Dad found good and challenging jobs, they had less time but they made the most out of it. Glen hit it off at school he was popular instantly just like he was back home, basket ball team and everything even Clay made some friends in his first week.
I do have friends, well people I hang out, mostly the cheerleader squat and Glen's friends. I'm not as popular as Glen but I'm not an outcast either. I just don't feel like I fit in. sometimes I hang out with Clay and his friends they are a lot cooler than the cheerleaders, you know in that "we are real people not plastic manufactured Barbies and Kens" sort of way. It's actually refreshing when i hang with them.
And it doesn't help either that lately I been feeling kind of off with the guys I've dated. Sometimes all I want is to disappear that way I wouldn't have to deal with everything going around me. Sometimes I know why I feel this way but days like today I just don't wanna even acknowledge it. I'm still on the edge when all you want is to jump into the unknown but you're still too scared to do it on your own.
I mean how in the hell am I supposed to deal with everyone expectations being crushed. I've always done what I was supposed to do. But right know I feel that if I don't do this little thing for myself and instead just please everyone else I might just explode this time.
Life was so much easier when I was ten, I didn't had to worry about society and it's stupid rules. I'm so scared, I know what some of my family is gonna say and I'm not prepared to fight for me. I'm afraid of what my mom is gonna say if she founds out I'm...I'm... ggg... gay! i hate my life