WHAT THE -BEEP-
JUST HAPPENED?
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Summary: Before Chi Bi - Zhou Yu is almost dead. Lu Xun together with Lu Meng and Gan Ning carried out a secret plan to revive Zhou Yu from his sick bed. This story is a total non-sense, whatever happens just happens, even though it's not supposed to happen, it just happens anyway, because we made it happen.
Disclaimer: The characters mentioned in this story are written in China's history. The game Dynasty Warriors & ROTK belong to KOEI. If there's an original character, it must be just a toilet cleaner or some random people on the street.
(italic) - thoughts
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CHAPTER
I - PROLOGUE
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"NOOOOOooooooooooooooooooOOOOO …. You can't take him away from me! Boohoohoohoooooo…" Xiao Qiao's crying a river and drenched her older sister, Da Qiao's shoulder wet.
"Doctor, is there any other way to cure my brother?" asked Sun Ce
"My sincere apologies, My Lord, I have done all that I could." The doctor replied with a bow and leave silently
What exactly is happening here?
That's right. Every corner of the Wu Kingdom is mourning over their smart-EST, beautiful-EST, SOPHISTICATED warlord's illness, the dashingly irresistibly handsome Lord Zhou Yu. Right now, he could do nothing but lay down on his bed 24/7 like sleeping beauty, but sadly there's no prince charming to wake him up. The Lord of Wu, his sworn brother, had called all doctors to cure his mysterious illness, however, it was futile. Everybody almost give up, even Zhou Yu himself. Every single day, he's counting the falling maple leaves on the tree while chanting to himself: "I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die."
While the kingdom is covered in desperation of losing their best strategist, only one man still has not given up. He carried upon himself an impossible mission to cure his beloved mentor, somewhere, not so far away, in a small, secluded, tiny itty bitty, cramped little room.
"-Yaaaawn- …. You sure it's gonna work?"
"SSSHHHHH!"
"Seeesh…. All right, if anyone needs me, I'll be napping right here, kay?" said Gan Ning as he leaned near the shady window. "But to begin with…. I mean, think about it. Who would drink a pesticide, mixed with bleach and dead cockroach?"
"Gan Ning, shut up. You'll ruin his concentration." Lu Meng answered with silent but threatening tone.
"Lu Meng, can you hand me one of the bottle on the fourth shelf?" asked the serious young man politely.
Lu Mend goes to the shelf that was mentioned and stops as he's reading labels of each bottle. Every bottle was written with secret codes: 'x'. Not that it's necessary, but they're just too lazy to think of other secret names like: 'chicken feet', or 'oxy-clean' or 'dragon dung' or, etc, etc, etc… So instead, they named each bottle with 'X's to keep it easy, simple and clean, besides, 'X's sounds kinda cool and secretive.
"Lu Xun, which bottle do you need?"
"The XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX one."
Lu Meng thinks for a while and counting how many 'X's Lu Xun mentioned "One two three four ….. Twenty two 'X's. Here you go."
"Thanks." Lu Xun replied shortly and back to concentrate on his experiment and stuff.
Few hours later, it was awkward silent. Nothing else can be heard but Gan Ning and Lu Meng who snore like a harmonious choir.
"AAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!"
"WHAT?" Lu Meng wakes up abruptly
"Huh-?" Gan Ning opens his heavy lid, where he sees Lu Xun screaming.
"This is it … everybody …. WE MADE IT!" Lu Xun declared confidently.
"Made what?"
"I heard you screaming. Did you get hurt?"
"Huh? Oh, no. I was screaming with joy." Lu Xun continued with his formula and mysterious chemical stuff. "Now look over here." He lifted up the curtain out of nowhere and displayed a guard with his hands tied up on his back.
"First, we shall identify the main cause of Lord Zhou Yu's sickness." Lu Xun explained to Lu Meng and Gan Ning who sat up obediently like good children. He takes a glass of green liquid "You see what I have here?"
"Yes, council, it's the pesticide, bleach and dead cockroach that you mixed yesterday."
"Good, Gan Ning." Lu Xun continued. "Now, we shall see the impact of this deadly concoction."
"But my lord, I have three wives and a husband and sixteen children… I can't die now!" cried the guard.
(A husband? I can understand three wives, but … a HUSBAND?) Lu Meng thought.
Not paying attention to the guard, Lu Xun continues his lecture. "As you see, it is obvious if you think by common sense that drinking pesticide and bleach will be fatal for your health, not to mention the dead cockroach."
"I don't wanna DIIIEEEEEEE! Please! Please! PLEAAASEE! I have four old and sick mothers and five pigs, they just gave birth to cute little piglets yesterday, I haven't say good bye to my cat! I don't want my little brother to inherit my fortune-" The guard cried miserably.
(Four mothers? …. And pigs and cats … polygamy must run in his family..) Thought Lu Meng again.
"BUT!" Lu Xun shouted to dramatize his lecture.
Both Lu Meng and Gan Ning and the crying guard are waiting for his next action with anxiety.
Lu Xun smirked. He took a small vial and mixed it together with the deadly concoction of pesticide, bleach and dead cockroach.
"And … PUFF!" Lu Xun examines the concoction carefully. The green liquids slowly turning white " …. Kuru.. kuru.. kuru….."
Gan Ning whispered to Lu Meng with weird looks. "Kuru … kuru-kuru?"
"Sssh… That's the sound effect." Replied Lu Meng
Lu Xun turns to the tied-up guard, making the poor guy scared and embarrassed at the same time by the sharp stare of a cute pretty boy.
Lu Xun consoles him gently. "I know you have three wives."
"Yes.." cried the guard.
Lu Xun smiles "Don't worry about them, they will re-marry later. Your sixteen children will go to school properly and they will be happy with their new father."
Slightly wounded by Lu Xun's sharp answer, he continued "How about my husband, sir?"
"He will find a new partner."
Stabbed by Lu Xun's deadly answer, he asked again. "But my four old mothers, sir?"
"They will receive proper burial and be prayed at the altar regularly."
(But they're still alive….) thought the guard.
"My pigs and piglets?"
"Will be barbecued."
He almost cried. "And my cat..?"
"Is now mine."
"Is there anything else?" Asked Lu Xun. The guard is crying his pants off. Lu Xun takes that as the answer. He brings near the concoction.
"Please consider this as a contribution to our glorious kingdom. We're about to lose our most precious warlord and strategist. If he were to die, we will lose our war. Poor Xiao Qiao will become a widow at such young age. Sima Yi will laugh his head off for he will become the best strategist in the land, only to be defeated by Zhuge Liang. The Wu kingdom would be no more! And by the time that happens, you may say good bye to your three wives, sixteen children, a husband and four mothers and pigs, and piglets, and cat."
The guard felt very devastated.
"And your little brother will inherit your fortune." Lu Xun added.
"NUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! I don't want that! Bohohhoooooo…"
"So.. in order to prevent that to happen." Lu Xun offered the concoction.
-GULP- The guard stared at the white liquid nervously.
"Be brave, soldier. Your deed shall be rewarded and remembered forever." Lu Meng added to convince the guard. "No body here can be as brave as you to drink such deadly drink. Not even Gan Ning"
"Eew.. Yuck! Get that away from me." Gan Ning cowered up to the corner with his lousy acting.
The guard grabbed the vial with his trembling hands. It is a contribution for his beloved country. He shall be rewarded and be remembered forever as a hero who died becoming a guinea pig.
"Don't worry, it tastes like banana." Lu Xun smiled.
Slowly, the guard takes sips from the drinks …..
AND THEN…………….
"I'm gonna die … I'm gonna die… I'm gonna die …"
"Hey.. it's …" Gan Ning stood, astounded.
"That's exactly… what Lord Zhou Yu has been chanting all this time!" said Lu Meng who is as surprised as Gan Ning.
The guard is trembling to the corner, hiding behind the curtain, with his face as pale as piece of paper. His eyes open wide and paranoid, while chanting "I'm gonna die"
" Lu Xun! You did it! You're brilliant!" Gan Ning glomped Lu Xun with joy.
"You smart boy!" Lu Meng took off Lu Xun's hat and ruffled his hair. They hug him, kiss him, squeeze him, that he couldn't breathe in his almost ripped off clothes.
"I'm mmf-ghdkmmfffffmggm!"
"You hear something?" Gan Ning gave an eerie looks while busy ruffling Lu Xun's head.
"I'm not DONE YET!"
Both Lu Meng and Gan Ning stopped their aggressive affection towards Lu Xun. They realized that the well composed and groom strategist now looks no different than a pretty hobo on the street because of their barbaric actions.
Lu Xun walked up to the front of table limping. "All right… We have found the cause. However, during our study, I have also discovered the solution. In other words.. the ELIXIR tablet to cure Lord Zhou Yu's mysterious disease."
Lu Meng and Gan Ning are clapping their hands.
"BUT!" Lu Xun shouted to dramatize his lecture again.
And again, both Gan Ning and Lu Meng waiting for his next explanation anxiously
"The tablet that I discovered.. It could be three times more fatal than the concoction that our poor guard just drank."
"………………."
Utter silence filled the room. The three of them looked at each other quietly.
"Well…" Lu Xun smiled sadly. "You don't have to worry about anything. Please take care of our lord, and if this medicine really wouldn't work, please send my deepest apology to Lord Zhou Yu and Lord Sun Ce."
"Lu Xun, you can't be thinking that you're gonna-" Gan Ning cut the conversation
"I've thought about this countless times. I'd be happy if I could give up my life to secure the future of our glorious kingdom. One Lu Xun can be replaced by many, but Wu will be doomed if we lose our greatest strategist, Lord Zhou Yu" Lu Xun said solemnly as he took a tablet in his hand
"STOP! Lu Xun, you're wrong! You're as important as everybody here! You're even more unique than anyone else! We can't find any other pyromaniac to replace you!"
Lu Xun looked at Lu Meng with his melancholic smile. "Lord Lu Meng… You can find another boy who likes to play with fire. I'm sure there will are quite many in Wu .. Or if you can't find them, you can train them yourself. It's really not that hard. You just have to make them practice burning papers and houses. I understand your good will and kind heart. However, I have decided. I've also written my will already. If I were to die, I can rest in peace."
"You CANT! What the hell are you THINKING?" Gan Ning yelled. "Who's gonna inherit your sword?"
"Please bury them with me."
"How about your money?" Gan Ning continued asking
"Will go to my family."
"Your house?"
"Will be owned by my family"
"Your books and stuffs?"
"Will be published on the bookstore."
"Goddammit! What can I have then?" He shouted in frustration
Lu Xun stays quiet and thinks for a while. Then he takes off his hat and gives it to Gan Ning.
"Uhh… thanks?"
With Gan Ning stays quiet after receiving Lu Xun's hat and now is trying to fit it on his head, Lu Meng continues to persuade Lu Xun. "This is absurd and ridiculous! You don't have to go that far and sacrifice yourself like this!"
"If it's not me, who will?"
"You can just get another private or guard to do it."
"Lord Lu Meng, … please look at our surroundings."
Lu Meng peeks outside the window. There he sees every guard, maid and servant are keeping their distance at least 10 meters away from the tiny room where they stay, not even a single dog or cat or bird is willing to trespass.
Lu Xun sighed. He took the tablet in his hand and about to eat it.
"NOO!" "DON'T!"
Lu Xun paused.
Gan Ning scratched his head. "What's that tablet made of anyway?""
"……." Lu Xun gave him an eerie silence. "Something you really wouldn't want to hear…"
Gan Ning's face turns blue and green. Without giving second thoughts, he yelled. "I'll drink it!"
"No, you're important for the front line. I shall take it!" said Lu Meng
"I'll DRINK IT!"
'GIMME that TABLET!"
"Both of you are IMPORTANT! I'm the one who create this tablet. I'll be the one to test it!"
Alas, the three of them were fighting among themselves for a noble reason to be the guinea pig to save their warlord.
"Come here, you pretty boy!"
"You unmannered, disrespectful barbaric-"
"Old fashioned, shaggy old man"
Thick mists were covering their fights that no body can tell anymore who's hitting who. That small tiny secret room is now ruined down exposing everything to all the guards, maid and servants who happily take their seat and watch the fighting while eating popcorn.
"Come back here, you coward!"
"Oh YEAH?"
"YEAH! You moron-"
"Hey! Wh-"
"Sissy!"
"Who got-"
"Wussy!"
"Hear-"
'SHUT UP!"
"WHO GOT THE GODDAMN TABLET?"
The fights stopped all of sudden, leading their audience into disappointment.
"Not me" Answered Lu Xun
"I don't have it." Said Lu Meng.
"Nu-uh.." Gan Ning followed.
"Think about it again, last time I heard Gan Ning said that he has it in his pants." Lu Xun points out
"it's NOT in my pants! You can flip it upside down if you want! The tablet is in Lu Meng's armpit!"
"Nonsense! How could it possibly gets there?"
Lu Xun lifts Lu Meng's arms up. " True, I can see nothing but hairs."
"It must be in your hat." Lu Meng took off Lu Xun's hat
Nothing comes out.
"All right.." Gan Ning brings up the conclusion. "Now what? We lose the tablet..?"
The three of them turn silent. They sat on the ground and start regretting.
"We shouldn't have fought! Goddammit…"
"It's quite a pain to make that tablet.."
"What are we gonna do now..?"
Slowly Lu Meng looked up. "Hey, something is falling down.."
"What? A star?"
"I don't see anything." Answered Lu Xun "Where is it?"
"Right there.. Up there.."
Soon, Lu Xun's face turns bright. "It's THE TABL-ffbhfk!"
"The tablet! Where?" Gan Ning gets up right away.
"Ughfkghlfk…." Lu Xun's face turns purple. They soon understand that the tablet had fall down to Lu Xun's opened mouth accidentally.
"Lu Xun! Are you okay? "
"Water! Bring water!" Gan Ning panicked
"Don't eat it! You'll be okay! Spit it out!" Lu Meng is hitting Lu Xun's back, with hope that he would be able to spill the tablet from his mouth.
-GULP-
TOO LATE!
"Lord Lu Meng … Lord Gan Ning .. " Lu Xun face is blushing in red
"Be strong! You can take it! (And why are you addressing us in such an honorific way btw?)" Said Lu Meng who is the closest one to Lu Xun that time
"I feel so hot.. all of sudden. Unbearably hot, as if I'm about to explode"
"Hot? You mean the weather is hot?" Lu Meng starts fanning Lu Xun
"It's so hot I can't take it.. HEEEEELPH…!"
Lu Meng fanned Lu Xun more intensely.
"Aaaaa……. The stars look like flying pancakes, the moon shaped like a mushroom… he he …. I can see Dodo on the tree…"
"L-Lu.. Xun? Are you okay? (Who the heck is Dodo?)"
"NOOOO! HE's gonna die! Grandfather … Mother.. RUUUN!" Lu Xun cried hysterically.
"Lu Xun! Don't die! I'll be right back!" Lu Mend rested him on the ground. "Somebody bring me Ice cube! Ice cream! Ice coffin or whatever it is!"
"The water is here!" Gan Ning ran with a cup.
"The water is of no use! He said he feels so hot like mash potatoes! He even starts hallucinating! Get some ice!"
"I'll go check the kitchen!"
"I'll check the storage!"
"What? What happened?" Asked Ling Tong who by that time just strolling around for wind.
"You go check the refrigerator!" Ordered Gan Ning right away
"Okay." Ling Tong heads to the kitchen.
"………. But what for?" Ling Tong stopped. Everybody is busy running around panicking. "Hello..? People?"
"I got 120 kg Ice cube! Lu Xun! Don't die!" Gan Ning arrived by bringing a huge ice boulder on top of his head. Where did he get that? Don't ask.
Lu Meng, Gan Ning, and Ling Tong, who still don't know exactly what the hell's happening - but come along anyway, arrived at the place where they left Lu Xun laying down like mash potatoes. However to their surprise, the only things that they could find are his clothes, hat and swords. The pretty boy is nowhere to be found.
Where art thou, Lu Xun?
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Note from the creator:
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This is just the beginning ……………