Disclaimer: I do not own YST or anything related to it.
Fall from Grace
Ryo Sanada grabbed his book bag from off the floor and darted out of the classroom door, ahead of fully half the other students and grateful it wasn't his turn to help clean the room today. Weaving his way towards the main double doors of Han'a High, he stopped momentarily near the entrance at the genkan [1] to take off his school slippers and replace them with his regular shoes. He was in a hurry today with a soccer practice and would have little enough time to visit with his friends as it was.
Speaking of which, thought Ryo when he glimpsed his four friends through the door where they were already seated around the base of a blooming cherry tree.
Touma was sitting at the base of the tree with an open book across his lap, his nose firmly buried in it. This was no surprise; the blue-haired teen was always reading up on this or that, radioisotopes or petrochemicals. Today it looked to be something on electroplating.
Shuu and Seiji were standing nearby, arguing about something indecipherable though Ryo guessed it revolved either around food or girls since all their arguments seemed to gravitate in that direction. The blonde flashed a smirk in Shuu's direction, obviously making a point, and the heavyset boy opposite him looked as though he was about to tackle Seiji. This looked like it would need intervention soon or something unmentionable would happen.
Shin sat partly away from the rest of the group. For his part, the auburn-haired boy looked deep in thought but before Ryo could make any more observations he was spotted by Shuu who was jubilantly waving him over with a yell that made Shin jump.
Ryo accepted the invitation, zigzagging expertly through the maze of students that separated him from his friends. Touma looked up at his approach, taking his attention away from the book only long enough to greet him.
"Seiji, I'm telling you, she was looking at me during class." Shuu said, leaping back into his argument with Seiji.
"No way, Shuu, the only reason a girl would be looking at you would be to tell you to stop giving them kissy faces. Kitsuka would be the last person on earth to stare at you all day."
"Just what are you implying?!" Shuu looked as though he was only moments away from wiping the grin off Seiji's face with his fist.
"I think that should be pretty obvious to someone even as thick-headed as you, Shuu."
"Seiji-"
"That's enough." Ryo declared, stepping in between them to forestall any other comments or provocations.
Seiji dropped the subject, returning to his former seat next to Touma under the tree and Shuu just turned away with a dissatisfied 'humph.' Ryo sighed and dragged his fingers through his raven-black hair, dislodging a few small cherry blossom petals. The entire group had a tendency to bicker at times, but it usually never escalated into a full-blown argument, not like this one was escalating to. That had been a strange issue lately, at times it seemed they didn't get along as well as they used to.
Ryo thought there was something else odd, Shin was usually the mediator in their little group and yet he hadn't said a word the entire time. He would've liked to ask the other boy what was on his mind but a quick glance at his watch warned him he was already late for his practice.
With a troubled mind, Ryo bid farewell to his friends and jogged off towards the dirt playing field [2], his good-bye eliciting no response from Shin.
***
Seiji walked, reflecting over the day's events as darkened houses slipped by and streetlights shone overhead.
Ryo had called him shortly after his soccer practice, wondering if he had found anything peculiar about Shin's behavior today. He had, and Ryo had picked up on most of the things he noted, but Seiji had seen something more.
One thing that bothered him was that Shin was biting his fingernails. He'd never done that before and Seiji knew him well enough to know he wasn't prone to such nervous habits.
He'd also noticed that Shin had been awfully quiet and reserved, even when there was no arguing. Though he was shy by nature, around his friends Shin was usually joking or engaging in mock wrestling matches with Shuu.
Seiji wanted to ask what was troubling him but at the same time he wanted to respect Shin's privacy. And what if the fear proved to be as irrational as he thought it was? He didn't know quite how to ask without sounding like he was nosing into someone else's business. This was a frustrating issue and one he'd encountered more than once.
All the same, it was too late to think about calling Shin anytime tonight, his parents had been opposed to even letting him out of the house for a walk because 'he had school tomorrow.'
It never failed to irritate him, that his parents didn't trust him enough to be back at a decent time of night. He wondered if it was different for anybody else.
Of course it's different, Seiji thought. He knew he probably should've been grateful for the concern, Touma barely had a family except for his father and Shin was practically in the same boat.
Maybe Shin's behavior was stemming from the fact that he lived alone?
Seiji turned around and began walking home; he still had to pack for tomorrow. They were all going to Nasuti's place for one of their weekend visits so this was the only chance he would have to pack up anything he might need since they would go straight over after school tomorrow. Perhaps then he could talk to Shin…
***
"Minna-san, tatte kudasai. Ohayou Gozaimasu."
"Sensei, Ohayou Gozaimasu." [3]
Touma greeted the instructor obediently, following the other students as they all gave a uniform bow to begin lessons. Glancing at the empty seat next to him as he sat down, Touma wondered idly at Shin's absence. He wouldn't have been particularly surprised if he were ill; the auburn-haired boy had been acting strange of late. Shin lived alone so Touma made a point to stop by his apartment on the way to Nasuti's.
There was a noisy shuffling of papers as the class retrieved homework and books from yesterday's work. As he rifled through his own bag, Touma was startled by a dull thump to his right and looked up.
Shin dropped his bag absently to the floor before taking his seat under the scrutinizing eye of the teacher.
Touma was at a loss for words, he was never late. Shin was always one to be on time, more so than anyone else he knew. He'd have to stay behind at the end of the day to explain to the instructor the reason for his tardiness and receive punishment.
"Shin," Touma hissed. The teen in question looked over but was distracted again when the teacher called on him to recite yesterday's lesson in its entirety.
Standing, Shin was able to avoid Touma's question as well as those the remainder of the day. Even between lessons, as the students cleaned and waited for their next instructor, he was oblivious to the blue-haired teen's prodding. By the end of the day, Touma had relented, for now. He refused to be defeated by Shin's silence and decided to talk with the other guys first before trying to make another attempt.
The bell rang; signaling the end of classes, as the teacher casually reminded the back row of their obligation to clean the room and dismissed the rest of the students.
Touma packed his bag slowly, he was traditionally the last one out of the classroom, though he somehow managed to beat Ryo to the Troopers' usual meeting place everyday.
"Meet you outside." He quietly reminded Shin who did not answer, Touma hadn't expected him to. He exited quickly just as Shin was approaching the instructor's desk.
After a brief stop at the genkan, Touma stepped out into the fresh spring air, moving automatically towards one of the blooming sakura trees at the edge of the courtyard. He'd beaten Ryo again as Shuu and Seiji were the only ones occupying the spot. Touma felt a little pang of sympathy for Seiji, having to put up with the bone-headed Shuu all day long, but better him than Touma.
Another surprise: they weren't arguing on his approach.
"Where's Shin?" Came the first question.
"He was late this morning, Shuu, he's in talking with sensei right now."
"Late?" Seiji asked, a little unbelieving.
"Right. I don't know why, though."
"Did I miss anything?" Ryo appeared then, blithely unaware of the conversation.
While Seiji and Shuu explained, Touma reasoned that, punishment notwithstanding, Shin should have caught up with them by now.
Excusing himself, he hurried back to the classroom, momentarily grateful to not be caught with regular shoes on in the school, and was intercepted by Aya, a student in the back row of his class. She had Shin's things.
"Touma, what's going on? Shin ran off after class without his books, is he okay?"
"I'll tell you as soon as I understand what's going on myself, I promise." He said hurriedly. "Which way did Shin go?"
Aya pointed out a nearby window toward the woods beyond.
With a brief thank you, Touma snatched up Shin's bag and ran outside to find the others.
***
Pain.
He'd left. He knew he shouldn't have, but so much was bearing down on him now that he couldn't control it anymore.
Shin ran through a forest absent of birdsong, as though if by running he could outrun the fear and pain that threatened to take him over. But he hadn't counted on his own weakness or the rutted dirt trail before him and stumbled.
Breath coming in strangled gasps; he lay where he had fallen for long moments as the consequences of what was happening began to sink in.
His mother was dying, almost too weak to be eligible for the heart transplant that could save her life. Shin was torn over this because in order to get that, another innocent would have to die, and the transplant wasn't even a completely sure thing, his mother's pottery didn't bring in enough income to pay for something of this scale. Sayoko had called yesterday from a hospital in Yamaguchi with the doctor's final offer: they could wait and maybe an organ would become available, but after so much time, if nothing came up, his mother would be too weak to survive the operation. Or (they phrased this with care) they could let her go now, there would be no pain they promised. And Sayoko had left the decision solely on his shoulders.
Why?
Was letting his mother suffer worth so little hope?
Shin summoned enough energy to rise into a kneeling position, hugging himself tightly as tears began to flow relentlessly down his cheeks, dropping unheeded onto the dead leaves beneath him. He wanted to scream, but he could force little more than a strained whimper past his painfully knotted throat.
His world came to a sudden, shuddering stop all around him. He felt as though he'd never again wake up to a bright, sunlit day to listen to the birds without feeling this same pain all over again. It made him want to tear himself apart in hopes that all the turmoil would abate with the blood he could shed.
His head ached fiercely, fraying and darkening the edges of his vision so he closed his eyes tightly, shuddering suddenly as a chill overtook him. The emotional storm within him continued to escalate and he wanted something, anything, to distract him from its pain.
Why?
Shin clenched his hands some more, struggling desperately to keep is quaking body still, but it refused to obey. His fingernails bit deeply into his shoulders, drawing blood, but even that pain could not divert him from that within his mind and heart. Desperate and half-mad with anguish, he dragged his fingernails down his arms, blood gushing where he exposed flesh, but it still wasn't enough, nothing was ever enough, he wasn't enough.
Above the roaring in his head Shin could not hear the consistent cracks of thunder or see the bright-flashing tines of lightning that heralded a coming storm. He hardly noticed the rain that fell from the charcoal black clouds in the sky, even though they mingled with the tears on his face and the blood streaming down his arms. He was soaked within moments of their arrival.
Dimly, barely heard above the fevered beating of his heart and the rage of the storm, was the sound of footsteps. Strong arms pulled Shin's hands away from his lacerated shoulders and arms, trying to force him out of his self-destructive fit, and though he tried to tear himself from the stranger's grasp he never struck out against them. They didn't matter, he didn't matter, only one thing mattered now.
Why.
Fear and pain overcame him, like water closing over his head, dragging him down into its welcoming depths and he went willingly, melting into the darkness seeking relief.
***
He'd been horrified, to say the least, when Ryo appeared outside Nasty's home carrying an unconscious Shin whose fingers were coated to the knuckles with blood. He'd been waiting out on the porch with Seiji and Nasuti, none of them expecting this in the least. Seiji promptly moved to help Ryo with the door as Touma, who'd returned with him, stopped on the porch stairs, trying to calm a near-hysterical Nasty, and Shuu pursued Ryo upstairs to the room he shared with Shin.
Shin was asleep now; his shoulders, the source of the bleeding, bound tightly by Seiji. Shuu stood solemnly by the window, watching the rain, while contemplating the actions of his best friend. Ryo had explained that Shin's wounds had been self-inflicted though Shuu had a hard time swallowing that. Why would Shin ever do something like that to himself?
Ryo and Touma had taken the time to change into a dry set of clothes and were now downstairs with the others doing what, Shuu didn't know or care. His thoughts were turned inward now. Confused and a little dazed, he waited patiently for Shin to wake, hoping he'd be willing to explain what he thought he was doing then.
The quiet sound of a door opening heralded Nasty's arrival.
"Shuu?" She asked, poking her head into the room. "You okay?"
"Yeah," he answered, "just worried."
She smiled wanly. "We all are. Do you want to come down? I made some hot chocolate." [4]
Shuu shook his head. "No, I just want to think."
"Okay," she replied. "Just know the offer's still there."
Nasuti left and Shuu turned back toward the window. He listened absently as the bitter rain pounded the windows with a sound that would rival hail. The weather seemed oddly appropriate for the current situation…
A slight sound caught his attention and Shuu turned towards the bed behind him. Shin stirred, looking around the dimly lit room with a measure of bafflement apparent on his face. He spotted Shuu and sat up, wincing a little from the protest of his wounds.
Silence reigned in the room.
"Why?"
Shin glanced away, collecting his thoughts before leaping into his story. He'd have told the others sooner, but he hadn't thought it would become such a great issue and he hadn't wanted the guys to try and advise him on what was best because this was a decision he knew he'd have to make alone, and he told Shuu so.
By the end of his story he was in tears, tenuously holding onto coherency. As it was, his face was buried in his hands as he wept.
"Shuu, no matter what I choose, someone is going to die!"
Shuu had to sympathize, Shin had already lost his father and, although it had been up to them to save lives before, none were ever so close as this. He had two choices, either let his mother suffer with little or no hope for a transplant or let her go and bring all the suffering down on himself. Shuu knew his friend well enough to know he'd take it hard if the latter option prevailed, and he was at a loss for how to help him, his large family had never encountered problems like this.
But in the end, the decision was ultimately Shin's, and all he or the others could do was help him through whatever happened any way they could.
Before Shin even realized that Shuu had moved he felt the bed sag a bit more and an arm carefully encircled his shoulders.
Shuu didn't know what to do, Shin was the one who was normally comforting everyone else at times like these. So he just waited in a companionable silence until Shin's sobs ebbed.
"When did Sayoko want you to call her?" He asked as soon as he thought Shin could answer.
"Tonight."
Shuu sighed, dreading the inevitable, but not as much as Shin was. "I'll go get you the phone."
He left the auburn-haired boy staring blankly at the bed covers and hurried downstairs for Nasuti's cordless phone, giving the occupants of the kitchen an 'I'll explain later' look. Upon his return, he offered the phone to Shin who looked at it sadly for a moment before accepting it with trepidation.
Shin waited until Shuu courteously left the room before turning on the phone. He knew he would have to do this now or else he'd lose his nerve and he didn't want to contemplate the consequences of that, so he slowly dialed Sayoko's number.
Shuu returned downstairs to relay what he'd been told by Shin and by the end of his explanation everyone gathered around the table wore an expression of grim understanding behind their mugs.
"Do you think he's called?" Seiji wondered idly.
Shuu shrugged and silence reasserted itself. The room was like this for many minutes until the stillness was broken when someone pushed their chair back noisily.
Nasuti stood and walked pensively towards the stairs, heedless of the guys following behind her. No sounds came from Shin's door, no talking, suggesting he had already completed the call. Or never made it, Shuu's mind nagged but he pushed that thought away and watched as Nasty opened the door to his room carefully.
"Shin?" Nasuti addressed him softly, so quietly that Shin thought for a moment he hadn't heard her at all. But she was standing in the doorway and he didn't bother looking up. He had wanted to be alone but somewhere in the back of his mind he'd known she and the guys would've never let him face this alone.
Nasty moved over to the side of the bed, the teens behind her following suit, and was going to ask Shin about his final decision when he finally graced her with a glance. She knew then without asking what had happened, the look on his face said it all, his sea blue eyes alone spoke volumes as tears threatened to resurface. Wordlessly, she seated herself on the edge of the bed and tenderly took Shin in her arms, allowing him to bury his head in her shoulder as he sobbed silently to himself.
She wouldn't have wished something like this on anybody, least of all the kind-hearted Shin who hated to see anyone suffer and would've given his life for his mother's without a second thought. But regardless of what he wanted, life would go heedlessly on. The sun would still rise and the birds would still sing but nothing would ever be the same again. This was just another one of life's painful lessons, just another reminder that there was just no easy way to say goodbye.
Owari.
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[1] A genkan is basically an entranceway where Japanese people will leave their shoes when they enter a building; they may or may not have an extra pair of slippers to wear inside.
[2] In Japan, most of the fields there are dirt instead of grass.
[3] "Everyone, stand please. Good morning."
"Teacher, good morning."
[4] I really don't know if they have hot chocolate in Japan, it just seemed so appropriate.