Andy and Sam can grow and change together, without being thrown into triangles and other love interests like the mess that was S4. This story explores that. Marlo and Nick don't exist in this fic, as it should be. ;) It starts at the end of 3x13 and will eventually on some things we saw in S4. This first chapter sets up a lot about what each of them is feeling – I promise there will be more action coming up.
Enjoy! And let me know what you think with a review. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue.
Change or Die, Together - Chapter 1
Andy watched Sam walk away from her, as her mind tried to process everything he said. He wanted to cook her dinner and take out her trash. He wanted a dog named Boo Radley with her. He wanted a future with her. She turned around and headed to the detective's office; she needed to talk to Traci. Not finding her anywhere, Andy decided to walk home, wanting the the time alone to clear her head.
She didn't know what to make of Sam. They struggled to find their normal when she got back from suspension. She knew they were both holding back, both having trouble figuring out how they journeyed through this relationship together. But they were moving forward until he dropped the bomb of breaking up with her.
Then, he was pushing her away, refusing to talk to her and work through their problems. Then, six weeks later he was telling her he loved her while she was holding a grenade. Only to laugh it off when they got back to the station. Sam Swarek did not make any sense to her. She wondered if he ever would.
How could she ever trust him to not walk away again when things got tough? He broke her heart once and she didn't know if she could go through that again. Didn't know how she'd survive if he walked away again. She loved him so much - she never stopped - but that only meant he could cause more damage to her heart than anyone else.
She opened the door to her condo and thought about how he'd asked her to meet him for a drink. She couldn't right now. She was too confused. She needed some time alone to think. Time and space, two things she normally hated, were all she wanted right now.
She laid down on the couch and pulled out her phone. She stared at is as she tried to figure out what to text Sam to let him know she wasn't coming. Nothing seemed right or appropriate, so she kept staring at a blank screen. That is, until the long exhausting day got the best of her and she fell asleep.
At The Penny, Sam sat at the bar staring down at the two shots he ordered. He wasn't really sure why he ordered the shots of vodka versus their normal beers, but figured it had to do with him needing some liquid courage to help get the words out to express what he wanted to say to Andy.
He glanced at his watch. An hour had passed since he first sat down. He thought about calling her, but pushed away the idea. He'd given her an invitation. She could take it or not.
When the door of the bar opened again, Sam looked up to see Gail Peck walk in. Slouching further into the bar, his optimism was dissipating.
Gail didn't see any of her friends, so she sat down on the stool next to Sam. "What, are you drinking alone?"
Sam glanced around the bar. "Uh, looks that way."
"You seen Chris or Dov?" she asked looking around bar for her friends.
"Uh, no," he replied, following her gaze around the room.
"Guess I'm drinking alone tonight," she mused.
Sam picked up one of shot glasses and let the liquid burn his throat in one swallow. He slid the second glass toward Gail. "Night, Peck." He gave her a nod and walked out to his truck.
He sat in the parking lot for a bit, staring aimlessly at his steering wheel as he remembered Andy sitting is this seat telling him she loved him. He thought about how he stupidly hadn't been able to get the same words out until she was holding a bomb. He really did wish she was in his head, so she would've known for sure that he'd loved her long before he'd said the words. He didn't know if things would be different now if he'd said it back then, but nonetheless he wished it was easier for those words to leave his lips.
The next morning, Andy headed to her mandatory appointment with the department therapist. Frank had set it up before she'd even changed out of her uniform, telling her it was required after a near death experience like holding bomb.
She was lying on the couch rambling on about anything and everything except the reason she was sent to the therapist in the first place, when the therapist stopped her. "I need to stop you for a moment," she said.
Andy shifted her eyes over to the woman sitting in the large chair at the other end of the couch. "I thought that was the point of this, for me to talk."
"I want you to talk with me, not at me. Trust me enough to let me guide you through this," the woman said. When Andy simply nodded, she continued. "Do you have difficulty with other people guiding you?"
Andy shrugged, not really having thought about it before. "I mean, I guess I've always been the one to lead. I'm an only child."
"When we start doing everything for ourselves, it becomes more difficult for us to, over time, ask for help," the therapist told her. "Tell me about what you're feeling when you're not the one leading."
She thought about the first time after her mom left that she let someone get close enough to be the one to lead. "Well, I guess I start to feel a bit anxious. I get knots in my stomach. I start to get extremely hot. I immediately start to think about the worst case scenario so that no matter what happens I'm going to be prepared," Andy said, looking up at the ceiling.
She suddenly realized she had felt all those things at one time or another during her relationship with Sam. She hadn't wanted to push him because she was afraid he'd run if she did. Without realizing it, she'd felt safe enough with him to let him lead. But look where that got her. "I guess I always lead because I feel more comfortable that way. And the first time in a long time I let somebody lead. And I got left...again. So, where does that leave me now?" Andy asked, looking over at the therapist.
"Well, why don't we try to figure that out," she said. "Have there been times when you have been leading and still got hurt?"
Andy thought about all the times she'd tried to get her dad help from his drinking, and how it backfired or just didn't work. She thought about her relationship with Luke and how, despite being in control, he still found a way to hurt her. She finally nodded in response to the therapist's question, as she closed her eyes. "Yes, I get hurt no matter what I do."
"So, maybe simply letting someone else lead isn't a shoo-in for getting hurt." The statement was more of a question that left Andy pondering silently. "Maybe it just hurts more because you care enough to get comfortable with the person you let lead."
"It's hard to feel like someone else controls my happiness," she admitted.
"Only you can control your happiness."
Andy shook her head, thinking of Sam. "Not when they have control of your heart," she whispered.
It was another 10 minutes before the therapist was able to circle back around to Andy holding the bomb. And when she did, Andy started talking about Sam and why he chose that moment to talk to her again, as she was holding a grenade.
"You're telling me a lot about Sam, but I want to hear about you, what you were feeling in that moment," the therapist said.
"I was scared holding the bomb," Andy admitted, looking over at the woman, who sat there taking notes. "I mean, getting into a life or death situation like that is part of the job, but..."
"That wasn't what scared you most?"
She shook her head. "He scares me. What he said scared me."
It was becoming more and more clear to the therapist that the young officer was dealing very well with holding a grenade, but there were other things she needed more help working through. "Tell me more about that."
"I love him. I mean, of course I want to be with him," Andy said. "But then I have to keep reminding myself that if we were really meant to be together then we would've worked out our problems, right? I mean why do I want to be with somebody who's so unstable anyway?"
"Have you ever felt unstable?"
"Yeah, of course, I mean when my mom left, and when a guy I was dating cheated on me. Lots of - " She stopped rattling off the times she felt less than stable when it all clicked in her mind. Everyone had moments of instability. Everyone had moments where their world was turned upside down.
"Lots of?" the therapist prompted.
"We all go through lots of moments of instability in our life, don't we?" Andy asked, as she sat up.
"It's true. Events in our lives can often be a trigger."
Andy thought about Sam, how he'd lost his best friend and how big of a trigger that would be.
"Do you believe that everyone has a person? That one person who knows you better than anyone else? That one person who you'll never be able to get out of your system?" she asked, looking over at the therapist.
"What do you think?" the therapist replied, with her own question.
"I think that your person is worth fighting for."
The therapist could see Andy making progress in working through what she was having trouble with and her lips curved into a tiny smile. "Sometimes it takes time to work through problems. Time can be your friend."
She gave the therapist a lopsided grin. If only she knew how much Andy hated time and space. But willingly or unwillingly, Andy had been forced to give that to Sam. She'd tried to tell herself for weeks that moving on was what was best, but talking with the therapist made Andy realize that's not what she wanted. For Sam, she was willing to risk her heart by trying to make it work again. Because in the end, if they could work things out, she knew he'd make her heart full. She had always trusted him with her life and now it was time to trust him again with her heart.
She just hoped it wasn't too late.
While Andy was with the therapist, Sam was being called to Frank's office after Parade.
"Have a seat, Sam," Frank said, when his friend entered his office.
He obeyed, taking a seat across from his boss. "What's this about?"
"You know the detectives have been short-staffed, right? And that, as a rookie, detective Nash is working more cases than she should?"
Sam nodded, unsure where this conversation was going. "Sure. I expected Callaghan to stick around, maybe take up the slack."
"No, he's got his taskforce and a number of other investigations to keep him occupied. I want you to fill the position, Sam...Jerry's position," Frank said.
Sam swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. "I've never...I don't know, Frank. I mean - "
"You're practically a detective now with the way you work cases. It won't be a big change. You'll just be exchanging the uniform for - "
"Don't even say a suit. That's not me."
Frank leaned across his desk, a serious look on his face. "Look, Sam. I need another detective and I'd like to keep it in the 15 family. You've got the skills. And you've said yourself that being stuck in a uniform isn't you. Here's your chance," he said persuasively.
Sam absentmindedly tugged on his vest. Everything Frank said rang true. He always knew being a patrol officer wasn't his life. He thrived on the complicated cases, rather than just running speed traps. He loved being in charge, the thrill of deep investigations. Undercover work had always broken up the monotony of patrolling, but he couldn't do that forever, and more importantly, he wasn't sure he wanted to. Becoming a detective might be the compromise between patrolling and undercover that he needed.
"When would I start?" Sam asked, not fully accepting the offer yet.
"Immediately. You'd still need to take the exam when it comes up again in a few months, but I need you now. The brass won't make the title official, or give you the pay increase, until the exam, but it'll just be a formality," he said.
"Wow, I mean..." Things seemed to be changing rapidly for Sam lately and he didn't know what to make of it. "It's, uh, it's a big change."
"Sammy, look, I know a lot has happened in the last few months. I don't want you to make this decision lightly, but I gotta tell you there's no one better for the job," Frank said, understanding all the changes going on in his friend's life could be scary. "I'll make you a deal. If you hate it, absolutely can't stand it, we'll move you back to where you are now, no questions asked."
Sam thought about everything his friend was saying. There had been some big changes in his life - Jerry dying, breaking up with Andy, then realizing he couldn't live without her and professing his love to a woman for the first time in his life - but maybe those changes were pushing him towards evolving and bettering himself. Maybe he needed to make some changes before everything could feel right again.
He looked out of Frank's office across the bullpen to the detectives' office where Traci sat across from Jerry's empty desk. He could hear Jerry telling him to take this chance, to not let it slip through his fingers. And Sam couldn't help but wonder if this seemingly simple move from officer to detective might help him become the person he needed to be, the person he wanted to be, to win Andy back.
He turned back to Frank. "I'll do it. I'll take the job."
Frank smiled at his friend. "I'll start the paperwork to make it official. Why don't you see what Nash needs help with."
As Sam left Frank's office and made his way through the station, he couldn't help but wonder what Andy would think of his decision.