A/N: A totally out-of-character FFVII crack fic I came up with at midnight. Damn plot bunnies.

Disclaimer: In this universe, I regret to inform you that I do not own these wonderful characters, nor have I ever had the pleasure of meeting them. However, in a parallel universe created in my mind, I'm Cloud's stalker/next door neighbor.

Tifa's Problem

The sun rose on another typical day in the city of Edge. Tifa's eyes opened at the warm of the sun peering through her bedroom window. She yawned lazily and stepped out of bed, preparing for the day ahead.

Tifa happily hummed to herself while setting breakfast on the table. She checked the clock behind her. It was only seven. She frowned slightly. She sat down at the table with her coffee cup in hand. Sighing, she looked around the empty table. Tifa was a social creature; she desired conversation and company. Marlene and Denzel had gone to spend the weekend at Barrett's, since he missed his daughter so much and Marlene didn't go anywhere without Denzel. They reminded her of herself and Cloud. The best of friends, though her and Cloud's relationship was growing more intimate than when they were kids. No they weren't married, but his arm around her waist out in public and him allowing her to sleep on his shoulder was definitely a hint that he cared. That and the sex. That was a big clue. She checked the clock again. Seven fifteen. She groaned, laying her head on the table. She made breakfast way too early too. While wallowing in her self pity, she failed to notice the chocobo haired blonde groggily come down the stairs. He walked to the table without a word, greeting a suffering Tifa with only a nod she failed to notice. He poured himself some coffee and stirred in some cream before slowly walking to the table. He pulled out the chair quietly and sat at the table across from her, coffee in hand. Taking a small sip, he closed his eyes. "Morning Tifa." he mumbled. Her head shot up and a large grin spread across her face. Cloud looked at her, confused and scared. He considered jumping out the window located only a few feet from him. She continued staring at him with that overly happy look. Cloud was freaking out now. He gulped.

"CLOUD!!" Tifa screamed at the top of her lungs, knocking Cloud out of his seat. She moved her chair uncomfortably close to Cloud, who had just managed to recover and return to his seat. She set her elbow on the table and rest her head on it, looking eagerly at him. Cloud was beginning to prepare himself an escape route. 1. Put her to sleep with long boring talks of his passion for palm trees. 2. Lock her in bedroom… with him. 3. Get out of bedroom before she wakes up. 4. Go back in bedroom with her 5.Run for life. Yes it was perfect. "So Cloud what's up with you? Have any interesting dreams last night? Anything you want to talk about? Can I fix you some breakfast? I'll do that, do you want toast with your eggs? There's pancakes on the table too for when the kids come back, but you can have some too. In fact you will have some and- Cloud what are you doing?" She looked back at him from the counter where she had begun preparing his eggs. He was holding his broadsword in defense.

"Tifa, take a deep breath and sit down."

"Why Cloud that's-"

"TIFA!" She obediently sat down, fearing the now maniacal looking Cloud.

"Tifa," he began slowly, "I think you may have a problem. Don't speak till I'm done!" He commented, silencing her attempts to interject. "Now, I know business is slow at the bar and the kids are gone, and I'm home late every night, but baby, you're scaring me." He sounded sincerely concerned. She looked up at him with big, apologetic eyes and suddenly burst into tears. He looked at her confused.

"Oh Cloud! You're right, I have a problem. I'm sooooo lonely!!" She ran to him, sobbing into his white shirt, despite his best attempts at prying her off her. Eventually, the sympathy kicked in and lowering his sword, he held her close and kissed her head.

"It's alright Tifa. We'll get you a kitty."

"A kitty?" Tifa pulled away from Cloud's jacket. He nodded cautiously, anticipating her reaction. "YAY!! A KITTY!! I LOVE KITTIES!!" She wrapped her arms around Cloud, who was now even more confused. Was Tifa bipolar? Suddenly she stopped hugging Cloud, slightly to his dismay. She walked backwards into her seat. "A kitty…" she trailed off. Cloud gave her a puzzled look until he noticed her eyes beginning to well with tears. Yeah, she's definitely bipolar. "A KITTY!!" she wailed. Cloud held up his sword again. He's ears were numb, which explained why he didn't notice Barrett and Yuffie, not able to resist a visit to her friends Cloud and Tifa, enter with the kids, who were staring with looks of shock, horror, and confusion.

"Cloud," Barrett started, "What the hell? What did you do her?" Marlene rushed to Tifa's side, while Dezel glared at Cloud.

"My poor Tifa!! " exclaimed Yuffie joining Marlene in comforting the sobbing woman

"I'M JUST SO HAPPY!! YET I'M TERRIBLY, HORRIBLY SAD!!" she yelled, still crying. Barrett looked over at Cloud for an explaination. Cloud stuttered.

"I-It's not what you think! S-she was a-attacking me! And I g-grabbed my s-sword.. p-problem… kitt-t-ty.. and… " he noticed Barrett's angrily look. Tifa was always like family to him, and he was very protective of family. "SHE NEEDS MEDICATION!!" Cloud pointed to a weeping Tifa accusingly.

"I'M NOT CRAZY CLOUD!! WHO COULD BLAME ME FOR BEING LONELY!? IT'S NOT LIKE YOU AND I SPEND ENOUGH TIME TOGETHER!! EVEN AFTER WE MAKE LOVE YOU LEAVE AFTER I FALL ASLEEP!! I KNOW WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP OUR LOVE A SECRET, BUT I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE!! WHY MUST WE HIDE!!" she took a breath. "AND THERE COULD BE A LOT MORE CUDDLING!!"

The room went quiet. Cloud's mouth would forever be open. Marlene looked confused. Yuffie used all of her strength not to break out laughing. Denzel, who was a little older than Marlene, also understood what Tifa had just said, stifled a snicker. And Barrett finally understood what those loud noises were that Marlene was describing. ("It's sounds like their killing each other Daddy.") Tifa, still sobbing angrily, walked up the stairs and slammed the door to her room. An awkward silence fell upon the room. All eyes turned to Cloud, expecting an response of some sort. "She's fricking PMS'ing. There's no other way to explain it." Cloud said, still not moving do to his extreme shock. A door upstairs was heard opening.

"YOU DUMBASS I'M NOT ON MY PERIOD! YOU'D KNOW IF WE'D HAVE SEX MORE OFTEN!! AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M REALLY LATE THIS MONTH. CLOUD, I THINK I'M PREGNANT!!" she slammed the door closed. A silence even more awkward than the one before it came. All eyes, again, rested on Cloud. Feeling the four other people in the room staring at him, Cloud, mouth still open, eyes still wide, turned to walk up the stairs. He wouldn't get away that easy.

"Where you going Daddy?" Yuffie teased him.

"What happened buddy, the condom break? I thought I told you nothing rough." Barrett smirked. Denzel was losing the battle against laughter, while Marlene was sitting in Tifa's seat, looking confused. What was sex?

Cloud didn't even turn around. He needed a shower.

A/N: Haha you should see your face. Anyway, I enjoyed writing it. Review make me happy. It let's me know that you stopped by.

And I do like the Cloti pairing, even though this made it seem like Cloud was only using her for sex, and Tifa looked really stupid, but trust me I love them.