Purple slime. In his shoes.
Harry stood on one foot at the sink, washing purple slime off his foot. Whatever the slime consisted of was thankfully non-corrosive to skin, but it had dissolved his socks. Normally that detail would not have annoyed him too badly, but the socks that he had been wearing today had been a gift from Dobby, and since Dobby had been a casualty of the war against Voldemort, they were some of the few keepsakes Harry had to remind himself of his mad elf friend.
Harry had never thought he would live to regret the day that he had backed the twins' joke shop. Unfortunately, he hadn't counted on Ron a) going to work for them over summer, b) deciding to use Harry and the other boys in the dorm as his favourite test subjects.
On the one hand, Harry knew that Ron was just trying to blow off some steam. After all, despite all odds and numerous casualties who had died offscreen, they had somehow managed to claim victory against what the Prophet now often termed The Death Eater Menace. Really, Ron deserved to kick back a bit and relax after all that bullshit.
On the other hand, Harry was sick to death of Ron being a dick. Harry knew that he had picked it up from the twins picking on him when they were all kids, but frankly, Harry didn't care, and moreover, Ron was 19. What was mildly annoying in an ickle firstie was almost embarrassing to watch in someone who had had to come back a year later than usual to finish his final year of schooling.
This one-sided prank war needed to end, and Harry needed to end it decisively. Drying his foot on Ron's towel, Harry padded barefoot back to his bed and sat down to think about it.
What prank could he do that would force Ron to cease and desist indefinitely?
It would have to involve something that Ron couldn't ignore. Something that would be unforgettable. Something that would be talked about for years to come.
Marauder heritage, don't fail me now.
The obvious solution would involve spiders, Harry thought, but really, picking on someone's well-known well-documented phobia was just mean. Harry didn't want to induce bowel-loosening nightmares, he wanted to induce good behaviour. Or at least shocked silence.
What would catch Ron's attention at least as well as spiders?
Well, what else did Ron despise?
Slytherins, thought Harry. And despite the fact that he had switched sides a few months into the war to help the Light, Draco Malfoy in particular. Some things didn't change, and no one had ever accused Ron Weasley of being fair or open-minded.
What could I do with Draco Malfoy that would shock Ron into never pranking me again? Harry wondered.
Suddenly, Harry had a very wicked thought.
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Four days later, Harry left for breakfast with Ron as he normally did.
As often happened, they encountered Draco Malfoy just in front of the doors to the great hall.
"Potter, Weasley," Malfoy inclined his head regally.
"Sod off, Malfoy," said Ron, about to elbow his way past and into the great hall, when he suddenly noticed that Harry was not coming with him.
"I'm sorry about him," Harry said."You don't deserve him saying things like that to you, after everything you went through to..."
"Hush love, it's not your fault," said Malfoy.
Ron's thought processes, previously mostly occupied by impending breakfast, screeched to a halt.
Wait, what?
He turned to see Malfoy reaching up to stroke Harry's face, and Harry smiling softly back at him.
"I know, darling," said Harry, "but when he hurts you it hurts me too."
Malfoy's eyes flashed with some deep hidden emotion. "I'm sorry love, but I just can't stand for us to hide any more."
"Hide what?" said Harry. "We've been ducking into broom-closets together for months. I think that the only person who must not know what happened would be..." he turned, to see Ron's reddening face. "Oh. You didn't know Ron?"
"D-didn't know what?" Ron demanded.
Harry put his arm around Malfoy's neck. "Malfoy and I are lovers. We have been for some time."
"I- I don't believe it." Ron shook his head. "Harry, you're straight as an arrow. We found that out when Colin's love potion didn't work on you..." he paused. "Wait, is this some kind of a prank?"
Malfoy smirked, ignoring the last question. "Oh but you're forgetting something Weasley. What's the other reason why a love potion would have no effect on someone?"
"...if they're already in lo- no! I don't believe it!" Ron insisted.
Malfoy turned to Harry and shrugged. "I told you. He'll never accept our love." He cupped Harry's face in one hand to hide the grin Harry was fighting to suppress.
Harry's shoulders shook, and Malfoy pulled him around so that his face was buried in Malfoy's chest.
"There, there. You know I love you too, sweetheart. I'll protect you from the big, bad Weasley. Who should be ashamed for destroying your favourite pair of socks. I'd offer to buy you a new pair, but I know that those were special to you." Malfoy pulled a small box from his pocket. "Would you accept this instead?"
Harry pulled back, tears rolling down his cheeks from barely-suppressed mirth. Ron saw them and thought they were from sadness.
"H-honeybear. Is that...?"
"Yes my dearest dumpling," Malfoy opened the box and showed a sparkly ring inside. "It's my grandmother's engagement ring. Will you marry me?"
"Yes, Draco! Yes!" Harry exclaimed, before pulling Draco down into an enthusiastic kiss.
Ron fainted.
Harry heard the noise, and immediately stepped back from Draco.
He waved his wand and checked Ron's vitals.
"He's out cold," he grinned. "Apparently that kiss was mindblowing."
"I cannot believe he fell for that," Malfoy said, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. "And apparently indeed, Potter. I don't believe you slipping me tongue was part of the deal."
Harry shrugged. "It added authenticity. Hey, and at least we didn't have to move onto the back-up plan where we pretended that you were having my baby."
Malfoy snorted. "Let's save that one up for never, shall we? Messing with Weasley to pay off some of my debts is something I'm more than happy to do, but one kiss is a hallucination. Male pregnancy rumours are just going to bring back all those rumours that Malfoys mated with Veela again, because Veela genes are only visible in girls."
Harry considered what he knew about the relationship between wizards and logic, and remembered that the Quibbler had a dedicated non-ironic fanbase. In that context, Malfoy had a good point.
Still...
"You're pretty, Malfoy, but you aren't that pretty," Harry smirked.
That startled a laugh out of Malfoy. He put a hand to his heart and pretended to swoon. "Oh my love, your arrow strikes deep into my breast!"
Harry guffawed, and sent a Patronus message to Madame Pomphrey to come and scrape Ron off the floor. He looked like he might have hit his head on the way down, and Harry didn't want another lecture about practising healing without a license.
Harry had a thought then. "This isn't going to get you into trouble with Astoria, is it?"
Malfoy snorted. "During the war when she was hiding at her squib cousin's place in Canada, she learned how to use the internet."
"So?" Harry asked.
"She discovered something called slashfic. The only part that would get me into trouble would be if I refused to show her the pensieve memory."
Harry snickered.
Malfoy raised an eyebrow. "That kiss was pretty enthusiastic for someone who's supposedly 'straight as an arrow'," he said. "Freaking out Weasley turn you on that much?"
Harry's hilarity increased for a few moments. Malfoy patiently waited for him to finish laughing.
"Oh my sides! No, actually, the kiss was purely for bragging rights. And Ron's kinda dead-wrong on the straight thing. Actually, me and Lee Jordan and Luna Lovegood have had a thing going for a while now."
Malfoy blinked.
"Huh. And they won't be bothered by you kissing me for pranking purposes?"
Harry grinned. "Let's just say you're not the only one who'll have to do a pensieve play-back for their significant other."
The two of them shook hands at this point, and swore to never speak of this again.
Well, except to their significant others. Astoria, Lee and Luna would all appreciate the joke.
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"I swear I saw them! I really did!" Ron shouted, waving his arms about his head.
Ginny just shook her head. "Like that time you saw Harry being proposed to by Malfoy and then making out with him? Pull the other one Ron."
She pulled her head out of the fireplace and absently wiped the excess floo powder off her hands.
Hermione wandered into the room in a towel.
"What did he want?" she asked.
"Oh, apparently he caught Harry and Lee and Luna in a position most people would call 'compromising' but Harry would call 'covered with a plausible alibi'."
Hermione giggled. "I never would have guessed Harry could be that sneaky. I mean, I know the Hat said he would have done well in Slytherin, but still..." her eyes glinted. "How long until you think he's going to catch on?"
Ginny smirked. "This is Ron we're talking about."
Hermione's brow creased minutely. "Do you think we should tell him?"
"And risk the twins' ire over prematurely ending their betting pool? Not a chance!" Ginny mock-shivered, then grinned.
"Besides, wouldn't it be much more fun to go visit the Malfoys so we can watch Malfoy's expression when he realises Harry used him to set up an elaborate alibi to cover up his deviant lifestyle?"
Hermione half-heartedly attempted to repress her smile.
"That's what I thought."
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"Arthur, I'm worried about Ron. He seems oddly fixated on Harry being involved in increasingly unlikely homosexual relationships."
"I know what you mean Molly. I guess the war might have left more scars than we thought."
"Perhaps we should reconsider not sending him to that therapist."
"You may have a point, Molly."
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Fred and George sat together on the back step of their shop smoking wizard pipes. The smoke was acid green, and had a tendency towards being shaped like jack-o-lanterns. As soon as the twins thought of a good name for them, they would be ready to feature as their next limited-edition Halloween item.
"You know something George?"
"What, Fred?"
"I used to think that we were good at pranking."
"Well we are good at pranking. We made a living out of it, after all."
"Yes, but we've never managed something that's gone on for this long. I thought the whole thing would blow over in a few months, but it's been years."
"You'd think that someone would clue him in."
"Nah, I think he pissed off too many people when he was working at the shop with pointless pranks."
"And this, Forge, is why we were always very careful in selecting our targets."
"Too right Gred. Too right."
"And not pranking the son of a Marauder was the best plan we never made. Just as well we'd figured out Harry was a scary bastard before we found out he was son of Prongs, otherwise we might have come to regret it."
"Dodged a hex there."
"Indeed."
They paused a little longer to puff at their pipes.
After a while, George spoke up. "You think we should do our brotherly duty and just tell him?"
The two of them shared an evil grin.
"Naaaah."
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The End.
I had an evil thought. I wrote it out. I posted it for your enjoyment. Hope you had half as much fun reading it as I did writing it.