Hey, just to inform you, this is my first fan fiction so please don't be too harsh. I had this sudden idea in my mind to write the story. Please review.

This story sets during the battle between Freedom and Saviour.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed Destiny or any of its characters.

A Moment's Madness

[Athrun's POV]

Pain.

It was all I felt - gut-wrenching pain as sharp as daggers searing through me. I clutched my chest tightly, hoping in vain that the unbearable pain would stop. Please stop. I can't bear this anymore… I continued pleading. But the merciless fire that raged through me ignored my continuous silent pleas. Nothing mattered to me anymore. Not the mindless battle taking place right over my head. Not even the fact that I was completely exposed to any threat from an enemy. None of that mattered. I just wanted the pain to stop.

Within the confines of my mind, the words that were key to my endless ocean of pain reverberated through me, bouncing of the walls of my mind incessantly. I groaned. Go away. You're not welcome here. Get the hell away from me! My silent pleas went on and on. I refused to give myself up to the pain, the words, and the harsh reality that I knew was true but had denied. Now, nothing could separate me from the truth anymore.

The excruciating pain stormed through me again, surmounting any pain I had ever felt before. Bending over, I rocked myself back and forth repeatedly, as if it would numb the ever increasing pain. But no matter how much I pleaded or moved, the pain only intensified over time, congealing itself at my heart. Being the soldier that I was, I had gone through much pain, both physically and emotionally. Yet, why is it that, despite the numerous scars that decorated me physically seemed so much easier to bear than that of the emotional pain?

At this very instant, I knew I was in perfect health. Not a scratch that resulted from my earlier defeat moments ago. Not a scratch. I thought bitterly. I would willingly take any pain right now - any physical pain - to escape the fiery torture that resonated through me again and again. Just take it away…

The words that formed in my mind's eye appeared before me again, refreshing my clouded head and throwing images that I didn't want to see at me mercilessly.

"Kira! Didn't I tell you to return to Orb already?" I glared at the brunette piloting the Freedom angrily. What is he thinking? Disrupting the already chaotic battlefield like this…

"Athrun…," he looked at me sadly before answering. "It can't be helped, Athrun. This battle must be stopped before it gets worse - "

"You're the ones who're making the battle worse, Kira! Do you think your interfering this way will stop the battle? That just because Cagalli flies out and demand Orb to stop will make both sides cease fire? You're making the battlefield more chaotic than it has to be!" I growled. Why couldn't he understand?

"It can't be helped! Do you think I want to do this?" His voice went an octave higher, fury welling in his voice. "Do you think Cagalli wants to fight against her own people? Stop being so indifferent towards her feelings, Athrun! I don't want to fight, so don't make me fight, please..."

"You're fighting already, Kira. Against not only Plants, but Orb as well. You're not doing any good! Just what is your objective exactly? I don't see what you can achieve! And don't," I warned through me teeth, "you even dare tell me you're doing this based on Cagalli's feelings. This is a war, not a playground."

"Playground? PLAYGROUND?" Kira's temper finally broke, his anger flowing out of him like streams of burning air. "How could you utter such cold words, Athrun? I know that this is war. I know it as much as you do! My sister's feelings are honest, to say the least, Athrun. At least she's trying her best not to turn back on her country."

I moved the Saviour and whipped through the air, landing a kick into the Freedom's right shoulder. "You can't lead a country based on feelings alone. And what are you trying to say? That I'm abandoning my country? Kira Yamato, in case you have forgotten, my home country is Plants, not Orb. This war will dictate the lives of many, many of whom who will suffer losses. I cannot allow one who acts on feelings alone without thinking to increase the number toll of those who will suffer."

Freedom somersaulted through the air and aimed fire at me, each blast shot past me by inches. "I know that many will suffer, Athrun! Don't you dare tell me that! All we want is peace. Why can't you understand that? Cagalli is trying her hardest as well to prevent her country from falling into the hands of the Earth Alliance. You, of all people, should know that! I should have known that someone like you would never understand. You're always so cold and distant towards us. Really, do you even understand anything?" Kira shot back, fury the dominant expression on his face.

"Of course I understand! How could I not? But this isn't the right way," I insisted, my own anger welling up inside me. Cold and distant? Did he really see me that way? I shook the words away as he came charging up at me, saber in hand.

"Then, what is? Which is the right way? With ZAFT? Stop fooling yourself, Athrun. Your allegiance should no longer be with them. And besides, do you think they'll trust you? You, being the son of Patrick Zala? They're using you. Manipulating you. Why can't you see that?" Kira snapped mercilessly. By then, I had grown very cold at his words. Kira never ever brought up the subject of my father with me. Never. He knew that I avoided any topic concerning the previous Chairman of Plants who tried to obliterate Earth to rid the world of all Naturals. The very man who died in cold blood before my very eyes as he practically begged me to annihilate all the Naturals alive. Kira knew… So why…

"He only wants your Power, Athrun! And once he's done, he'll throw you away like trash! I see no reason why you would want to stay with Zaft. Not unless the reason only being that you want to be… you again!" he continued on, oblivious to my growing emotions.

"Wha-what are you saying?" I had this feeling that I shouldn't listen to his rant anymore. It was going to hurt, I was sure. And, for once, I wished I wasn't right.

"I'm saying that you want to be Athrun Zala again! The soldier who listens obediently to whatever his superiors say. I don't want that to happen, Athrun! Stop allowing them from manipulating you! You're better than that, right?" Kira soared through the sky, dodging my ceasing fires agilely.

"What in the world are you saying, Kira? What do you mean by me wanting to be Athrun Zala again? I am Athrun Zala. Always have, always been, and always will!" The rising anger in me swelled up at his words. Don't tell me… that he's saying that… I flinched at the thought and waved it away. He'll never do that... right? "And they aren't using me! I told you that the incident at Orb to end Lacus' life might not necessarily link to the Chairman! Why would he do that in the first place? To replace Lacus? I know what I'm doing, Kira. You're the one who doesn't know what you're doing! What makes you so sure that you're right? And, in the end, if you're wrong, can you make up for all the unnecessary lives you took? Can you?"

"Damn it!" Kira snarled, bringing down his saber at the Saviour, which I quickly evaded. "Why can't you understand? I won't allow you to be so indifferent towards Cagalli's honest intentions. She's your girlfriend, for goodness' sake! You're just like him, Athrun, just like your father!" The moment I heard my father bring mentioned, I stopped whatever I was doing. Every feeling inside me disappeared in an instant, leaving me breathless and cold. So cold. I didn't feel anything as he slammed my gun out of the hands of Saviour. I simply froze, not moving, not reacting. Not even breathing. I couldn't find it within myself to breathe. The very words that he had uttered had knocked the breath out of me. Strange, though. I didn't feel suffocated. I just felt... numb?

"Your father was cold towards you, and now you're cold towards her! Is this how you respond towards people who care for you? Athrun? I always told myself that you aren't like that, but it seems like I was wrong. This war started because of your father, Athrun. I will not allow you to follow in his footsteps by re-enlisting with Zaft. That Durandal guy is just another person like your father! He kills without hesitating! Can't you see that? They only want your bloody power! If you think that I'm going to stand by and watch you become that man, then think again! You're more than capable than anyone I ever know to turn out like him! Already you're showing brief flashes of coldness, just like him. The world doesn't need another Patrick Zala." Kira's eyes glared down at me fiercely, destroying the Saviour rapidly. By then, the Saviour was completely unarmed. "I won't allow you to turn out like him, Athrun. I won't allow it. If you're going to be so nonchalant about Cagalli as well as the rest of the Archangel, then fine. I'll have to defeat you!"

Every single word that came out of the brunette's mouth felt like a hammer blow to me, landing with a heavy thud into my memories, where they would stay, probably, for an eternity. My mind tried to reject them, but they stubbornly refused to go as they embedded themselves tightly into my soul. I felt myself draw in a shaky breath which ended in a small gasp. Somewhere within me, my heart maybe, a pain like no other was forming itself. But how? I'm not hurt or anything. What is this pain...? Kira snapped the Saviour's head off, followed by any part that could possibly pose as a threat to him. He cut everything off quickly during his painful speech, destroying everything that would not harm the cockpit of the mobile suit. I wanted him to, though. At that point of time, I wanted nothing more from him than to just aim and fire at the cockpit, where I sat within it. I wanted him to fire at me, until I was gone. Gone... The pain which, even now, was pulsing through me was not worth the life that I had lived so far. It was so painful to the point where I wanted him to make me disappear. Disappear entirely from this world.

As the Saviour, no longer having any thrusters, fell through the air and into the ocean, I watched the Freedom look down at me briefly, before flying away to fight both Zaft and the Earth Alliance.

Looking out the window of the cockpit, I watched schools of fishes scurrying away from me as my ravaged mobile suit landed with a light thud on the ocean floor. Normally, the sight of coral and everything would have captured my attention but now, nothing could, except his words and the accompanying pain. I rubbed the purple helmet in my arms gently, not knowing what to do. I had realized that the pain coursing through me was hurt. Emotional pain. The one pain that my entire being shied away from.

Somehow, a part of me had always known that it would come to this. My father, Patrick Zala, the previous Chairman of Plants had tried to rid the world of Naturals for the mere reason of avenging his wife - my mother - Lenore Zala. Ever since her unjust death, along with the lives of thousands of others during the Bloody Valentine tragedy, he had grown cold and distant, even towards me. The anger within him finally led to his own demise by his own subordinate, a commander respected by many. I, his son, who had fought by his side, believing that he was right, had defected from Zaft to join the Archangel during the First Bloody Valentine War.

Even as I fought alongside my best friend, Kira Yamato; my ex-fiancée, Lacus Clyne; and a new but already close friend, Cagalli Yula Atha, I had never been able to shake off the guilt and horror at my father's deeds. When Cagalli's father, Uzumi Nara Atha, spoke with Captain Murrue Ramius about my father's belief that Coordinators are a totally new and superior species, the feelings that had swept through me left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I didn't agree with my father's plan to annihilate all Naturals. It wasn't right. But what could I do? Other than fighting against my very own homeland? I never told Kira or anyone else about this, but it was undoubtedly painful to have to go against my own country.

During the period of time that I had fought along the Archangel, despite how nice each and every one of them were towards me, I couldn't help but think that some of it might have been a lie. Why would strangers accept me anyway? I, the son of Patrick Zala, and also the one who had tried to kill them so many times throughout the war. Kira had realized my discomfort and had assured me that none were a lie. They understood my plight and were willing to forgive me. He had told me that no one blames me for my father's actions. In the broken state of mind at that moment, I had believed him. Until now. How could I not have believed him then? When the war ended, I had no home to return to. No family. No friends. No one except them. If I were to reject his reassurance, how was I to survive?

Even up 'till now, I found it hard to believe that anyone would possibly not hate for the mere reason that I bore my father's name. Maybe, all this time, I had always known that it was all a lie. If even my best friend - my childhood friend - could tell me that I could follow in my father's footsteps for the mere reason that I was his son, how could I possibly believe that others would not see me that way too? The staggering grief that I was feeling now intensified all the more because of it.

How was I to continue moving on, when I knew how others looked at me? That I might suddenly explode and kill all those whom I hated? Many other people had scorned me over my two years residing in Orb because I bore the name 'Zala', but I didn't mind. They didn't know me, nor me them. So, who were they to judge? Even as their words poked sharply at my heart, I had clung tightly to Kira's words. But now, the very person who had always been there for me for so long had uttered the same words that I was so prone to hearing. My closest friend seemed to have finally admitted to hating me through his actions. Was there anyone out there who didn't hate or dislike me for the mere reason that I was... Athrun Zala?

Was there?

As the staggering pain that had coursed through me finally flowed out, leaving me numb and cold, I felt logic finally return to me, my broken mind trying to clear itself of the pain and his words and try to make sense of my current situation. My mobile suit, now weaponless and completely exposed to danger, had run dangerously low in power. I wiped my face with my fingers absent-mindedly, trying to get rid of traces of water that my tears had left. I could sense the foreboding sense of loneliness engulf me as my mind cleared itself. I breathed in deeply and examined the inside of the cockpit. With no arms, legs and thrusters, there was no way I could go back to the Minerva this way. I couldn't even make the Saviour budge. I glance upwards and wondered how long it would take for the battle to end.

How long has it been anyway? Has the battle already ended? The Archangel... Kira... Did they escape or... Unanswerable questions stormed into my mind, each a knife to my aching head. Hmm... I wonder what would happen if an enemy ship found me here. Would they finish off Kira's unfinished business? I almost wished that they would. Maybe they'd end the pain that was awaiting me in the horizon. I wasn't too hopeful though. Who would think that anyone was still alive in this pile of junk that I was currently inside, anyway? It looked ravaged enough to be ignored by any enemy ship, unless they didn't want to take any chances. I tried to keep myself busy by watching the swaying of the corals. I was afraid that the pain would come back. I'd rather be numb forever than experience that mind-numbing pain ever again.

I tried to control my shaky breaths. I knew that Captain Gladys would send someone to recover me soon and I didn't want to be found this way. I had to regain my composure before then. I didn't know how to face them after hearing Kira's words, and if I were found this way, it would make things so much harder than it had to be. I had never been strong emotionally. It was almost all I could do. Fight. Endure. Survive. I had always shuffled away the emotional pain, choosing to ignore it for my mental well-being. But who could blame me? Kira had Lacus when he had a breakdown. Cagalli was always too busy being the Head Representative of Orb. Besides, Cagalli and I weren't that close anymore since the previous war ended. I dealt with my inner battle alone, and if I chose to hide those unforgiving feelings away, could anyone blame me for that?

Even as I was focused in gazing at the water plants, a part of my mind registered the knowledge that I was going to be in pain later on. It was always this way. Think now. Suffer later. That grief that had resonated throughout my entire being earlier on would come back to haunt me when I was alone, I knew. Alone - where no one would find me vulnerable. Was that why Kira said I was cold and distant? Because I didn't display much feelings? If that was the case, he can't blame me for it. It was how I survived. A thought suddenly occurred to me that froze the blood in my body, making it colder than it already was. What if... What if my father survived that way too? He never showed any mundane feelings before me. What if Kira's right? That I have become him... I gasped involuntarily as the thought loomed over me. No... No! It can't be right. I'm not... I'm not... I can't be...

"Athrun? Athrun? Are you alright?"

I started as a familiar voice blasted through the speakers in the cockpit. Shinn? I didn't answer though. I was too caught up in my newly-found revelation. I couldn't help it. I was bent over my helmet, clutching it tightly for all it was worth. Regaining my composure this time wasn't going to be as easy. The dreaded grief pushed its way through the confines of my heart again, eating away any sense of calmness within me. A strangled sob travelled up my throat and I bit my lip to stop it from escaping. The small screen before me lit up as Shinn's face appeared. I didn't look up at him, my horror-stricken gaze focused on the floor, blank and unseeing.

"Athrun! Will you..." Shinn's annoyed voice trailed off. "Athrun... Are you okay? Athrun? Athrun? Answer me, damn it!"

A small part of my mind registered his words, but I brushed it away. I didn't care anymore. How could I, when I might have realized that a part of me had become the one whom I had dreaded becoming most? The fact that I might be discovered in this state didn't bother me anymore. I didn't even know if anything could bother me anymore now. I stiffened when I felt a teardrop splash onto my helmet, followed by multiple others.

"Athrun! Damn it. I know you can hear me," Shinn's voice seemed layered with concern. Huh? As if anyone would care about me...

I ignored his words completely as I was immersed deeper and deeper into my ocean of pain.