The Book
Author's Note: Fear not loyal readers, this story, like all my other one-shots, actually has an ending. It is not the rushed mess that the end of JTTALG ended up being.
x X X x
"Luke and I had a fight," Lorelai said as soon as Rory picked up. Rory was standing in a book store in an airport in Buenos Aires. She was looking for anything that would tide her over on the twelve hour flight back to Connecticut.
"You'll make up," Rory said with confidence. "You always do." Luke and Lorelai had gotten back together the first time Rory left Connecticut to follow Barack Obama's campaign. In the thirteen years since then they'd had their ups and downs, but divorce was never on the cards.
"You don't understand," said Lorelai, noticing that her daughter sounded distracted. "This was really bad. This was worse that the epic Margo and Peter blowout of 2012. I'm talking- you remember that time when Babette thought it would be cool to dress up like one of her gnomes? Worse than that."
"What happened?" asked Rory, not convinced that there was any argument worse than Babette's hair that night. She'd saved some from a previous haircut to use as a beard.
Rory picked up a book only because it was the lone English novel she hadn't read in the 'international' language section that was mainly Portuguese romances and English classics. She could only admit to half paying attention to Lorelai's exaggerated recount of the argument. It sounded like a rehash of every argument they'd ever had, dating back to the early diner days. The other half of her attention was focused on the book. It seemed to be your typical romance, not Rory's usual fare, but something made her cling to it while she continued looking.
"We even argued about you! I don't think we've done that since the dark age of 2005! And of course after you there was April. And Jess! As though we need to talk about how a grown man lives his life."
"Jess?" In the ten years since Luke and Lorelai's wedding Rory hadn't seen him more than a handful of times and said more than a handful of words to him. It worked out better that way for them. They hadn't had an argument in years. She knew he and Luke were in closer contact, though, so it wasn't unnatural that Luke would bring up his nephew.
"Yes, Tess."
Rory frowned. "I thought you got over that joke years ago."
"Well that joke, much like everything else in my life, is being resurrected."
Rory wandered to the discount bin to see if there was anything decent underneath a few Argentinean comics. "If they're really the same arguments can't you end them the same way? You and I are on speaking terms now. That's solved."
"I speak to April and Jess too. Apparently Luke thinks I haven't forgiven Jess for leaving you all those years ago."
Rory's heart lurched. She wasn't sure that she'd ever forgiven him for that so much as forgotten how much it hurt. "But that's not for you to forgive," said Rory.
"Which is what I said, which is how we ended up arguing about you. He thinks I can't form my own opinion of Jess because of you. So I said that I think of him as my nephew as much as I think of Doula as my niece. And then he brings up that I don't think of April as my daughter..." Lorelai continued to rant as Rory thumbed through the comics. Will would probably get a kick out of them.
"I know," said Rory when her mother paused for breath.
"You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?"
"Sorry," said Rory. "I'm in a book store."
"This entire time? You should have said something. We'll have to have this conversation later when I have your full attention."
"Well," said Rory. "If you can wait until tomorrow morning we can have this conversation in person."
"You're coming home?" Rory had just finished writing a series of articles on how drug traffickers were destroying the country's cultural heritage. There had been some confusion as to whether Rory's last article was truly her last, so Rory hadn't been sure of when she'd be returning to the States until this morning when an assignment opened up in Israel.
"Yes," she said. "I have a few days before I have to fly out to Israel to cover the war."
"Israel?" Lorelai sounded less excited.
"Mom I'll be fine. I've been fine and I'll continue to be fine. You know it's important that people know what's happening."
"I've got Twitter," said Lorelai. "I know what's happening."
Rory laughed. "Twitter is so ten years ago. Get with the times."
"What are the times?" wondered Lorelai.
Rory heard her flight being announced. "The time is for me to go. My plane is boarding."
"Hurry home to mommy."
"I will go as fast as the plane takes me. I promise."
Hurriedly, Rory handed her small stack of books to the sales assistant who scanned them. They were automatically charged to her account and Rory left. First the store. Then the airport. Then the country.
x x x
Up in the air, Rory had the time to actually examine what she'd bought. One Spanish novel about the colonisation. Another about a mango farmer. Three comics for Will. And the seemingly trite romance she hadn't been able to let go of.
Rory started with the book about the mango farmer, but it was difficult for her to appreciate the nuances in another language and the plot wasn't interesting enough to hold her over. She set it aside for the moment and went for the easiest: the only one written in English.
It was a clichéd plot, even though it was written as though the author knew what she was doing. Rory assumed it was written by a woman, though there was no author's biography present and the author's name was Jules Murray. Despite its obvious plot contrivances, something about it just drew Rory in. It resonated with something in her core, like the essence of her being was being called.
The story itself was familiar: rebellious girl moves to small town and meets a boy who embodies the place. They start out as friends and it quickly becomes apparent that they're meant to be more than that. Of course they can't just get together because he has a girlfriend so she starts a relationship because she's too afraid to be by herself when he isn't. But eventually they all break up and the protagonists get together. It doesn't last long because she has commitment issues. Time passes and she starts to realise she was too hasty to throw away a good thing, but an ex comes back into his life. That's basically a non-issue, but she runs again, leaving him to start a new, stronger relationship with a rich blonde. The next time the main two meet they have a fling even shorter than the first time before he runs back to the blonde and she leaves even more broken-hearted. They're still friendly, though, and he breaks up with the blonde for good. Eventually the girl gets up the courage to admit she's loved him the entire time and as all good romances go, all is forgiven and they live happily ever after.
Something seemed a little off about it, though. The ending seemed to have less feeling than the beginning, as though the author had bowed to an editor and didn't really believe the two of them could get back together- as though the girl had done so much that was impossible to forgive when it was obviously she who'd been emotionally abused more.
And the couple got together and broke apart a ridiculous number of times for people who were meant to be and Rory would have thought it entirely implausible if the same thing hadn't happened to her mother and Luke a dozen times.
That was it, thought Rory. The reason why the story resonated was because it reminded her of her mother and Luke, two of the people in the world that she loved best. She was so glad she was already on her way home. Being so reminded of them made her more homesick than ever.
Though Rory had gotten used to travelling while on her first campaign trail, she never really got used to not being able to go back to Stars Hollow at a moment's notice for a cup of coffee at Luke's with her mother. She'd never tell Lorelai until she was sure, but she was thinking about quitting her job. Five years of travelling the international beat was enough. The only problem was that she had no idea what to do otherwise and Rory wouldn't do anything without a plan.
Rory was starting to feel lonely. After Logan she'd never really managed to maintain a long term relationship. She'd gotten pretty serious with one guy while on the campaign trail, but as soon as it was over they'd parted without even thinking about it. It wasn't worth attempting to keep long distance. And that was the story of every one of her much shorter relationships after that.
To make matters worse, Rory often saw Logan and his perfect wife mentioned in her own non-Huntzeberger owned newspaper, and more than once she wondered if she'd missed her only chance at a lifelong relationship by turning down Logan's marriage proposal. She imagined the life she would have led and somehow it didn't seem so bad to her as it obviously had at twenty-one. Rory wondered if the 'What if?'s of that life would have been worse than the ones she had now.
She sighed. The seatbelt sign lit up and the pilot announced that they were preparing to make their descent. Rory stowed her thoughts with her bag and prepared to make the most of her time at home.
x x x
Lorelai and Will were waiting for Rory when she escaped the terminal, surprising her. She hadn't mentioned which flight she'd be on, but outside of the black hole of the aeroplane time had moved on and Lorelai could have made an educated guess. Rory noted Luke's absence and wondered if maybe the fight was actually as bad as Lorelai had claimed. A good night's sleep should have been long enough for them to make up while they still lived in the same house.
But Lorelai seemed happy enough, almost achieving the same level of exuberance that ten-year-old Will displayed.
"Did you get me anything?" he asked his sister.
"I sure did," Rory replied. "But you have to wait until we get home." Once Rory had realised she'd be spending all of her time travelling she'd put most of her stuff into storage and moved in with Lorelai. It made sense because Stars Hollow would always be her home, and she'd use any excuse to be treated to Luke's cooking on a regular basis.
Will pouted. "Rory you're mean!"
"Hey!" said Lorelai. "Insulting your sister means you don't deserve a present."
Will scowled. "Sorry Rory," he ground out, obviously only to placate his mother.
But Rory couldn't resist her little brother. She ruffled his hair. "Come on. Let's get out of here so that you can open your present."
"Mommy's too?" asked Lorelai.
It was then that Rory realised she'd forgotten to get her mother something. "Yeah," she said hesitantly, wondering if she'd be able to invent something out of the items in her bag.
Lorelai grinned and practically skipped out of the airport with her kids in tow.
x x x
The drive back to Stars Hollow was uneventful. They pulled up to a two-storey brick house on Elm Street that Lorelai hadn't managed to pass up simply because of its address, and were barely out of the car before Will demanded his present. Luckily he was pleased with his present, having just started learning to speak Spanish at school. He begged permission to brag to his friend Rick who was from Mexico and spoke Spanish himself.
Lorelai let Will make the phone call and he left Rory and Lorelai to themselves. Lorelai put a pot of coffee on.
"I know I've been out of the country, but shouldn't his friend be at school?" Rory asked her mother. "And Will too, for that matter."
"Well I couldn't have my boy miss out on any time with his big sister," said Lorelai. "And Rick's been home sick for a week. If he's not asleep he'll welcome the distraction."
Rory nodded.
"But you're distracting me," said Lorelai. "Where's my present?"
With no better ideas, Rory picked out the book she'd read on the plane. "Here."
"A book? I think you're confusing Lorelais again. I thought you'd gotten over that after I changed my name to Danes."
"Ha ha," said Rory. "It reminded me of you and Luke. They even spend most of their time hanging out in a diner."
Lorelai flipped the book over and read the blurb. "Well it doesn't sound like your usual sort of book. I guess you chose it for me after all."
Seeing that she'd gotten away with it, Rory didn't bother to correct her, figuring it was better that her mother not think she'd forgotten her. Rory did, however, mourn the fact that she'd likely not be able to reread the book with Luke and Lorelai in mind from the beginning.
"But," said Lorelai. "I don't know how you managed to go all the way to Argentina to bring back a book made in the USA."
"Well," said Rory. "After the customs chaos the cactus caused the last time I was in South America I didn't want to go for anything more exotic."
"But it was a good story," said Lorelai.
The coffee maker signalled it was done and the two women sat down with bowl-sized mugs.
"So how was your trip?" asked Lorelai.
There wasn't much to tell that Lorelai didn't already know from reading Rory's articles and the sporadic phone calls, but Rory told it as best as she could. Then she dared to broach the topic she'd been wanting to talk about since she met her mother in the airport. "How's Luke?"
"Luke?" Lorelai seemed confused. "Oh, right. We made up. He apologised. I forgave him. We had great make up sex."
"Too much information!" Rory slapped her hands over her ears.
Lorelai stuck her tongue out at Rory. "He would have met you with us at the airport but he's getting the apartment at the diner ready for Jess."
"Jess?" The man had come up a lot more in their past few conversations than usual. "Can't he just stay in April's room? Or with Liz and TJ?" Once Luke had moved into this house with Lorelai he'd closed up the diner apartment and no one had used it since. The Danes house had four bedrooms: one for Luke and Lorelai, another for Will, and two that were Rory's and April's, though they were rarely home, which were generally used as guest rooms. Not that the Danes family had many visitors.
"He's apparently got writer's block so terrible that he's desperate enough to try to cure it in Stars Hollow. It's probably going to be a long stay because he has to finish his book so we thought he'd be more comfortable in the diner." Since leaving Stars Hollow as a teenager, Rory didn't think Jess had ever spent more than a weekend in the town at a time. He would certainly be more used to living by himself. But she also thought there was more to it.
"Is that why you were arguing? Luke wanted him to stay here?"
"Yeah," Lorelai admitted. "But even Jess agreed that he didn't want to be in the way."
Rory understood. Jess was family now, but it didn't mean he and Lorelai or even Luke, didn't have their differences. Will didn't need to be introduced to that. Luke always had to be the provider, though, so he would have a hard time accepting that Jess didn't need his help. The diner was a good compromise.
"So when does Jess get here?" asked Rory.
"Tonight," said Lorelai. "You're okay with it, aren't you?"
Rory frowned. "Why wouldn't I be? It's just Jess."
"Okay," said Lorelai. "But I was thinking that Luke was right that I haven't forgiven Jess for leaving you because I'm not sure you ever did."
Rory paused, then repeated her earlier thought. "It isn't so much forgiven as forgotten. That Jess has no relevance to my life now."
Rory could tell that her mother wasn't altogether pleased with that response. "Okay," Lorelai said. "I'll try to do the same."
"Good," said Rory. She didn't want her relationship with Jess to get in the way of her mother's relationship with his uncle. That relationship was too important.
x x x
Dinner in the diner that night was more of a celebratory coming home party than anything else. Stars Hollow's residents were in and out of the door all evening welcoming Rory home. It sucked that she'd have little more than a few hours with most of them before she shipped out again.
Lane joined Rory, Lorelai and Will at their table. Luke was still working and fussing over the apartment but Rory knew there would be time to catch up later. He'd embraced her earlier, kissing her gently on the cheek. It overwhelmed Rory with love and affection for him every time. She loved Christopher as her father, but Luke had a special place in her heart all his own. She never minded disappointing her father but disappointing Luke filled her with guilt every time.
Lane was Zach-less and child-less at the moment, leaving them all at home. She'd lost none of her enthusiasm over the years, prattling on about whatever latest catastrophe had befallen her just as easily as when she was fifteen. Rory was jealous. She could admit it to herself if not to anyone else. Lane and Zach were so happy. They had each other and their kids and maybe their income wasn't as fluid as Rory's and yes they had to deal with Mrs Kim on a daily basis, but Rory wanted that life. At this point she was afraid she'd never find anyone to share it with her.
Then Jess walked into the diner. The room fell silent for a split second when he entered, even though his presence was both expected and not unusual. The town's memory was long and though most days they looked back on Jess' teenage years with fondness and good humour, they still half-expected that he'd force a confrontation with Luke or Rory or Lorelai.
"Luke's upstairs," said Lorelai, eyeing Jess' battered old messenger bag and single suitcase.
He nodded, starting to head in that direction.
"Hey," said Rory with a smile, hoping to prove to her mother just how over Jess she was. "Come back and join us when you've dumped your stuff."
Jess nodded again, the corner of his mouth twitching upward in appreciation. He headed upstairs.
A few minutes later he was back, bringing Luke with him. Rory pulled a chair from the next table for Jess to sit at. He sat down as Luke went into the kitchen.
"Hi Jess!" said Will. "Did you bring me a present?"
Jess almost laughed. He reached over to the boy and pulled a quarter from behind his ear. "There you go."
Will pouted. "That's the same present I get every time. You should see what Rory got me from Argentina. Comic books written in Spanish."
Jess looked over at Rory who shrugged, then back to Will. "Well when I get to Argentina I'll bring you back a peso."
"What's a peso?" asked Will.
"Argentinean money," said Rory.
"Cool," said Will.
"I didn't know you were back in town," Jess said to Rory.
"I just got back," said Rory. "And I'm only staying until Tuesday."
"Where are you headed?" he asked.
"Israel," said Rory.
"Covering the war?" he questioned.
"Yeah," Rory responded.
"You're going to a war?" Will was incredulous. "Isn't that dangerous?" Rory had covered international conflicts before, but Will wasn't old enough to remember.
"It is," said Rory. "But wherever I go there will be people to protect me."
"Rory will be fine," said Lorelai in that tone that made you know she was right. Then she changed the subject. "We're getting a new horse for the Inn."
"How many does that make?" asked Rory.
"Horse number five," said Lorelai. "But we'll have to put Cletus out to pasture soon."
"Mom," said Will. "I know you mean you're going to have him put down."
"That's because you inherited the same super-smart gene that Rory did."
"The one that skipped you?" said Jess.
"That's because I got the gene that gives you two stomachs," said Lorelai. "Who wants dessert?"
"Me!" said Will. For the most part he ate healthily the way Luke encouraged, but in Gilmore-sized portions, and he never could resist an unhealthy dessert. "Can we get blueberry pie and ice cream?"
"Sure," said Lorelai. "Here comes your dad."
Luke brought out a plate for Jess and saw the expectant faces of his family. "Let me guess. Pie?"
"Yup!"
Luke shook his head but even he must have caught the festive spirit because he didn't argue.
The group discussed lighter topics, steering away from anything too personal and soon the pie and Jess' dinner were all gone.
"So," said Lorelai. "Movie night?"
"You know it," said Rory. Movie night on Rory's first night back was a tradition. "I don't even know which movies I missed while I was in Argentina."
"So you want to see new ones? Not classics?"
"Yeah," said Rory. "Over there it's easy enough to get Breakfast at Tiffany's or anything from the eighties. It's the other things I haven't seen."
"So I'll get movies you get the snacks?"
Rory nodded.
"Okay," Lorelai stood. "Come on Will. Say good by to Auntie Lane and Jess."
"Bye Auntie Lane! Bye Jess!" Will waved.
Mother and son swept out of the diner after a quick detour to say goodbye to Luke.
"Isn't that weird?" said Jess.
"What?" wondered Rory.
"That Lane is his 'auntie' but he's your brother and my cousin."
Lane shrugged. "I kind of have to be. The twins are older than he is."
"I still can't believe you have kids," said Jess.
"That's belated," said Rory. "They're as old as Doula. Do you forget you have a sister?"
"Not recently," said Jess. "How's Gigi?" he countered.
"She wears a leather jacket and rides a motorcycle. You can tell she was raised by my dad."
"The complete opposite of you?"
"Yup," said Rory. "Which is funny because last I heard Doula was exactly you in miniature."
"Except that she seems to look most like Luke," said Jess. "I think she reads better than I did at her age. I'm running out of books to send her."
"Well," said Lane. "At least now you won't have to send them to her. You can hand them over in person." She sighed. "I wish my kids were more like Doula. They're too much like Zach and the rest of the time they channel my mom."
Jess couldn't imagine a more terrifying combination. "Doula's as afraid of you as I was of Mrs Kim. She's too terrified to rebel in front of you."
"Really? I never thought I was that scary. What did I ever do to make her think that?"
"What about the time you chased her with a frying pan because she picked a flower from your garden?" said Rory.
"She was like three," said Lane. "How does she even remember that? And in my defense," she said to Jess who clearly hadn't heard the story before. "I was pregnant. And it wasn't as though I would have hit her."
"That's probably the closest to discipline she's ever come," said Jess. "I mean, she's being raised by my mom and TJ."
"Are the other kids as scared of me?" wondered Lane.
"Did you chase after any of them with a frying pan?" asked Jess.
"Only my own," Lane said honestly.
Rory laughed. It was nice to hear stories about the kids, though bittersweet. She'd almost given up hope of having her own because everyone she knew who had a lasting relationship had met her significant other before the age of thirty. She was past that and was growing more sure that she'd never get what they had.
Rory's phone rang. It was Lorelai. "Yes mom. Sorry. Yeah. We're still at the diner. Yes. Sure. Of course. I'll hurry. Bye." She ended the call and turned to her companions. "I have to go. It's a school night and I still have to tuck in Will and get the snacks."
"Bye Rory," said Lane.
Rory hugged her best friend. Then Jess a little awkwardly. She wondered how even after all these years he still smelled the same. He didn't even smoke anymore. His scent brought back an overwhelming number of memories, but he smelt most powerfully of the familiar scent of home. "Bye Jess," she said.
"Goodbye Rory."
x x x
The next morning Rory woke early, a habit she'd picked up recently. As she travelled more she had difficulty having a good sleep-in, finding it easier to program her body to rise with the sun. Rory left the house after a single cup of coffee and went to reacquaint herself with her town, tracing paths she'd worn down years ago. It would be a golden sunshiny day. She could tell even though the air hadn't warmed through yet.
Rory's last stop was the bridge before she went to the diner for breakfast. She was surprised to see Jess working.
"What year is it?" she asked him as he automatically poured her coffee when she sat at the counter. "I seem to have stumbled into a time warp."
"Very funny," he said. "It's impossible without a pelvic thrust."
Rory blushed. "Silly me," she said.
"Luke refused to let me pay rent for the apartment," he explained.
"Ah," said Rory. Jess still hated feeling like he owed people something.
"So what do you want to eat?" he asked.
"Eggs. Sunny-side up. With a side of bacon. And toast."
"Okay," said Jess, writing it down. He went into the kitchen.
As Rory sipped her coffee and waited for her breakfast she traced patterns on the counter's surface.
Jess set her plate down in front of her and refilled her coffee cup. "What are your plans for today?" he asked her.
"Andrew's," she said. "It's hard to get a good English book in Argentina."
"Isn't that what the internet's for?"
"It's not the same," she said. "And you know it."
Jess smirked. "So I guess you haven't read anything good recently?"
Rory thought about the book she'd had to give to her mother. But Jess wasn't likely to be interested in a romance, even if it did somewhat parallel Luke and Lorelai's relationship. "Not really," she said. "Looking for recommendations?"
"Pretty much," he said. "When the writer's block started I read more because someone told me that was the best way to get rid of it. It didn't work."
"How long's it been going on?" she asked. She herself had never suffered from it. An occasional piece lacked depth or newness but that was the extent of her inconsistent writing.
"Since my last book," he said. "Sometimes I don't think I have any more stories to tell."
Jess' last book had been released almost two years ago and he must have finished writing it long before that. "That is a long time," said Rory.
"So my publisher tells me."
"I thought you were your publisher."
"Which means the guys are riding me harder than everyone else. They say it sets a bad example."
"Do none of them write?" asked Rory.
"No," said Jess. "Not well, anyway. They like publishing and editing and reading, but aren't so much into the creation phase of art."
Rory nodded. "Don't worry," she said. "You'll get through it. I've never known you to fail at something you tried at."
"Tell that to my last girlfriend," he said.
Girlfriend? Rory and Jess hadn't talked about personal relationships since the wedding when Rory had apologised for Truncheon and Jess had finally explained why he left for California. She wondered what had changed. "What happened?" she asked.
Jess seemed to remember who he was talking to at that moment. "Let's just say she doesn't think being an author is a real job."
"But you co-own a moderately successful publishing house, too."
"One that panders to the whims of its artists. She was a lawyer and thought that when I said publishing I meant websites."
Rory's nose crinkled. She wished she could give this woman a piece of her mind. "There's obviously something wrong with her. She didn't appreciate what she had."
"Maybe I appreciated it too much," he said.
Rory mulled over that cryptic statement. Then said, "Is this weird?"
"What? Being back at the diner? Frankly the place never changes." He leaned forward to whisper conspiratorially. "Caesar's replacement, Jerry, is so much like him I didn't even notice he wasn't Caesar until he yelled at me for calling him that."
Rory laughed. Jerry didn't look a thing like Caesar. He was much younger, of African-American descent and about twice as tall as his predecessor. But in temperament and cooking style, they were quite similar. Then she shook her head of the distraction. "No, I mean talking about relationships. I don't think we've said more than 'Hi' in ten years."
Jess got lost in his memories for a moment. "There's no reason why we can't be friends," he said.
"Right," said Rory with a smile.
"So, friend. We might as well talk about your relationships now that we're over mine."
"Oh I see how it is. You let a little slip just to be nosy. I'm not falling for it." She crossed her arms over her chest defensively.
Jess lifted the coffee pot from its stand. "Not even for this?" He swung it teasingly in front of her, making Rory realise she'd drained her mug.
She pouted. "Evil."
Jess smirked.
"Okay fine. But there's nothing to tell. The entire time I've had this job I haven't had a single relationship that's lasted longer than a month."
"I guess it's hard with the travelling," he said, filling her mug.
Rory sipped gratefully. "A little," she agreed. "Sometimes I think I'm incapable of it."
"You and Huntzberger were together for years," Jess pointed out.
"And then he proposed and I turned him down."
"You wouldn't be where you are now if you hadn't."
"And sometimes I wonder if it was worth it," she said.
"Are you still in love with him?" he asked.
"No," she said quickly. "I just wish I could settle down."
"Why don't you?"
"No one to settle down with, so why give up the dream job?"
Jess nodded in understanding.
Lorelai came into the diner. "There you are. I thought I'd dreamed you came home."
"I left you a note," said Rory.
"I dreamed that, too."
"Coffee?" asked Jess.
"Do you really need to ask?"
"My mistake." Jess poured Lorelai a cup and went to take someone else's order.
"So what were you two talking about?"
"The usual," lied Rory. "Books. Music."
"I didn't think the two of you talked much."
"We didn't," said Rory. "I guess we really are over everything."
"Good," said Lorelai. "Luke cooked breakfast so I've already eaten. I'm ready to go when you are."
"I was going to go to the book store," said Rory. "And don't you have work to do?"
"I took the day off. I wanted to see the only daughter I gave birth to."
"Didn't you take the day off yesterday?"
Lorelai faked a cough. "I was sick."
Rory looked at her mother.
"Fine," said Lorelai. "I can tell when I'm not loved."
Rory didn't know exactly why she was pushing away her mother. She just wanted a little more time to herself.
x x x
Rory was surprised when Jess walked into Black, White and Read. She hadn't been there long, having had to placate her mother with a long talk before Lorelai went to work. She hadn't yet found a copy of the book she was looking for, though Andrew assured her it was there somewhere.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"I'm Jess," he said.
Rory turned away, ignoring him. If he wasn't going to answer her question properly...
"Trying to get over the writer's block," he said.
"Uh-huh." She kept browsing.
He looked over at her. Then to the door. Then back to her. "Thought you could use the company."
Rory turned and smiled at him. "Sure." It was just like old times.
They searched through the library first together, then separately, evaluating one another's selections when they got to the counter to pay.
"You don't want to read that," Jess said, taking the small town romance she'd been looking for from her stack.
"Why not?" she asked. "Have you read it?"
"Yes," he admitted. "And it's crap."
Rory raised an eyebrow. "And you have nothing more to say than that? I don't believe you."
He only shrugged.
"It's not all bad," she said. "I mean, yeah the storyline might be a little clichéd but it's written honestly. The emotions are real. The author could write better if she ever decides to turn away from romance."
Jess blinked. "You've already read it."
"Yeah," admitted Rory. "It reminded me of my mom and Luke."
"Really? How?"
"City girl charms local boy. Then it takes an excruciatingly long time for them to get together."
"I guess so," he said. "I never thought about it like that. It's easy to forget Lorelai wasn't born in this crazy town."
"She does fit right in," said Rory. She took the book back from him and went to pay.
"So you don't think it's unrealistic that they get back together after a long separation?" Jess asked once they were outside.
"No," said Rory. "If mom and Luke could, why not them?"
"Maybe because they hardly see each other. Luke and Lorelai saw each other almost every day."
Rory looked thoughtful. "But neither of them really got over the other, so it was like they were always there."
"And that's not a naively romantic notion?"
Rory smiled. "I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend."
Without conscious thought or communication they ended up on the bridge with their new purchases. A growl of Rory's stomach later and they were sharing a pepperoni pizza. Before Rory knew it, they'd spent the day together. She didn't regret it.
"I had fun today," she said as they approached the diner where Rory would be eating dinner with her family and Jess would be going upstairs to stare at a blank screen.
"As did I," said Jess. "Almost made me forget why I hated it here."
"Why did you hate it so much?" Rory wondered.
"The rules, mostly," said Jess. "Written and unwritten. And I guess because I didn't want to get too attached in case I had to leave."
"You didn't have to leave," she said.
Jess looked at her and sighed. "I did. But I should have broken up with you properly first."
It wasn't anything he hadn't said before. But Rory hadn't realised she'd needed the reassurance of a repetition of his feelings. She knew, intellectually, that their relationship had been doomed to failure because for all of their shared interests they couldn't communicate.
A proper ending to their relationship may have made her first year at Yale run more smoothly but Rory wasn't going to play the 'What if?' game. Instead she would appreciate today as the sort of day she could only have shared with Jess, a man who had once known her so well and barely knew her now.
"Will I be seeing you tomorrow?" he asked.
"I guess so," said Rory. "I'm actually going to watch Luke and Will play a baseball game."
"Okay." He'd moved beyond avoiding town events merely because they were town events, and the combination of new and old experiences would hopefully inspire him. "I guess I'll see you there."
Rory smiled and something flared within her heart.
x x x
Luke had the early diner shift on Saturday morning so Lorelai, Rory and Will went to the diner for breakfast. When they got there Jess was nowhere to be seen and Rory found herself a little disappointed.
"Where's Jess?" she asked Luke once he'd brought out their breakfasts.
"Still asleep I think," he said. "His car's still outside and I haven't heard anything from upstairs."
"You know in the olden days you would have assumed he wasn't there," said Lorelai.
"He's got nowhere to go," said Luke.
"Actually," said Rory. "He's got more places to go than ever."
"Not without his car."
"Someone could have picked him up."
Luke shrugged. "I guess I trust him."
How times had changed.
x x x
When Rory finished her breakfast she stood.
Lorelai eyed her suspiciously. "Where are you going?"
Rory paused. "Upstairs to wake Jess. He said he'd come to watch Luke and Will play."
"Okay," said Lorelai, still thinking it was a little odd.
"Mom," said Will, tugging on her sleeve. "We're going to be late to practice."
"Tell that to your father," said Lorelai.
"We'll meet you there," said Rory, slipping upstairs. She knocked on the apartment door and went in when she found it unlocked. Now this was a real time warp. Rory didn't think she'd been up here since she and Jess were dating, interrupted by Luke every ten minutes.
There was only one bed now, and Jess wasn't in it. And either he'd become fastidious about making the bed (were those hospital corners?) or he hadn't slept in it. Jess was sitting at the kitchen table, furiously tapping away at his laptop. He was wearing sweatpants and a faded t-shirt and was barefoot. He didn't even look up as she came closer.
Rory didn't want to disturb him because it looked like he was writing for the first time in two years. She wanted to go around and peer over his shoulder, but knew he wouldn't appreciate it. Instead she sat down in the chair across from him. He did look up once she'd sat down, but he didn't stop typing. Rory waited.
Forty-five minutes later his hands finally slowed and stopped. Rory had picked up a book: a modernist take on Soviet Russia. He stretched his fingers and arms and yawned. "What time is it?" he asked, his voice scratchy from disuse.
Rory set down the book and checked her watch. "Fifteen minutes until the baseball game starts."
Jess yawned again, standing and stretching his back. "Guess there's no time for a shower."
Rory's nose crinkled. "There's always time for a shower. Do you really think the crowd's going to appreciate your stink? Five minutes."
"Okay." Jess nodded and staggered toward the bathroom almost drunkenly. Once he was inside, Rory heard the water turn on almost immediately. She went back to reading the book.
Not long afterward, Jess emerged, wet and with only a towel over his hips. Rory pretended not to watch as he pulled up his boxers, exposing the pale skin of his backside for a split second. Rory knew she must be reddening so she doubled her focus on the book. She wanted Russia's coldness to seep into her veins and cool her cheeks. She wondered if Jess had done it on purpose. How could he be comfortable enough to get changed in front of her? Had he already forgotten she was here?
A moment later Jess was dressed and slipping on his shoes, grabbing his wallet, keys and phone. Rory checked her watch again and stood. "Five minutes to go."
"So we're late then. Gilmores don't run."
"But," grinned Rory. "Gilmores have been known to take short cuts."
Jess raised an eyebrow.
"Come on," she tugged on his arm.
They walked down the street the way Jess expected for a block before Rory walked into someone's garden and around the house. Jess followed and she knew what he was thinking. He could see that the fence was too high to climb over. Especially for Rory in the short skirt she was wearing. "Whose house is this?" he asked. If the occupants were home they'd probably call the police on him. He was still Jess Mariano.
Rory walked over to one section of the fence that had more vine growing on it. To Jess' surprise it was a gate which Rory opened easily enough. "That's Sookie's old house," she said. "I have no idea who lives there now."
"And why is there a gate here?" Jess asked as they went through.
"Because," said Rory, shutting the gate. "This house wasn't always here. The gate opened onto a field."
"I see," said Jess. And more than that he could see the baseball diamond from here.
As they arrived they heard the first strains of the national anthem being played over the loudspeakers.
"Right on time," said Rory smugly as she peered up into the bleachers and spotted her mother. She waved with a grin and grabbed Jess' hand, pulling him along behind her. They got to their seats just as everyone began to sing. Rory was surprised when she heard Jess singing. Even more so when she realised he wasn't half bad. How had she not known that he could sing?
As they sat down, Lorelai asked where they'd been.
Rory's grin never wavered, as she remembered how furiously Jess had been writing. She lifted the book she'd borrowed from Jess without asking, instead of verbally responding.
Lorelai shook her head and then her attention was diverted as they heard the tell-tale crack of the first pitch connecting.
x x x
After the game (which Will and Luke's team won by three runs), the five of them had a picnic. Will was basking in the glory of the win and enjoying having his sister and cousin there to dote on him. Rory was really dreading flying out on Tuesday. She didn't want to leave behind these people that she loved.
Throughout the afternoon Rory kept catching herself looking at Jess. he'd grown better looking over the years, his looks complemented by the smiles and laughs he gave more freely now. And of course, it was amusing to watch him doting on Will. He was surprisingly great with his cousin. Jess didn't seem to mind chasing after him or listening to the stories he told which more often than not didn't have a point and weren't funny. He was patient, caring and careful and Rory wondered why he hadn't settled down.
Jess didn't have the excuse of travelling all over and never staying still for long. He'd been living in Philadelphia for fifteen years now as his company thrived and he wrote the occasional book. Rory wondered if it was because he didn't want to settle down. If he already considered himself settled. Was he still as averse to commitment as he had been when they'd dated? It didn't feel like that was the case, after all he hadn't willy-nilly decided to quit his job, moved halfway across the country or stopped visiting Stars Hollow.
But this wasn't the time to think about those things, when Lorelai continued to shoot her strange looks. She couldn't help but think that her mother had caught her staring at Jess and that she'd know what exactly Lorelai had seen sooner rather than later. Right now Rory was content to enjoy the weather and the company, storing them away for when she'd be stuck in the desert, confronted by the morbidity of life.
x x x
Rory found out what Lorelai meant that evening, after their dinner. Luke had outdone himself with the cooking, putting together something so elaborate that it was obvious why he didn't serve it in the diner despite how good it tasted. She went to her room with Jess' book and her mother followed her up once the dishes were done and Will was tucked into bed.
"Anything you want to tell me, hon?" Lorelai asked.
Rory wrenched herself away from Russia's snow-covered cobbles. "What?"
"You and Jess," said Lorelai. "This morning."
"He was actually writing," she said with a fond grin. "I didn't want to disturb that so I just read." She'd always thought she and Jess worked best when they were silent together, when there were no words to misunderstand, only Jess and Rory.
"So why didn't you come to watch the practice with me?"
Rory shrugged. The idea hadn't occurred to her. She wanted to be there when Jess was ready so she had waited. "I like this book," she said instead.
Lorelai wasn't really getting there with subtlety but she gave it one last shot. "Nothing else happened between the two of you?"
"Like what? He wrote. I read. He got ready. I read some more." Was her mother expecting her to confess that she'd seen his butt for a split second? Did she suspect that Rory had?
"Rory you were positively post-coital this morning. And you were holding hands."
"What?" How had Lorelai come to such a conclusion? "Have I been so unhappy lately that a smile automatically translates to sex?"
"I'm just saying that I know you haven't had a date in a months and Jess has been single for a while now, too. I also know that it can be easier to relieve those urges with someone you're familiar with."
"You think Jess and I had sex what, because we were sexually frustrated?" Rory was still processing.
"I just want you to be careful," said Lorelai. "I don't want you to get hurt, or for Jess to get hurt. You're leaving the country again in three days. I don't want you having my grandchild in Israel."
Her mother had gone straight from sex to feelings and babies. How had that happened? Rory didn't like it. "Mom I'm thirty-four years old. You can't tell me what to do anymore. I can make my own decisions and if I want to have sex with Jess the only person who has a right to say anything about that is Jess.
"I don't have to tell you if I have sex and I'm certainly old enough to figure out birth control and that sex with an ex is complicated. You showed me that every time you got back together with dad."
Lorelai blinked. "I deserved that," she said. "But I worry about you, Rory. I worry about you every single second that you are out of my sight. You don't know how hard it is for me to talk to you when you're on assignment and not just demand that you come back here where it's safe. It's hard for me to be upbeat and light when all I'm thinking about is the fact that two miles away from you a village just got blown up and that just because you're a reporter doesn't mean that you won't be killed or kidnapped.
"Every day that you're away I have to wonder which is worse: killed or kidnapped? And don't get me started on torture... and yes now that you're here in Stars Hollow I don't have to worry about killed versus kidnapped but the worry doesn't go away. I'm programmed to worry. It just takes on a different shape. I worry that you're not eating as much. That you don't smile as often. You always seem to want to be on your own. And I worry about your relationships, too, because I still remember what it was like sixteen years ago when I didn't have Luke."
Rory was stunned. "I didn't know you worried so much."
Lorelai threw her hands up. "You already think I'm crazy. I didn't want you to give up your dream for me. Not when I pushed you down that road from the beginning."
"For the record," said Rory, deciding to alleviate one of her mother's worries. "I didn't sleep with Jess this morning."
"What about yesterday? You were away all day and all I got was that you were at the book store."
Rory rolled her eyes. "We didn't have sex then, either. We just talked."
Lorelai opened her mouth again but Rory cut her off.
"We didn't have sex the night before, either. We've never had sex. Not once."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Don't you think I would have told you something like that? He's Jess not just some guy."
Lorelai sighed. "I thought you had at the wedding."
"We just talked," said Rory, tired.
"For a very long time," said Lorelai. "I was looking for you for hours."
"We had a lot to get off our chests. I would have told you." She said it again. Rory had told her mother about all her other first times.
"I know that," said Lorelai. "But I also know that you wouldn't have sent me off on my honeymoon with that piece of news. And once I got back it would have been odd, so long after the fact."
"So this whole time you thought we'd slept together?"
"Not just me," Lorelai defended herself. "Luke did too."
Luke too? Well it only made sense. Rory tried to think back on previous conversations, searching for meaning she'd missed earlier. "Why didn't you ever say anything?"
"I dropped hints and you never denied it. I didn't really want to talk about you and Jess."
"How could I have denied it when I didn't know?"
"You're you. You're supposed to be smart."
Rory remembered something her mother had said the other day. "Did you really think that I would have had sex when I hadn't forgiven him for California?"
"He's Jess," said Lorelai. "I think you could momentarily forget."
It was unbelievable. But Rory didn't want to get into a fight with her mother. Not about this. Not now.
Lorelai couldn't resist one more question. "And you're not going to have sex with him, are you?"
"Mom!" said Rory. But she couldn't say no now that Lorelai had put the idea in her head. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. She stamped down on that. "It's between me and Jess, remember?"
"You and Jess," said Lorelai. "I never thought there would be a Rory and Jess ever again."
"Then maybe you shouldn't have married his uncle. It throws us together more often."
"Funny," said Lorelai. "I thought being cousins now would stop any relationships."
Rory made a face. "You've said enough for one night. I think it's time for bed."
"But I'm not sleepy!" Lorelai pouted like a five-year-old.
"Go," said Rory. "Talk to Luke or something."
"Goodnight," said Lorelai. "I love you."
"You too," said Rory.
x x x
On Sunday, Rory mulled over everything her mother had said. It wasn't what she'd said about Jess that worried her. It was that Rory hadn't known all of the things that Lorelai worried about. She was worried that there was really something with her, with the way she was living her life. Were her mother's fears justified and rational? Rory went over the points one by one, methodically.
Was she eating less? Rory know that her eating habits had changed since the days when she lived with her mother full time. She'd thought she'd gotten a taste of international food from all the take out she'd consumed over the years but it was nothing compared to eating Chinese food in China or Mexican in Mexico. She was no longer just a hot dogs and burgers kind of girl. Eating more varied cuisines meant that in general she was eating healthier. But that didn't mean she'd stopped pigging out. She was sure she'd eaten her share of the copious amounts of junk food she'd brought back for their last movie night. No, that had to be Lorelai just worrying too much.
Did she prefer to be alone more often? Here too Rory thought her mother was being irrational. She'd always liked to spend time by herself. It was what had gotten her into joining the Puffs at Chilton, and into an argument with Dean the weekend her mother went to the spa with her grandmother. But she did spend a lot of time on assignment away from her family and friends these days, so why didn't she feel the need to spend more time with them now that she was here? Instead of keeping her mother company at the inn or calling Paris or baby-sitting with Lane she was sitting at the bridge alone.
Did she smile less frequently?" Was she more serious or depressed? Rory didn't think so, but she was also aware that she wasn't the happiest she'd ever been. She knew that she wanted more from life and she didn't know how to get it. That had never really happened to her before. She had always had a plan and it had led her here, to amazing stories and experiences... but what good were the stories if she couldn't share them with anyone?
There was only one thing she was sure of, and that was that she had fewer reasons for keeping her job every day.
Jess snuck up on her, laptop in hand. "Don't jump," he said as he sat down beside her.
"What?"
He patted the old wood beside him. "If this was the Golden Gate Bridge I'd say you were about to jump."
"Nothing so drastic as that," she said. "Just thinking about quitting my job."
"If it makes you look as unhappy as that I think you should." He made it sound so easy and uncomplicated.
"I'd be directionless," she said.
"Is that such a bad thing? It worked out fine for me."
"But you're you," said Rory. "Of course you were going to land on your feet."
"Only you ever had that much faith in me."
"Luke did too."
"Luke hoped I'd be okay," said Jess. "You were certain. There's a difference."
"But I'm not like you," said Rory. "Not having a plan terrifies me."
"You really don't think I was scared back then? I puked at every rest stop from here to California, and not because I had motion sickness."
"You never told me that," she said.
"I never told anyone that, but Sasha may have worked it out from the smell the first day I was there."
"You never talked about California," said Rory. "You talked about why you left Stars Hollow and why you asked me to run away with you, but you never mentioned why you came back."
Jess paused, looking out onto the lake, trying to grasp the words. "California for me was what living with your grandparents was for you."
And Rory had never talked about that time with Jess... or anyone, really. She understood. "That was the last time I was directionless."
"And it worked out in the end, didn't it?" said Jess.
"Because of you." Rory rested a hand on Jess' shoulder.
"You would have gone home eventually," he said.
"Home to what? My relationship with my mother would have been permanently damaged."
"I don't believe that. Lorelai loves you."
"Anyway," said Rory. "Everyone else said the words but I only really heard them coming from you."
"Don't make me out to be a hero. It was the least I could do. I regretted yelling at you, actually."
Rory shook her head. "Don't underestimate how great you are."
Jess looked up at the sky. "If I'm so great, why do I feel so stuck?"
"Stuck? Maybe you should drop your job, too."
"Work is the least of my worries," said Jess.
Rory guessed that like herself, he thought about his personal life as a lost cause too. They were professionally successful, but personally behind. "Why are you single?" she asked, thinking back to yesterday.
"Why am I single?" he repeated, confused by the turn of the conversation.
"You could have any girl you wanted. So why don't you?"
"Maybe I'm too picky," he said. "I have trouble wanting just any girl."
"I know that feeling," she said. She wondered if maybe it was impossible for someone to experience the passion of her teen years later in life. She'd never felt so much as she did for Dean the first time. And for Jess. Maybe there was only so much love to be found and she'd wasted it on her teenage years, on her relationship with Logan. "Sometimes we're more alike than people think."
His answer to her question wasn't entirely satisfying, but she understood better now. She changed the subject. "Did you know my mom and Luke thought we'd had sex at their wedding?" she said to him.
"What?" Jess seemed to stiffen with his confusion. "How did they come to that conclusion?"
"Well we did lock ourselves in my room for a very long time."
"We did do that." Jess shook his head. "Why didn't we have sex?"
"At my mother's wedding?" Rory's tone implied how ridiculous that idea was.
"Why didn't we ever?"
"Because you ran away to California. And after that would have been wrong."
"And before that?"
"You don't really think that would have been a good idea, do you? By the time I was ready to have sex you were already pulling away."
"At the same time I was looking for a reason to stay."
"Sex isn't a reason." Rory was firm about that.
"You're right. But don't you ever wonder what it would have been like? What would be different?"
"Of course," said Rory. "You know you're the only one of my boyfriends I've never slept with."
A fire lit in Jess' eyes and he smirked. "We could change that, you know."
Rory reddened and smacked him. "Don't tease."
"I'm not teasing," he said, and she could see that he wasn't.
"We can't do that," she said, never mind that she'd been thinking it since her mother had brought it up.
"Why not? It's just sex."
"Sex with an ex is never just sex." Rory was standing her ground. Never mind the fact that it would solve the one niggling question of how sex with Jess would be.
"It wouldn't be just sex. It would be resolving unfinished business." Rory wondered if he believed what he was saying, or if he was merely trying to get her to agree with him.
"It would be weird. I haven't thought about you like that in years," she said.
"But you have now." He made sure to maintain eye contact with her, as much as she wanted to break it, she couldn't. "Tell me the thought repulses you."
Rory's cheeks reddened further as her imagination took her to places it hadn't dared to go in years. She shut her eyes. "It doesn't repulse me."
"Come on, Ror," he said.
Her eyes fluttered open. How could she not melt when he used that nickname?
He reached out with both hands, held her cheeks and kissed her. It was an honest kiss. Nothing but Jess telling her that he wanted it. Wanted her. Wanted... consummation.
Rory closed her eyes and surrendered for a moment. There was the tang of innocence reclaimed. Kissing Jess was like being a virgin again, the way Madonna said it would be.
It was too much. She pulled away. "Jess," she said, logic pouring over her feelings. "It won't just be sex." Already her teenage emotions were ready to roil. She was going to come out of this heartbroken.
"What if I'm okay with that?"
Her heart stopped and leapt into her throat. He'd be heartbroken, too. She shook her head. "It will be like Truncheon all over again. But worse."
"You're not seeing anyone."
"No, but-"
"No buts," he said, pressing a finger to her still-tingling lips. "It will be different this time."
"I'm still going to be in Israel in two days."
"Okay," he said.
"I have to go away," she said, trying to make him understand that no matter what happened between them she'd be leaving. "I can't promise anything."
"No promises," he said. "No plans. Just us. Right now."
He kissed her again and this time she surrendered completely. "Okay," she agreed with a nod. "Okay."
And it was okay to not have a plan this time. Because she knew she could count on Jess to save her again. Just like before.
x x x
Rory woke up in the bed in the diner apartment alone and disoriented. She was naked and ached slightly, having stretched muscles she hadn't used in months. But it was a good sort of ache because Jess was right. They'd had unfinished business and now that chapter of their book had closed.
Rory said up, drawing the sheet with her. From her new vantage point she could see Jess. He was silhouetted by the light from his laptop screen. He was typing furiously, occasionally biting his lower lip as he erased a passage and started again. He too was naked, with only a sheet around his waist to protect him from the coldness of the seat. Jess had never before looked so heart-stoppingly handsome to Rory.
Rory had no greater desire than to sit and watch him write. She didn't get up. She didn't let the future worry her. She just sat and admired him, memorising the lines of his face and the rise and fall of his shoulders.
Then her stomach growled. The picturesque scene was disturbed and he looked at her, startled. She laughed and a smile crept onto his face. "I should have anticipated that," he said, standing and stretching. "What do you want to eat? I'll cook."
"Oh no, don't do that," said Rory. "I should probably be getting home and you were writing. I don't want to disturb that."
"It'll keep," he said. "I've got Pop-Tarts."
Rory giggled again. This was not the post-coital conversation she'd expected to have with Jess. "It must be after nine," she said. "Isn't it a bit late for Pop-Tarts?"
"They're the chocolate kind. That's more like dessert."
"I don't know," said Rory. She was worried about what Lorelai would say, consider the conversation they'd had the night before.
"Someone probably saw us come up here. If your mom hasn't called I think she'd already got a pretty good idea of what you're doing. You don't want to have that conversation tonight."
"It is a school night." Rory was on her way to giving in and staying for a Pop-Tart. "Mom's probably just put Will to bed."
"You wouldn't want to wake him up."
"If she hasn't called," Rory decided. "I'll stay." This way the decision wasn't wholly up to her. She could place the blame on Lorelai herself if she complained.
"Great," said Jess with a smirk. He dropped his sheet and reached for the boxers at the end of the bed.
Rory flushed. "You did that on purpose!"
"Who me?" Jess painted an innocent expression on his face. He pulled on the shorts and went into the kitchen.
Rory shook her head. He was such a boy. She reached blindly for her bag and realised she'd dropped it at the apartment's door. She'd have to get up to check her phone. Rory didn't think she could physically become pinker. She wrapped her sheet tightly around herself and shuffled her way toward the door, ignoring Jess' smirking face. He was so sure of himself that he'd already put the Pop-Tarts in the toaster.
Rory grabbed her bag and sat at the table, too lazy to shuffle back to the bed. She checked her phone. One call from Lane and none from Lorelai. Jess was right. She sighed, and sought for some way to delay telling him the result. She couldn't call Lane back now because it was a school night. She looked up at Jess who was still smirking at her. "Don't look so smug," she said.
Jess' smirk evolved into a smile and he came over to kiss her. Rory let him. "Good morning," he said.
Rory kissed him back. "Good evening to you, too." She stared at her phone thoughtfully. "I wonder why Luke didn't come up here to check on us."
"Well, you said he thought we'd already done it. I don't think he wanted visual confirmation this time around."
"I guess not." It was starting to catch up to her, exactly what they'd done, blurring the lines of their tentative friendship.
"Hey," said Jess, kissing Rory deeply, stealing her thoughts. "Don't go there. Not tonight."
Rory let it go. Their breakfast pastries popped out of the toaster and Jess got them, setting them onto a plate. Jess made small talk as they ate, not wanting Rory to think too much. He told stories about Truncheon's artists. "Matthew's in charge of poets. I can't stand talking to them. I thought reading poems was bad enough, but listening to the half-formed crap they spit out. It's disgusting. Plus, they're absolutely bonkers. Worse than the painters. Matthew once had to go talk a guy out of a tree. Said he went up there to get 'perspective' or something. It's all bull."
"You've never written in a tree?" she asked.
"Up until a couple weeks ago," he admitted. "Matthew told the story again and I was willing to try anything about that point. Not being able to write makes me kind of crazy."
"So of course moving to Stars Hollow was the obvious next step." Rory grinned.
"Like you wouldn't have done the same."
She couldn't argue with that. Stars Hollow was home. Where else could she go? "So Matthew, you've know him a while, right?"
"Aren't you the one who pointed out I'd been in Philly for fifteen years?" He asked rhetorically before he went on. "I met him my first week there. He was peddling the Truncheon zine and it didn't completely suck."
"So why don't you call him by a nickname? I don't know of a single Matthew who doesn't go by Matt or Matty most of the time. Or some other nickname."
"Matthew is his nickname," said Jess.
"What? Really?"
"Matthew because he's the first gospel."
"Gospel of what?"
"Everything, I guess," said Jess. "I wasn't the one who came up with it. But if you ask him anything, he always has an answer. Even if it doesn't happen to be the right one."
"So what's his real name?" asked Rory.
"Eli," said Jess.
Rory laughed. "And that wasn't biblical enough?"
Jess smiled. "Like I said, I wasn't the one who made it up. Besides, who are you to ask about nicknames? You don't call me anything but Jess."
"That's not entirely true, Dodger. And do they not call you anything but Jess?"
"I get Mariano pretty often."
"Something that isn't your name," she said.
"It depends on how the guys feel. Sometimes they're channelling Stallone so it's Italian Stallion. Jessy if they're being obnoxious. Just about every insult you can think of, and one time, Peter Petrelli."
"You do kind of look like him."
"My hair is ten times cooler."
"Ten times crazier, you mean."
"You love my crazy hair," he grinned at her.
"I do," she said, reaching up to run her hands through it.
Jess pulled her closer, kissing her and running his hands through her locks. Her sheet slipped and Jess ran a hand down her naked back. "Round two?" he asked.
Rory let her sheet fall completely. "Don't you mean round three?"
Jess laughed before delving deeper into Rory.
x x x
The next morning hit Rory like a true morning after. There was something about the sunlight that made it so easy to see what you should have done the night before. She regretted everything because tomorrow she'd be gone. There was nothing she could do about it. Jess had surprised her, offering himself to her. She didn't regret the experience, only the consequences that were still to come. She felt homesick already. She missed Jess.
Once again Rory woke in the bed alone. Jess was at the table, asleep on his laptop. Rory wondered what he'd written. She hoped she'd be able to find out soon, but the chances of finding a Jess Mariano original in Israel were slim. Maybe he could send one to her. Would he want to? Who was she kidding? He'd move on while she was gone. He had to. Last night was supposed to be about closure. Not a beginning. They couldn't have a real relationship while she was away. It was selfish of her to expect more.
Rory sighed. This was never meant to end in anything more than heartbreak. They were too good at hurting each other. Their timing was never right. She was with someone. Or he was screwed up. Or she was the one whose life was out of order and he was the put together one. At the wedding she didn't think either of them were considering relationships of any sort. And now she was going to Israel. Even if she quit her job today she'd still have to go until they found someone to take her place.
There was one thing that morning brought that she was sure of: she, Rory Gilmore, was in love with Jess Mariano. She wasn't sure when her heart had settled on it, but she knew it now. She ached for him. It was so easy to be with him now. She wasn't afraid that he was going to take off somewhere and leave her behind. She was afraid of hurting him and of being hurt, but she could see a future she liked for the first time in a long time. A future with Jess.
If they could only get through today Rory was sure they would make it- even if it meant letting him go for a moment and winning him back again later. There was fight in her spirit. She knew what she wanted and maybe it was selfish, but she wouldn't let it go. She had direction again. And maybe it didn't include where she would live or what she'd do for a living, but somehow she knew this would be better. This would work out.
Rory got up and gathered her clothes, planting a kiss on Jess' temple on the way. Her new resolve was a fresh start and every fresh start began with a shower.
x x x
Jess was still asleep when Rory emerged from the bathroom, freshly showered. she didn't want to wake him, so she left him a note and went downstairs to the diner.
Lorelai was waiting at the counter with an uncertain smirk on her face. "Now that looks post-coital."
"And this time you're right," said Rory, unable to help the smile on her face. She ordered a large breakfast from the nearest waiter, not waiting for Luke to emerge from wherever he was.
"And you're sure you know what you're doing?"
"Yes mom," said Rory. "We talked about it."
"Okay," said Lorelai. "So was it just sex?"
Rory shook her head. "But it's okay. We'll deal with it."
Lorelai frowned.
"Stop worrying," her daughter said. "It's going to work out. It's Jess."
"Why doesn't that make me feel any better?"
"Because he's Jess and you'll always be prejudiced against him."
"And why is that, child who seems to know me better than myself?"
"Because he's a lot like you," she said. "And because he called you and Luke before you could admit it to yourself."
Lorelai frowned. "That doesn't sound like me. Am I really that petty?"
"Yes," said Rory. She noticed that Luke still hadn't emerged. "Where is Luke?"
"I told him to hide until the girl talk was over so he left when we heard you coming down the stairs."
Rory laughed. "Well I think we're done so you can tell him to come out now."
"All clear!" Lorelai shouted, startling several diners. It was Monday morning, no one wanted to be disturbed.
Luke made his way out of the store room. "You're scaring away my customers."
"This is the Hollow," his wife said. "They shouldn't scare so easily."
Luke rolled his eyes. "Everything okay?" he asked Rory.
"Everything's fine," she said.
"So where's Jess?" he asked.
"Asleep," said Rory. "He was writing all night so I didn't want to wake him."
"With all the writing you say he's doing it doesn't sound like he's going to be here any longer than you are," said Lorelai.
"Well it's true," said Rory.
Jess appeared from upstairs, showered and changed, and saw the three of them talking. "My ears were burning," he said.
"Rory was just telling us about how her low expectations weren't met."
"Mom!" Rory was outraged. Luke disappeared with reddened ears. "I wasn't," Rory assured Jess.
"I have to go run an errand," said Jess. "I'll be back." And with nothing more than a squeeze of Rory's shoulder he was gone.
Rory's stomach sank. He hadn't wanted to stay and talk. He'd just left with no explanation and even though an hour ago she'd been sure he wouldn't leave her, a little doubt crept into her heart.
Luke returned with Rory's breakfast plate. "It's probably work," he said. "He said he'd be back."
It was sweet of him to try and reassure her, but Rory just wished it wasn't so obvious that he'd hurt her feelings. For once why couldn't sex uncomplicate a relationship?
Whatever, she thought, stabbing a sausage. If Jess didn't want to talk he didn't want to talk. She wasn't going to force him. She was going to enjoy her last day in Stars Hollow, Jess or no Jess.
x x x
Rory kept herself busy to stop herself from thinking about Jess. She called work and double-checked everything. She unpacked and repacked her bag, replacing everything with climate appropriate attire. She went to the inn to see Sookie and Michel and to spend a little more time with her mom. She went with Lane to pick up her kids and Will from school. She helped Will with his homework. She did the grocery shopping. She went to her grandparents' house for dinner. She ate dessert with her mom and Luke around the kitchen table.
But for all the vows she made that morning, Rory wondered about Jess' continued absence and the fact that he hadn't called. So he didn't want to talk to her, okay. But where had he gone? He'd taken his car, but not all of his things, so he really did mean to come back... unless he was only waiting for Rory to leave. He'd be back tomorrow night or Wednesday morning as if he'd never met her. How could Jess be such a coward? Rory didn't understand at all. Could he really just pretend that nothing had happened?
These thoughts tormented Rory all night. There was nothing she could do and she hated feeling helpless. She wasn't going to see Jess before she left. It made her rethink everything. Did she still want him, want to be with him when he was once again going to slip away without a word of explanation? Maybe he was just trying to make her leaving easier on himself by being the one to leave first? And what had Rory really been hoping for anyway? A promise? A commitment? No matter how they left it now, she'd still be in a different continent tomorrow, for a couple of weeks at least. Couldn't she pick everything up when she came back?
...but what if he moved on? What if he was moving on right now? What if sex with her had been the only thing holding him back from trying to get back together with his ex-girlfriend? Then what? Where would she go from here?
She'd thought she'd had everything settled. But now... now she could see that there was nothing settled. She couldn't settle anything because she'd pinned everything to Jess and now he wasn't here.
x x x
The first thing Rory registered as she got out of bed on Tuesday morning was that she'd just tripped over something and landed on the floor. As she heard a pained groan, she revised that to 'someone'. She opened her eyes fully and realised that it was Jess and she was half-sprawled on him. She stood up and he did too, clutching his stomach.
"What are you doing here?" she asked warily, not ready to quite forgive him for missing her last full day in Stars Hollow. But there was a part of her thrilling at the sight of him rumpled and there.
"You didn't tell me what time you were leaving and I wanted to make sure I saw you before you left."
"You could have seen me yesterday."
"I had to get something. From Philadelphia."
"And you couldn't have called at some point?"
"Well it seems in all the drama of the night before I forgot to charge my phone," he said with a smirk.
Rory wasn't ready for teasing about that night. She was mad at him. "And you couldn't have called from anywhere else? And I know it doesn't take twelve hours to get to Pennsylvania and back."
"I got roped into doing some work since Chris was sick and by then I figured it wasn't really worth calling. I couldn't explain myself yet. You would have wanted to know why I had to go back and I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't tell you over the phone. It had to be in person."
Rory crossed her arms. It just seemed like a long list of bad excuses. Next he'd be saying there was bad traffic or that his car had broken down. "So what was so important that you had to go all the way to Philadelphia? We were supposed to talk, you know."
"I know," he said. "But I wasn't sure you'd believe what I had to say, so I went to get proof." He stooped and picked up a big, fat, yellow envelope he'd been using as a pillow.
Rory took it, but didn't look inside. "Say it," she said.
Jess looked straight into her eyes, brown melting blue. "I love you and I don't want you to leave."
They were the words she'd wanted to hear yesterday. Today she needed more than that. "And you didn't think I'd believe you?"
"I know you, Rory. You'd try to talk yourself into thinking I only said it because of the sex. That I only said I wanted you to stay because I knew you had to go. But I've always loved you. I never got over you and I never stopped loving you. I never really thought you could love me back and it wasn't until I wrote my last book that I realised I never would get over you."
His last book? It had been the farthest thing from romance he could write: a cynical thriller set in Victorian England that was really an utterly depressing commentary on the future of society. She'd liked it, but she hadn't really liked what it was saying. Rory had thought it was the strangest thing she'd ever read and yet made perfect sense at the same time.
"My last book isn't the one you think it is." He gestured to her to open the envelope.
It was a thick stack of paper held together with a gigantic binder clip. The first page read: Untitled by Jess Mariano. That was utterly unrevealing. She flipped to the next page. It wasn't a dedication, merely the first sentence of the story, unmarked as either a chapter or prologue.
She sat down on her bed and began to read. It felt familiar and not just because Jess had used his own name and was writing about riding the bus to Stars Hollow for the first time. It was when she read his description of the diner that she understood. She'd read it before. "You're Jules Murray."
"Yes," he said. "I finished it, never really meaning for it to be published. But then I had writer's block and we had to since I'm under contract. But it was too personal so I changed the names, then the genders and I generalised a lot of the story which is why it's such a cliché. And even then I didn't want you to figure it out so I picked a pen name and published it under an imprint."
That was a lot of trouble, just for her to find out anyway. "I first picked this book up in Argentina."
"I tried to keep it away from here. I guess you were more likely to find it overseas. I don't know how Andrew got a copy."
"Andrew can find anything."
"I can't say I've ever tested him."
Rory brought them back to the topic at hand. "Why didn't you want me to read this?"
"It just seemed so pathetic that I hadn't moved on. I didn't want you to have that power over me."
"And now?"
"Now I know you've already read it. And it's what you said in the book store. That you didn't believe it was impossible for them to get together again years later. That it reminded you of your mom and Luke."
"I can't believe I thought it was about them. But I did always think you and mom were alike."
"So what do you think, Rory?"
"I haven't read it yet."
"About us," he clarified.
"It depends," she said.
"On what?"
"On why this was the last thing you wrote. Why our story sapped you of your writing juices."
"I guess," he said. "I just really missed you."
And in the face of so much of his emotion, and her own still bubbling away, there was only really one thing to say. "I think I love you too. And I think I'll quit my job and look for a desk job. But I'm still going to Israel this afternoon."
He smiled at her. He really, fully smiled. "It's more than I ever dreamed of."
Rory matched his smile. He leaned down and kissed her.
Rory couldn't help but think that everything was well on the path to perfect.
x X X x
A/N: And we're done. I'm pretty sure I'll be writing this story over from Jess' point of view and posting that (despite the fact I hate when authors do that) so if anyone still has burning questions I'd like to hear them so I can answer them in the story.