All I want is the taste that your lips allow
(Because I am 100% done after "The Jolly Roger" have some angsty-fluffy thingy.)
.
.
He knows it would be easier for both of them if he stays away but he can't. He is like a moth drawn to the flame and though he has already been burned once, he still craves for the light, for the flames, the warmth.
He loves her too much to hurt her by staying away, by leaving her because he knows that she is used to that, it's all she's ever known, people abandon her and he wants to be different.
She needs him, his support that's why he doesn't leave her side even though it hurts to be around her and not be able to be with her the way he wants to be.
He wants to be with her, wants to hold her, wants to keep her close, press his lips to hers, devour her, never let her go, but he can't and it hurts, it hurts so badly that his heart breaks whenever her eyes meet his and he tries to show her he loves her with all of his heart but he is unable to act on it and sometimes he thinks she understands but most of the times he just sees pain and a lack of understanding in those beautiful green orbs of hers.
He's pulling away from her and he's hurting her and he wonders if he does the right thing, if being around her is right when it feels so wrong to not be allowed to kiss her.
It's only a matter of half a day before she calls him out on it, a frown on her face, concern in her eyes.
"What's wrong?" she asks and his heart breaks, not knowing how to answer that question.
He wants to tell her, but he doesn't want to risk the life of Henry or her parents or anyone else she cares about and he finds his lips sealed.
"Swan..." he sighs and she studies his features carefully.
"You can tell me."
She trusts him, he can see that reflected in her features, but he can't tell her, he can't toy with the lives of the people she loves.
"Please, Killian," she urges and he sighs, threading his fingers through his black hair.
"I can't, lo- lass, she would hurt you," he finally sighs and she arches her eyebrows in surprise.
"She? Zelena?" she prompts and he lets out a quiet groan.
"I've already said too much I-"
"I can take care of myself," she interrupts him almost harshly.
"This isn't about you, it's about your family and what is the right thing to do," he replies just as rudely.
"When it's about my family, I deserve to know!"
He knows exactly what she is doing. She's pushing him and he lets her. Because he wants to tell her, because of course she is right, she deserves to know, because there is nothing he can do about this curse, not alone.
He stares into her eyes for a few more moments before she shifts his weight with another sigh.
"She cursed me," he finally admits and watches her stiffen, looking up at him with wide frightened eyes.
"What did she do to you?" she inquires, her voice slightly breathy.
He closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath.
"She cursed my kiss," he breathes, opening his eyes again.
She stares at him in wonder and surprise and confusion.
"Your kiss?"
He steps closer to her, out of habit, almost flinching at himself when she looks up at him with those gorgeous green eyes.
"The moment my lips touch yours your magic will be gone, forever. But if I don't kiss you she will kill everyone you love," he elaborates, his voice filled with pain.
Her eyes widen, understanding filling them.
"That's why you've been pushing me away," she murmurs and he nods. "So your feelings haven't... changed?"
She sounds unsure and vulnerable and if it hadn't been for that damn curse he would have kissed her just to show her that of course his feelings haven't changed, he loves her and love is not something that disappears overnight.
"Of course not," he assures her and she exhales.
He thinks - hopes - it's a sigh of relief.
"Good," she says and he smiles at that.
He barely even notices that they both shift their weights, leaning towards each other until her breath dances over his lips, he freezes, his eyes boring into hers.
"Emma," he whispers, withdrawing from her.
He watches how she leans back too, her jaw clenched, frustration radiating off of her in steady waves.
He knows it's too much, if he would be in her place he would have snapped moments ago and she is so angry and he is so frustrated and they can't and Emma snaps.
"It's unfair!" she yells angrily, not mad at him but at the world - or more specifically at Zelena.
"I know," he replies calmly, stopping himself before he can reach out to touch her, knowing that physical contact would only make things harder.
"No, you don't! Just when I let go of everything that stopped me from moving on some Wicked Bitch shows up and ruins everything by cursing the man I-"
She stops herself, running her trembling hands through her hair, her green eyes wide and panicked and she's hurting, she's hurting so badly and he feels so sorry but there is nothing he can do but watch, too afraid to pull her into his embrace.
He loves her so much and she just- She just told him she loves him too and he can't properly show her how much that means to him because if he could he would kiss her, he would press his lips into hers, let his tongue trace them, nip at her lower lip, his teeth scraping over it lightly and she would kiss him back with equal passion just like in Neverland because she returns his feelings and she wants to move on - with him, gods she wants to move on with him - and his heart is filled with delight as it breaks for her, for them, but she is not finished.
"Why can't I just be happy once?" she adds quietly, her voice breaking at her last word as she looks at him through the tears that shine in her eyes.
A sob escapes her throat, salty drops spilling over and running down her cheeks as she falls apart right in front of him and there is nothing he can do, nothing he can say to make it better so does the only thing he is able to, he wraps his arms around her and holds her close even though he wants nothing more than to pepper her face with soft, soothing kisses, making her pain go away and tell her it will be alright, promise her that they will be happy but he can't even press a reassuring kiss to her temple because this might be too much. So he sticks to running his fingers through her hair, cradling her head gently while she continues to sob into his shoulder.
He buries his face in her neck, inhaling her scent - she smells of cinnamon and her and- is that a small layer of the sea? - holding her even closer, clinging to her like a life-line.
"I love you," he tells her brokenly and she sobs again, her fingers fisting his shirt as she trembles in his embrace.
He doesn't expect her to tell him she loves him too, even though he knows she does but still her reaction comes as a surprise.
She angles her head until it is buried in the crook of his neck and then he feels it, the press of her lips, kissing the skin of his throat. He thinks that maybe it was just an accident but then she does it again, her hands coming up to the back of his head, fingers trailing through his hair, softly massaging his skull.
He breathes out her name but she doesn't stop, instead her kisses become more distinct, trailing up his throat until her lips are pressed to her jaw, nipping and teasing and he tightens the grip of his hooked arm on her, afraid that he might hurt her with his hook but he obviously doesn't because she doesn't move she only adds her teeth and tightens the grip in his hair as she angles her head again, her lips pressed to the skin right below his ear.
"I know," she whispers, her lips moving to his cheek, pressing a lingering kiss to it. "I love you too."
Her voice is quiet, barely more than a whisper and his heart skips a beat, filling with joy and he pulls away from her, a smile on his lips as he leans his forehead against hers, bumping her nose with his tenderly.
"Good to know," he murmurs and she smiles.
"We'll find away to break that stupid curse, okay?"
He nods and this time she is the one to bump her nose into his. One of her hands slips from his hair to his lips, fingers brushing over them, her gaze fixed on the movements of her fingers.
He looks down at her as she moves her fingers away from his lips and presses them again her own, her eyes fluttering shut as she kisses her fingertips.
His lips tingle under her touch as Emma moves her fingers back to his lips, softly putting pressure onto them.
Until then this has to be enough, even though it will never be.