A/N: I don't own any of the Elementary characters and I am not making any money from writing this.
Please forgive any minor spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.
Warning: this story contains spoilers for the episodes "We Are Everyone" and "The Diabolical Kind". This is just a oneshot. I am referring to Moriarty as Jamie because that is her real name, not Irene.
Joan was lying in her bed, awake, unable to sleep.
Jamie.
What is so special about her?
Sherlock still communicates with her, after everything she has done to him.
Joan doesn't want Sherlock to waste his time and intellect on somebody like Jamie.
She isn't sure how she actually feels about Sherlock. She only knows that he is the most intelligent, interesting and extraordinary person she ever met and will ever meet. He showed her a whole new way of living, of noticing things, he made her feel alive again. She can't imagine her life without him at this point-not because she doesn't know how it would look like, but because she can't stand thinking about that.
Some may say that she is in love with Sherlock after reading this, but she knows that love can't even come close to describing her feelings toward him, her need for him.
He cares about her and respects her, but he loves Jamie. He never said so, but she knows that is true. His feelings towards Jamie are on a whole different level than his feelings towards Joan.
Why can't he feel the same? The part of his heart still belongs to Jamie, and that is something Joan finds perverted, strange and, the most of all, sad. To Jamie. Not her, Joan, person who was always at his side, helped him get over his drug addiction, but to Jamie, serial killer, person who seduced him and betrayed him.
Why does he still care so much about her? Because of the great sex they had? Or because he thinks that they have lots of things in common? That there is no person in a world who could understand him better, be more similar to him?
The mere thought of Sherlock having anything in common with a person who ruined the lives of hundreds innocent people without shred of remorse make Joan sick in her stomach.
She has a daughter she cared about, so what? Lots of bad people care about that families? That doesn't mean that she redeemed herself.
Joan thought that she won when she came up with a plan to make Jamie confess her crimes. A plan that worked and ultimately lead to Jamie's arrest. But it is only know that she realizes that she never won.
She wonders how easy things would be, if only Jamie would be gone. Well, there's nothing that she can do about it... or is it?
She suddenly shivers at the thought: for the first time in her life, she feels afraid of herself. In the next moment, she is Joan Watson again. Sweet, caring, loyal to Sherlock and not in any way dangerous or jealous. But her dark side is still there, hiding inside of her, waiting to be unleashed.
She doesn't want to admit it, but she knows that there is no place for both her and Jamie in this world, and that one day, maybe tomorrow, or maybe in ten years, she and Jamie will meet again, and put all the secret and feelings on the table and , when everything ends, one of them will be dead.