Title: Sassy Gay Friend
Summary: Meet Ginny Weasley. She's about to take her own life. This fate would be avoided if she just had a Sassy Gay Friend...
A/N: I blame lack of sleep and reading SGF's TV Tropes page for the existence of this... thing. I love SGF though. Everyone should have an SGF in their life. :3
This is mostly based on the Hamlet video with SGF and Ophelia. Some lines are also taken from the vid. Don't sue me.
Warning/s: Crack, parody, language, slash, attempted suicide, a Sassy Gay Friend's sassiness, tiny bit of Ginny bashing, shitty writing…
Disclaimer: I don't own HP or SGF. I'm too pathetic to.
The sun shone brightly down on a stone bridge overlooking a river in Ottery St. Catchpole. Standing on the railing of the bridge was a young girl with a shock of red hair and a smattering of freckles. She looked resigned, heartbroken, and ready to jump at a moment's notice.
Meet Ginny Weasley. She's about to take her own life. This fate would be avoided if she just had a Sassy Gay Friend...
"What are you doing?" a slim blond teen with a sparkling green scarf around his neck popped up from nowhere, nearly scaring the shit out of Ginny. "What, what, what are you doing?"
Speak of the devil and he shall appear...
"Malfoy?" Ginny said incredulously as the former Death Eater climbed up onto the stone railing next to her. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Well, obviously I was just passing by," Draco Malfoy said scathingly, arms crossing upon his slim chest. "But then I see you about to do the swan dive from a bridge into a river just ten feet below. So I decided to put my 'reformed Death Eater' image into practice and be some bloody do-gooder Gryffindor who does good."
Ginny would have glared, but she was much too heartbroken to care. "Whatever Malfoy," she muttered. "Just leave me alone." She moved to jumped off the bridge again, but was suddenly grabbed by Draco.
"Ginevra Feel-Bad-For-Yourself Weasley, move away from the water!"
Said redhead jerked her arm out of Draco's grip, feeling anger flare in her once more. "Why do you care Malfoy?" she yelled, feeling frustrated. "Harry doesn't love me any more!" she wailed soon afterwards.
"So we kill ourselves?" Draco yelled back in disbelief. "Kill ourselves? This is Potter we're talking, okay! Potter!" Emphasis, thy name is Draco. "There is something rotten in Denmark and it's his bloody mentality!"
A thoughtful expression crossed Ginny's face. "He has been kind of hard to deal with lately," she attested.
"Weasley, the bloke's parents were killed when he was a baby, he was abused for ten years by his bastard relatives, the next six years after that he's had brushes with death and crazy adventures, and just last year he was on the run trying to defeat the Dark Lord, which he did," Draco stated as if he was just reading off a shopping list. "Did you think that just because the war is over that it was going to be all sunshine and rainbows, peaches and cream?"
"Yes!" Ginny exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. "We were supposed to have a long, fairy tale romance, get married, have three kids named after dead people, and live happily ever after!"
Draco resisted the urge to ask her what exactly had she been sniffing. "You're both barely of age!" he exclaimed, very obviously exasperated with the redhead. "You're barely out of school! And now you're talking about marriage and kids?" He snapped his fingers in front of Ginny's face. "Grow up and face reality, because it isn't as cookie cutter as you may fantasize."
Ginny opened her mouth to snap something back, but Draco slashed his hand through the air, cutting her off.
"No! I'm having none of that!" he said. "Here's what you're going to do; instead of drowning yourself, you're going to write a sad poem in your journal... and move on. Get back to school, pass your NEWTs, get a job, live your dreams, experience other relationships for Merlin's sake! If you and Potter are truly meant to be together, then you just might get back together in the future! But for right now you – and him – have to experience life! Hell, Potter has to sort out his issues first before anything else!"
Ginny still didn't look like she was convinced and was staring sullenly at the water below.
"Besides, you'll only get humiliated when he tells you he's gay," Draco muttered lowly.
"What?" Ginny snapped her head up, her eyes wide. Fortunately she didn't really hear Draco's words, just his muttering.
"Never you mind," Draco said, waving a limp hand. "So, what'll it be Weasley? You jump off the bridge, leave your family – including Potter – heartbroken by your death just after they already lost that twin of yours? Or you live life to the fullest and have a chance at happiness?"
The youngest Weasley still looked quite sullen, but she didn't look like she was contemplating suicide any more. "I guess you're right," she sighed.
Draco snorted. "Of course I'm right." He got a narrowed-eyed glance for that but he brushed it off. "By the way… this is the best your hair has ever looked!" He gestured with a hand towards Ginny's hair that cascaded down her back.
"Really?" Ginny said, looking shocked at the compliment but flattered all the same.
"Yes," Draco said eagerly. "I can't believe you were going to get it wet!" Ginny giggled, as if she couldn't believe the same thing herself. "You're so crazy Weasley!" The two smiled and laughed with each other for a few more seconds. "Now get out of here you stupid bitch. Your family's probably wondering where you're at."
"Yeah," Ginny said, following Draco as he hopped off the stone railing. "Thanks Malfoy. You're not that bad."
The redhead walked away, leaving Draco to stare after her. Once she was gone, Draco smirked and crossed his arms, expecting the footsteps that sounded behind him and the arm that slipped around his waist.
"She's a stupid bitch," Draco said, his smirk turning into an amused smile when the man next to him clucked his tongue.
"I don't like you calling her that, but something inside me wants to agree," Harry said with a small scowl. "It's so embarrassing to have her throwing herself at me even when I made it clear I didn't want to get back with her."
It was Draco's turn to click his tongue. "Well, you're not getting back with her at all now that I'm here."
Harry couldn't find it in himself to disagree. Instead he asked, "Did you really think her hair looked good?"
Draco managed to snort and cringe at the same time. "Of course not. Her hair is ghastly." He then smirked. "First rule of confronting a woman; compliment her hair and she's putty in your hands."
The Boy – now Man – Who Lived shook his head. "If I had known that before…" he trailed off.
"If you had known you'd be shit at putting it into practice," Draco laughed, earning him a scowl from Harry. "Anyway let's go. Our appointment with Mind-Healer Travis is in ten minutes and I don't want to be late."
Harry sighed in resignation at the reminder. "Do I have to?"
Not dropping his smirk, Draco turned to walk away, flicking the end of his scarf over his shoulder and deliberately hitting Harry in the face with it. "Yes you do. After all, your reward's going to be the both of us in a bed discovering other ways to use my scarf."
That made Harry follow him rather quickly and they both Apparated away, Draco's laugh echoing through the air.
A/N: I regret nothing.