Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo, and since I have no complaints about how he's run the series, I won't even crack a lame joke.

a/n: So. Belated Christmas ficlet. I'm not really impressed with this piece, since it sucks in a lot of major ways. But because the Renji/Ichigo fandom is just so damn small, I'm posting it for all you fans out there. On the technical side, half this thing is utter stream of consciousness, so beware. And I've also Americanized Christmas, since I don't know much about how the Japanese celebrate it, or if they even have a Christmas per say... anyway, deal with it.

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Merry Christmas, Ichigo

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Ever since his mother had died, Christmas Eve degenerated into a complete disaster each and every time. Dinner tended to be whatever was dug up from the bottom of the freezer, including frozen fish, frozen egg rolls, and maybe some frozen apple pie if they were extremely lucky. Lumpy presents were stacked haphazardly under the equally lumpy tree, looking small and mournful. Stockings were a mess. Isshin would sleep right through the night and forget to fill the stockings before morning, leaving Yuzu to hop around trying to fill them all before anyone woke up. Which, by the time she organized the gifts, they were all awake watching her go about it anyway. And they didn't even talk about Christmas spirit; even Yuzu knew better than to try to instil any holiday cheer into this particular family.

Christmas was a bust, had been for a long time.

So it was no surprise that when Ichigo wandered downstairs and heard the doorbell ring, he eyed the entrance way warily and with no small amount of suspicion. Who the hell could it be at this time? There was a second ring. Yuzu and Karin were back in the clinic, organizing equipment, and Isshin was nowhere to be found. That left him. Did he really have the patience for Christmas carollers? A third. Nah, couldn't be anything important…

Suddenly there was an abrupt line of line of ding-dongs that put Ichigo's teeth on edge. He gave the door a dirty look, hoping whoever was on the other side would sense the killing vibes and go away. No such luck. It didn't stop. Persistent bastard -

The space between rings decreased even more, sounding like one long game show buzzer.

Growling, Ichigo stormed up to the door, hurling it open. "What the hell do you want?"

A blur of red and white shot past him, followed by a cold blast of snow and wind. Ichigo grunted in surprise at the sudden blip of familiar spiritual energy on his internal radar.

"What the fuck took you so long? Freezin' my damn ass off out there… Shoulda figured ya couldn't even answer a damn door…"

Ichigo slammed the door and whirled on the source of the loud grumbling, which was hunched over, brushing snow off the red spikes of his hair. There was no mistaking that aura, or the horribly bright and clashing fashion sense. But it didn't make any sense, shouldn't he have been in Soul Society doing whatever those stuck-up bureaucratic bastards did, not standing in his living room in what had to be a gigai?

What… the hell…?

"Renji?"

"No, it's Rukia. Of course it's me! Who the fuck you think it was?"

Ichigo opened his mouth to point out just how incredibly ridiculous having a shinigami vice captain standing in his house really and truly was, when disaster struck in its most potent form.

"Ichigo! Who is this? You never informed your daddy you were inviting a friend over! Shame on you! You'll have to set another place at dinner! Oh, and stockings! We don't have an extra stocking for your friend - what will we do?" Even though he was peeking out from around the corner all the way across the room, Isshin's voice sounded like an air horn from hell. With a hop and a skip, he was standing right beside them. Renji grunted in surprise. Ichigo noticed the vice captain slip into a more defensive stance almost without meaning to.

Ichigo couldn't help a sardonic curl of his lips. His dad's ability to pop out of nowhere could make Kuchiki Byakuya's flash step seem paltry in comparison. He didn't blame Renji's reaction. Most people who met Isshin for the first time were never quite the same again.

In any case, Ichigo didn't feel so bad about not having sensed his father sneaking up on him, since if his goggling was anything to go by, neither had Renji. The image of his dad and, of all people, Abarai Renji, staring at each other nearly made him lose it. The only thing that could have made it any more hilarious would be if Byakuya showed up in a giant Santa suit, complete with Rukia as his little elf helper…

And then Isshin opened his mouth.

"Do you go to school with my son? Do you know how much trouble he gets into with that hair of his - too much! I must get a phone call every night! Good thing he has friends like you to watch out for him, right? Right? He's only fifteen, not too bright, always getting into fights… You'll stay for dinner, all right? Yes? Okay! Have you met my two beautiful daughters yet? I -"

And on and on and on. Ichigo had learned how to tune it all out until the jackass ran out of air. Renji did not, and Ichigo could barely choke down a laugh. The expression on the other's face would have been comical in any other situation, but Ichigo could empathize with having Isshin leer in your face. Grabbing the man by the back of his lab coat, Ichigo swung him around, using the momentum to send him careening through the clinic's side door.

"Go bother Karin and Yuzu, you crazy bastard!" Ichigo yelled after him.

He scratched his neck absently. One of these days he's gonna pay for all his crazy shit… Turning back around, he took in Renji's slightly dazed expression. "So… that's your old man, huh," the shinigami muttered. Not quite a question. Ironically, Ichigo couldn't help a small flash of pride. Leave it to Isshin to creep out battle-hardened shinigami vice captains who had been alive for hundreds of years.

But that didn't change the fact a battle-hardened shinigami vice captain was in his house.

"You never said why the hell you're here," he said.

Renji shot him a look. Shrugged. Glanced around the room. "Just visiting. Kinda bored."

Ichigo glared. Right. Rukia nearly got sent to prison for twenty years for staying in the human world because she was drained of her power and Renji is… just visiting. "Like I believe that shit, you lying bastard." He opened his mouth to demand an answer, but Renji was no longer standing in front of him.

"I told ya, I'm bored. And I got more leeway with doing what I want since I'm a lieutenant and all," came the distant reply from somewhere behind him. Ichigo snorted and followed after the other, who was heading towards the living room. He nearly slammed into his back when Renji came to a sudden halt. "That is the biggest damn air freshener I've ever seen!" Ichigo's gaze followed the pointing finger, up to the Christmas tree sitting in the corner, squashed between a chair and the TV.

"What the fuck are you talking about, idiot? That's a Christmas tree. You know, the holiday? With the tree, and the lights, and the fat man in red who gives out presents?"

Renji turned to look at him. He didn't say anything for a long moment. And then finally: "You humans are fucked up. Trees are for forests, not for houses. Who the hell came up with the idea of putting one in your house and wrapping popcorn around it, huh? That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen."

You guys are the ones living behind the Great Wall of China, in a giant spiritual bio dome…

Crossing his arms, Ichigo shrugged. "Whatever. Why don't you go read up on human holidays to keep you busy? Now get out of my house."

Renji had the nerve to sneer, and crossed his arms in mockery of Ichigo's surly position. "Hey, your old man asked me to stay for dinner. Maybe I'll take him up on that. After all the time you spent freeloading in Soul Society, I think you owe me one."

They glared at each other.

There came a tentative tap on the living room doorway. Yuzu was standing there, glancing back and forth between them, a little unsure. Karin stood behind her, a half-eaten candy cane hanging out of her mouth. She zeroed in on Renji, giving him a long look. "Who's your friend, Ichi? Is he… lost?" she asked, glancing back at Ichigo.

Of course, Karin's ability to sense spirits was refining itself everyday. She could probably tell Renji wasn't a human. But he definitely wasn't some errant soul waiting for a soul burial.

"He's not my friend," Ichigo grumbled. "And he's not lost. He's just… stalking me for a while, that's all. His name's Renji, but you can call him Mr. Stuck-up Bastard if you want."

Renji coughed something that sounded like 'fuck you, asshole', but covered it up with a round of throat clearing.

The answer seemed to put Karin a little more at ease. She pointed the gnawed piece of candy at him. "We came to tell you dinner's ready, so you'd better hurry if you wanna eat." She popped it back into her mouth and dragged a still wide-eyed Yuzu off towards the kitchen.

Ichigo nodded over his shoulder at his unwelcome guest. "Look, I don't know why you're here, but I haven't sensed any Hollows around or anything. If the city's not gonna be attacked or something, then I guess you can stay. If you want. I mean, the food'll probably kill you, but you're already dead, so what do you have to worry about?"

Renji took a moment to ponder his answer, idly straightening his bandana. "Yeah, well, got nowhere else to be," he said through a yawn. He then jabbed a finger in Ichigo's direction. "But I'm still gonna kick your ass for that stuck-up bastard crack, you hear?"

Maybe this Christmas won't be so bad if I get to beat this guy's face in. Again.

"Whatever."

Dinner wasn't as bad as Ichigo expected. There was frozen pie thawing on the counter, but Karin had ordered take-out from a little place open on the holidays before Isshin got the chance to raid the freezer, so they sat around the table eating… pizza, of all things.

Ichigo had mercy on Renji and sat with Isshin on one side of the table, while he was put in between Yuzu and Karin on the other. The shinigami seemed to have a talent in participating in two conversations at once: Yuzu was nattering on about everything and anything at all, glad to talk to someone who wasn't quite so grouchy as Ichigo, and Karin, who was pegging him with questions that all danced around the major one, 'Are you or are you not a spirit?' (Renji deflected them with ease, seeing as how a gigai only gave off so much of an aura, one that resembled Ichigo's no less.)

Isshin tried to join in several times, but Ichigo silenced him with an elbow in the gut. As much as he'd like to see Renji try to defend himself against the horror that was his birth father, Ichigo wasn't that much of a sadist. Really.

When they were finished, Ichigo made a quick exit before he got shanghaied into washing dishes, and half-way up the stairs to his room discovered that Renji had followed him. "Hey, who the hell said you could come up here?"

His companion leaned back on the banister and gave him a dry look. "Just curious to see Rukia's old living quarters is all."

"I am not putting you up for the night. If you need a place to stay, you can bunk up with that sandal hat guy."

Renji rolled his eyes, pushing past him, and peeking into the few rooms in the upstairs hall until he found what was obviously Ichigo's room. Said owner stormed past him and planted himself in the threshold, barring the way. "No way. Go back downstairs."

Renji wasn't listening. He pointed up above Ichigo's head. "What the hell is that?"

Ichigo glanced up. There was a sprig of mistletoe dangling above his head, taped to the doorway. Yuzu had probably gone around hanging them up around the house, and Karin just hadn't gotten around to ripping this one down yet.

He sighed. "It's mistletoe. Usually boyfriends and girlfriends do that sort of thing, because when two people stand under it, they have to kiss each other."

Renji had gone back to reclining against the wall and looking bored.

The mistletoe was suddenly yanked off the doorway and was sailing down the hall to land in a sad pile near the stairs.

Ichigo stared. Renji shrugged.

"What? Just another stupid tradition by you humans. If you wanna kiss someone, then do it, don't wait for some stupid plant to be hanging over your head."

Ichigo snorted and turned into his room, picking up his blanket from the floor and tossing it back onto his bed. He couldn't help but be amused that someone else shared his sentiments… well, at least the hating mistletoe part.

He turned back to the other. "So, you -"

The next word was muffled by something hard and warm against his lips. The rest died of completely when he realized there were lips on his lips, and breath on his face, and what the fucking hell?

Renji pulled back. Couldn't have been more than a second.

Still. It was enough to stupefy his motor skills.

It was silent for a long, long moment.

Finally, Ichigo attempted speech.

"What -" and Ichigo was so very thankful his voice didn't crack like a twelve-year-old boy getting his first kiss on the cheek by a girl on the playground "- the hell was that?"

Renji rolled one shoulder in a lazy shrug. "Dunno. Felt like it." His face didn't betray a thing. In fact, he looked even more bored than ever.

If his neurons hadn't been misfiring at the time, Ichigo might've been insulted. Instead, all he could feel is a distant sort of shock, the kind a person gets after they've been knocked to the ground by a soccer ball to the back of the head, wondering dumbly how the hell they ended up eating daisies. He could feel his mouth working up the courage for further speech, but it chickened out at the last minute and twitched downward into his familiar scowl of annoyance.

The shinigami raised an eyebrow at that. "What? You never been kissed before or something? Or…" he grinned slowly, eyebrows doing a funky jig on his forehead, "maybe you just like me. Is that it?"

Huh? Wha? Had he taken a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in backwards land? The bastard had just turned around and kissed him - kissed him, lips on lips and everything! - and he had the nerve to accuse Ichigo of… of…

Renji wasn't privy to the depth of Ichigo's eternal strife, so he kept talking, gesturing lazily with a hand. "Yep, shoulda known. Can't keep your hands off me, can y -"

"What?"

"How long you plan on keeping this from Rukia? She's not a big fan of surprises, y'know."

"… What?"

"I mean, who woulda thought Kurosaki Ichigo was a fairy boy?"

"You kissed me. You kissed m -"

"Don't be a coward and deny it. Hey, I bet you and Kira would get along great." He laughed. "I'll do ya a favor and introduce you."

Ichigo was pretty sure his brain had self-destructed in the first two seconds of being kissed by goddamn Abarai Renji, but it didn't stop him from stepping forward into the other's space and shaking him by the front of his hideous shirt. "Just what the hell are you talking about? One, you kissed me. And two, I'm not… I'm not… You know what I mean! And even if I was - which I'm not - it definitely wouldn't be with you! Got that?" Ichigo sucked in air through his clenched teeth. Renji, typically, hardly batted an eyelash.

The redhead shifted his gaze from the hand fisted in his shirt, holding him forward so Ichigo could comfortably scream in his face, and back up to Ichigo. He tilted his head to the side. Ichigo ignored the awkward view he got of the other shinigami's neck and collarbone.

"What's the matter? You look a little flushed," Renji said. The expression of bland ignorance fell off his face; leaning in even closer, his typical wicked humor and arrogance flickered up in his sharp eyes. "What's the matter?" he asked again, and his voice dropped into a low and rumbling murmur. The little part of himself that was screaming 'DANGER!' did nothing to stop Ichigo from staring dumbly. Oh my god. The egg nog's made him go batshit crazy. "Was it really your first?"

Ichigo blinked. What? "Eh?"

"Your first kiss, dumbass," Renji said, and he moved in so close Ichigo could see the detailing of his tattoos move along his skin when the other rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Uh… maybe?" Ichigo immediately wished he could punch himself in the face, which he could have… if, oddly enough, his hand wasn't still closed around Renji's top. That little part of himself was no longer telling him to run away screaming, but was now muttering something that sounded like 'so fucking screwed'.

"Maybe, huh?"

And then there was a hard grip on his arm, keeping him from pulling away, and Renji's mouth was back to forging new relations with his, warm, dry lips pressing boldly. Ichigo did little more than inwardly reel at the taste of cinnamon. His bottom lip was tugged once before the other pulled away -

And the damn bastard was already halfway across the room before Ichigo could do as much as squawk indignantly.

Renji tossed a glance over his shoulder just as he was about to slip out the door. "Heh, it's been a real laugh, but duty calls. When's the next human holiday? Valentine's Day or whatever? Maybe I'll drop by if I got the time. Later."

He was walking down the stairs when Ichigo finally registered that the bastard had just basically invited himself over again, and by the time Ichigo barrelled down the stairs after him - ready to dish out some well-deserved punishment - he was long gone.

After a moment of glaring down the front door, he slowly made his way back into his room. Sitting down on his bed, he shook his head in denial.

Obviously I'm having a nightmare. Any second now I'll wake up and -

A batch of mistletoe smacked him in the face.

"Ha! Ha! Ichigo got kissed! Kissed by a shinigami! That's too damn funny!" Kon cackled from the doorway. "I'm telling nee-san!"

Ichigo bared his teeth and glowered down at the mistletoe from his doorway, emblazoned with a golden MERRY CHRISTMAS along the leaves.

"… Goddamn it, I hate Christmas!"

Kon snickered obnoxiously from somewhere down the hall.