NaNoWriMo 2008
~Teaser-Preface~
~Discord~
It had been a late night at the clinic, and dark by the time Akihiro came to drive home. He'd messaged his apologies to Yukari, telling her she'd probably have to walk home tonight. Either that or wait around for hours, and which was the more miserable choice? He hated letting her down like that, but knew that she'd recover. Nonetheless, he felt the need to treat her, to try to go some small way towards making it up to her; he stopped off at the convenience store on the way home, picking up some of her favourite snacks and treats. He saw an arrangement of soft toys near the automatic door and deliberated for a short while before choosing a pink rabbit with a cute face, smiling at his purchase as he left. Was this possibly what parenthood might be like? (He couldn't smile at that.)
He was putting the things onto the passenger seat and arranging them so that they wouldn't fall as he drove, when he felt the phone in his pocket vibrate. Yukari was first on his mind; it still vibrated as he took it out of his pocket, telling him that it was a call rather than a message. Why would she be phoning? Maybe to see when he was coming back home, but surely she knew he'd either be still at work or driving back, neither being a suitable situation in which to collect a call. Nonetheless, he supposed that while he was still parked, he could only answer. He went to press the button without thinking about it, only pausing when he saw the name flashing up on the display.
Shin.
Akihiro hesitated for a few moments, but the vibration didn't stop. Whatever reason Shin had found to justify calling him at this time, he certainly seemed determined about it. With a sigh, Akihiro pressed the button.
"What do you want, Nishimura?"
His reply was a breathy chuckle, which evened out into heavy breathing. Akihiro leant back in the seat, having a bad feeling that this was going to be one of those calls.
"... Jinguuji, is that any way to talk to someone you've not spoken to for so long...?"
"You never call unless you're after something. So, what do you want?"
"Liar."
"Prove me wrong, then. Am I to believe that the terribly successful popular singer Nishimura Shin phoned me up just to see how I was doing?"
"You never know. How are you then, Jinguuji? What are you doing at the moment?"
Another sigh. Akihiro wondered why he even entertained the pretence of conversation through to this point, let alone further. "... Fine, whatever. Got out of work late. We had a tricky operation to do on a cat, then had a lot of filing to do. Since I'm late, I've just got done buying snacks for my little sister from the convenience store on the way back to my place. I'm sure, compared to the life of popstar fame and fortune you're living, you find my life positively enthralling."
"Hmm~, well, it's interesting to see how the other half live, I suppose..."
"Fuck off."
"No. Anyway, Jinguuji, ask me what I'm doing."
"I don't particularly care."
"Just ask me."
Akihiro pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering if it'd be worth getting the onigiri he'd bought for himself out of the bag and just eating it in the car, if Shin was going to be this infuriating. "... What. Are you. Doing."
"Getting my cock sucked by a gorgeous model. I--"
Bip. Akihiro hung up the phone and threw it down against the passenger seat. Another sigh, deep and heavy. Somehow, Shin's behaviour always surprised him, even after years of acting like this. Had he really expected Shin to phone with any valid reason, with any reason that wouldn't be teasing or boasting? And then was that slight jealous pain, which Akihiro never knew how to cope with. Even now, after all these years, he still got jealous of the things that Shin got up to. Even now! He smiled bitterly at his own stupidity, getting that onigiri out of the carrier bag. Even if Shin wasn't going to be sensible, there was no reason why he couldn't be. The usual question on anybody's lips after that was so why haven't you got together with Katsuragi yet, Akihiro?... It was a valid question.
On almost all levels, Keigo was practically perfect for anybody, Akihiro thought. Endlessly loyal and patient, caring in his own quiet sort of way, he was just... Akihiro couldn't think of a bad thing about him, except perhaps for his thing for Yoshikuni which still didn't seem to have abated. Keigo still kept in touch with Yoshikuni as much as he did Akihiro it seemed, that loyalty based in school still stretching out through all these years. Akihiro couldn't forgive Yoshikuni for the things he'd done through their schooldays, but if it'd make Keigo any happier he just wished that Yoshikuni would relent, already. It was either going to be Yoshikuni or Akihiro and all Akihiro could think was it can't be me. It can't be me.
The phone rang again. Akihiro left it, pulling the packaging away from his onigiri. Grilled salmon was always the best.
The phone still rang. Akihiro still ignored it.
The phone went to voicemail. Akihiro continued to ignore it until his phone lay still, only the dim screen telling him of his voicemail status. Taking a bite out of the onigiri, Akihiro held the phone to his ear and listened to whatever it was that Shin felt he had the need to say. Surely better to listen to him than to be involved in two-way conversation.
"... Jinguuji... oh, Jinguuji... how cruel of you, hanging up so quickly--! I was only stating fact, after all. I mean, I wouldn't lie to you, or anything." Shin's voice became somewhat distant, as if he were holding the phone away from his mouth. "Say hello--!" Louder again, "Seems he doesn't want to, shame. How about a picture, then? Shall I send a picture?--... Oh wait, he's not keen on that either. Oh well. Come on, pick up the phone, it's no fun if I'm only talking to myself, here..."
It cut off, after that. Akihiro stared at his phone for a few moments, wondering what to do. He could phone Shin back, or at least wait for Shin to phone back - and he would phone back - so as to not waste any of his own credit on pursuing this pointless line of conversation. Or he could make his way back home, ignore Shin's calls, and make things up with Yukari for being late. The latter seemed the far more practical answer; Akihiro turned his phone off and left it on the passenger seat, finished off his onigiri and set about driving home.
On getting home, Yukari was overjoyed to see her big brother as she ever was. Even happier at the treats Akihiro had brought home, loving the snacks but not as much as she loved the 'bunny-chan'. Akihiro set about making dinner as she emphasised her happiness, he smiled as he chopped vegetables. There was just something nice about having this kind of domestic situation, even if it was slightly unorthodox. While also working, Keigo didn't keep a full-time job as Akihiro did (being a former member of Seirei's Student Council, it seemed inevitable that his television work would take off, leading into book deals and the like. He did well for himself.) and often said that he'd take care of Yukari, if Akihiro wanted him to. Cook dinner for both Jinguuji siblings if Akihiro was going to be late home. It was a nice suggestion, but Akihiro had never taken Keigo up on it. He didn't mind doing the various household chores himself, and being late just meant he got to spoil Yukari once he got home. He didn't like to leave her too late, but she seemed to understand. It wasn't as if she was too young to be left on her own for a few hours at the end of the day anymore.
They ate dinner and then watched television afterwards, catching up with the latest episode of the drama that Yukari was following. Akihiro didn't follow it nearly so closely, but didn't mind watching such things with her. As far as he could tell, it was something about impossibly pretty men caught up in some line of work and causing trivial misunderstandings for each other, or something. It seemed to be popular with teenage girls at the moment but then, he figured, anything featuring that amount of pretty men was surely going to be. In any case, the most important thing was that Yukari enjoyed it, which she certainly seemed to. It seemed that there was some big event for that show coming up later in the month, she'd asked Akihiro if the both of them could go. He had no reason not to and was a little curious as to what went on at these things, and so agreed to go along. Anything they could do together, he enjoyed. They shared the snacks in front of the television.
Not too long after the drama finished, Yukari went up to her bedroom. It was a little early to be thinking about sleeping, but it seemed that she had homework to do. Akihiro smiled and said he'd help with anything she didn't understand; she laughed and said that wouldn't be necessary. It usually wasn't; unlike Akihiro when he'd been at school, Yukari was quite dedicated to her studies and always seemed to do well in them. Sometimes Akihiro would look over her work, and was always impressed by it. He was glad to see her doing so well for herself. All the more reason to keep away from the Student Council.
He stayed up to watch television for a little, getting a beer or two from the fridge and drinking them while watching the news. After he was done with those, he supposed that there wasn't anything keeping him awake; he had work in the morning, sleep seemed sensible.
Upstairs in his bedroom, Akihiro put his phone on the cabinet next to the bed, then remembering that he'd turned it off earlier in the evening. Feeling a mild sense of curiosity, he turned it back on; as usual, his inbox was flooded with contact from Shin. Seven text messages telling him of seven voicemails. Akihiro sat on the edge of the bed, having taken off his shirt but not his trousers. He listened in as the automatic service told him that he had new messages, and what buttons to press to listen in on them, delete them, et cetera. He went to listen to the first one; more heavy breathing. He deleted it without listening to much more. The timestamps of the next five seemed fairly close together; he listened to the sixth, confirming his thoughts. He deleted all but the last one, which only seemed to have come in about twenty minutes ago. He paused before listening to it; that would be the apology, wouldn't it? He pressed the button to listen to it.
Shin's voice was quiet and low, but for a different reason than before. Akihiro's heart sunk, knowing that tone. He could never just apologise, could he?
"... Jinguuji, I--... I'm sorry. Earlier, I shouldn't have left all those messages. You don't have to listen to them. You probably didn't. ...You're probably not listening to this one, either. ...Haha, isn't that the worst kind of apology, one that nobody listens to? I guess I can't blame you. I mean, why should you listen to me? I just keep doing this. I'm always doing this. I'm always doing this, Akihiro--! I'm--... I'm sorry. I shouldn't--... I shouldn't keep doing this to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just--... just forget it. It doesn't matter. None of it matters. You're the one better off, yeah? With your sister and your job and everything. I'm just fucking around, screwing things up for everyone. You don't deserve me bothering you like this all the time. I'll just--... it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, Akihiro. I'm sorry. Night. Bye. I'm really sorry."
Akihiro ran one hand through his hair, falling back against his bed. Moments like these were the same as they'd been since the days at Seirei Gakuen; Shin always putting himself in an unreachable place, then wanting to close the gap too little too late. Akihiro pressed the shortcut buttons that would take him to Shin's number. Every argument - or anything that Shin perceived as being an argument - seemed to lead to the same outcome and Akihiro never stopped worrying until Shin picked up the phone.
"... Hello?"
"It's me."
"... J-Jinguuji..."
"I heard your messages."
"... Ah."
A long, awkward pause. Akihiro continued, "You're okay though, right?"
"... Why ask something like that..."
"Because you've got pretty fucking skilled at making every downcast message sound like your last."
"... I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Akihiro... doing that kind of thing... leaving those messages... I'm so sorry--"
"Just tell me you're okay now and I'll forgive you. If you're lying, I never will."
"I-... I'm--... I'm okay."
Akihiro left a few seconds of silence after that, wondering how far he believed him. Without physically being there with him there was no real way of knowing, but under the circumstances Akihiro supposed that it was unlikely for Shin to lie. "... Right, good. I--... I forgive you."
"... You shouldn't..."
"You're right, I shouldn't." A sigh, "But I always fucking will. So take that as read and don't pull that shit on me again, okay?"
"I'm sorry."
"So you keep saying."
"I--... I love you."
"Don't say that unless you really mean it."
"I... I love you, Akihiro."
Moments like those, Akihiro really wished he could believe Shin. "This would all be a lot easier if you really did, Shin. Okay, you know what, just--... just get some sleep, yeah? It's getting late."
"... Are you mad...?"
"--... I swear, it's like talking to a child sometimes. Of course I'm mad, I get out of work only to be greeted by the sound of you fucking some guy's face. Really brightens my day, you know? Oh wait, it doesn't."
"... D-... don't be angry..."
"Then don't phone me with that kind of thing. See? It's as simple as that. Look, you're halfway across the country. Whoever you want to fuck or get fucked by or whatever-the-fuck, that's no business of mine. You could do half the prefecture and I'd never find out. This many miles, it's pretty easy to keep a secret if you want it kept. So why phone me?"
Silence.
"Why did you phone me, Shin? I want you to tell me."
"... M'sorry..."
"Tell me."
"... Y-you're angry, aren't you..."
"Yes."
"... If--... if you're... if you're angry, then... then you--... you should... hurt me, shouldn't you...?"
Akihiro wiped his wrist over his eyes, realising that he'd gone entirely the wrong route with this conversation. Maybe that kind of tactic worked with actual children, but Shin was the kind of person who would latch onto the punishment as a way of feeling better about the situation, in some masochistic kind of way. The amount of times that Shin had brought knives and such things into school had frightened Akihiro, back then. Even moreso to discover that it wasn't self-harm that Shin was after.
"Shin. Wait. No. Look--... just go to bed, okay? I'm tired. If I'm angry, it'll have passed by the morning. I'm--... I'm just in a bad mood 'cause I'm tired. And you're just getting all upset 'cause you're tired too, I know what you're like. It'll be better in the morning, I promise."
"M-mm..."
"Okay?"
"... 'kihiro..."
"What is it?"
"... Do you love me?"
Akihiro clenched and flexed the fingers of his free hand, knowing this an entirely unfair question in the midst of all of this. The answer to that was, Akihiro knew, where the main problem lay.
"... Yeah, I do. And you're an idiot if you'd not realised that yet."
"... Really...?"
"I wouldn't put up with things like this if I didn't, would I? So you can rest easy knowing I'm painfully and hopelessly in love with you and we can move on from all of this. Tomorrow's a new day, all of that."
"... Painfully..."
"Look, whatever it takes. I'm not kidding about being tired, Shin. Trying to wrap the conversation up, here."
"--... Um..."
"What? This better be leading up to something that ends up with us both nicely saying 'goodnight' to one another."
"... Can--... can I see you...?"
"I don't think so, I'm in my bedroom and you're halfway across the country. You'd need some pretty good binoculars for that."
"I--... I mean, sometime. Sometime soon."
"Sure, if you're willing to make the trip over. I don't got time to spare running here and there on whims, you know."
"... Fine."
"Yeah? Sure, then. Whenever you're free. I mean, weekdays I'm working, but I get weekends, most of the time. Take me when you can get me, basically."
"... Okay..."
"Oh, and not next weekend but the weekend after, I'm taking Yukari to some prettyboy celebrity convention event thing. So that's no good either. But apart from that."
"I'll be over this weekend."
"Yeah? Sure, whatever. Come say hi to my sister, she'd be mortified, it'd be hilarious."
"Mortified...?"
"She's a big fan of yours now, so far as I can fathom. Popular with the girls of Seirei Gakuen, even after all these years... what can I say, you've still got it, haven't you?"
A long silence. Shin continued, his tone a little different, somewhat more brisk.
"... I'm--... I'm really sorry for earlier, Akihiro. I mean that. But, I'll--... I'll see you this weekend...?"
"Uh-huh, I'm not doing anything."
"... Alright. Good. I'll see you then, then."
"Yep."
"Goodnight, Akihiro. A-and... t-thank you. Thank you, Akihiro."
"No problem. 'Night."
Bip.
His room was dark, but Akihiro still stared at the phone in his hand for a few moments after Shin hung up, even once the screen had dimmed to darkness.
"... Still the same, huh..."
It seemed too much to expect Shin to have changed, he supposed. Along the same lines, Akihiro wondered if it was too much to expect for him to change, either. Surely these situations could be avoided were Shin ever more sensible about his dealings, or were Akihiro to not feel so jealous over them... ah, but surely, surely. Nonetheless, the jealousy was something Akihiro didn't know how to avoid nor how to help, and maybe it was the same for Shin? Maybe this was just the kind of routine they'd fallen into.
Before Shin visited at the weekend, there were still days of routine to work through. Akihiro tried to put the matter to the back of his mind, getting ready for bed.
end