NaNoWriMo 2008

~Teaser-Preface~

~Left Behind~

Somewhere between those past schooldays and this present day, Makoto had changed.

Anybody, Ichii supposed, could tell that. At the same time, he was quite sure that they'd notice how he'd changed, also. The closest witness to it all, of course, was Mizuki; just to think of him, Ichii couldn't help but feel guilty. They'd all been innocent to some degree and maybe to another they'd all been guilty, too. However, Ichii had never been able to paint Mizuki with that same brush.

His days had fallen into a calm routine. The former routine of school changed into the newer routine of university, which fell behind and became the normal routine of work. Ichii stood behind the counter and stared out of the wide pane of glass, wondering if this was where he'd planned to be; not really. What had he aimed for? He wasn't sure. In the past, he'd often had dreams of making people laugh, maybe working on a stand-up routine, but now he wondered how far that was his own desire and how far such an expectation had really just been projected onto him. He'd always been the joker of the pack, so why not aim for something like that? Back during those hazy school days where the future seemed so far away, anything had seemed possible, or not.

Then of course, those more immediate things had happened. Yoshikuni had happened. Makoto was so forgiving, Ichii didn't see himself quite the same. Yoshikuni had plainly, in his eyes, ruined everything. That change that people commented on, Ichii ascribed to Yoshikuni. Every point of trouble between their first year of Seirei Gakuen and now, Ichii ascribed to Yoshikuni. He'd never quite known what it meant to hate somebody until he'd found himself on the Student Council. At Makoto's behest. Because of Yoshikuni. It was all because of Yoshikuni.

A customer came into the shop, the bell on the door ringing Ichii into attention. He switched on his smile, blocked out his thoughts. The customer wanted four loaves of bread; fine. Ichii still smiled as the customer paid, issuing a cheery parting comment as they left. The customer returned that, waving. The customers liked it when Ichii was on the till; he's always so happy, they said. Always so helpful! Ichii tried his hardest and if that was what they all said of him, that was fine. If they believed the front he put up, that was as much as he needed. He waited until the end of his shift and then went home alone.

It had taken Ichii to this point to realise that things rarely happened the way one wished. In his mind, back at school, it had all been simple; before the first year of Seirei Gakuen, he'd barely given more than a passing thought to the matter of his future. Then Makoto made his confession, firming his place as an element in this consideration; whatever thoughts of the future were made now contained two people - Ichii's aims ran alongside Makoto's desires and the two of them, Ichii had believed at the time, were determined to plan things out so as to work in parallel.

(And then, Yoshikuni.)

Beyond all of that, it was only the expected thing that Makoto would pursue his career in his specialist field. His father was a chef, his mother ran a shop for cookery equipment, Makoto had held summer jobs at Hiro's coffee house for as long as Ichii could remember; it was only natural that life beyond Seirei would lead to the best culinary colleges, studying under some of the country's best chefs, such as was to be expected of a former leader of Seirei Gakuen's Student Council. Makoto took to that as well as anybody would have expected him to, but then was the sting in the tail; Hiro planned to branch out into owning a chain of restaurants. That was fine. He wanted Makoto as his head chef; that was fine, too. Relating in to Makoto's family history, they wished to have branches in Europe. It'll be a wonderful experience--! Travelling the world, getting to specialise in different cuisines, who would miss such a chance--?... Not Makoto. Ichii was happy for him. Wasn't that kind of thing that Makoto had always dreamt of?

It wasn't even that it was a matter of work being more important than their relationship, more that the latter had never been a threat to the former in the first place. Makoto had, for as long as Ichii had known him, excelled in cooking. Who was it who had made Ichii's boxed lunch for school every day? Ichii would have been surprised had the outcome been any different. But at the same time, they had their own problems; the events of Seirei Gakuen had taken their toll and Ichii wasn't sure what to think, anymore. Makoto still loved him as much as he ever had and Ichii wanted to love Makoto in return, but just couldn't be sure if the Makoto he now know was still the one he'd originally fallen in love with; there was nothing to be done about this, but Ichii still felt dissatisfied. Yoshikuni still felt like such a threat, even years out of Seirei Gakuen, and Ichii had failed his last year at university. After everything, Makoto had blamed himself; retaking that last year coincided with Makoto leaving the country.

"... Maybe I'm only distracting you. Maybe you'd be better off if I wasn't around. I--... I don't want to leave you, Ichii-kun, I never want to leave you, but... maybe... if you concentrated on university, and I worked with Hiro... maybe we'd both get a chance to relax?"

Secretly, Ichii wasn't too sure how far this was really the case. Once they were both at college and university, timetables had meant they'd seen little of each other as it was. Makoto phoned every day and Ichii always spoke to him, but felt very aware of the growing distance between them. He had a life, now, that Makoto didn't know about. So too did Makoto have his own life, elsewhere in the country. They talked of their respective lives and detailed each other all about them, but that didn't negate the fact that they were different, now. Makoto had such high aims; Ichii felt that those last years at Seirei had decimated his sense of humour. He didn't know what he wanted to do anymore, other than try to be happy for Makoto's achievements.

When they met, they were as close as ever they were, though Ichii couldn't help but feel this more through Makoto's insistence than anything natural. They didn't see each other often, so surely they had to try hard when they did see each other--! And Ichii did try, but it was difficult. Because they were different now. Because Makoto had been changing since the first year of Seirei Gakuen, had changed in directions Ichii hadn't been able to follow. And he was still the kind and gentle Makoto that everybody loved, but Ichii knew different and couldn't shake those memories, even while presented with Makoto's genuine smile. Especially when presented by his genuine smile.

Perhaps, he thought, these were just the trials of a long-distance relationship. Makoto still seemed to rely on him and he didn't know what he felt anymore. However, if there wasn't Makoto, who else would there be?... Maybe someone else. Anybody else. Was it fine, to try to form relationships with people completely unrelated to those days? Who didn't know, who couldn't know, who would never be told? Ichii wasn't sure. He never sought such company and refused it when it was offered. He still had Makoto. Those binds tied everything. He still had Makoto.

Makoto didn't phone as often, now. International calls were expensive. He wrote, though. Ichii kept the letters in a box underneath his bed. Still so enthusiastic and happy about his situation, Ichii couldn't read those letters and resent Makoto his choice. This had been the right path to follow, hadn't it? Makoto planned to return to Japan, though he didn't know when. They were still establishing themselves in France, but business was doing well. He had relatives there too, relatives he hadn't seen in years; Makoto sent photos. They all looked happy.

Part of Ichii couldn't help but resent that happiness, though. That was a happiness that didn't need him to exist, wasn't it...? Sometimes, he thought along those lines. Makoto knew what he wanted to do and so was doing it, drawing happiness from such decisions. Ichii didn't have the first clue what he wanted to do with himself even as he was doing it, and being presented by Makoto's happiness only seemed to compound this.

However.

More than that, Ichii knew how much of Makoto's happiness rested with him. Felt the weight of that now more than ever. Through those dark days of Seirei Gakuen, he'd been Makoto's reason, Makoto's justification; he couldn't forgive himself for that. He couldn't bring himself to blame Makoto and so he blamed himself. In Makoto's mind, everything was fine because Ichii-kun loves me. Because I love Ichii-kun. Because we're together, that's stronger than anything. And Ichii admired Makoto for believing such things so wholeheartedly, but also stood amazed at Makoto's propensity towards repeating words so often he believed them without backing them up with reason or action. That one fact, that they were together, justified everything (in Makoto's mind). Whatever else happened, it didn't matter, because his love for Ichii was the most important thing. He said that so often that Ichii found himself believing too, but in a despairing sort of fashion. Makoto thought himself so justified in his beliefs that there was nothing to be done to shake him loose, no way to convince him that his actions were wrong.

Following Yoshikuni was fine because I love Ichii so much that I feel guilty, therefore Wada-senpai punishes me.

Receiving Yoshikuni's punishment was fine because this is betraying Ichii-kun, therefore I'm wrong and unforgivable, and therefore need to be punished.

Sleeping with other people was fine because those other people aren't Ichii, and therefore they don't matter.

Ichii didn't agree, but Makoto was so desperate in his arguments that it was hard to deny him. More than anybody, Ichii knew that. And back then, everything had felt so crowded - those remaining from the old Student Council inflicted their own ways onto the junior three. Yoshikuni still visited, to make sure his will was still being carried out (and Makoto carried it out without question). Makoto changed into this unpredictable being Ichii couldn't understand, Mizuki worked himself into a pressured depression through their 'duties' and Ichii didn't know how to cope with it, any of it.

And still, Makoto insisted that he loved him. More than anything, that was his unbroken, unshakeable belief. And sometimes Ichii would think of it and think that it was unfair, that he'd been sucked in to something that was in his best interests to escape from, but wasn't that the situation now? Makoto was out of the country, halfway across the world. They still lived separate lives and those days of Seirei Gakuen were now so far back that maybe even their effect was diminishing, slightly. And maybe it would have been fine to find someone else, someone else not connected to it all and who didn't know, who didn't need to know, but when those desires rose Ichii would banish them from his mind.

I wouldn't do that to you, Mako.

... I'm not like you.

end