NaNoWriMo 2008

~Teaser-Preface~

~Wavering Notes~

Akihiro was used to not being questioned about things. Was used to not answering when asked.

However, when Yukari had come home that time to him in his bedroom, sat reading while the stereo gave some background noise, she'd stood in the doorway and smiled.

"Oniichan... is this the kind of music you like?"

He'd looked up at that, mildly curious, as was his usual expression to questions like that. Playing on the stereo was, as was his norm, the music of Nishimura Shin. Always Shin's music. He didn't think he'd ever made it a particular secret what he usually listened to, just that nobody in the house had ever really paid it any attention. Was this the kind of music that he liked? He wasn't sure if he could say he particularly liked or disliked any kind of music; at least, he didn't feel enough one way or the other to be able to make any definite kind of decision. He liked this music, but was it a particular type? Shin had hopped from genre to genre across his career. This one was a gentle piano piece, notable for being quite different to what some might consider his 'usual' fare. He stared at Yukari for a few moments, thinking this over. She hadn't asked the question in such a complicated way, after all; likely she was just making conversation.

Akihiro shrugged, "I don't mind it."

She'd padded into his bedroom and gone up to the stereo system, to the lined-up CDs next to it. She took the empty CD case she recognised as being the one that Akihiro was listening to and turned it over in her hands, looking at the front and back and slipping the cover booklet out, flipping through it, putting the case to one side. Akihiro carried on reading his book as she did so; he wasn't trying to hide anything with his choice of music.

"Oniichan's liked this music for a long time, right?"

"... Hm?"

"Oh, come on--! Don't you remember? That time, back when I was a kid, when we were playing in the park and he came over. You and him were pretty familiar with each other! And I'm sure when I was even younger, I remember seeing him around here sometimes... you knew him pretty well, didn't you?"

Akihiro closed his eyes, restraining himself from telling Yukari that she still was a kid, really. "Not particularly."

She ignored this, "My friends at school would be sooo jealous if they knew my brother knew the great Nishimura Shin--! I was always aware of him since you were always listening to him, but then he seemed to get really popular... he's a big name, now! Do you still talk to him?"

On a question like that, Akihiro could only give a terse answer. "No."

"Hm, that's a shame... you could have invited him over again! Though I don't know how I'd react if you did... aaah, maybe it's better that you don't, that'd be so embarrassing--! Nishimura Shin, coming to our house! To see oniichan! And I'd be here too! And I'd be able to meet him! Oh oh oh oh oh, I don't know what I'd dooo..."

Akihiro casually flipped a page in his book, "Didn't you just say it yourself, that you remember meeting him when you were younger? The great Nishimura Shin saw you when you were all pigtails and pink wellingtons, isn't that far more embarrassing?"

At that, Yukari flung the CD case in Akihiro's direction; the corner hit him in the side. "Kyaa--! Oniichan, you're mean, saying things like that--!" She ran from the room, half-slamming the door behind her. Akihiro only looked up with a light smile playing over his lips; she seemed to be turning into such a girl, all of a sudden. However, she was of that age, such things were to be expected...

More interesting, he thought, was the implication that Shin was still popular with the students at Seirei Gakuen. They were now a long way away from where they'd started - Akihiro even remembered middle school, Shin being that slightly awkward student in the year below who was looking to start a band; come Seirei Gakuen itself, of course, it hadn't taken very long for him to be a force of popularity, playing the Live House so often and filling it every time... but that was so different to how things were now. Back then, it had all been--... not so much a hobby as per se, but Shin had still been finding his feet, experimenting with style and trying to make a name for himself. One of the success stories of the area, it hadn't taken him too long to manage that, and now, years later, he was still fashionable for young teenagers to be interested in? Akihiro turned another page. If that was the case, he found it rather heartwarming. It didn't matter what Shin was actually like and the infuriating ways in which he could behave; his music was the outward presentiment to his feelings and so long as that was what the public wanted, he was safe. Akihiro made a noise of amusement, thinking this over. So long as they never find out what that idiot's really like, he's fine.

He told Yukari that he didn't have contact with Shin anymore because it was the easiest lie to feed. To say that they didn't talk anymore... that wasn't strictly true, but then, Akihiro didn't know if 'talk' was the best word for what they did on the occasions that they did get together, either. Shin had a powerful voice and sung beautiful sentiment through his songs, but that was only his outward persona. Akihiro had been aware of Shin since middle school and had known him personally since Seirei Gakuen; he knew the Shin who could be irritating and selfish, promiscuous and teasing... he knew the Shin who would say cruel things with the sole intent of causeing a reaction, knew the Shin who had an ego the size of a planet and who would lie low and wounded were it to be given even the slightest nudge of negativity. Like that, Akihiro was rather glad that Shin's career had taken off - he almost dreaded to think what Shin's behaviour would be like otherwise.

He knew the Shin who had needed him, too. Through those fractious high-school days. The Shin who would act so cruelly and then come back with extreme apology, with desperation, with need. Did that version of him still exist? Akihiro supposed that they were far enough apart now for such things to be resigned to memory, but he'd hear those new songs and wonder. He'd known back then, but not so much, these days. What was the Nishimura Shin behind these new songs really like?... Akihiro still had Shin's number on his mobile phone (something he kept secret from Yukari). If he really wanted to, he could phone Shin up. He rarely did, if ever. He knew it would have surprised his younger self to know that it was now more likely for Shin to make the first move, that he'd come to his phone after work and find message after message, missed calls, entries left on his voicemail...

Shin was the kind of person, Akihiro had learnt, who seemed to ignore people until he needed them. After so long Akihiro felt that he was used to this behaviour, but that didn't make it any easier when Shin was needing and felt that Akihiro was the person that he needed. Akihiro had taken this mantle during their time at Seirei Gakuen, barely even knowing what he was getting himself into; back then, Shin had needed him, needed him so much. These feelings seemed to carry through to the present day; Shin was popular and successful now and could do anything with anybody if he so desired, but that didn't stop him always coming back down to Akihiro when he felt he really needed to. They don't matter, he'd say. You're the only one who knows who I am. Only you really know me, Akihiro--!

His teenage self, Akihiro knew, would have been secretly delighted by such confessions. Even his adult self couldn't help the slight frisson of excitement, but he knew now that he didn't have so much time for such things. Shin was working across the country and busy all the time, trying to request Akihiro in his spare moments. Akihiro had a full-time job to attend to, not to mention a teenage sister to look after. His life had been overtaken by the domestic; he didn't have time for whimsical desire, not anymore.

He missed that.

Sometimes, driving home from the practice, Yukari asleep in the back, Akihiro would idly remember those times. Would remember the seasons leading into summer, where the days seemed to stretch long into the night. Remembered the autumn days and the winter days, where the night seemed to close in before anybody could realise. When just as they were leaving school, the sky was already blossoming into the colours of sunset. Sometimes he'd wait around for the crowds to disperse, walk through the empty school. Go to the fountain, see if there was anybody there. See if Shin was there. If he wasn't, Akihiro would walk around to the music block, peer through the windows. Sometimes he'd be there. Akihiro would pull a window open and listen, secretly (though he had the feeling that Shin always knew).

Sometimes, rather than there, Shin would be at the Live House. Naturally. He spent most of his schooldays going there in the evenings, for rehearsals and practice and smoothing out the kinks for the latest performance. Akihiro had no memory of any performance ever being anything less than perfect, but supposed that that was only the end result of all the work that Shin had put into his band in the first place. And for all his lethargy around school, for his sulky attitude when he wasn't concerned with performing, Shin did put a lot of work into the band, more than Akihiro felt he would ever have initially suspected.

And sometimes there, he'd play alone. He'd play alone, and Akihiro would stand in the shadows and listen.

Shin didn't play the piano much; when it came to performing on-stage, the guitar or just his voice was more his chosen weapon. Akihiro didn't know much about Shin's talents - he could sing and he could play the guitar, but what else was there? Well, clearly there was the piano...

Shin would play into the night with tunes that Akihiro didn't recognise, notes that drew him in. The lonely sound of one note pressed against the silence. Those stolen moments felt more real and vulnerable than all of Shin's pleading ever had; Akihiro never dared approach, but would sometimes think of what would happen if he did. If, in those silent charged moments, he could just go up behind Shin and hold him, say nothing, feel everything. However, he knew that such things, on the whole, could only ever be dreamt. Were Shin really to know him there and watching, the music would die immediately and they'd be reduced to sarcastic comments and weak sniping once more. But sometimes, just sometimes, Akihiro felt that Shin wanted that same sort of thing. Those times when he was too tired to be angry, too desperate to hide behind sharp comments. Just sometimes was that hint of promise and on that hint, back then, Akihiro had built everything.

The problem was, that Shin hadn't changed since those times. It was possible that he still held those moments of silence, but they were too far away from each other to know anymore. Instead was the same antagonistic attitude he'd always employed, and it had been that long that Akihiro didn't feel he understood why anymore (if he ever had). Perhaps Shin was just relying on an old habit; he had no way of knowing. Back then, there had been glimmers of hope, small occasions that made Akihiro believe. Those glimmers had been too small; they weren't enough. Real life had got in the way, and Shin was just as he ever was. And sometimes Akihiro had had fantasies of the two of them running off together, throwing darts at a map and driving until the road ran out, but then (for Akihiro at least) there had been his mother, his education, his sister, his job... he didn't think Shin had such priorities other than the band, but there had always been the band. And maybe like that he was stuck, but Akihiro felt too busy to try to free him. Sometimes he wondered if he should feel guilty for that. Sometimes he did. Sometimes he didn't. Sometimes he just wished that Shin would drag himself into the real world, for once.

Shin wasn't that kind of person, though. The real world rarely seemed to apply to him. That was perhaps, Akihiro thought, what made him so attractive. Kept there in that kind of bubble, he'd try to issue the occasional transmission, reaching out and back towards Akihiro. For his part, Akihiro knew that he'd always admire that space from a distance, feeling Shin's desire but not enough to do anything about it. If anything was to be done now, then it was up to Shin himself to do it.

(Ultimately, Akihiro just didn't trust Shin to put that into action.)

(And so, they'd never change.)

end