A/N: This is a sequel to my fanfic "Beautiful Disaster". A lot of background is given so it is possible to understand it without reading its prequel. I hope you enjoy and don't forget to leave a review! :)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, sadly.

"There were sounds in my head… Little voices whispering… That I should go and this should end… Oh and I found myself listening…"

--"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

Sara sat in the back of the taxicab staring out the window and watching the bright lights of Vegas flash by. She could feel the familiar numbness beginning to settle in. She had no idea where she was going; she only knew that she needed to leave.

Sara was a survivor. Her rocky childhood had set in motion her pained existence at an alarmingly early age. She had never really had a home. From the time she was old enough to remember she had been subject to the horrors of an abusive household. She was only ten when she watched her mother brutally stab her father to death, destroying the last broken fragments of what could barely be considered a family. At the time she had almost felt relief but nothing could shake from her the terrifying memories that would haunt her forever. In foster care she became a ghost, barely present to those around her. She made herself invisible and numb to all feeling. She felt no joy but in return she did not suffer any more pain.

It was early on in high school when she discovered that there could still be some meaning in her life. Taking an immediate interest in forensic science, she had made it her single goal to eliminate crime. If she survived long enough to save someone else from her own horrific fate, then maybe she wouldn't feel worthless.

This was Sara's plan and for the first 22 years of her life it worked well for her. By the time she entered college she was a powerhouse. During the week she went to school and mixed drinks at a local coffee shop. On the weekends she got smashed and partied with the guys in her dorm. On the outside she appeared to be normal and sometimes she almost felt that she was.

It was just as she was beginning graduate school that her life swerved in an unexpected direction. Sara thought she was prepared for anything. That was until she met Dr. Gilbert Grissom.

Just the sight of Grissom had melted her defenses. His calming demeanor, his seemingly endless knowledge, his love for humanity. That first night she spent with him she had been giddy, a princess in a fairytale world. It had never occurred to her that he would reject her, that he might not feel the same way.

Being in a public area, one of San Francisco's most popular sushi bars, Sara was able to easily slide back into her lifeless demeanor. She was able to act calm, like it was no big deal that he didn't want her; that her heart wasn't breaking. With any other man she wouldn't have needed to pretend. With any other man she could have continued to be just as she was.

Not with Grissom though. His rejection was like a slap on the face, except the sting never left her. It jolted her instantly from her daydreams and before she knew it the pain that she had taken such care to avoid was again pressing upon her, burning at her insides. She didn't have room for any more heartbreak but she didn't think she could be numb any longer. Grissom was a breath of life to her. Now that she knew how wonderful living could be, surviving was no longer an option.

She had hung on for him. Just in case the impossible became possible. And by some miracle, it did. Several long and painful years later he was hers. For the first time in her lonely life, Sara was loved. For the first time, she felt safe and secure.

The last thing she had expected was that she would be the one to leave. Her entire life she had been searching for a place to stay and Vegas had been the only place that had ever felt remotely like home. But she had finally learned to trust herself and something inside her told her she had to go.

Still staring out the window, she realized the lights of Vegas had long disappeared behind her. A lone tear fell silently down her cheek. She missed him already. She knew she was lost without him. Her heart wrenched as she realized that was exactly the reason she had to go.

--

Grissom slowly unfolded the envelope with shaking hands. As he read her letter he could hear the anguish that would have been present in her voice had she spoken the words aloud.

Gil,

You know I love you… I feel I've loved you forever…. Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired.

Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends, and out there in the desert, it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry.

No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen.

Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you're my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you. I always will.

Goodbye.

The last word wrung in his head, placing a chill over his heart.

Goodbye.

It sounded so final. He tried to force himself to face it's blunt reality but he didn't want to think about what life would be without Sara. He didn't want to remember what it felt like to be alone.

Gil had always been a loner. Due to his unusual interests, even as a child he had few friends. While his peers were playing superheroes and riding bicycles, Gil was building ant farms and dissecting road kill. He became accustomed to a solitary life and found that his need for human contact was little.

Where his social skills failed him, his intelligence soared. His mother lost the last of her hearing when he was only six and by his eighth birthday he was fluent in sign language. A year later his father died and he became the man of the house.

After the death of her husband, Gil's mother fell into a severe depression and he spent the majority of his teenage years caring for her. It was perhaps the loneliest time of his life. He barely spoke, communicating in sign to his mother and avoiding as much social contact with others as possible. Reaching college was a relief for him. His mother had finally recovered enough that he felt safe to leave her.

In college he was much the same as he had always been. He had no friends and barely dated. He spent the majority of his time in coffee shops pouring over textbooks about bugs and forensics. Upon graduating from UCLA with a Ph.D. he achieved his dream of becoming a forensic entomologist. After spending some time in a few different cities he finally settled on a job in the Las Vegas Crime Lab.

It was there that he had his first serious relationship, which ultimately became his first heartbreak. Barbara Thompson, his long term girlfriend and eventually fiancé, left him for another man shortly after their engagement. She had faked her own kidnapping with the hope that he would suffer less pain in losing her. When Grissom discovered the truth, he never quite got over it. He promised himself he would never love again. It was better to be alone and not feel the agony of rejection. If he stayed closed off, he might be lonely but at least he was used to it. He wouldn't allow himself to be hurt again.

Despite his determination, no promise he made to himself could have prepared him for the day he met Sara Sidle. She was first person that he spotted in the large crowd of graduate students at his seminar in San Franscisco. Wavy brown hair and a dazzling smile had flashed up at him as he began his lecture. He was so entranced that when she came up to ask him questions afterwards, he completely forgot his rule and invited her to dinner.

It was when she invited him over to her apartment that he finally was able to gain control of himself. He gave her the old excuse that his job prevented him from having relationships and flew back to Vegas the next day, figuring in a week he would forget all about it. He didn't know it then, but he would spend the next several years in misery as he attempted to stick to his decision.

Recalling the time and energy spent to push her away made his head ache painfully. He had wasted so much precious time and now it was too late. Looking down at the letter in his hands he suddenly realized how tightly he was gripping it. The paper was crumpled and ripped where his fingers had dug into it. He was tempted to finish the job and tear it into a thousand tiny pieces but instead he laid it on his desk and tried to smooth out the wrinkles. It was Sara's last words to him and no matter how painful he didn't want to loose them.

Quietly he took a seat at his desk and put his head in his hands. It wasn't long before he was choking back sobs.

"Sara…" He whispered to himself.

"Oh Sara…"

TBC…