None of this is mine, even more than usual: Characters are from Dragons of Summer Flame and the tune and about half the lyrics (including the profanity) are from Monty Python's musical Spamalot. Apologies go out to…gee, fans of every character I use in this (poor Palin gets such a bad rap), and also to anybody who can speak Latin, as I have no idea if the Latin in this is right. It's what was in the original, and I think it works…This song is dedicated to my flute teacher, who got me hooked on Dragonlance ("for next week, do the sonata by Handel, and read the War of Souls trilogy next…") Hopefully this won't get pulled from the site; do they take songfics off if they're in script format?
"He Is Not Dead Yet": The Chaos War Version
Scene: Outside the Tower of High Sorcery in Palanthas. As Palin and Steel enter, arguing, mages of all three colors walk by, smacking themselves on the foreheads occasionally with spellbooks.
Mages: Solinari Domine (thud)
Lunitari be with us (thud)
Nuitari Domine (thud)
Gods of magic be with us (thud)
Steel (speaking): Raistlin is dead. Raistlin is dead. You're nuts.
Palin (speaking): He's not dead.
Steel (speaking): What, you say he's not dead.
Palin (speaking): Yes, he's not. (whining a little) Uncle told me…Uncle told me…
Raistlin materializes and starts doing a little dance around the two. (And yes, Raistlin knows how to dance…remember in The Soulforge?)
Raistlin: I am not dead yet
Merely sleeping for a while
I am not dead yet
Though I woke up for your trial
I am not dead yet
I cannot stay in bed
So hurry through the Portal
Cos I'm not yet dead.
Undead Spirits materialize around him and join in the fun.
Spirits: He is not yet dead
That's what the master said
No he's not yet dead
That man is off his head
He is not yet dead
He should be in bed
Hurry to his side because he's not yet dead.
Raistlin takes the Staff of Magius from Palin, a top hat materializes on his head, and he launches into a dance number which is abruptly cut short when Steel, who's had enough of this nonsense, deals him a heavy blow to the head with his sword. Raistlin drops. Spirits disappear, and mages walk over, complaining.
Mages: Well, now he's dead
You whacked him on the head
Sure, now he's dead
It makes me just see red
With an ugly sneer
You murdered Raist Majere
You homicidal bastard, now he's really dead
Who is the knave who put him in his grave
And who needs to manage his anger?
Steel: My name is Steel Brightblade
I'm on a dark crusade
To serve Her Majesty
Although I'm underpaid
Palin: I want to be a mage
But I'm not very sage
I worry and I whine
Almost all the time
Steel (slinging an arm around Palin's shoulders): I'll be right with you
Palin through and through and through
So stick with me; this decision I will rue
Palin: We may become friends
I can teach you how to feel
Both: We're cousins on a quest
Palin: I'm Palin
Steel: And I'm Steel
Mages line up behind Palin and Steel, and they march around the stage for a bit.
All: Oh, we're off to war
Because we're not yet dead
Chaos has escaped
And on Tasslehoff he'll tread…
Raistlin (staggering to his feet and standing behind Palin): I am coming too
I'll speak within your head
I'll be your advisor
Cos I'm not yet dead!
All but Palin and Steel: Oh we're off to war
To Palanthas we go
To fetch Raist instead
He'll put on quite a show
And so although
We should have stayed in bed
We're going off to war because we're not yet dead!
While they sing that, Steel and Palin sing:
Steel: To fight!
All right!
It's why I am a knight!
Palin (to Raistlin, gesturing at Steel): If we
Should flee
He'll have to die for me
All (turning and facing the audience in a line): We're telling you no lies
Fire's falling from the skies
The Authoress (having just realized the horrors of the song she has written): I'll be shot by Margaret Weis!
All: Cos we're not…yet…(Raistlin whacks Steel in payback; awkward silence)
Dead!
Not yet dead!