Authors' notes:
All right, so this is what happened.
Life-of-L.A. and Silverwolf were talking, as usual, but instead of discussing and developing angst-filled plots as we generally do, out of some abnormal unbalance in nature, we had the strange notion that we wanted to do a humor fic. Well, not completely humor but something in the 'general' genre, with some angst, of course (with our works, we can never leave angst out), but humor and other stuff as well.
And then the inevitable happened.
Life-of-L.A. suggested a pet, after reading one too many Red Witch fics (Red Witch rocks), and Silverwolf just had to remember a certain movie she had watched semi-recently. The movie? Three Men and a Baby.
Hell yeah.
Though Silverwolf definitely does not consider the movie to be anywhere near her favorites, Silver and Life-of-L.A. both liked the idea of using it in our own little happy Brotherhood way, as sappy and cliché as it is.
Thus was born the mini series that shall be known as Five Delinquents and a Baby.
Muahahaha.
Don't worry, we'll still have plenty of angst. We promise.
Setting: Soon after "Joyride", before "On Angel's Wings"
Chapter 1. Can't ever be bored. Even if we tried.
"...And if any of you set one foot out of line, you little brats won't be walking anywhere anytime soon, understood!"
Todd stared at Lance as the brunette finished the tirade.
"...Wow. That really was exactly like her."
"See Pietro? I was right, Lance is better at it," Fred turned to the white-haired teen sitting next to him.
"He is not! I'm better!" Pietro refuted. "Well, maybe he's close to being as good as I am. Maybe."
"It's like you are her, yo!" Todd hadn't been able to quite shake off the shock yet.
Lance smirked as he sat down on the couch once more. "I told you I could do better than Pietro."
"That was the best Mystique impression ever!" Todd broke out in laughter.
"Quickie, you owe me five dollars," Tabby grinned as she held out her hand.
"I do not; I'm better. And you've never even seen her, so you don't even get to deny it," Pietro crossed his arms, vaguely echoing the fashion of a child throwing a temper tantrum.
"Regardless of how this Mystic person's supposed to sound, Lance's show was way better than yours," Tabitha replied with a grin. "Oh just admit it Pietro, you lost, that's that."
"Yeah man, you ain't even close to Lance," Todd added in between laughs.
"It's not that big of a deal," Fred shrugged as he took another handful of popcorn and tossed the cooked kernels into his mouth, not really seeing any reason for denial.
Pietro frowned. But it only took him a second or two to cheer up, smirking once more. "Fine, fine," he remarked, fishing out a five-dollar bill and shoving it towards Tabitha.
"But I'm only agreeing because I want to see it again!" he grinned, turning expectantly to Lance, but the oldest of the group merely shook his head.
"Oh no, there's no way I'm doing that again. Doing Mystique impressions gives me a headache."
"Aw, please? That was so funny, yo!'
"Yeah, Lancey, do it again!" Tabitha cheered, grinning.
"What was it? 'And if you set one foot out of line, you're toast'?" she chuckled.
"Hey, it's not me saying that. She really said stuff like that," Lance shrugged.
"Yeah, she did," Fred nodded solemnly, taking some more popcorn.
"Just one more time?" Pietro flashed a hopeful grin.
Lance shook his head once more. "Don't you guys have anything better to do?"
"No," Pietro replied.
"Nope," Todd said.
"Nothing at all," Fred answered, mouth full.
"Not in the least," Tabitha shrugged.
"We are pathetic," Lance groaned, leaning back further in her seat on the couch.
"Don't be such a party pooper, Rocky," Tabitha said cheerfully.
"But he has a point. I mean, it is a Friday night and we're all stuck here, watching Lancey-boy do Mystique imitations," Pietro ruminated.
"Well, it's not like we have anywhere to go," Fred pointed out. "And we watched you and Todd to imitations too."
"Yeah, no parties to crash this weekend. Well except the one Matthews is having," Todd reminded.
"As if we'd ever want to go to one of his parties," Lance rolled his eyes.
"Exactly! Which is why we're all here," Tabitha summarized.
"Although we could go pay him a special visit..."
"Oh no," Lance cut in, shooting down Pietro's suggestion before it could even be fully stated.
"We are not wreaking the jerk's house. Or the X-Geeks' place, or Kelly's."
"You're no fun," Pietro sulked.
"At least I'm sane," Lance replied with a grin.
"Haha," Voice full of sarcasm, Pietro sent a fake glare towards the rock tumbler's way.
"Aw, Freddy, did you finish the popcorn?" Todd held up the empty bowl.
"Uh, sorry. I guess I did," Fred rubbed the back of his neck apologetically.
"Nah, no big deal, man. I'll go make more."
Just Todd took the bowl and hopped to the kitchen, something quite unexpected happened.
The doorbell rang.
"What the hell? Who'd be coming around here?" Lance turned, looking towards the door.
"Maybe it's some X-Geeks," Fred suggested.
"Aha! I knew it! They're tired of just fighting at school, so they brought the fight here!" Pietro exclaimed.
"Cool it, Pietro. Besides, we fight with them off school grounds too," Tabitha stated.
"Well whoever it is, if it's a fight they want, it's a fight they're getting," Lance muttered as he got up, heading towards the door.
"Ooh, Lancey's all tough,"Tabitha chuckled.
"I think he's still ticked off about the X-Geeks rejecting him and all that," Fred mused, voice lowered to a slight whisper. Somewhat.
"Rejection is a hard pill to swallow,"Pietro nodded with mock graveness.
"Guys you do realize that I can hear all that!" Lance snapped, reaching for the doorknob, his other hand clenched into a fist. "And I left them- of my ownwill!"
"Sure Lance, keep telling yourself that," Pietro waved nonchalantly. "One day the truth will reach past your thick walls of denial, and the fact that the X-Geeks rejected you will get through."
"Shut up Pietro," Lance grumbled as he opened the door.
"What's going on, yo?" Todd asked as he hurried out of the kitchen, having overheard the noise and not wanting to miss anything.
"Just the usual, Toddy," Tabitha replied, motioning first to Pietro then to Lance. "Lance and Pietro arguing about Lancey getting rejected by the X-Geeks."
"So... nothing new," Todd reiterated.
"Yeah."
"And there's someone outside," Fred added.
"Oh... who'd be here?" Todd asked, a confused look settling across his features.
Murmuring about a certain annoying white-haired boy, Lance opened the door, ready for battle if such an occasion should arise. He saw nothing however; not a single person was to be seen. That is, until he heard a small sound.
And looked down.
To see...
"The hell?"
"I don't hear anything," Fred said, looking over towards Lance.
Tabitha shrugged her shoulders, getting up. "Hey Lance! What's going on?"
When they received no response, the four teens looked at each other for a moment before promptly heading over.
"What is it?" Pietro asked, peering outside, moving next to Lance.
"Hey, there ain't nothing or nobody here!" Todd exclaimed, squeezing between for a view.
A little more pushing and Tabitha managed to share the doorway. "So what's with the doorbell? Is it busted?"
Looking over Lance's shoulders, Fred shook his head. "I don't think so, I mean we hardly ever use it."
"Maybe that's why?" Todd suggested.
"Guys..."
The four stopped the discussion at Lance's stunned voice. Following his gaze downward, their eyes fell on the scene the oldest was staring at.
For the longest time, no one spoke. It was Pietro who broke the silence.
"...Is that a baby?"
"...Is that a baby?"
"Of course it is, genius. The question is, why the hell is it here?" Lance stated.
"Aw, it's cute!" Tabitha declared as she picked up the infant from its spot in the bassinet.
Fred stared at the two. "Why is there a baby on our doorstep?"
"Well thanks for paying attention to me, Fred," Lance murmured.
"Who knows, Freddy? Maybe it ain't got no parents."
"And leaving the kid with us is a brilliant idea," Lance rolled his eyes. "This has to be a mistake," he muttered as Pietro joined in on Tabby's glee for the baby's presence.
"Aw, look! The kid has blue eyes! Just like me!"
"Or maybe this is some kind of a joke," the eldest of the Brotherhood mused.
"Hey kid, look! I can eat flies, yo!"
"A very sick, twisted little joke," Lance groaned.
"I eat anything!" Fred proclaimed proudly. "Except bugs," he added after a second thought.
"Would you guys cut that out!" Lance shouted, turning to the four- uh, five.
There was silence for a second, until the baby burst into tears.
"Now look what you did, Lance!" Pietro said as he held the child closer. "There there, it's just Lance being stupid, it's all right."
"What should we name the baby?" Fred asked.
"Good question, yo," Todd pondered the question, the two immersing themselves in deep thought despite the still continued crying in the background.
"Guys are you insane! We can't keep it!" Lance snapped. "It's not ours!"
"Not it; she," Tabitha corrected.
"Whatever... how do you know?" Lance turned to the sole female of the group.
Tabitha shrugged. "She looks like a girl. And she's wearing a lot of pink, which for a baby is an almost sure sign of a girl. And of course we're insane. You just noticed that now?"
"Whatever," Lance sighed. "We can't keep it! Her," he corrected after a second. "She's not ours to keep!"
"Well whoever had her before left her here, didn't she?" Todd asked.
"Yeah, maybe she doesn't have a family anymore," Fred nodded.
"In which case she should go to a damn orphanage, not stay with us!" Lance exclaimed.
"Language Lance, language," Pietro scolded. "There is a baby present. We don't want you being a bad influence on her."
Lance sighed in exasperation. "Why am I the only sane one here?"
"Oh come on Lancey. Think about it. The kid was left here, in our own front porch, with no name, no nothing besides the clothes she has and the cradle. You really think someone wants her?" Tabitha remarked.
"Well I sure as hell don't!"
"Now that was just mean," Fred said.
Lance ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Pietro, would you get that kid to stop crying!"
"I don't know how!" Pietro snapped. Which only made the baby cry louder. "Look what you made me do!"
With a groan, Lance turned. "Quiet! Stop crying! Stop! Shut up damn it!""You can't talk to a baby that way," Tabitha reproached.
"What I can't do is think with all this crying!" Lance snapped.
"Maybe she's hungry?" Fred suggested.
"Good idea, Freddy! Let me check to see if there's anything to give her in the cradle." After a brief search, Todd came up with a bottle and some baby formula. "Um... What do we do with it?"
"We make the formula," Pietro stated.
"Yeah... how?"
"That's out of my area of expertise," Pietro shrugged.
Fred shrugged.
Tabitha shrugged.
"...Lance?" Todd turned to Lance, offering the items cautiously.
"Anything to shut the kid up. Give me that," Lance muttered as he took the things, and stalked off to the kitchen.
While Lance was busy preparing the formula, the rest of the Brotherhood set to planning.
"We have to keep her," Pietro stated.
"All agreed on that," Tabitha nodded. "We just have to convince Lance."
"So... how?"
"I can't believe I'm making afriggin' formula for a baby that just appeared out of nowhere," Lance murmured as he put the bottle in the microwave.
"Actually, I can't believe that a baby just came out of nowhere. And those idiots want to keep the kid!" he rolled his eyes. "They can't even look after themselves!"
After the heating of the formula was complete, Lance took the bottle out and checked to see if it was too hot. Fortunately, for everyone around, since Lance's temper was running short- it wasn't.
"Oh Laaance."
"I don't want to know what's coming next," Lance sighed as he turned around to come face to face with the resident speedster.
"Lancey-boy, we have a deal for you."
"Do I want to hear this or should I just throw myself out the window now?" Lance remarked as he handed the formula to the white-haired teen.
"Oh it's not that bad Lancey," Tabitha replied nonchalantly.
"What is it," Lance sighed.
"We want to keep her," Fred stated.
"No."
"But you didn't hear everything yet," Todd said. Behind him the baby was now quiet, eating ravenously and focused on that task.
"I don't need to. No. We are not keeping the kid."
"Okay, let us keep the kid, and we'll forgive you forever and ever for betraying us and joining the X-Geeks," Pietro said.
Unfortunately the plan backfired on the four, as that reminder only served to fuel Lance's anger and edge it into a burst of flaming fire.
"I already did everything you wanted me to do after that!" Lance shouted, fists clenching.
The earth trembled a little, but Lance managed to gain control over his temper once more.
"I did the damn laundry, I drove you everywhere, I did the cooking, I did the dishes... let go of it already!"
"Whoa, calm down Lance," Tabitha put her hands out in front of her.
"All right that was a low blow. We're sorry. We know you already made up for that whole deal."
"Yet you're never going to let me live it down," Lance snapped.
Tabitha chose to ignore that particular statement. "Truth is..." she sighed, her voice taking a serious tone, though softer. "Look at the kid, Lance. She's like us."
"Nobody wants her either," Fred said quietly.
"And we all know how that feels, yo," Todd stated meekly.
"Come on, Lance. She doesn't have anywhere else to go, either," Pietro took a step closer, holding the baby up in front of Lance. "She needs someone. Namely, us."
Lance sighed, averting his eyes.
"Guys, we can't take care of her. It's not healthy for a baby to be raised by teenagers, much less teenagers with no money, lack of heat and plumbing sometimes, not to mention whatever else we don't have. Plus we have no idea how to take care of a kid."
"Not true," Pietro stated, pulling the baby closer once more. "Remember who you're talking to, Lance."
Lance looked at the white-haired teen for a moment before shaking his head. "I haven't taken care of a baby before either."
"But you know stuff about this," Fred said.
"Only a little. Just from what I saw back when I was... well, you know."
"But that's why we need to keep her, Lance," Tabitha moved over and took the baby from Pietro's arms.
"We've been there. We know what'll happen if we take her to the wrong orphanage, or the wrong people adopt her... or she's never adopted at all. We know all about that," Tabitha gave the baby a small smile, sad yet hopeful.
"No one understands her like we do."
"We can't just leave her somewhere, Lance. Her own folks did that to her, and no one deserves that," Todd looked up at the older teen.
"We don't know how to take proper care of a baby," Lance sighed.
"We can learn," Pietro stated.
"We don't have enough money as it is."
"We can cut down on stuff," Fred assured.
"We can't take her in."
"We can do this, Lance. If the five of us made it, so can she," Tabitha smiled.
"We can't..." Lance's voice trembled, and though it would have been unnoticeable to anyone else, the four teens in the room could tell. Turning, he put his hands on the counter, leaning in slightly.
He flinched at an unexpected touch, but recovered at realizing that it was only Todd who had touched his arm.
"Please?"
Lance sighed, turning back around. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath before opening them again.
"Kid needs a name."
A look of pure joy spread across Todd's face, soon followed by the rest of the Brotherhood.
"I want to choose a name!"
"Let me pick!"
"I want to pick!"
"Let's name her after me!"
"Pietro, she's a girl!"
"So? We could feminize my name.""Tabby let me hold her, yo!"
"My turn too!'Lance sighed.
This was not going to be easy.
But... looking back to his friends, his family, and their newest addition... well, things seemed a little easier.
And worthwhile.
Authors' notes: suggestions on the name are welcomed.