Hey all. This is in fact IHeartOTH05, I just felt the need for a new pen name since I don't really have the ambition to right for OTH when its lost so much of the fire it once used to hold.

TITLE: Battered, Bruised, and Broken

RATING: T as of now...

SUMMARY: Ever had one of those days you wish you could take back and have start all over? I have. But I'm pretty sure that'll never happen so now I must live with the changes it has brought and the chaos that I'm sure will show.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gossip Girl, the Characters or anything else for that matter. I'm just taking them out for a little play time. Hope you don't mind...

This story has taken me a long time to actually get going. I have never written anything outside of OTH so its a bit of a change so bare with me until I get my feet firmly planted on the ground. I'm proud of what i have thus far so I hope you all enjoy. Its a rather short first chapter but it was my way of introducing Blair and her pain without any interaction with other characters. This is my twist on the death of Bart Bass... So I hope you enjoy and leave some love at the end and let me know what you thought.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Chapter 1: Rock Bottom

I remember the day it happened as clear as any other. Its been 4 months and though some might not want to remember, I had to. It was the only thing that kept me going. My mother of course tried to help, but there wasn't much she could say to make it any better. Some how... I blamed her. I know it wasn't her fault, but she was the easiest target for me. I lashed out at her for the problems her divorce brought to my life. I lashed out for the problems the accident brought to my life. I lashed out... for everything really.

My friends did what they could to help, but how much more of my bitchiness could they handle. Granted, I was a bitch before, but now... I've taken it to the extreme. This was one of those things I had to handle on my own. Something I had to conquer as an individual with something to prove. I was stronger than they thought. I could do this. I had to be strong. Its what he would have wanted. I just know it.

So now I sit alone majority of the time. Just trying to remember the good times we had. Trying to some how make it not real. Like I'm trying to bring him back to me from places that one can not be brought back from. He was one of the greatest people in the world. He did everything for me no matter what I asked of him.

So why did he have to be gone? Why did he have to be taken from me so soon? I had so much more to learn from him, so much more I needed to say to him. The man who was my rock for so long, gone. How can this be? Did he do something to deserve this? I have so many questions that go un-answered on a daily basis that I can never have answered. Everyone tries to answer them, but even they don't know. They don't know why he's gone. They don't know why I couldn't even say good bye. They just don't know.

I cry everyday through the smiles I plaster on my face to please people. To not let them see the darkness that has enveloped my entire being. I'm not the same person I was then. I never will be. With him being gone, its like I lost a part of my soul that I can never get back. No one can fill that hole that appeared the day he died. No one can make me smile like he used to when I would see him. Some have tried, and though they've come close, its just not the same.

So this is what it's come to. A daily routine of waking up to a hot shower. Dressing for school. Acting as if I'm fine. Then coming home to lie in my bed, and cry. The occasional friend would stop by to check on me and make sure I was fine, but other than that, I was alone. Just like I wanted to be. I'd rather not have people around as I'm slowly self-destructing. I don't want them to see my true pain. Is that so wrong of me? To shield the ones I love from the truth of what I'm slowly becoming?

Sometimes... I tried not to do it. To go back to that place that he hated me going, but most of the time, it was my only escape from the real world. Today, was just one of those days where I needed an escape.

I slowly made my way into the bathroom and gently shut the door behind me. I turned my face towards the mirror above the sink and cringed at the image staring back at me. Is this really what I've become? My face as pale as a white piece of paper. Dark circles under my eyes. A look of pure sadness enveloping my entire look. Clothes dingy and hair in disarray. This is not me. This is not the Blair Waldorf I had worked my entire life to present to society. Then again, I haven't seen that Blair in months, so whats it matter now?

Turning away I slowly made my way to the one thing that I could always turn to to take the pain away. There it was, staring at me, taunting me even. Even knowing what I was about to do would upset him to the point of pure fury and rage, I still couldn't stop myself from doing it. I leaned over the counter and grabbed the small glass tube in my hand. Feeling how cold it was to the touch just made me shudder. I was slowly killing myself and I couldn't help it.

Unscrewing the lid of the bottle I tipped it to the side and tapped lightly causing the white powder to cascade onto the glass plate just below. Reaching over I grabbed my favorite credit card and began to cut out 2 lines. With my hands flat on the counter I looked up one more time at my reflection. A gradual tear was slowly sliding down my cheek as I dropped my eyes towards the plate. Letting out a tiny sob while my knees tried to buckle beneath me, I whispered "I'm Sorry" to no one as I found the straw I was searching for and took the first line. Plugging one side of my nose I sucked in as much air as I could making sure I had it all.

I exhaled through my mouth as I looked back towards the mirror. What a pathetic turn of events I had taken. Drugs?! Of all the things I could think of to take the pain away this is the best I could do? Looking back at the plate I let the questions of my life run through my head. I picked up the straw and switched nostrels. Leaning down and plugging the other side I repeated the process I had become so familiar with and let the high take effect.

I leaned against the wall in slid down. With my knees to my chest and my head lying between them, all that was left to do... was cry. So I did. Crying for him, for myself, for my friends, for everything. I let it all go in this moment to hopefully feel just a little bit better when I was finally sober again, but secretly knowing that I wouldn't. This was it. This... was rock bottom, and there's no turing back now.

I picked myself up off the ground and made my way towards my bed. Sliding on a silk nightgown I pulled the covers down and climbed in. Laying my head down and I let my mind wander to the events of that fateful night and let them play like a loop in my head. It was afterall... the last time I was truly happy.

"Blair bear?" I heard my father calling. "Are you ready to go yet? We don't have much time before it starts."

He was taking me to see a broadway musical, and absolutely refused to tell me what show. He said he wanted it to be a surprise to me. I think he just wanted to make sure I'd go. Surprises always bothered me, made me curious so ultimately I had to see what was going on, and he knew that so he used it to his advantage every chance he got.

"I'm almost ready" I yelled back as I looked at myself once more in the mirror. Making sure my dress was smoothed and my headband straight I started walking towards the door, but as usual, before I could make it out the door my phone rang. Looking down to see Chucks name... I knew I had to take it.

"What do you want Bass" I answered harshly as I picked up the call. We haven't exactly been on the best of terms I guess you could say. All the games that he kept playing with me were starting to get old. First he wants me, then he doesn't. I can never keep track of whats really going on anymore and its starting to bug me, so avoiding Chuck Bass, is exactly what I was doing. He didn't seem to get the memo since he refused to leave me alone.

"Well I'm pretty sure you already know what I want Waldorf, you just don't seem to into playing the part." He slyly replied back.

Of course I knew what he wanted. He wanted me to tell him that I loved him. That... I would never do. Not until I heard it first. I was sick of playing this game. I'm not gonna put my heart out there only to have him crush it into tiny little pieces for his own amusement.

"And neither are you. Like I said in Brooklyn, I'm done playing games. So as I stated before... What do you want Bass?"

"My my... are we a bit testy today? Whats the rush? A little fun never hurt anyone"

This is gonna get old. "I'm busy and growing more impatient by the second. Any particular reason as to why you're annoying me this time or is this just another game from you."

"A game it is not" I stopped dead and my tracks and tightened my posture

"What are you doing here?" I snapped as I whipped my head around to find none other than Chuck Bass standing in my doorway clad in his suit and that god forsaken scarf.

"What no 'Hi how are you?' 'Nice to see you'?" He made his way towards me which only caused me to step back a little further. "And here I thought you liked me"

"Well I guess in that case you thought wrong. Now I repeat my question, what are you doing here?" I made to move around him but was only stopped by his hand on my arm.

"Actually... your father invited me. Seemed to think we should go out and have a little fun. Though I'm pretty sure he doesn't quite know the fun we've already had now does he?"

"You're heinous" I spat pulling my arm away.

"You love it"

"No... what I love, is my father. So if you'll escuse me, we have a date."

"Oh contrare Waldorf... You and I have a date. You're father is going out with your mother."

I had to laugh at that one. My mother actually going out with my father. The same man she divorced not so long ago. I highly doubt it.

"Goodbye Chuck. You and I don't have a date. I'll go by myself before I let you, of all people, accompany me"

And then it hit me. There was never a musical. My own father had set me up. He knew everything that was going on with Chuck. He knew how distraught it made me from time to time. I was so gonna have a talk with him in the morning.

Walking down the stairs with Chuck slowly in tow I went to find the Father in question. Looking around and not finding him or my mother I immediately yelled for Dorota.

"Yes Ms. Blair" She responded as she quickly made her way over to me.

"Where are my parents" I asked quickly still scanning the room.

"They went on date Ms. Blair. Said they'll be back soon" She replied a bit nervously. "Mr. Harold told me to give you this" She said after a few seconds, handing me an envelope. "He said not to be mad, but that it was in your best interest to do it."

Grabbing the envelope I flipped it over and opened it impatiently. Inside I found a card with 2 tickets to the musical of my choice and dinner for 2 wherever I so choose to go.

With a stomp of my feet I turn back to Dorota. "You tell my father I'd like to have a word with him when he gets back" Turning around I yell "C'mon Chuck"

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Turns out that was one of the best nights of my life. I actually had a lot of fun with Chuck. We went to go see Chicago then on to dinner at Masa which was absolutely delicious. From there back to my place where Chuck and I... just talked. For the first time there was no sarcasm, no anger or hostility, no sexual inuendos, just talk. About life and love and plans for the future. Stuff we've never talked about before. It made me actually like him that much more.

He must have been there 2 hours before he actually left. Saying he had a meeting early the next morning with his father about investing in another bar downtown. With a kiss on the cheek and very nice hug, he was gone.

I went back upstairs to get ready for bed when I heard the door. They were home. I ran downstairs for that little talk with my father, but he wasn't any where around. I asked my mother where he was but she just ingnored me and walked off in a huff. I walked back upstairs and waited as long as I could before sleep over took me.

I was awoken the next morning by my mother frantically shaking me telling me to get up... there'd been an accident. I sat up straight in bed and saw on her face exactly who it was. She may not have liked him all that much, but she knew how much he meant to me and that was all she cared about.

"He didn't make it honey"

Those were the only words I heard spoken to me that morning. I couldn't comprehend anything else. He was gone. My entire world was crashing down around me and he wasn't here to protect me.

I guess you could say that morning was the start of my demise. I didn't know exactly what happened or how it happened, all I knew, was he didn't make it. What a way to remember something huh? Imagine having that night and that fateful day replaying in your mind over, and over, and over again. Its definetly one that never leaves. One that haunts you until you die.

I finally got tired of remembering and just curled up in a ball waiting for sleep to come. I don't sleep well at night. I mainly toss and turn with the occassional memory of that day. Churning and burning its way into my brain making sure I never forget.

I woke up in a cold sweat to find a body sitting on my bed. Rubbing my eyes letting them adjust to the sudden darkness I saw who it was. My face contorted as I set the meanest look on my face that I could conjure up at that moment.

"What do you want" I growled.

My glass vial was suddenly thrust into my face as they spoke. "You wanna explain to me what the hell you're doing with that?"

My stomach hit my throat as I tried my best to think of something to say. This was the last thing I wanted them to know. This would only prove exactly how weak I had become. So I did what I do best... I pushed the vial to the side, rolled over, and ignored them.

"Get out" was all I could say. It wasn't mean, or harsh. Just a mere statement that sounded more like begging.

Once I felt the weight lift off the bed and the door shut I curled back into my little ball and cried some more. Tomorrow was a new day. Tomorrow I would be better...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

So... what did you think?! Was it up to par?! I'm seriously freaking out about this one. Its definetly AU at points and maybe a little OOC at times, but I thought it was a different kind of take with whats going on in the show right now. PLEASE HIT THE PRETTY LITTLE REPLY BUTTON AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!!

*SHELL*