He asks me if I'm okay. I turn in his direction and give him a half-hearted smile and squeeze his hand. I tell him that I was perfectly fine, but really, I would rather have stayed home. We are on our way to Farkle's for our annual Ugly Sweater Christmas Party. Everyone will be there from our group of friends. I have learned to fake my smile and appear happier than I really am –no one needs to know that I'm unhappy.
"You two!" Farkle exclaims, giving us both hugs and welcoming us into his home.
Smackle's on the couch talking to Zay, who is eating cookies and sipping on hot chocolate. We join them and listen to them argue on who got into the better colleges.
Farkle sits next to Smackle and puts his arm around her shoulders. "Great, now all we are waiting for is Maya and…" Before he finishes his sentence the doorbell rings.
He gets up to open the door and I close my eyes momentarily to brace myself for what's to come. I inhale deep to keep my eyes from watering.
"Maya! Lucas! You're the last ones. Come in," he says as they walk in.
I turn around, knowing I shouldn't, but I do. They're hand in hand and I can feel my heart sink. I liked him first, but it doesn't matter. He picked Maya and she said yes.
I remember that day so clearly that the thought of it still pierces my heart. After Evan and I came back from a walk, I sat at the bay window and stared out into the distance. I heard someone come down the steps and glanced in that direction and saw Lucas. I thought for a second he was coming to see me, but he went to his right.
I didn't think anything of it until I heard laughing –a laugh I knew all too well. I got up quietly and walked a little closer to hear better; and I wish I hadn't.
"I choose you Maya. It's always been you since day one. I really hope you choose me, too," I hear Lucas say.
I had always imagined he'd tell me something along those lines, but I wasn't the girl he was interested in. I wasn't the girl he wanted to be with. I liked him first, but that didn't matter.
When they told me, I put on a brave face –happy to hear the news—and congratulated them. Maya was my best friend and I would do anything for her. Even pretend that it didn't hurt. Of course she asked me if I was okay with it and of course I told that I was. When I got home, I sat at the bay window in my room and cried most of the night. I didn't think it would hurt that much, but I was wrong.
Since then, I try not to be around them as much, but it's hard since we're a tight nit group. This was one of those unavoidable times –when we are all gathered together and I'm forced to face them at the same time.
"So, who's hungry?" Smackle asks as she gets up and heads for the kitchen.
Everyone agrees that it's a good time to eat and we all get in line to serve ourselves. He rubs my back and asks again if I'm okay. Again I tell him I'm fine, only this time I mean it. I was enjoying everyone's company, despite the stolen glances I took of Maya and Lucas.
We talk about the last few months of our senior year and what our plans are for the next stage in our lives. Smackle and Farkle would be heading to MIT; Zay would be going back to Texas –he still hadn't decided which college he'd attend yet; Maya would be going to NYU and Lucas decided to do the same. And I still wasn't sure where to go, but I entertained the idea of moving on to the West Coast–getting away seemed easier than staying.
I get up to go to the kitchen to get more food and Lucas is beside me soon after. I stiffen a little when he gets too close to me, but I don't mind. He nudges his elbow into me and I turn my head in his direction. He's smiling at me and points up to the ceiling. His smile –my God—it could melt the coldest of hearts. I look up and see it's a mistletoe no one seemed to notice earlier. He's still smiling at me, but all I can do is stare at his lips.
I finally look at him and he turns his head slightly and taps his finger to his cheek. I can only muster a half-hearted laugh and look at his lips one last time before I tiptoe and peck his cheek. I had hoped in that moment he would have turned and our lips would have connected. But we're just friends and he's dating Maya.
After we play a few games and exchange gifts, Farkle goes around the room and dangles a mistletoe above everyone's heads. Smackle, Maya, and I kiss Zay and then the last couple to get the mistletoe is Maya and Lucas.
It's all for fun and everyone is laughing while they wait for them to kiss, but I avert my eyes to the floor just as their lips connect.
Things start wrapping up after we finish our last game of Cards Against Humanity. Everyone is grabbing their coats as they get ready to leave. He gently kisses the side of my head as he helps me put on my coat, while Lucas hands Maya hers.
Zay leaves first, having to get up early to pick up his girlfriend from the airport. Lucas and Maya head out the same time we do so our goodbyes are saved for outside the building. Lucas' arm is around Maya's shoulders and her arm is wrapped around his waist; and all I can think is that I wish it were me under his arm.
When we get to the sidewalk, I give Maya a hug telling her that we would hang out some time before school starts again. And then Lucas stands there with open arms and I instantly go to him without any thought. He's warm and I can hear his heartbeat against his chest. I hear him inhale a deep breath and I do the same –his scent is addicting.
We depart –Maya and Lucas go one way and we go another. I take one last look behind me and see Lucas turn his head ever so slightly in our direction with a faint smile on his lips.
No matter how much I try to move on, there's no denying it; I still like him. But that doesn't matter either.