Rating: R for language and adult themes (sex)
Disclaimers: I do not own Inception or How I Met Your Mother.
Author's Note:
I don't think it's completely necessary to have watched this show or this particular episode to understand this fic, but it probably helps. And, it's just a really good show and the particular episode this fic is based on is really funny. I recommend watching or at least getting the gist of the episode. I've also referenced another episode, The Playbook, as well as used some other HIMYM references in this fic. I also made a brief Titanic reference because I couldn't help myself.
The tone and POV for this fic switches and for that I apologize. This is both longer and shorter than I anticpated writing.
Lastly, in my mind (and in this fic), Eames is Barney, Yusuf is Robin, Cobb is Ted, and Ariadne and Arthur are Lilypad and Marshmallow.
Enjoy! :)
Chapter 1: The List
Despite their usual after work bar being packed with students and pre-partying club-goers, the 'dream team' members are able to find their usual table and sit down to unwind from a long day of planning and plotting. Tonight however, four drinks are ordered instead of five: a glass of the house red, two Belgian lagers, and a glass of Glenfiddich, neat. Yusuf's is the drink that's missing, but that's because he finally found the nerve to ask out the attractive little barista from his favorite coffee shop and they are currently out on a date.
That's a fact that Eames finds worthy of celebration.
"To Yusuf," he toasts during their second round, "no man is more deserving of getting laid tonight than he, poor bastard." He takes a swig from his pint, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand.
The rest of the team looks to him with varying degrees of interest.
"What? He is deserving, ya know. The only pussy he's gotten to know intimately in recent memory is that damn cat of his."
That makes the other three groan in distaste.
"It's just a first date, Eames." Arthur takes a sip of his scotch, relaxing back in his seat by casually placing his arm over the backrest of the booth.
"And Yusuf is a gentleman," Ariadne adds, distractedly. Her attention is on a booth of girls eying their table. As a warning to them, she sidles closer to Arthur.
"So what?" Eames scoffs. "That doesn't mean he can't have sex tonight if he wants. A man has needs, as does a woman. As far as I'm concerned, sex is never out of the question as long as two people—or three—are willing." He's caught sight of the booth of girls Ariadne was watching earlier. His wink their way elicits a few titters. "I say damn your old-fashioned views, Yusuf can have sex tonight if he wants and I won't judge him for it!"
"I know it's been a while, but from what I recall the concept of a first date is nerve-wracking enough. Wouldn't throwing sex into the mix just up the anxiety and awkwardness levels that already accompany it?" Cobb asks, grabbing a handful of peanuts from the center of the table and popping a few in his mouth.
"Well, of course, but that's only if you're going about it the wrong way."
Cobb pauses in the middle of popping more peanuts into his mouth. "You mean there's a right way of bringing up sex on a first date?"
"Of course." Eames smiles, unrepentantly. "Do you want to hear how?"
"Yes, do tell." Ariadne places her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands, her dreamy smile highlighted by the flush in her cheeks as she eagerly awaits Eames' explanation. Beside her, Arthur frowns.
"Sure, tell us about the debauched method you've schemed up that gets someone to sleep with you on the first date. The sooner you do, the sooner I can kill off those brain cells that heard it." Cobb dusts off his hands before leaning back in his seat with his lager.
That earns a smirk from Eames.
"What about you Arthur? Do you think you're ready to receive a precious pearl of my wisdom?"
Arthur makes a great show of studying his half empty glass. "If by that you mean do I think I've compromised my common sense and reasoning skills enough that I can listen to some of your bullshit, then yes."
The comment makes Cobb snort and Ariadne giggle.
"Oh, ha, ha. Laugh if you must now, but you won't be laughing after I tell you about one of the greatest maneuvers in the history of men attempting to get laid. Believe me, it's a good one."
"Is it a better than telling women that you're Richard Branson's son?"
"Or telling them that your penis grants wishes if they rub hard enough?"
"How can anything be better than telling some poor girl that you're her every dream and then using the PASIV to invade her dreams?"
"I only tried that one time! And that girl was a slush; she would've believed anything!" Eames pouts in his seat much to Cobb, Arthur, and Ariadne's amusement. "Maybe I won't enlighten you three if all you're going to do is criticize."
"C'mon, Eames. We're just teasing." Ariadne steps in to soothe his ego, reaching across the table to touch his arm. "We won't make fun anymore. Just tell us your maneuver."
"Well…" He hedges, eying them suspiciously but then just as quickly forgetting their slights. Leaning his arms on the table, he ducks his head down as if he's about to impart a great secret. This causes the other three to follow suit to hear what he has to say.
"Alright, if you want to know a sure-fire way to get someone to sleep with you during the first date, then you only need to remember these three words." Eames pauses for dramatic effect, looking each team member in the eye before enunciating each word slowly. "The. Naked. Man."
He leans back into his seat, looking smug with his revelation as everyone continues to hover near the center of the table in shared confusion.
"What the hell is 'the naked man'?" Cobb blurts out.
"I'm so glad you asked," Eames replies, enjoying the spotlight once more. "The Naked Man is a 'gambit', if you will, where at the end of a date a guy makes an excuse to go into his date's home to take advantage of a distraction, like asking for a glass of water for example, in order to remove his clothing and surprise his date with nakedness all in the hope of receiving sex."
Eames continues to look pleased with himself as the others sport varying facial expressions of contemplation and bewilderment.
Or in Arthur's case, a combination of disbelief and disgust.
"I was wrong," he announces, gulping down the rest of his scotch. "I didn't consume a sufficient enough amount of alcohol to prepare myself for hearing that load of crap. Congratulations." He reaches over the table to shake Eames' hand. "That is the single most stupid thing I've ever heard, and if anyone is dumb enough to have sex with you because it, it's probably because they feel sorry for you."
"I'd be more than okay with that," Eames shrugs, shamelessly. "Plus, it'd get me laid, which is the point."
"Now, wait a minute, Arthur. I don't know, it's kind of funny if you think about it. I think there may be some women who might go for it, and not just because of pity." Everyone turns to Cobb for further explanation. "I mean, one minute you're standing there in your clothes, the next you're completely naked. I don't know…if I were a woman and I saw a naked man in my living room I'd probably be surprised at first and laugh, but it might also make me…consider the possibility—
"You've got to be kidding me!" Arthur shakes his head.
"I agree with Cobb."
Arthur groans. "Not you too, Ariadne."
"Well, I'll admit, I first thought it sounded really weird and creepy…but, speaking as a woman …" she shrugs, warming up to the idea, "I don't know, I can see the humor in The Naked Man, too. I mean, the nude male form is pretty ridiculous when you think about it. Personally, I don't know how you guys walk around with those…" she gestures to their nether regions, "…things all the time."
"I can't believe I'm hearing this."
"Oh, I didn't mean you, Arthur!" Ariadne consoles. "I never feel like laughing when I see you naked. You're quite lovely."
"Yeah Arthur, you're as lovely as a flower in full bloom." Eames and Cobb share a prolonged snicker despite the death glare Arthur is sending their way.
"Plus, I think the element of surprise can really work for some people," Ariadne continues, seemingly unaware of Arthur's discomfort. "The spontaneity and audacity of it all is something that I can definitely see being advantageous towards one's hope of having sex. Don't you?"
Her seemingly innocent question aimed at Arthur makes Eames laugh. "Well, if that wasn't a thinly veiled hint for you to try The Naked Man, I don't know what is."
Arthur ignores both him and Ariadne. "I'm just going to chalk all this up to the alcohol talking, because if you were both completely sober there is no way either of you would think Eames' Naked Man would be a good idea." Arthur punctuates his disapproval by crossing his arms and frowning.
"Tsk, tsk. I'm disappointed in you Arthur. You're so quick to dismiss The Naked Man when you haven't even heard about how successful it is. How can it be stupid if it's guaranteed to work?"
"It works every time?" Cobb asks, astonished.
"Well, not exactly. In my experience it works every two out of three times. But two out of three times, guaranteed."
Arthur scoffs. "That's only a sixty-six percent success rate."
"Sixty-six percent, yes, but with sixty-nine potential," Eames leers.
"Arthur's right. I'm not drunk enough to listen to any more of this." Cobb signals a waitress for another round.
"But you guys are missing the real genius of The Naked Man—
"You know, a woman would never say 'naked', 'man', and 'genius' in the same sentence," Ariadne interrupts, absently examining her now empty glass of wine.
"Yeah, well be that as it may, the real genius of The Naked Man isn't that it works most of the time—
"I wouldn't consider sixty-six percent of the time, most of the time," Arthur interjects.
"Yeah, well, whatever! Will you all just let me explain?"
"Go ahead."
"No one's stopping you."
"We're all waiting."
Eames waits a beat before he's satisfied he won't be interrupted. "Okay, then. As I was saying, the genius of The Naked Man isn't that it's fairly successful. Its genius lies in giving someone multiple reasons to sleep with someone else. And you three have hit all the main ones The Naked Man inspires: pity, humor, and sheer spontaneity. Oh, and nakedness, of course."
"Oh, good, just in time." The waitress brings their next round of drinks and Arthur takes a long pull off of his. "I apparently still don't have enough alcohol in me to think anything but that those are all stupid reasons to sleep with someone."
"I never said they were good reasons. They're just reasons. Are there even any truly good reasons to sleep with someone? I bet you can't come up with even one."
"Love."
"Aww, Arthur. That's so sweet." Ariadne loops her arm around Arthur's, smiling adoringly at him.
"Alright, I'll give you that one, but for every one good reason there's at least fifty others that are not so…gallant."
"I must be drunker than I thought because I actually want to hear these fifty reasons." Cobb's moved on from the bowl of peanuts to the one with pretzels.
"Me too." Ariadne adds, suddenly interested. "I'd like to see you try to come up with fifty because I can only think of…maybe a couple dozen off the top of my head."
All the men's brows are raised: one in consternation, one in surprise, and one impressed.
"Challenge accepted!" Eames raises his glass in the air and then chugs down the remainder of his lager. "Alright, I'll start with the obvious ones. Number one: it's your birthday. Number two: make up sex. Number three: breakup sex. Number four: getting back together after the break up. Number five: the condoms are about to expire. Number six—
"The condoms are about to expire?" Cobb nearly chokes on a pretzel.
"Yeah, what's that old saying? No condom left behind. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, six: revenge sex. Seven: there's nothing good on tv. Eight: you're in a foreign location/too far from home and need a place to stay. Nine: always a bridesmaid, never a bride sex. Number ten: you're sorry because you forgot a birthday/anniversary/name your special occasion. Eleven: that infection finally cleared up—
"This is making me sad," Arthur sighs.
"Twelve…twelve. Hmm, what's twelve?"
"Oh, I know! How about when your friend tells you about a new position you want to try?" Ariadne contributes.
"Yes! Yes!" Eames excitedly points in her direction. And then, looking directly at Arthur, "You're welcome, by the way."
"And number thirteen," Ariadne continues, "waiting for the cookies to finish baking."
This time, only two sets of men's eyebrows are raised in Ariadne's direction, both in amusement.
"What? It makes them taste even better afterwards." She looks to Arthur for agreement, but his ears are too busy turning red.
"Alright, at number thirteen we have 'baking confectionaries'. This list is shaping up rather nicely and we're only a quarter of the way there." Eames leans back in the booth, looking even more smug.
"We should write these down." Well into the spirit of the game, and more than slightly buzzed, Ariadne digs through her purse for a pen. "Does anyone have any paper? Oh, Arthur! Gimme your notebook!"
"Ariadne, don't encourage him—hey!"
With surprising quickness and dexterity, Ariadne's hand shoots into Arthur's suit jacket right to the spot where she knows he keeps his ever present pocket Moleskine, and pilfers it from him.
"Well, that was impressive," Cobb laughs.
"Okay, Eames, hold up a minute while I start this list. 'Fifty Reasons To Sleep With Someone'. Number one…"
"She's a keeper, Arthur," Eames comments while watching Ariadne furiously scribbling away. "Do yourself a favor and don't fuck it up."
"I wish I could write faster," Ariadne complains without acknowledging either Cobb or Eames' compliments. "I've just thought of reason number fourteen: all of your coworkers have left the workshop."
Arthur nearly spits out his drink. "Ariadne!"
"Oh, Arthur, I'm sure they've all guessed by now that we've had sex there," Ariadne waves off his indignation without looking up from her writing.
Both Cobb and Eames confirm this as they nod in sync from across the table.
"Though, technically, not all of your coworkers had left."
"What!" Both Arthur and Ariadne look up at Eames, who shrugs.
"It's a big workshop. I had taken a nap in that corner behind Yusuf's chemical shelf. I think one of his chemicals has a smell that knocks you out because I can't remember—
"I can't believe you were there while we were…" This time, Ariadne is embarrassed enough that she can't finish her sentence.
"Believe me, I was more surprised than you two are now when I heard and saw you two on Cobb's desk—
"Aww, man, really? Why my desk?"
Both Arthur and Ariande guiltily avoid Cobb's gaze, but Arthur does manage to mumble, "It's the most comfortable."
"And sturdier than Yusuf's workbench. And cleaner than Eames' desk," Ariadne adds, rather unhelpfully.
Cobb turns his annoyance to Eames. "Why didn't you tell me they were going at it like rabbits in the workshop?"
"I only knew about that one time!" Eames defends, before addressing the embarrassed fornicators across the table. "Your sexual exploits are like the horny Goldilocks to our desks' three bears. I don't know whether to be impressed or disgusted. Eh, who am I kidding? I'm pretty impressed." Eames relaxes back into his seat, and as if the previous conversation didn't just happen, asks, "Are you ready yet, Ariadne? I've got the number fifteen reason to sleep with someone: the adrenaline's pumping because it's shark week…"