Ok, first off, this is a completely and TOTALLY whacko story, so no offence if I get some Harry Potter facts wrong.
And I don't own any of these characters... blah blah blah... besides, If I ever did own some of these characters, I would probably give em to someone who would cherish them more than I.
Thanks to the reviewers, I have now looked this over, and to all you holy grailers out there, sorry, I didn't technically include the entire scene correctly, it was just taking so long, and it really dosent make much difference, AND its not as funny as the Holy Grail ANYWAYS
"I cant believe that we are in classes while Lord Voldemort is raging war on us" said Harry as he left his first potions class. "At least Snape has left to go help the war effort"
"Yea, Mr. Talon is a much better potions teacher" Ron replied, "He seems to really know what hes talking about, and he dosent hate us like Snape did."
"I don't know, Snape was mean, but Mr. Talon doesn't seem quite as good" Hermione moaned.
"How can you say that?" replied Ron, indignantly, "Im getting WAY better grades now"
"Yea, me too, well the change isn't as drastic as Ron's" said Harry, nudging Ron, "What can I say, mine didn't have as far up to go" as Harry grinned.
"Hey, your only getting better grades cause he isn't giving as hard tests, your not really learning it as well" Hermione whined, while obviously not looking at Ron in a loving way (take that Hermoine/Ron fans) (no offence)
(ok, a little offence)
"Well, all I care about is that the first day of classes is over" muttered Ron, "Lets go outside for a while, get some fresh air"
The three walked outside, and began walking around looking at the scenery. As they began heading back to the front entrance to Hogwarts, Harry noticed something.
"Hey, something is wrong." Harry said worriedly
"What is it?" asked Ron, a little afraid
"My scar is hurting!" Harry said quietly
"Look, something is coming out of the forest!" Hermione said
Out of the forest came 3 shadows, hard to see, except against the sunlit grass.
In front of them three figures suddenly appeared, Harry recongnized them instantly, Ron and Hermione, not quite as fast.
"Voldemort!" shouted Harry Ron and Hermione simultaneously. Looking at Voldemort
Beside Voldemort appeared two of the Death Eaters that Harry saw during the Triwizard incident.
Harry drew his wand, and Voldemort drew his, Voldemort shouted in an ancient language unknown to Harry Ron and Hermione, and a bright flash emanated from the tip of his wand, knocking Harry Ron and Hermione to the ground, paralyzed.
Voldemort approached, followed by the two Death Eaters, and he drew a wicked looking dagger, when suddenly...
"LOOK, IT'S A WITCH!!!" shouted a peasant (who looked an awful lot like someone from monty python) among the mob approaching from across the lake shortly before he was turned into a newt by one of the Death Eaters.
The peasants charged, and overpowered Voldemort, Voldemort tried to blast them with a magical spell, but they seemed to be immune to the spells, especially the spells that impaired brain activity.
They gathered the wizards wands, for the sole purpose of making a fire out of them, not cause they realized they needed them for spells.
The mob gathered up the six people and began to drag them back, after binding them with rope.
Unfortuantely, the peasants carrying Harry, Ron, Voldemort, and the two Death Eaters didn't know how to swim, and drowned at the bottom of the lake they were crossing, dragging Harry, Ron and the others down with them. Only Hermione and her mob of peasants survived (including the newt guy)
Later...
The peasant mob dragged Hermione into town...
"Hey, she dosent look quite right, we need to strap a nose on her, and put a hood on her, she's already wearing a robe." Said a peasant.
"Good Idea" said the recently recovered, former newt peasant.
After dressing up Hermione...
"WE HAVE FOUND A WITCH, MAY WE BURN HER?" shouted the mob, to the so called scientist of the village.
"How do you KNEAU (heavy accent) that she is a witch?" replied the muggle scientist.
"SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT!!!" shouted a peasant
"..."
"I got better..."
"Ah"
-------------note: if you have watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, nothing suprising happens here, you might as well skip to chapter 2, and for you people who find this kind of long, it really dosent change the plot at all, so if you want theres a one line summary at the end if you want to skip this and watch the good version of this scene-----------
"IM NOT A WITCH, IM NOT A WITCH!" shouted Hermione hoping they would believe her.
"But you are dressed as one!" replied the scientist.
"They dressed me up like this!" replied Hermione.
"Did you dress her up like this?" asked the scientist
"NO! NO! No! no... well... yes, no, well, yes... a bit, a BIT... a bit" replied the mob
"just the nose"
"the nose?"
"and the hat"
"ah"
"BUT SHES A WITCH!!!" shouted a peasant
"People people please, there are ways of TELLING weather she is a witch"
mass confusion
"What do you do with witches?" asked the scientist
"BURN THEM!!!" replied the mob
"Gooooooooooooooooooooooood"
"What do you burn, apart from witches?" asked the scientist
"MORE WITCHES!!!" replied the frenzied mob
-short pause-
"wood?"
"Gooooooooooooooooooooooooood" replied the scientist
"what do you do with wood?"
"bridges. BUILD A BRIDGE OUT OF UR!" shouted the mob
"AHH but can you not ALSO build bridges out of STONE?" replied the scientist
"oh yea..." replied the mob
"Does wood sink in water?" asked the scientist
"NO" replied the mob, glad to know the answer, "NO, it... it FLOATS!!!"
"What also floats in water?"
"pebbles, churches! LEAD, really small rocks!"
"A DUCK!" said a distinctive voice
"EEEEEXACTLY!" replied the scientist
"So, logically if someone weighs the same as a duck..."
stunned silence
More stunned silence
Yes, even more stunned silence
"that shes made of wood?" replied a peasant
"GOOOOOOOOOD!!!"
they rushed Hermione to a scale with a lot of ducks on one end, and her on the other. The scale of course couldn't actually tip one way or the other.
After they decided that Hermione weighed the same as a duck they rushed her off to burn her
---------for those who either don't understand what happened, or decided to skip it, the mob is bout to burn Hermione--------