Disclaimer: I don't own Love Live.
please tell me if you read this and would like me to continue!
Kinds of Magic
Chapter One
When I was a little girl my grandmother took me to the ballet. I watched as ballerinas flew across the stage like god had picked them up by the tips of his fingers, lending them a higher grace. They possessed a beautiful kind of magic that inhabited every limb of their bodies, allowing them to create emotion without a single word. I was in awe, I thought "this is my moment, this is my destiny, I can have that magic too." I felt the luminescence i'd held safe in my lungs pour out of me, i was ready to shine.
Ballet, stripped of its curtains, of its frills and cheers from the audience with their sophistication and class, without the roses tossed so lovingly onto the stage, is as graceful as a military tank. It is harsh and hard, forcing your body into painful positions then scolding you for grimacing. But still, I did it, I worked until toes bled and muscles ached. I was proud of myself, I thought that I too could make magic. So, as on the first snowy day of winter, I readied myself for the sweetness of fate to dissolve like golden dripping honey on the tip of my tongue.
Then came a string of moments, waiting for me to hold them, to give them home and call them mine. Competitions that one by one faded away like dewy dreams when the sun inevitably rises and again it is morning. I realized that I was not a flower god had picked to watch its petals dance under his breath. I didn't have this magic. Because when it came down to it, after the training, the pain, the failure... I realized that this gift was an exercise in endurance, a race between your body and the tears behind your eyes. Ballerinas are real people not floating fairies or bowing swans, it wasn't magic, it never was. Because magic doesn't exist.
Since then I didn't try at much, only the most basic of things. I kept myself clean and organized, I kept up with my studies, and I owned up to my responsibilities. Nothing much else, I was scared, even the thought of a new journey gave me the looming feeling of failure. I sealed that light back up inside me, hoping it would go out if left unattended. I no longer allowed that extra something to push me to doing great things, I couldn't be a ballerina, or a doctor, or a pianist. I was nothing great. It wasn't in me, and it never would be.
I was caught in the darkness left behind by my ambition, and it made me cold and sharp around the edges. The tension between my wants and my actions was too thick for any knife to cut. I didn't blame my classmates for staying away, to them i was the awkward but dependable loner whose seriousness made her ideal for student leadership. I was a failed ballerina whose body was trained to smile against pain, to emulate beauty because tears were for the dressing room. They didn't know how i really felt, how scared I was. At least that's what I thought, having been surrounded by faces who mistook my restraint for maturity, never stopping to wonder if there was more…how could I think any different?
"Hey!"
A desperate cry hit me as I walked down a lonely staircase. I spun around, unsure of what I'd find on the landing behind me.
"I'm Nozomi Tojo!"
A girl with long silky hair stood, looking frightened but determined. She was unsure of herself but had shouted at me anyway.
"Y-you're the new girl, right?" I stuttered out of pure shock, I was a person of routine as clear as neatly polished glass. This girl, with her round cheeks and full lips didn't look it, but she was strong enough to break even diamond.
"Yes," She replied and the change in her tone snatched the breath out of my lungs. How did a voice so delicate come out so tough only a moment before?
"Well, Miss Tojo I will see you in class tomorrow," I was subtly panicked, I wanted more than anything to leave, to continue my day with as little interruption as possible. I couldn't keep talking to her, what would I say? But as I turned to go-
"Wait," she rushed towards me, and as her fingers grazed my arm, our eyes met, "you didn't tell me your name yet!"
"Eli Ayase."
She smiled up at me, her green eyes crinkling at the corners, and suddenly I felt warm. A pale glow stretched inside of me like it had been waiting to wake up for a lifetime. I felt the smallness of tears building on the edges of my eyes. This girl, Nozomi, with her mature body and knowing posture, smiled at me like a kindergartener making her first friend. I had made her smile and she was glowing like the first spring sun, melting all that came before it. From that moment I never wanted to her to stop.
Oh god, what if she does stop? What if she stops smiling because...because of me?
"I have to go!" I pulled away from her and turning in a pirouette, ran down the stairs so quickly I could only hear the faint sound of a giggle bouncing down the stories of our high school.
My hair curled around my shoulders, fanning in the hot water I was soaking in.
In the calm of the moment my mind wandered to the girl who'd shouted at me only a few weeks ago, making the light hair on my arms stand up in a confused shock. She hadn't spoken to me since, but whenever I caught her soft glances she'd smile and giggle at the strange cards she held like a lover's hand in the creases of her palm. I was so scared during that first encounter, I didn't know what she had wanted from me, but this was worse. Now I felt like she'd seen everything i was and changed her mind. All these thoughts encroached on my mind, pouncing with the timing of a skilled and active anxiety. Nothing was happening, and I worried, but when something did happen, something different and scary but exhilarating, I ran. I didn't know what to feel. I looked into the soft water of my reflection, which wavered parallel to my thoughts, and searching for some buried answer in my own eyes, I found nothing but solitude. What am I doing here?
The next morning I made my usual way to school, accompanied only by the clicking of my shoes on the stone walkway and greeted only by the entrance gate. I took a breath that filled me so rapidly I almost coughed in pain. I had to remind myself that this was really my life, and that nothing was wrong with the pain of only having a classroom to look forward to.
"Today's the day," A voice outside my own graced my ears, and I exhaled so calmly i could have sworn it was the voice of enlightenment. "Are you ready, Elichi?"
My eyes followed the breathy sound to find it had come out of plump lips. Nozomi let out a laugh that made the very air settle sweetly on my skin. She watched me, amused by the confusion on my face as I prayed she hadn't noticed my dazed intoxication. Washing away any expression, i attempted to compile a steely composure.
"Good morning Miss Tojo"
Laughing, she replied "Didn't you hear me?" and i thought i noticed something like teasing in her tone.
"Were you addressing me?" I asked sincerely.
"Of course, Elichi!" She winked
"But that's not my na-" I stopped with the embarrassing realization that since starting high school not a single classmate had called my name- let alone a nickname. But my thoughts were quickly interrupted:
"Also you should call me Nozomi from now on!" She looked like she'd just realized my lack of familiarity.
"I can't do that, we hardly know each other!"
"Maybe... but," She replied thoughtfully "I feel like I've been waiting to know you for so long that even at first sight we couldn't possibly be strangers…"
I didn't know what to say. Silence stared me in the face, my awkwardness running shocks through the relaxation she emitted. I felt my cheeks heat and averted my eyes from hers, as if it would stop her from noticing.
"C'mon," She giggled "let's walk to class together!"
Before I had a chance to protest, her hand was grasping mine, it felt like satin against my skin as she guided me through the crowds of chatting underclassmen. A mischievous gleam was visible from the corner of her eye and i wondered what it could possibly mean. Thoughts poured through my mind awakened only by a ringing bell. I found myself in my seat. I glanced around only to be met by a green eyed wink.
"Settle down everyone, class is starting." The teacher had begun. "As you know today is the election for our second student council vice president."
I watched my classmates exchange glances, I knew they thought my strict bearing as president had driven the other girl away. They weren't completely wrong, I wanted to honor our school and because of that I demanded full commitment and attention, but my former vice president was more preoccupied with other club's activities. She decided it would be in both our best interests if she turned the position over to someone more serious about student leadership. But I knew better, this was an election of the inevitable, where no one runs, no one votes, and I'm left alone. As always.
"Who would like to be considered for vice president?" The teacher asked the pointless question as a formality. I wanted to say, 'it's fine, I work best on my own.' to save myself from the dry eyes of pity that would surely follow this so-called election. Then I heard the squeak of a chair, could someone actually be standing?
"I would," A lone voice rang "I haven't been here for very long, but already i feel at home in this school and I would be honored to work alongside the president."
Again those green eyes met mine and I saw the true sincerity she had been saving for just this moment.
After that it was settled, with no real need to vote the single candidate was accepted into office and as the school day came to a close we were left alone in the dusty student council room. Nozomi had spent the day following my footsteps and doing her best to learn the inner working of student government, every time I got frustrated or nervous from the dictation of school mandates and budget reviews i found her palm resting on my shoulder. This might actually work.
"Not bad for my first day, huh Elichi?" Nozomi noted
I wanted to reply lightly, to keep the crinkles in the corners of her eyes but my mind had been tripping over itself all day. I needed to ask her if this was what she meant when she said 'today is the day'. But somehow it wouldn't come out, my body had been drained and i no longer held watered down emotion. Today had been a sudden rush of something raw and genuine inside of me, like my lips had just touched the unbroken surface of an ocean I didn't even realize was drowning me.
"You're amazing." rolled off my tongue, a truth i hadn't realized until now. My face heated when i heard her chuckle at words apparently said out loud.
"I mean you were amazing!" I said too loudly "you did a great job, i look forward to being with you- to working with you!"
"Here," She laughed scribbling something on a stray paper "my number, feel free to text or call me anytime!"
"Why are you-" I started
"I'm the vice president, i'm here to support you, in and outside of student council." She handed me the slip of paper and glided towards the door.
"Wait!" I called to her.
Her head turned and every hair swayed like a summer breeze, it warmed me from across the room. I had a million questions to ask her, I felt nearly numb from the buzzing of ideas. Where was she from? Why did she join the student council? How did she always seem to collected but never came off as cold? What was this… this magic that shimmered in her eyes when she laughed? How was it that her lips seemed to sing every word to a song I'd written in my the pit of my stomach, where my hopes and fear hide from the light? Could I sing it someday too?
Lost for words in the moment, I watched the particles of dust flow around her in the soft light, sparkling like mist in the form of her curved silhouette. I reached for the strength inside of me that I abandoned so many years ago and hoped that in bitterness it would not refuse me as I drew breath to ask this ethereal figure:
"Can I walk you home?"