Disclaimer: i do not own any of the disney or kingdom hearts characters in this story. they are owned by sony or...something...i dont really know.
Warning: this story contains the major bashing of all disney and some kingdom hearts characters. enjoy.
THE KINGDOM WARS:
SORA'S CONQUESTS
A CHARMING VICTORY: PART ONE
After destroying so many heartless in the first two years of his existence where people cared, Sora realized that he was far more superior than all that lived in the Kingdom Hearts story-land. He decided to use his strength and insane lack of empathy to take over the entire Kingdom Hearts world. After forcing Goofy and Donald to accompany him, Sora set out to his first world of choice to dominate. This was the Kingdom of King Fatstache and his son Prince Charming.
Sora and his comrades were hiding behind a large pillar in the King's meeting hall, listening to his every word. They had parked their Gummi ship, the Fuck Riku, in a forest clearing just outside the village. Sora listened intently to King Fatstache's plans as he stood perched on Goofy's face, not because he needed to see over something, but because he felt like it.
" Every eligible maiden must attend! Charming must be married by tomorrow tonight so that I may have grandchildren and not be a lonely old sod!" The King bellowed, smacking his advisor across the face with a painting of his hand (you see, he was too rich to use his actual hand).
"But sire," said the Grand Vizier Maximus Monocle, "Charming will be sure to suspect-"
" But what could be more fitting for his return from the Kingdom Wars than a great ball. If he just happens to meet the girl of his dreams, who are we to stop him?" King Fatstache chuckled at his own genius and then struck a nearby servant with a painting of his scepter.
" As you wish sire. I shall notify the villagers immediately." And with that, Monocle and the King took their leave.
" Hmmm," Sora mused, " a royal ball eh? This could come in handy with my overtaking of this palace." Sora pondered for a moment, making Goofy stroke his chin for him for effect.
"Aha!" he exclaimed, " I have the perfect plan! We shall overtake a house on the outskirts of town and wait for the vizier to arrive with the invitation. First we kill him, then, using one of the dresses of the hostages, we dress Goofy as a…uh…fair, maiden. Then we marry him off to the Prince and have him make his first royal decree as Princess be the hiring of the new vizier…ME! We shall then take the King and Prince prisoner, telling the villagers that they're dead, and I, being the sole heir, will take the throne!!!" He cackled madly and Goofy struggled under the weight of his gargantuan shoes as he shook with insane laughter.
"Of coarse," he continued, " If all else fails, we simply take the Kingdom by force, using my newly powerful KEYBLADE!!! I got it off KeyBay when we defeated whoever we defeated in Kingdom Hearts 2."
Their plan made, the three crusaders traveled in disguise through the village ( Sora as a rich Noble, Donald as a servant and Goofy as a sack of potatoes) to the outskirts of town. They soon came upon an old manor with ivy growing up the walls and inactive fountain in the courtyard. Sora decided it was best that they observe the inhabitants for the day and find out when the best time to take over would be. The grand Vizier arrived later that afternoon and delivered the invitations for the ball. Once he was out of sight from the house, Sora skewered him with his Keyblade and chucked the body behind some bushes. After that, he continued his observations. By the end of the night, Sora figured he had a pretty good idea about how things were run, but he couldn't wait any longer for the perfect attack time.
Not bothering to knock, Sora busted the door down using Goofy as a battering ram and stomped into the hall.
" Who lives here?! I demand you come down here at once and be captured," he screamed like a psychopath. Sure enough, a senile woman, two hideous girls and a relatively good-looking one plus a cat and some mice came into the hall from various parts of the house.
" Alright now," Sora yelled, " you are all now my hostages!" At this the bitch-looking ancient and her two sideshow freak daughters huddled together in fear. The pretty servant girl on the other hand stepped forward.
" You mean I won't be doing chores for that old hag and the two he-women anymore?" She had much hope on her face.
" Uh yeah I guess," Sora said stupidly, " You just gotta be all…you know…hostagey and junk."
The girl danced around and yelled with delight. " You know, I'd be happy to work for you, as long as you let me make their lives a living hell." She seemed very delighted at this, but Sora had other plans.
" Now you listen to me you insolent slave! I have been observing this house for the past twenty-four hours and it seems there are some changes in order. The crusty old witch has treated you badly, but if you do not obey me I assure you I shall be far worse!! Now, first things first, the pig-faced cat named after the devil will be my lieutenant and oversee the hostages, as he proved to be both entertaining and cruel. Next, the mice seemed to be pulling most of the weight of the chores and were quite handy when it came to making you a dress for the ball, so they will each be rewarded with a potato from Goofy's sack and will then alter the girl's dress to fit Goofy. You servant girl, what's your name?"
" It's Cinderella."
" Ew. Ok whatever. Cinderservant will guard the hostages, as they will be confined to one room."
" Why are you doing this you deranged maniac?" This was the old woman speaking, her eyes wide with fear and anger.
" Because I can you wrinkled old she-devil! Now, you have your orders, GET TO IT!!" And with that, the hostages went to their positions and Sora gave each of the mice a potato before beating the rest of them out of Goofy for dinner later.
" As it grew dark, and Goofy was dressed and ready for the ball, Sora realized that he had forgotten a crucial element of his plan: transportation.
" Oh! How could I have been so ignorant! We can't take Goofy to the ball on foot! They won't believe he's noble enough to marry the prince!" Sora paced back and forth in front of the hostage room, pouring hot oil on Donald to calm his mind.
" Well…" said Cinderella, who was quite enjoying her guard duty, " when ever I have a serious problem, my fairy godmother helps me."
" What? You mean you can summon that old crone? I haven't seen her since I murdered Merlin back at the beginning of the Kingdom Wars. How can you get her here?" Sora was becoming excited, and he thanked Satan for his good luck.
" Well, last time she showed up when I was crying because my dad died. But I don't really know how to just call her." Cinderella shrugged, regretting sharing her information as she saw the devious look on Sora's face.
" I have a plan," he said sinisterly, " we'll set up an anti-fairy barrier circle in the courtyard, then, Cinderella will cry and pretend to be devastated because she can't go to the ball. Then, when the magic hag appears, Cinderella runs out of the circle and we have her trapped! It's brilliant!" He cackled maniacally and smacked one of the mice off the banister.
" How're ya gonna make an anti-fairy circle Sora? Hyuck!"
" Simple Goofy," Sora said, " we draw a circle using the blood of a simpleton." He took a dagger from his pocket and made to cut himself, but then quickly turned and cut Donald's right wing off.
Donald screamed in pain. "Hey!" he raged in his incomprehensible duck speech, " What did you do that for! I thought you were going to cut yourself! SCRAAAHHBBABBBAAAAHHHH!! (whatever Donald's angry outcries sound like.)"
"Fool! You think I would scar my own flesh! You're simpler than I thought! I would have used Goofy but we need him in good condition or the Prince will never fall for him." He then drew a circle with Donald's bloody wing and then chucked it into the empty fountain.
" Well, that's that. Now Cinderella, you're up!" Sora grabbed Goofy and the slowly-bleeding-to-death-Donald and hid behind a large tree. Cinderella stepped reluctantly into the circle and kneeled in the center. She began to cry rather weakly until Sora threw a stick at her and yelled for her to be more convincing. He threw the stick so hard that when it hit her she cried for real, which worked out nicely. Before long, there was an annoying glittery pop and the Fairy Godmother appeared. Cinderella ran quickly out of the circle and onto the lawn. The Fairy Godmother was puzzled and tried to follow her, but she was knocked back when she attempted to cross the blood line.
Sora jumped from behind the tree, laughing in triumph. " Aha! We caught her! Good work Cinderella, you shall be head of palace guard when I take over."
Cinderella, who had still been crying a bit from having a stick chucked at her, beamed and her tears stopped.
" Now that I have you trapped Fairy Godmother, you will do as I say or remain trapped in the circle forever!" Sora whipped at rock at her, which she then attempted to throw back but it bounced off the circle's walls and hit her in the eye.
" Ha ha! Things can go in, but not out!" Sora cackled and danced around the circle chanting like a tribal chieftain.
" What do you want you horrible little beast?!" The Fairy Godmother bellowed, one hand over her swollen eye.
Sora stopped dancing and went close to the circle. " I need you to create a carriage and some horses for us to go to the ball. And throw in a footman and some whisky while you're at it."
" Never! Why should I help you after what you've done to me!" The Fairy Godmother attempted to beam herself out of the circle, but the spell backfired on her and burned all her hair away.
" Well, if you want to play it that way…suppose I decide to put a running hose inside the circle? Then what eh? Things go in but not out! So I suggest you do as I command before you find yourself in a watery grave old witch!" Sora chucked several more rocks at her until she finally gave in.
" All right! I'll do it you heartless monster!"
" That's more like it. Horses and carriage, and MAKE IT SNAPPY!"
The Fairy Godmother waved her wand and the broken fountain twisted and turned until it became a glorious stone carriage. The mice were turned into five noble steeds (there should have been six but the mouse that Sora knocked off the banister died from the fall). Sora opened the carriage door and inspected it.
" Not bad grandma relatively good craftsman ship and…what the fuck! Donald's bloody wing is in here!" Sora threw the wing into the circle, but it missed the Fairy Godmother.
" Well you did throw it into the fountain after you cut it off him," said Cinderella, who was tossing random stones and leaves into the anti-fairy ring.
" Oh yeah," Sora said, " well, it'll do, but we need a footman…and where's my whisky!"
The Fairy Godmother waved her wand once more, turning Donald into a half-dead, one-armed footman and the Lieutenant cat into a large bottle of whisky. Sora drank the whisky cat in one gulp and then chucked the bottle at the Fairy.
" Well, now that all is finished, I suppose we'll be off. Cinderella, stay here and guard the Fairy Godmother and the other hostages until we return. This shouldn't take long, seeing as I swiped a love potion from Merlin before I killed him and burned his house down. We'll just slip it into the Princes drink when he's not looking and he'll fall for Goofy the instant he sees him, providing he's the first thing he sees." With that, Sora loaded himself and Goofy into the carriage, stepped on Donald as he went. Donald got into the drivers seat and cracked the horses' whip. The horses jolted forward, knocking him off the seat and trampling him as the carriage traveled swiftly along the dirt road towards Fatstache's castle.