This was written for school in 2002 when I was in eighth grade and still thought it was cool to deliberately misspell words and miss punctuation just to prove that I was not a nerd, when I litter my fanfics with author's notes in the middle of the story and end them with LOL and R&R ad nauseum. But I do like this story and I might as well preserve it here. I have not changed any of the writing (not much to change) but simply fixed up the atrocious spelling and punctuation.

The REAL Story of the Princess and Me (the Pea)

Have you ever heard of the story of the princess and the pea? Of course you have. Do you believe it? I don't. I witnessed it all, and that story they told is as fake as can be. Let me tell you the REAL story.

Let me introduce myself. I am The Pea. Just call me, well, I don't know, just call me "The Pea", I guess.

Once upon a time...ok, ok, I know that's a pretty boring start. Let's try again.

That night, I was outside in my pod, freezing to death. The gardeners came to tend to me and said I was not ready to be eaten yet. I'd say, being stuck in this freezing weather, I'd rather be eaten that frozen. The gardeners went on talking about the Crown Prince who wanted to marry a real princess. They say he traveled around the world to find her but hadn't.

I can still remember it as though it had happened yesterday, the night that changed my left. It was a stormy nigh, and the temperature went down to -30*C. I looked longingly at the palace doors, wishing myself in the arm cellar with my fellow pea friends. Suddenly, I saw a shadow fighting the wind towards the palace.

"Who'd be out in this weather?" I asked myself.

Some time later, the gardeners came out and got me out of my pod (took them long enough). They said I was to be put under 20 quilts and 20 mattresses. TWENTY? That would be 40 layers of bedding! How was I supposed to survive? I was too depressed to hear what they said next. I think it was something about a real princess being proven.

Sure enough. The Queen was in the bedroom, all the quilts, mattresses and pillows were on the floor. The put me on the bedstead, and piled quilts, mattresses and pillows on top of me. I couldn't move a muscle. The whole night, the princess (or so she said) slept soundly. She slept soundly alright, but I was not having a good time. She was so heavy that I could hardly bear it. I rolled out of the bed and jumped up and pinched the princes on the nose. The princess woke up and saw me, I was so scared she would eat me that I jumped off the bed and under the bedding. That's how she knew I was there. There was no way, not even a real princess could feel me through all those mattresses and quilts.

The next morning, the Queen came to ask how the princess slept. She moaned:

"I could hardly sleep all night. I was lying on something so hard that I'm black and blue all over!"

She's black and blue! What about ME?

The princess married the prince and they lived happily ever after. *yawn* Yeah, you know the rest.

Now comes the exciting part. The part about ME! I got to be put on a velvet cushion in a museum and people from all over the world came to admire me. I also got the "Honorable Pea Award." Cool, right? One night, a black shadow came in and stole me out of the museum. Guess where I am now? I am in the robber's house, telling him the story.

NO! No! Robber, no! Don't eat me, please! I'm hard and old! NO! Robber, DON'T! Aaaargh!

THE END