More like me
There was bitterness in his voice. He may not have intended for it to be there, but I heard it, tasted it in my own throat before the pain washed it away with my blood. And though I should be glad that he's come to accept my death, I didn't expect to feel hurt that he would think becoming more like me would be such a bad thing. There's a part of me that knows Sam wasn't trying to hurt me deliberately, but he couldn't hide his resentment. I felt it like I felt the knives cutting into my gut. What did I expect? After all, I called him on why he was acting so unlike the Sam I know, the Sam I grew up with, the Sam I raised. What answer was I expecting to get? The stock Dean Winchester lines, "Oh, I'm fine, everything's fine, everything's just hunky-dory"? Maybe a part of me was. I'm the king of denial, aren't I? Denying that I'm really going to Hell, denying that I'm leaving Sam to fight evil all alone just like he said, denying that I'm scared out of my mind about dying, that deep down I really don't want to die? But I can't tell Sam that. I can't lay a crap load more guilt on him than I already have. He tells me he wants me to admit that I am scared, but what good would that do?
I don't want Sam to change, but who am I kidding? He's right. He has to survive. I'd want him to survive after I'm gone, but my heart breaks every time I see less and less of the Sam I know. I hate seeing my reflection in his eyes. I don't want him to be more like me, but how can I stop it now? The damage has been done.
How can one man screw so much up? All I ever wanted to do was protect my family, protect Sam. I never wanted this for him. But there it is, all of my failures staring back at me. I told Bobby that maybe my life would have more meaning, sacrificing it for Sam, but I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe all that meaning will just end up ashes at wherever my grave will end up.
"Look, Dean, you're leaving, right? And I gotta stay here in this craphole of a world, alone, so the way I see it, if I'm gonna make it, if I'm gonna fight this war after you're gone then I gotta change."
"Change into what?"
"Into you…I gotta be more like you."
There was no forgiveness there. Not for the monsters he's killed, not for the humans who were unlucky enough to get in his way, not for me. Just survival. Nothing more.
Damn it. He's already too much like me.
And I hate to say it, but Ruby was right. I have to help Sam. Even though it's killing me to destroy the Sam who cared about humanity and the sanctity of life, he can't feel sorry for the lives he'll have to take. Like she said, I have to get him prepared for life without me, to be more like me. Doesn't mean I have to like it though.
Humanity. What Ruby said…about what Hell does to your humanity…that all demons start out human and that Hell burns their humanity out of them, makes them forget who they were…and that I might end up that way, I won't lie, it scares the living crap out of me, but what scares me even more is that, some day, I might meet Sam as a demon, black-eyed and staring into the face of the one person I cared about most and I won't know him. I won't remember that he's my brother, that I love him, and that all I'll want to do is kill him. I can only hope to God that if that moment comes, I'll remember enough to just let him kill me because I'd rather be dead than kill him.
"There's no way of saving me from the pit, is there?"
"No."
Funny, I knew what the answer would be and yet, when she said, "no", I don't know…for a moment there, I was kind of hoping she'd say that there was and surprise me. Hope's a bitch sometimes. She just keeps hanging on when it might be easier just to let me go.
"You need to help me get him ready. For life without you, to fight this war on his own."
She was right.
"Sam's almost there, but not quite."
Right again. He is almost there. I can see it and I hate that I do.
"I'm not like them. I don't know why. I…I wish I was, but I'm not. I remember what it's like."
"What what's like?"
"Being human."
Damn it! There goes that hope again. Maybe if Ruby can remember her humanity, I can too. Won't know if I don't try, I guess. Got nothing to lose, right? And I will try my damnedest if it means helping Sam win this war somehow, someway.