Seems like forever ago that I updated this randomness, but... here we are.

This one, much like the last one, is more Glee than Kick-Ass. But we've still got our sweary, offensive, badass Kurt. He's pretty much the only reason this fic is rated M.
Oh yeah, and this is all from Kurt's point of view.

Don't forget to review my, Humble Readers. It's the only way I'll learn.

And, still, no matter how hard I try, I don't own anything.

Random bit of Glee/Kick-Ass fic

Lately I had been feeling rather... I don't know. I can't even really describe it. It wasn't like I wasn't happy with my new life or anything. Going to classes, Cheerios practice, hanging out with Brittany and Santana, teasing Finn, ruining Quinn Frabray's life – all this things were fun. But they just seemed so trivial compared to what life used to be for me. It was nice being a normal kid at first, but now I just felt kind of... bored.

Every time I'd watch the News and see all these criminals – the thieves and murderers and drug dealers and rapists – it just reminded me what my life used to be all about. It was just me and my father out on the streets, dealing with all these fuckers in a much more affective way than the cops ever could. We were making a difference. About a year ago, my biggest worry was getting shot at close range and my bulletproof vest not stopping it for some reason. Now I was expected to worry about popularity. About parties, and cheerleading, who's screwing who, and stupid rumours and gossip. All this lame high school stuff was supposed to be the centre of my life now, and I didn't mind at first. Now it all just seemed ridiculous.

I tried to make the most of it though. Fucking with Quinn Frabray was pretty fun in an average sort of way. One particularly uneventful day I cornered her in the locker room after Cheerios practice. It was just the two of us, a set up which I could tell straight away that she wasn't happy about.

"What do you want, Princess?" she scoffed, folding her arms and glaring at me.

"I'm just saying hello, Quinnie," I said pleasantly. "There's no need to be a bitch about it."
"Oh, whatever," she said. "You never talk to me unless it's some snarky comment during practice. And don't think I don't know what you've been saying to Ms. Sylvester about me."
"And what exactly have I been saying to Coach Sylvester about you?" I said, arching an eyebrow.

"Coach, I've compiled a list of people on the squad who I believe aren't pulling their weight."

I put the list on her desk which she picked up and gave a quick glance.

"There's only one name on here," she said. "Quinn Frabray."

"I know it sounds harsh, Coach," I insisted. "But she's really the weak link in the team, and I believe you should consider rethinking her captaincy. She's becoming sloppy and this close to Nationals as well. It just won't do."

She looked at me for a second, her cold eyes reading me, before saying "Well, you've never been wrong before, Lady Face. I'll keep an eye on Q. I won't stand for sloppiness. I need that trophy."

"Happy to help, Coach," I said with a smirk.

"Look, Hummel," said Quinn. "Why don't just leave me alone? You've messed up my life enough as it is."

"Trust me, Saint Frabray," I said with my hands on my hips. "There are so many more things I could do to fuck with your life. I've barely scratched the surface, sweetie."

She squared up to me with her eyes narrowed looking like she was ready to hit me. When will she learn that I could easily snap her scrawny ass in half like a twig?

"I don't believe you," she sneered. "You're bluffing."

"You wish," I said with a smirk. "I could, for example, tell the whole school about you and that show choir psycho, Rachel Berry."

"There's nothing to tell," she said through gritted teeth.

"Oh really?" I said, my smirk getting bigger. "Because I was in the bathroom the other day fixing my hair, and I heard the strangest thing coming from one of the cubicles."

Her eyes became even narrower. She had probably the least threatening glare ever.

"Now, I don't know what was said exactly," I continued. "But it went somewhere along the lines of 'Oh God, Quinn, that's so good... oh Rachel, put your fingers right there...'"

"Shut up!" she cried.

"So you're denying it?" I asked.

"Of course I am!" she said angrily. "I am not a dyke, and even if I was I certainly wouldn't go anywhere near that freak, Rachel Berry!"

"Deny it all you want, sweetie," I said calmly. "I know what I heard, and I could quite easily tell the whole school."

"You wouldn't dare!" she said, starting to sound hysterical.

"Oh, but I would."

"No one would believe you anyway!"

"So you're admitting it now?"

"No! I... stop it!"

I laughed a little. As trivial as this was, it was still pretty amusing.

"And to think," I said wistfully. "You give me so much shit for being gay, saying I need to be saved and so on, and you preach to all those poor girls in the Celibacy Club about saving yourself for marriage. And yet you're secretly fucking some girl who no one likes. Jesus will not be pleased."

"For goodness sake, stop it!" she yelled. She looked like she was about to cry. "Okay, I admit it. Me and Rachel have been an item for a while now, but please don't tell anyone! If anyone was to find out about this it would ruin me. Rachel is a friendless nobody who gets slushied every day by the jocks, and I'm head cheerleader and president of the Celibacy Club. We just don't mix. And if my parents ever found out I was gay..."

"Okay, okay, I get. Quit your bitching," I said. "But just keep in mind that I know your dirty little secret, and I'm not afraid to spread it around if you piss me off."

Quinn frowned, looking at the ground. "Fine."

She was just about to leave when a thought popped into my head. "Wait. If you're a lesbian, why do you care so much that Finn likes me more than you?"

She turned around slowly and signed. "It was flattering that he was crushing on me so much. I guess it was just kind of sad to see him looking at you like that instead of me."

"What, because I'm a guy?" I scoffed.

"Of course not," she said. "I know Finn's bi. Everybody's known since him and Noah Puckerman hooked up at this party about a year ago. Word travelled fast."

"I thought Finn was a virgin?" I asked.

"Maybe not with a guy, which I don't really approve of," she sighed. "Why do you care?"

"No reason," I said quietly.

To be honest, I couldn't tell you why I cared so much. But, when I thought about it for a while as I drove home, suddenly it made sense why Finn not being a virgin hit a nerve. It was because I always thought of Finn as... mine. He was my Finn, my giant dumbass who was a total pussy but, at the same time, incredibly sweet and loveable. No matter how horrible I was to him – no matter how much I insulted him and teased him and, in some cases, threatened to kill him – he was always so adorably obsessed with me. He would always look at me with nervous admiration, like I was the only person in the world that he wanted. I just didn't like that idea of him feeling that way about anyone else.

And with Noah Puckerman as well? Could he have picked more of a fucking douche for his first time? I had seen that jackass chucking slushies in people's faces and hitting on any girl who was vaguely attractive. Trust him to be bi as well, like he was such a man-whore that he'd run of girls to screw around with. I couldn't even comprehend why Finn was friends with that dickhead, let alone why he'd give it up to him one drunken night. This whole thing was making me a lot angrier than I cared to admit.

The moment I got home I went straight down to my room to find something to calm myself down. I felt like beating the shit out of my punching bag or throwing knives at my mannequin or something, but instead I settled for twirling my sai swords as that was probably the least violent option and the one less likely to make me want to put my Hit Boy mask on and go off into the night to find some criminal to kill. I was meant to be retired from all that. And I could always just count this as practice for the Cheerios. Because what were sai swords if not just pointy batons? Okay, so in my head I was imagining stabbing Puckerman in the face with said pointy batons, but still.

I couldn't really tell how much time had gone by, but soon I heard the front door open and close and heavy footsteps coming down my stairs.

"You know, you really need to learn how to be more stealthy, dumbass," I said. "If I didn't already know it was you I would have chucked one of these swords at your head by now."

"Oh, erm..." muttered Finn in his usual dense and confused way.

"Just sit down," I said, as I could tell that trying to think of something to say was proving almost painful for him.

Sometimes I wondered why I allowed him to have a key to my house. I guess it was just so nice having someone care about me after... everything. He basically lived here for the first few weeks after it happened, no matter how many times I told him to go home. He just didn't have it in him to leave me alone. And I couldn't help but find that totally adorable. Yes, he was a complete fucking dumbass, but he was my complete fucking dumbass. If he didn't care about me he would have left me alone by now. Which reminds me... I'm still mad at him!

"I'm not very happy with you, Finn," I said, still twirling my sai swords and refusing to look at him.

"Why?" he asked. "What did I do?"

"Why didn't you tell me about you and Noah Puckerman?" I said.

I could tell without looking at him that he was taken aback.

"Me and... and Puck?" he mumbled. "How did you...?"

"Quinn told me," I said simply. "Right after I finished outing her as the rug-munching hypocrite that she is. Oh no, wait, I wasn't supposed to tell anybody about that. Ah well."

"Wait a second," said Finn. "Quinn's a lesbian?"

"Let's not get side-tracked, dumbass," I said sternly. "You still haven't told me why you never said anything about you and that asshole, Puckerman."

"It was just a one-time thing," he answered quietly. "I didn't see any point in mentioning it. I'd just got shot down by Quinn again, and I was drunk and lonely and Puck was just there."

"Please tell me you regretted fucking that bastard," I said.

"Totally!" he said, maybe a little too quickly. "The next day back at school I saw him hitting on some Cheerio like nothing happened. It didn't matter at all to him, just another lay. So I just... stopped talking about it."

The desire to stab Puckerman in the face grew about ten times bigger after hearing that. I stopped twirling my sai swords and looked at Finn. My poor dumbass looked like a big abandoned puppy. I swear, I was going to kick Puckerman ass.

"Why do you care so much?" he asked quietly.

For once, I couldn't actually think of anything to say.

"You wouldn't be so pissed off if you didn't care," he continued. "What does it matter if I slept with Puck one time if you and me are just friends? Admit it, Kurt. You like me just as much as I like you."

Oh, for fuck sake, the one time he's actually right about something!

"Don't be ridiculous, Finn," I said, putting my swords back in their case. "The only reason it pisses me off so much is because you let that prick take advantage of you."
"Yeah, right," he scoffed. "That may be part of the reason, but it's mainly just because your jealous."
"I am not fucking jealous," I said, glaring at him. "Honestly, I show a little bit concern for your wellbeing and suddenly you think I'm in love with you!"
"But you are," he said.
"No, I am not!" I insisted. Maybe I was protesting a little bit too much. I could see that he didn't believe me.

Suddenly he got up and walked up to me, wrapping his arms around me so fast that I couldn't push him off. He looked down at me for a fraction of a second. I hated how much of a giant he was compared to me, it made taking control so difficult when he wasn't sitting down. Without any warning, his lips were on mine, hard and passionate and a little needy. Shit, why did he have to be such a great kisser? He was making it so hard for me not to feel anything. I was just beginning to melt into his kiss a little bit when he pulled away. I never said he could pull away. I could have fucking killed him for pulling away.
"Kurt," he said softly. "Even though I know that you're totally bad for me, I love you. I love you more than anything. And I know that you'll probably never, ever admit it, but you love me too. Deep down, you know you do. You love me just as much as I love you."

We looked at each other for a while, and I knew that there was no point in trying to lie. For someone so stupid he could read me like a book.

"You're right," I said quietly, narrowing my eyes. "I'm never, ever going to admit it. Not in a million years."

He smirked. "So you do love me then?"

"Make me say it out loud and I will make your death look like suicide," I said.

I could actually feel him shiver. "Fair enough. I know you love me, so that's good enough for me."

I couldn't help but smirk at that. "Oh dumbass, you're so easy to please."

Okay, so maybe this new normal life of mine wasn't so uneventful.

Hope you enjoyed, Humble Readers.
REVIEWS ARE LOVE.

xxx