A/N: So this is a different way the episode 'On My Way' could have went. This is AU, where the bullying Rachel endured had more of an affect on her. Also Rachel and Finn never got back together at the end of season 2. Everything else leading up to this episode is cannon however. Please let me know what you think. There will be at least one more chapter, possibly two.
Rachel Berry sat on the stage floor, her legs tucked to her side. She stared down at her hands, the rest of the clubs' mindless chatter nothing more than static to her ears. Her mind could only seem to focus on the event learned earlier that day. [David…why?] She frowned, her lips pressed into a thin line. Suicide. She shook her head when she felt a pair of eyes on her. Rachel looked up and saw Puck, his gaze steady on her. She offered him a small smile as footsteps approached the group.
"Mr. Shue, why do you have a jar of peanut butter and only one spoon?" Mercedes asked. Mr. Shue sat down beside Puck and Tina, a jar of peanut butter firm in his hand, the spoon balanced between two fingers.
"Yeah, there are about 15 of us here and I'm only comfortable sharing a spoon with about half of you." Sugar added; this caused a few of the club members to chuckle. Rachel frowned further. She wasn't in the mood to be joking around. Sure, she didn't like David and they weren't friends, however he tried to kill himself. They shouldn't be allowed to smile or laugh.
"Well, it's come to my attention that our good friend Rory Flanagan has never tasted peanut butter!" Mr. Shue smiled as all eyes turned on Rory. The small Irish boy smiled, his cheeks reddened at the sudden burst of attention. Rachel smiled at the transfer student. A sudden spew of comments filled the auditorium. 'No way!' 'Are you serious?' 'You're kidding, right?!' 'What?!' "Rory if you don't mind."
Rory stood up and approached Mr. Shue who met him half way and handed him the jar and spoon. Everyone watched with bated breath as Rory opened the jar and took a spoonful of the creamy tan spread; he placed the spoon in his mouth a bit unsure. Everyone smiled when he moaned and went for a second bite.
"Oh my god! That has to be the best thing I've ever had." His accent was thick. The club clapped and cheered enthusiastically when he took his seat. Mr. Shue clapped his hands as he sat down again.
"Mr. Shue, while that's incredibly moving; it's kind of been an emotional week for some of us." Kurt said and Rachel nodded in agreement.
"Yeah Mr. Shue, what's the point in all this?" Finn asked. He leaned back on his hands. Rachel let her gaze swipe over to him. He sat wedged in between Kurt and Quinn. Rachel moved her gaze over to Mr. Shue when he began to speak.
"The point is, Rory just had a brand-new experience. Something as simple as peanut butter. You guys are young. You have your whole life a head of you." He paused and looked at each student intently. The atmosphere suddenly serious and tension filled. "I want you guys to promise me, that no matter how hard things get, no matter how depressed you feel, no matter how alone you feel, you will try to imagine all of the great things you could experience." Rachel looked down when his gaze fell on her.
Her eyes suddenly stung and her cheeks burned. "Mr. Shue, I know we're a bit dramatic at times, but I don't think any of us would think about taking our life." Mercedes looked around. Mike looked away and shifted in his spot by Tina. Puck fidgeted as he lifted his knees slightly and wrapped his arms around them. The club members suddenly felt uncomfortable. Would any of them actually consider it? The thought of losing a team member sent shivers down everyone's spine.
"I did. Or well, I thought about it." Mr. Shue said. Rachel immediately looked at him. Her eyes searched for truth. She wasn't the only one to. They all stared at their teacher in shock. "Junior year; that was a tough year." Rachel looked over at Kurt, his gaze, however was focused on his lap. "I – uh – cheated on my math midterm. Peaked at the guy next to me and the teacher saw me do it."
"Just 'cause you got caught cheating?" Puck was surprised to say the least. He had cheated more time than he could count. Surely that wasn't something that warranted offing yourself. Mr. Shue looked ashamed and upset. "I get caught cheating all the time." Rachel smiled softly. Her mind whirled with so many conflicting thoughts. She didn't know how to feel. [Mr. Shuester.]
"They called my dad into the office. He was coming to pick me up." He sighed and shook his head. "How was I supposed to look him in the eye? I just kept picturing my dad so disappointed In me." Rachel swallowed thickly. A sudden pressure on her shoulder caused her to turn her head. It was Sam. He gave her a small smile before he dropped his hand. Rachel smiled and nudged his shoulder with hers. "So, I walked up to the roof. I went right to the edge. One step. One step and all the pain and humiliation would be over."
The New Directions team looked so heart broken. Mr. Shues' story had them all near tears. Each could relate to the strange mix of emotions their coach portrayed in his voice. Rachel's vision blurred once more. Her fingers curled around the hem of her dress; a strange pressure built up in the back of head and in the pit of her stomach.
"Is that true?" Kurt asked. His voice, soft as a whisper, carried through the auditorium. Mr. Shue held up his right hand and swore that in the moment he felt like it was 'the end of the world.' No one could look at him.
"But you know what? It wasn't. You know for some of you, getting caught cheating isn't the end of the world. But everyone has something. Something that takes them up to that edge." There was silence. No one dared to talk. "And look at all the things I would have missed out on. I never would've met any of you or Emma. I would have missed out on everything."
More silence; it was deafening. "I did." Everyone turned and looked at Rachel. She stared at her lap for the longest time. "I – I mean I thought about it."
"No you didn't." Quinn said, she tried to brush it off with a small, unsure smile. Rachel looked up, lips pressed into a thin line, eyebrows knitted together.
"Yes I did. Last year." Her voice shook. She could already feel the pity, the doubt and even the disappointment. Surely they must have known. How could they not?
"You're joking, right?" Santana looked at her for a moment before she rolled her eyes. "Come on Rachel. I thought we were over this petty, drama nonsense." She quickly cut in. Rachel frowned.
Mr. Shue tried to speak up."Santana-"
"Really?" Rachel cut him off. "For years, almost all of you bullied me, looked down on me, called me names, even threw slushies at me." Her voice dropped and she fought back the urge to cry. Everyone was silent. Puck looked away from her, his guilt for his treatment of the tiny diva returned. "Is it so hard to believe that I felt alone? Glee was the one place I thought I could belong, that I could be happy. The whole school had already ostracized me, my dads were never home, I thought maybe – just maybe this was the place. But is wasn't; none of you liked me."
"Rachel-" Kurt tried to speak up, but she shook her head and cut him off a few tears made their way down her cheeks.
"I heard it. All the private meetings, the name calling. It wasn't like you tried to hide it either; you only kept me around for my voice. And – and I thought that was okay. Because even if you didn't want me, you still needed me. Better than nothing, right?" she sniffed. "There were moments when we would all get along and were genuinely enjoying each other's company. They never lasted though. Junior year, green room before sectionals."
"'We all just pretend to like you.'" Santana whispered. Rachel nodded, a sad smile on face. No one could bare to look at her.
"You all just sat there, quietly, not able to look at me, just like now. I never felt like more of an idiot and an outcast then right there." She brought her hand up and ran it across her cheeks. "So yeah, I thought about it, more than once." She sounded bitter, [They never even noticed!] she looked at her lap, "more than thought about it." She whispered.
"Rachel?" she looked up at Mr. Shue and saw his concerned eyes. She suddenly realized that she said that last part out loud. She stood up immediately as more tears sprung forth and her face burned from embarrassment. She never meant to reveal any of this; it just sort of just tumbled out. Mr. Shue stood up and reached out to her, but she shrank back.
"I'm sorry, I never meant to say any of that." Her voice trembled as everyone just stared. "I have to go." She quickly turned to leave; she ignored their calls as she ran out of the auditorium.
"I didn't know." Kurt said after a long moment. He stared forward, his mind tried to grasp onto the idea of a world without Rachel Berry. He looked up at Mr. Shue, his eyes full of concern and guilt. "I – I didn't know." He repeated, tears already on the verge of an escape.
"None of us did." Tina murmured. Mike wrapped an arm around her, which brought her closer to him. Mr. Shue looked over each of his students and sighed.
Finn stood up. "I can go talk to her." He threw his thumb over his shoulder in the direction she left, then began to turn around to leave.
"No way." Finn looked back. "You're probably one of the main reasons she ever felt that way." Puck quickly scrambled to his feet. Finn looked at him offended.
"Excuse me?" Finn took a few steps toward his 'Best Friend'.
"I'm just saying playing around with her feelings and shit, going back and forth between her and Quinn probably didn't help." Puck shrugged nonchalantly, yet his gaze was hard and cold.
"I wouldn't talk if I were you! At least I didn't throw slushies at her for years." He yelled back in Pucks' face. "It was probably all your fault Rachel wanted to die."
"Finn stop!" Kurt yelled, clearly upset enough. Puck swung a closed fist at Finn which barely missed. Mike, Sam, and Rory immediately jumped to their feet, in an attempt, to separate them. Mr. Shue stepped in as well.
"Alright guys. Guys Stop!" Mr. Shue yelled and stepped between the two boys. He glared at them, clearly disappointed by the pair. "Fighting and blaming each other won't change anything. All of our behavior contributed."
"What did you do?" Artie asked. Brittany walked over and with the help of Tina they managed to get Artie back into his wheelchair.
Mr. Shue sighed and frowned. "I wasn't there. I knew of and heard what you guys said about her; I was probably even in the room for some of it, and I didn't say anything. Rachel was always strong, she didn't seem like anything bothered her." He shook his head. "Maybe that's why I never spoke up. I thought it didn't bother her."
"You weren't the only one Mr. Shuester." Quinn said. The others nodded. "She was loud, had big dreams, was vibrant and brushed off all the bullying. I never thought anything I had said or done had any real effect on her." She looked ashamed. They all did. All this time and no one had ever noticed. Or maybe they had and just didn't care enough to speak up.