Disclaimer: I don't own anybody except the characters i made up.
Summary: A crossover between Family Guy and Dragon Ball Z.
Peter Griffin: Goku
Lois Griffin: Chichi
Meg Griffin: Leika (fictional character)
Chris Griffin: Gohan
Stewie Griffin: Goten
Brian Griffin: Zaire (fictional dog)
Ollie Williams: Dende
Tom Tucker: Piccolo
Diane Simmons: Bulma Briefs
Brad: Trunks
Glenn Quagmire: Vegeta Briefs
Cleveland Brown: Yamcha
Joe Swanson: Krillin
Horace: Master Roshi
Now that I have told you the characters and who they will be portraying lets start the episode.
Chichi: It seems today, that all you see, is violence and movies and sex on tv.
Goku: But where are those good old fashoined values.
Gohan, Leika, Zaires, and Goten: On which we used to rely.
Everybody: Lucky there's a family guy, lucky there's a man who, positively can do all the things that make us,
Goten: laugh and cry.
Everybody: He's our fam-ly guy!
Quahog Swimming Pool
Goku: Hey Goten how about daddy teaches you how to swim?
Goten: Go, away, fatman.
Goten: AHH! What do you think you are doing?! No means no! No DAH!
Goku: Okay here goes.
Goten: AHHHHH!
Goku: Come on Goten in the pool!
Goten: No! I don't want to die! I want to live! LIVE!
Chichi: Goku stop it, he's never gonna learn like that. Maybe this summer he should take swim lessons, would you like that Goten?
Goten: Hmmmm? Well I guess It couldn't be worse than that summer I spent in India.
Cutaway Gag
Indiana Jones: Whatever you do short round don't touch anything.
Chinese Goten: Okay doctor Jones I no touch anything.
*leans back into brick*
Girl: IIINNNNDDDYYY!
Chinese Goten: Lady only here because she humping director.
Lackluster Video Store
Goku: Woah, look at this place what happened to Sal's Video.
Employee: We bought them out 2 weeks ago welcome to Lackluster Video, 50,000 stores nationwide
Goku: Yeah well uhh, I used to come in to Sal's once or twice a week to uhhh rent movies from his uhhh back room? You know what I mean? A room for uhh adults only? Catch my drift the uhh kind of movies where there are X rated porno's and fully nude people fornicate for the camera get my meaning?
Employee: Ohh I'm sorry but Lackluster Video takes a strong moral stance against pornography open mindedness and non Christians
Goku: Oh yeah well why the hell do you run Prince of Tides? Barbara Streisand is jewish.
Employee: We edited some of our movies.
Cutaway Gag
Man: I think I'm in love with you doctor.
Doctor: No Tom your wrong, you don't love me you love the idea of me.
Back to Lackluster
Piccolo: Hi I'm Piccolo, do me a favor and fill this bag with a sampling of motion pictures featuring women on women or anything with an amputee.
Goku: Save your money Piccolo this place doesn't have porn, they think its immoral, you know that really grinds my gears. (I'm not going to include Peter's bible speech so pretend it was here)
Piccolo: Hey that was quite a rant there, you know we are looking for an everyman to rant about pity non-sensical irritance to replace our spotlight on the middle east segment
Goku: Hey I'd be great at that! I've been dying to get back on television since I stopped hosting Family Feud.
Cutaway Gag
Goku: How are you Betsy welcome to the show you are a lovely young woman, just let me get my hand up there and feel that one, and that one, we are looking for something you shop for at the mall, 3 seconds
Quahog Swimming Pool
Chichi: Come on, Goten don't be afraid its just water its not gonna bite.
Goten Shut Up! I know it's not going to bite stupid, what a stupid thing to say, you drown in it moron it doesn't have to bite you.
Swimming Teacher: Hey little guy take a look at Trunks over there he's my star pupil, see how brave he is.
Goten: Puuuuu! He's not brave, I'll tell you who's brave, Ghandi.
Cutaway Gag
Ghandi: And the americans are always like "Hey Bitch!" And the Indian people we do not call our woman in such a way.
Audience Member: Boooo! You Suck!
Griffin household
Zaire: So is it just pool water that turns you into a sniveling girl or is it all water?
Goten: MOOOOOMMMM! Zaire is asking me if its just pool water that turns me into a sniveling girl or is it all water!
Gohan: I heard that olympic swimmers shave all the hair off their head and their private area's to make them move faster.
Goten: Look I don't need some stupid gimmick alright! As soon as I improve my technique I'll outswim Trunks as easily as I took care of that other boy.
Cutaway Gag
Goten: Casper! Go long!
Car Crash
Goten: Ohh sorry about that man. Are you dead?
Casper: Yyeaaahhhh whatever I was gonna off myself on Tuesday anyway
Griffin Household
Zaire: Hey Goku shouldn't you be getting ready for your first news segment?
Goku: Yeah. I'm a little nervous though I'm not sure what to talk about.
Leika: You could talk about me.
Goku: Oh okay honey I'll talk about you. Hey! I'm Leika! I go to school! I wear glasses!
Everyone laughs except Leika
Goten: Spot on, spot on.
Quahog News Station
Bulma: In other news after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty I finally had my period.
Piccolo: Well Buma I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated by the loss of the 2 headed offspring that might have been. We now go to Goku for You know what really grinds my gears?
Goku: Thanks Piccolo, you know what really grinds my gears? Nobody has come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like 30 years ya' know Okay uhhh a priest and a rabbi go into the supermarket and the priest wants to buy a ham and the rabbi says ahhh I can't eat it it's forbidden couldn't eat it not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No. But I don't see you coming up with anything, and that people is what grinds my gears, Piccolo?
Griffin Household
Zaire: Come on! You gonna be all day?
Goten: I'm brushing my teeth
Zaire: Sheesh you only have like 2 of them how long could it, ohhh gosh!
Goten: Ohh. Hey.
Zaire: Ohh wow uhhhh you doin' a little hair removal there?
Goten: Ohh uhhh yeah ummmm feel free to say no to this but, would you shave my coin purse?
Zaire: OHOHOHOHO! OHOHO! OHOHOHO NO! NO WAY! NO WAY MAN! OHO! HOLY FREAKIN' KAMI! OHO!
Goten: Huh, didn't have to be so uptight about it.
Quahog Swimming Pool
Swimming Teacher: Okay we're going to have our first fun little race. When I blow this whistle, I want all the parents to throw their children into the pool. If your child doesn't resurface right away, they're probably just trying to get attention. Ready!
Trunks: Good luck Goten.
Goten: Good luck Goten. That's you, thats what you sound like.
*whistle*
Goten: You're mine Trunks! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN! EWWWWW A BANDAID!
Chichi: I've got you sweety
Goten: pluhhh! pew! pew!
Lady 1: Good for you Trunks!
Lady 2: Ohh isn't he adorable!
Lady 3: He's much better than my kids.
Goten: So you think you can make me look like a fool do you you little bastard!? Well guess again. Ohh Trunks, there's a piece of marzipan over here for you.
*walks over to the life guard tower strapped with dynamite*
Goten: *pushes button* What the deuce? *pushes button rapidly* UGHH! *runs toward tower while pushing button rapidly*
BOOM!
*Tower begins to fall*
Goten: AHHHH!
*Tower falls on Goten*
Goten: Hell! Well that's a bit much don't you think? I mean sure, I've spent my entire life trying to kill my mother but who hasn't? But really for hell this isn't that bad.
Steve Allen: Hi there I'm Steve Allen.
Goten: Oh hello.
Steve Allen: Alright let's do this. *takes off his shirt*
Goten: AHHHHHHH!
Chichi: *Gasp* *Sigh of relief
Goten: I'm alive. I'm alive!
Chichi: Ohh Goten my baby I thought I lost you! Mwuah mwuah mwuah
Goten: I can't beleive it. All these years I thought I was living in hell but it gets so much worse! This is a sign. Well from this day forward Goten will be a good boy!
Steve Allen: I don't understand I was only gonna ask him to fix my collar. Oh well I wonder what they got on TV in hell. *tries to change channel but it won't change*
Griffin House
Goten: Morning Zaire, beautiful day isn't it. Kind of day that makes you glad to be alive. I made fudge.
Zaire: Uhhhhh. Okay? Uhhhh what uhhh what are you what are you doing.
Goten: Ohhh from the feeling of it working through quite a few years of stress. The thing is, when I died, I got a glimpse of where I was going and, I did not like it one bit
Zaire: Wow I am so uncomfortable right now.
Goten: So I've resolved to change my ways because I know now who I wan't to be.
Cutaway Gag
Goten: I have confidence in sunshine. I have confidence in rain. I have confidence that spring will come again. Besides which you see I have confidence in me.
Griffin House
Goten: There you are drink plenty of water. Hey Zaire?
Zaire: Yeah?
Goten: Thanks for listening.
Zaire: Boy this is more disturbing than that cartoon I saw the other day.
Cutaway Gag
Elmer Fudd: Shhhhhhh! Be very very quiet. I'm hunting wabbits.
Bugs Bunny: Errrr. What's up doc?
*Elmer shoots Bugs 4 times*
Bugs Bunny: AHH! AHH! AHHHHHH! OH GOSH! OH GOSH! AHHHHHH!
*Elmer snaps Bugs neck
Griffin House
Chichi: SHHHH! Quiet your father's on
Goku: You know what really grinds my gears? Is Lindsay Lohan. Ehhh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits jumping around there on stage half naked with your little outfits. You know? Your up there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer, so what am I suppose to do? What whattya whattya want Lindsay. You know are we gonna go out? What are you trying to do throwing those things all up in my face? Huh? Whattya want Lindsay, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! Well I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing! Nothing! You want Nothing! Alright, because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone. And and to tiddleate us with any thoughts otherwise is is, just bogus.
Chichi Uhh, he is so right on, women are such teasers. That's why I went back to men.
Leika: Okay, mom thanks for that ummm... See ya later.
Gohan: Go on.
Goku: Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.
Cutaway Gag
Clone Trooper: Yeah I know what gives with that?
Channel 5 News Station
Goku: And that is what really grinds my gears.
Person: Clear!
Piccolo: Remove my microphone
*Everybody compliments Goku*
Goku: Oh boy this gig is even better than that job I had providing night time heat for Lara Flynn Boyle
Cutaway Gag (I'm going to do this part in the actual family guy scene)
Lara: Thanks so much Peter I was getting a little chilly.
Peter: No sweat Lara, hey you have yourself a fine sleep. Hey Lara?
Lara: Yeah?
Peter: Is Dillon McDermott nice in person?
Lara: Yeah.
Peter: Good
Spooner Street
Back to the crossover
Zaire: I feel ridiculous.
Goten: Well I can't very well up here can I?
Zaire: Where are we going?
Goten: Well there is the most absolutely perfect spider web in the bushes by Yamcha's house. You have just got to see it.
Zaire: Oh for goodness sake.
Goten: Hey Zaire.
Zaire: What.
Goten: Knock-Knock
Zaire: Oh come on.
Goten: Knock-Knock.
Zaire: *Sigh* Who's there?
Goten: Your friend Goten and he's always gonna be there for you
Resturaunt
Goku: Table for two?
Gay Waiter: Oh I'm sorry we have a 45 minute wait.
Chichi: Ohh isn't that to bad? Because I know waiting in line at a resturaunt really "grinds your gears."
Gay Waiter: Oh my gosh it's you! Oh I loved your rant about how bread is square and baloney is round. Oh a table just opened up.
Person in line: Hey! We've been waiting!
Person in line 2: Shhhh! That's Michael Moore.
Gay Waiter: Mr. Piccolo we need this table.
Piccolo: But I've already ordered.
Gay Waiter: Oh we have a private booth setup for you, this way.
Piccolo: Goku.
Goku: Bulma.
Chichi: I can't beleive we got a table at the hottest resturaunt in town without a reservation! We really are moving up in the world.
Goku: Yeah but I'd like to see what those private booth's are like.
Piccolo: This is totally unexceptable. How long are you going to be? I am very hungry.
Griffin Household
Goten: Hey Z Ruppert and I were just about to... (I know that it is really spelled rupert but in family guy its pronounced roopert but in this version it iis ruppert)
Zaire: Excuse me did you just call me Z?
Goten: Yes Z Ruppert and I were just about to dine on this mixture of playdough and rug hair care to join.
Zaire: No thanks I just thought you might be interested in seeing this. This is the most absolutely perfectly destroyed spider web.
Goten: Where's the spider?
Zaire: Knock-Knock.
Goten: Who's there?
Zaire: I ATE HIM!
Goten: YOU BASTARD WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?
*Goten hits Zaire with a newspaper*
Zaire: Aha! I knew it. I knew you hadn't really changed.
Goten: Okay so I was faking being nice. It's not the worst thing I've ever done.
Cutaway Gag
Goten: Ohh! Steve! Its coming right at us! Grab it!
Steve: I don't want to get in the way.
Goten: Its a foul ball what harm can it do.
*Steve catches the ball while a baseball player tried to catch it and fell*
Griffin House
Goten: Look I really don't want to go to hell but I can't fight my nature I'm just a hateful person.
Zaire: Your not hateful you just need to control your anger like I do.
Goten: Huh! You mean by being sauced all day. Wait a minute. Of course that's it. If I'm drunk I'll be calm and if I'm calm I'll be nice, if I be nice I won't go to hell. Fix me a high ball I'm going to get good and tight.
Zaire: Look you can't drink your a little boy alright besides there are better ways to solve your problems.
Goten: Oh I suppose your right. Thanks Zaire I was weak.
Zaire: No problem.
*Zaire walks out of the room and Goten mixes a drink and drinks it*
Goten: Oh my gosh! Do you know what its time for? A sexy party!
*Goten and a bunch of hot girls party*
Breakfast
*Goten takes a drink of beer*
Goten: So Zaire, I no what?
Zaire: I didn't say anything.
Goten: Ohhh I thought, Oh I thought you interrupted me, don't, don't interrupt me.
Zaire: Are you okay?
Goten: I'm as okay as your face! *Goten laughs like a drunk man and yes I know he is drunk.* I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry, sorry.
Chichi: So honey what are you gonna rant about today? Could we get a little preview?
Goku: Oh I got a good one Chichi, parents who let their kids do anything they want. I hate that, you know? Like when I'm when I'm in a resturaunt right, trying to enjoy my dinner and little baby junior son of a bitch over there is screaming his head off. Parents need to control their kids!
Goten: Hey! Everybody! I'm gonna do I'm gonna do something that's gonna freak you out. I'm gonna jump from this shelf to my chair. I'm gonna jump. You are you watching are you are you?
Goku: Goten don't interrupt it grinds my gears when you do that.
Chichi: AHHHHH! HE SAID IT! AHOHOHO!
Goten: Uhhh you gonna you gonna you gonna miss it. You gonna miss it. *Goten jumps and his chair falls on him* AHH! AHOHOHO! OWW! GOSH OH DUDE! Did you see that!? Did you guys ohh look at that look at this, look at this gash right up the side of my leg AHO! Ohh I cut myself deep! Ohhh it doesn't hurt though.
Zaire: Uhh alright, time for your nap, don't worry Chichi I'll take him lets go.
Goten: Gah why do you what the what the hell why are we in here its rude to the other people.
Zaire: You're drunk.
Goten: You're sexy.
Zaire: Listen you have to stop this alright no more drinking I'm sorry I even put it in your head.
Goten: I don't I don't even know what your problem is I've never felt better. *Goten vomits on Zaire* Okay now I've never felt better.
Channel 5 News Station
Piccolo: You know Goku there's going to be a lot of people watching tonight. Better keep your balls on the prize. Eyeballs, eyes on the ball. Take two. You know Goku there's gonna be alot of people watching tonight, better not screw up. Use take two
Goku: Oh don't worry about me Piccolo I'll be fine.
Person: We're on in 3...2
Bulma: And now it's time for You know what really grinds my gears with Goku.
Goku: Thanks Bulma, You know what really grinds my gears?
Piccolo: Hey! Hey!
Goku: Those X-ray specs you used to buy out of the comics.
Piccolo: Hey! Screwup!
Goku: I save up forever to but those things and when I finally get them yesterday I couldn't see the inside of my sons belly.
Piccolo: Pluh! Pluh! Pluh! Plubububub! (Peter/Goku puches Tom/Piccolo out of his face)
Goku: See, I wanted to see if he had eaten the last vanilla wafer because I told him I wanted it. Boy let me tell you that really grinds my gears.
Piccolo: Pay attention to me I'm trying to ruin you!
*security takes Piccolo away*
Piccolo: You wanted to see me sir.
Station Manager: You're fired Piccolo. Turn in your press pass and any other studio property.
The Drunken Clam
Goten: What are we doing here?
Zaire: So you like being drunk? Fine. I'm gonna get you so drunk you'll never want to drink again come on.
Piccolo: Cold. Its so cold.
Zaire: Thanks Roshi.
Master Roshi: Hey is he 18?
Zaire: Master Roshi the drinking age is 21
Master Roshi: Oh.
Goten: Okay ummm. To the black man. Thanks for taking it all in stride. Cause suicide is painless. It brings out many changes. And I can't take on living if I lived. ( I didn't know the lyrics Stewie was singing) Was that, was that good?
Zaire: Oh thank you man.
Goten: I can't beleive you saved all those.
Zaire: You think Chichi will like these?
Goten: You love Chichi!
Zaire: Shut Up!
Goten: You know, you know what give me your keys.
Zaire: Oh no I'm fine.
Goten: No no give me your keys.
Zaire: I'm driving.
Goten: No give me your keys your to drunk.
Zaire: Okay.
Goten: Leika, Zaire you're to Zaire you're drunk to drive
Zaire: Uh uh, okay fine here, here you go.
*Goten starts the car and drive's Zaire's car through the Drunken Clam's wall*
Goten: Shhhhhhhhhhh!
Channel 5 News Station
Bulma: And that's it for sports. Now let's go to Dende with the adopted pet of the week.
Dende: Who wants this dog!?
Bulma: Thanks Dende, and now let's go to Goku with you know what really grinds my... Piccolo what are you doing, you don't work here anymore.
Piccolo: Well Bulma I have an exclusive story, and I can't figure out how to check my email at home.
Dende: Did you check your TCPIP sentence?!
Piccolo: Yes I did Dende.
Dende: You enabled cookies?!
Piccolo: Yes Dende.
Dende: You want this dog!?
Piccolo: No thank you Dende. Roll tape. This was the scene at the Drunken Clam last night where a car driven by an intoxicated boy cost thousands of dollars worth of damage.
Zaire: Put this, put this on my tab.
Goten: It was, it was like all slow down you know and I was like woah! But I couldn't stop it.
Piccolo: And who is the father of the child in that car?
Goku: Ohh Piccolo! Piccolo I know this I know this Piccolo! Over here! Piccolo! Ohh Ohh!
Piccolo: The man you all respect so much. Your beloved Goku.
Goku: Good thing he didn't call on me I was gonna say Grant Goodeve.
Bulma: Thank you Piccolo. And now neglectful father and Quahog's newest social pariah. Goku with another segment of grind my gears.
Goku: Thank you Bulma. You know what relly grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the frekin' program. It's called an automobile folks! It's much faster than a horse.
*security guard hands Goku a note*
Goku: Oh well it appears I've been fired. Well as long as I'm no longer working here let me tell you something. You know what really grinds my gears? You America! Fuck you! (I am not racist against americans it is just what peter says in the episode)
Station Manager: Hey Piccolo. Catch!
(This scene will be done in family guy because I can't picture Piccolo wearing a moustache)
Tom: Did you miss daddy? Did you miss daddy? Oh no its alright oh your shaking.
(Back to the crossover)
Griffin House
Goten: Go away.
Zaire: Heh. Little hungover?
Goten: I am never going to drink again ever.
Zaire: Well I hope you learned something from this.
Goten: I most certainly did Zaire. It seems I'm still finding myself, but for the momment I've just got to accept the fact I'm an angry boy who occasionally try to burn down a house or toss a poison dart at his mother. After all I can't let one near death experience change my whole life can I?
Zaire: I'm glad you finally figured that out. You gonna be okay.
Goten: Yes, yes I'll be fine. I just wish I could remember where I was last night, and who the hell R.M. is.
Cutaway Gag.
Roger Moore: Ughh got to play this one right Roger, can't seem desperate, wait 3 days that's the rule. Ohh damn I want to talk to him now! *Roger dials Goten's number then hangs up* Damn!
The End
That took forever to write so pretty please read and review and in case any of you were wondering the family guy episode is called Stewie B. Goode.