Summary: After Orochimaru almost succeds in winning the villian of the year awards. The arthur of the fic decides to take over the hiddden villages with an unstoppable army of mongooses.
Notes: I'm not good with summeries, so your just gonna have to read to find out how funny this story actually may be. And also, this is my first Naruto story, so flame the shit out of me if you want, I want everyone who reviews to be completely honest...and flame me to high heaven if you think it's necessary! Not that I want to be flammed, I just want you all to tell me what you really think of it.
This story is a complete crack fic! So everyone, just make sure to have a good time, and laugh when you need to. That and I apoligize for offending anybody of Mongolian religon, who look like Michal Jackson, and everyone who likes snakes. And another thing, this is one extremely fucked up fic, be prepaired for the worst.
WARNING!!! This story contains flying bags of cow shit, people hitting each other over the heads with coffee tables, characters dieing or getting their arms and legs blown off, some sexual content, extreme cursing, possible humor torture, and people being used as pinyata's.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, just the fictional characters I make up.
So without further addew, let the story begin!!!
Chapter One: The Fluffy Army of Doom Invades the Sound Village
Orochimaru was seen walking around his base with a creepy smile on his face and an odd look in his snake eyes. Now your probably wondering what he's thinking to make him do that. Well let's take a look. Now we suddenly appear inside Orochimaru's mind. And strangely, we find a chibi version of Orochimaru in a fold-up chair at a desk with a scedule on it. Chibi-Orochimaru was marking off each day with X's on the calender-like scedule. The scedule went something like this...
Sunday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Monday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Tuesday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Wednesday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Thursday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Friday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Saturday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
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Sunday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Monday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Tuesday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Wednesday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Thursday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Friday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Saturday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
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Sunday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Monday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Tuesday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Wednesday: Attempt to molest Sasuke-Chan. X
Thursday: Have Kabuto attempt to fix arms. X
Friday: Use Kabuto as a bunching bag to test fixed arms. X
Saturday: Rape Sasuke-Chan with the help of fixed arms. O
WHOLLY FUCK!!! HE'S GONNA RAPE SASUKE-TEME!!! Well, we can't allow that, now can we.
At Some Random Location
Inside a random room at this random location, we see me, the author of this fic, sitting in one of those big wheel computer chairs at his desk, typing quickly on his labtops keybord. I was wearing a black long sleeved shirt, black pants, black gloves, black boots, and a black cloth that covered my entire head. The cloth that covered my head was made of a very thin type of fabric, so that I could see through it while hiding my real world identity. After a moment, a 3ft., 5in. tall, demonic looking, chibi mongoose, wearing black armor with purple trimmings and a purple cape, entered through the door on the other side of the room. I turned around at looked at him, and he looked at me.
?: "You wanted to see me, sir?"
Sniper: "Yes Alex, I did, I need you to assemble the Fluffy Army of Doom and get them ready for combat."
Alex: "Sir, if I may ask, why?
Sniper: "Orochimaru is planning to rape Sasuke-teme, that's what."
Alex: "THAT BASTURD!" "If he rapes Sasuke, that'll change the entire story plotline, and he'll also become the next person to win the villian of the year awards!"
Sniper: "Which is why we must stop him!" "After all, I can't let someone else other then myself win the award, now can I!"
Alex: "So what are we going to do, sir!"
Sniper: "We must assemble the entire 100,000,000 mongoose army and attack Orochimaru-teme's base in a full frontall assualt!"
Alex: "I shall prepare the soldiers immediatly." "So commander, when do we attack?"
Sniper: "At dawn, when everyone is asleep."
Alex quickly ran out the door and back down the hall to prepare the troops. Only one thing was certain, there would be hell at the Hidden Sound Village tomorrow.
Location: Just Outside the Sound Village
Time: 6:50 A.M.
We come to the sight of seeing millions of mongooses heading straight toward the Sound Village. The massive army stopped just a little ways away and started setting up catapults.
Alex: "So sir, what shall we fire upon the enemy?" "Large and heavy bolders?" "Kunai and shiruken?" "Huge piles of flamming cow shit?"
Sniper: "The third one you baka."
Alex: "I'll get them loaded up at once sir!"
While the mongoose army was getting ready, two sound ninja's were talking about proper business decisions.
Ninja 1#: "Ya man, well get some bitches and some pot man and make some big money off this shit!"
Ninja 2#: "Ya, well sell it to all the crackpots in the city and bandit camps and hospitles!"
Ninja 1#: "A hospital man, now that's messed up!"
Ninja 2#: "No man, it isn't, it's a perfect place to sell weed to all the people with medical problems!"
Ninja 1#: "Your right man, that is so-what's that!"
Of course, what ninja 1# was reffering to, was the huge flamming berlaff sacks, that smelled like cow farts, heading straight toward the sound villages walls.
Ninja 2#: "Wow man, it looks so beautiful."
Ninja 1#: "Ya, I know what you me-(sniff sniff)." "Awww, man, did you ju-!"
BOOOOOOM! Was the sound that was heard as over 1,400 piles of flamming cow shit collided with the villages walls. Setting the walls on fire, and killing the retarted sound ninja's that were stationed there in the process.
Kabuto: "Damnit, the Mongolians have returned to knock down are shitty walls again!" "I must warn Lord Orochimaru-Sama!"
Was the resounding exclamation heard from Orochimaru-teme's favorite bi-I mean who-I mean sla-I mean medical ninja! That's what I meant, favorite medical ninja!
Sniper: "Guess again, bitch-teme!"
I screamed as me, Alex, and several other mongooses thundered over the now destroyed walls on the backs of large, black stallions. Each of us carrying shields made of wicker and 8ft. long spears, with kunai shaped blades and bronze counter-weights on the other side.
Kabuto: 'Oh shit, not the F.A.D., anything but them!'
Of course, natraully, the medic bitch-I mean ninja! Attempted to warn the creepy, child molesting, Michel Jackson look-a-like.
Sniper: "Jeffry, stop him!"
Jeffry: "I'm on it, sir!"
A 3ft., 5in. tall mongoose, wearing a blood-red cloak that was riding what appeared to be a giant, blue falcon, made out of gum, suddenly flew over me, Alex, and the other mongooses at over 50 mph. Jeffry reached into his cloak and pulled out a small sack filled with who knows what. He untied the ribbon holding it shut, and took out what appeared to be a... ... ...blue colored gum ball. Jeffry popped the gum ball into his mouth, and began chewing the hard substence. When it got soft, he spit the gum onto his hand, and began molding it into what appeared to be a small, blue humming-bird. He sent a large amount of chakra into the gum bird.
Jeffry: "Now, fly towards Kabuto-teme my pretty, FLY, FLY!"
The bird flew towards Kabuto-teme and latched itself onto his left arm.
Kabuto: "Oh sh-!"
Jeffry: "RELEASE!"
Jeffry screamed while making a dragon hand sign. The made of gum humming-bird suddenly let off a bright, white flash, before exploding and incinerating Kabuto-teme's left arm.
Kabuto: "Oh my fucking god!" "You blew off my fucking arm you freaking fucktard!"
Jeffry: "Then I bet you weren't expecting this."
Jeffry suddenly spat out another piece of gum he'd been chewing on, and began molding the blue gum into another shape. Except this one, was made into the shape of a monarch butterfly. He filled the butterfly with chakra, and it flew towards Kabuto-teme and latched itself onto his right leg.
Kabuto: "Oh fuck, not ag-!"
Jeffry: "RELEASE!"
The made of gum, monarch butterfly, also exploded in a flash of white light. Incinerating Kabuto-teme's right leg in the process.
Kabuto: "Shit!" "Fuck!" "You already blew off one of my fucking arms, did you really need to blow off one of my fucking legs too!"
Jeffry: "No, but we all thought it was funny as hell." "Right guys?"
Alex: "I agree." "Sniper?"
Sniper: "Yep, funny as hell."
Kabuto: "NO IT ISN'T!"
Smack! Was sound heard as I hit Kabuto-teme over the head with my spears, bronze counter-weight. Offically knocking him out cold in the process.
Sniper: "Now men, to Orochimaru-teme's castle!"
Army: "Haroo, haroo, haroo!"
The army screamed their battle cry as we charged straight toward Orochimaru-teme's castle.
At Orochimaru-teme's Castle
Sasuke: "No, get away from me you child molesting basturd!"
Orochimaru: "Now Sasuke-chan, don't be like that."
Orochimaru-teme narrowly managed to avoid the coffee table that Sasuke threw at him.
Sasuke: "No, I won't let you take my virginity and first kiss, I'm saving it for Sakura and Ino!"
Orochimaru: "What?!" "You mean those two whores?!"
Orochimaru-teme momenteraly stopped his rant too duck under the large sofa Sasuke threw at him. Strangely enough, while there didn't appear to be any small objects in the room, there was, surprizingly a large number of bigger items. Including huge piles of coffee tables and large sofa's at the back of the room.
Sasuke: "Don't you dare call them whores!" "Especially when you molest children, and Kabuto does sick medical experiments on even babies!"
Orochimaru: "So what if I do molest children and Kabuto-kun is a sick medical shinobi, I'm still going to rape you!"
Orochimaru-teme slowly advanced on Sasuke. He somehow managed to dodge all the coffee tables and big sofa's that the chicken-butt haired Uchiha threw at him. Orochimaru-teme was now close enough to do his evil deeds, when all of a sudden. BANG! The door slammed open and a random sound ninja ran into the room.
Ninja 3#: "Orochimaru-sama, the Mongolians are back again!" "And they managed to blow one of Kabuto's arms and legs off, and he was also knocked out, then captured!"
Orochimaru: "Damnit, last time they were here, they raped Kimimaro-chan and infected him with aids!" "THAT'S IT, I'M GOING TO KILL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERING MONGOLIANS THIS TIME!"
Orochimaru-teme exclaimed as he regurgetated out his special sword. Smack! Was the sound heard as me and the others ran through the door on top of our large, black stalions, while whacking Ninja 3# in the back of his head. Offically knocking him out cold.
Orochimaru: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" "MONGOLIAN MONGOOSES, THAT'S EVEN WORSE!!!!!!!"
Was what Orochimaru-teme screamed, in a high-pitched girly voice might I add too. Of course, the reason this was funny, is because, 1, Orochimaru-teme is a 50 year old man, and 2, we dressed up as Mongolians just to mess with him and the others.
Sniper: "Relax Orochimaru-teme, it's me, Sniper, and his Fluffy Army of Doom!" "Bwahahahahahaha!"
Orochimaru: "Why you basturd, I'll kill you!"
The pedophile brought up his sword, and was about to cut me in half, unfortunately. Chrash! Orochimaru-teme fell to the ground, with a huge anime bump on his head. While Sasuke was standing over the child molester, with a split in half coffee table being held in his hands.
Sasuke: "Take that you creepy Michal Jackson look-a-like!" "And while I'm at it, who the hell is the guy with the Mongolian mongooses."
Sniper: "Ok, first of all, we just dressed up like Mongolians just to scare Orochimaru-teme, Bitch-teme, (A/N: F.Y.I. Kabuto) and the other random sound ninja's shitless." "And second, I am Sniper-experiment-5-1-0-Alpha, the author of this fucked up fic."
Sasuke: "Okaaaaaay, so what's with the mongooses then?"
Sniper: "Well Sasuke, this is the Fluffy Army of Doom, my elite army of Super genetically altered, Demonic, Chibi Mongooses." "And I'm going to use them to become the evil tyrant of this fic."
Sasuke: "Okaaaaaaay, so what does that have to do with you rescuing me from this snake basturd."
He was reffering to Orochimaru-teme, who is STILL knocked out cold.
Sniper: "Well Sasuke, I've been winning the villian of the year award for six years running, and I'm not about to let Orochimaru-teme win it just by rapping you!" "That and I want you, to become one of my henchmen." "If you agree, I'll let you kill Itachi when we find him and his idiot shark sidekick."
Sasuke: "DEAL!!!"
Sniper: "Alright, now that that's taken care of." "Jeffry, grab Orochimaru-teme, so that we can torture, then kill the basturd." "Sasuke, do to the mongooses using all avalable horses, your gonna have to share one with Alex."
Jeffry put the still knocked out cold pedophile on his gum falcon, and Sasuke jumped onto the large, black stallions saddle behind Alex.
Sniper: "Alright boys, let's ride!"
Army: "Haroo, haroo, haroo!"
The mongooses shouted in response as me, Alex, Jeffry, Sasuke, and the army rode, in Jeffry's case, flew, off into the sunset-I mean sunrise!
Location: Snake Torture Camp
Time: 8:00 P.M.
Orochimaru-teme slowly opened his eyes, and to his horror, he saw the most horrible, dispicable, and fucked up sight, in all the history of both snake and man-kind. He saw snakes being forced to watch Barny the Dinosaur, Dora the Explor, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Bear in the Big Blue House, Blue's Clues, and Mongolian mongooses knocking down the Sound and Snake Villages shitty walls, over and over. Again and again, they were forced to watch these horrific acts, while being helpless to do anything about it.
He felt sad that he and his snake friends were being tortured, he felt angry that he and the snakes were not able to do anything about it, and he felt happy that his female pet animal, a black momba snake by the name of Viper, had bitten one of the drunk male mongooses by the name of Frank, in the balls. He had been stupid enough to insult her when she wasn't restrained, that and he also tried to make her give him a blowjob.
?: "What the fucking hell is going on over here!?" "Frank!" "What the fucking hell did you do this time, you idiotic moron!?"
Screamed what appeared to be an extremely hot and sexy, 4ft. tall, female mongoose, wearing a dark-purple toga. Except the toga's skirt was so short, that you could see her white panties underneith it, and the top part of it hung around the sides instead of the shoulders. The top part of it was so tight, that her triple c, that's right, triple c, breasts looked like they about to tear it open at any moment, and her nipples were also straining against the really tight material.
The mongooses looked stunned for a few moments. But only a few moments before schooling themselves into their proffessional faces. And Frank, a mongoose that was about 3ft., 7in. tall, wearing a simple loin-cloth, stood up with a proffesional, yet slightly red face. All the while not noticing that his 6in., that's right, 6in., long dick, was still hanging out from his loin-cloth, unknowingly flashing his commanding officer.
Frank: "Hey, sir Mickey, how's it going?"
Slap!
Micky: "That's MISS, Mickey to you, ya drunk basturd Frank!" "And second of all, what the hell were you doing?!"
A still red-faced Frank just grinned sheepishly, despite the searing pain still in his cheek from the slap he'd received.
Frank: "Well, I was going to have that black momba snake by the name of Viper over there, give me a blowjob, but she bit in the balls instead."
Mickey: "No duh Sherlock, she's a prisoner." "And pull up that loin-cloth soldier!"
Frank: "Yes, Mam!"
Frank shouted as he quickley pulled up his loin-cloth into the right position.
Sniper: "What's going on over here!"
I shouted as me, Alex, Jeffry, and Sasuke came on to the scene of which we don't know yet, because it has not yet been written.
Mickey: "Frank was attempting to get Viper to suck on his cock, but she bit him in the balls." "Which reminds me, isn't this supposed to be a humorous torture camp only?"
Jeffry: "You know, sir, Mickey does bring up a good point."
Alex: "Normally Jeffry, that would be true." "But seeing as how me, you, Sniper, Sasuke, Mickey, and Frank are all main characters, the normal rules don't apply to us."
Sniper: "Alex also brings up a good point Jeffry." "Mickey, I don't want Frank to get bitten in the balls again, so your going to give him a blowjob."
Mickey: "But, si-!"
Sniper: "No buts Mickey!" "Unless you want to be locked in the same room as the American Naruto Puppet from Naruto Abridged for the rest of the chapter.
Mickey: "No, sir!"
Sniper: "Good, now get down on your knees and start sucking on his Frank Jr. women!"
Mickey: "Yes, sir."
Mickey said with much distain in her voice. Though she sat down on her knees, pulled Frank's loin-cloth down, and started sucking on his dick with the force of a vaccum cleaner.
Sniper: "Okay, now that we have taken care of this little problem." "Orochimaru-teme, your dead!"
I screamed as I turned toword Orochimaru-teme, with a long wooden pole in my hand.
Orochimaru: "What are you going to do with me?"
Sniper: "Well, I was going to beat you with this long wooden pole, but that's to boring." "We need to do something much more creative then that."
Alex: "I have an idea, sir."
Sniper: "Well, lay it on me Alex"
Alex: "Will, sir, as you know, today is Jeffry's aniversery of the day he joined the Fluffy Army of Doom, right?" "So I was thinking..."
Nine minutes Later...
We see Orochimaru-teme tied up, while Jeffry was wearing a blindfold, and trying to hit him with the wooden pole. Meanwhile, Alex would pull on the rope and bring Orochimaru-teme just barely out of range of the wooden pole, for the most part anyway. Basically determining the current situation, Orochimaru-teme, had been turned into a human pinyata
Orochimaru: "No, please, st-"(WHACK)"-owe, have mercy on this po-"(WHACK)"-ouch, please stop hurting an innoce-"(WHACK)"-AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"
Alex: "Oooooooo, that one had to hurt!" "But did you have to hit him in the balls so hard?"
Sniper: "Come on Alex, Jeffry, don't feel bad, he's a pedophile, no one's gonna miss him." "Except the snakes and Bitch-teme over here.
Kabuto: "Well, I think I'm beggining to get use to the idea of being able to make my own choices once more."
Sasuke: "Don't worry Kabuto, as soon as Sniper knows he can trust you, and find a use for you, he says he'll let you go."
Sasuke says, shortly after taking a sip from his cup of sake. While the other 2,500 mongooses watching Orochimaru-teme get the tar beat out of him were placing bets on how long they'd last before everyone got bored and just agreed to kill the basturd.
Fifty Minutes Later...
Sniper: "Alright, I'm bored, so does everyone just want to kill the basturd already.
A chorus of, "JUST KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY!!!", was heard all around the torture camp.
Sniper: "Alright everyone, seeing as how it's Jeffry's special day, he get's to kill Orochimaru-teme." "But, he get's to do it with this new, double-bladed axe, that I had the mongooses down at the armory whip up, special, just for you."
Jeffry: "Aaaawww, thanks you guys, without you, this would not be possible, and I wouldn't be able to kill Orochimaru-teme without it." "So today, I kill this creepy Michal Jackson look-a-like, in the name, OF THE FLUFFY ARMY OF DOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!"
Jeffry took the axe and swung it at the Snake-teme's head, cutting it off when the blade collided with neck.
Frank: "And now that the child molester is dead, let's party everyone!"
A bunch of music starts playing as we all start partying.
Arthur: "Well, that's it for this chapter folks, tune in next chapter for, the The Fluffy Army of Doom Attacks the Lightening country."