Kid Icarus: Modern Uprising
Episode 016: Fitness Oversized
It is a fine day in Palutena's sanctuary within Skyworld. Today's tale opens up within the confides of the goddess of light's temple, to see young Pit taking a nap in the den overlooking the cloudy skies. As he laid all curled up and comfy on the couch, his wings were sticking out wide. And as he was lightly snoring, we notice he is being observed by Palutena and Viridi nearby. The green goddess looked on with a disgusted groan.
"Really Palutena, how is it that all this peace has made Pit more...LAZY?" Viridi asked. Palutena lightly chuckled.
"Well, Viridi, don't forget that Hades hasn't been up to anything in a long time. And when it comes to someone like my little Pitty, not enough exercise of fighting Underworld forces sometimes causes him to behave as such." Palutena explained. Viridi sighed.
"Sometimes, I fear you're babying him Palutena. I really do." she groaned. Palutena glanced to her, asking what was wrong with treating Pit like her own son. The goddess sighed and looked away.
"Maybe THAT'S the problem. You let him lie out and be a couch potato when there's nothing to do. Don't you know? If you don't take care of your "angel" with daily exercise, then what is he? A piggy with wings?" Viridi asked. Palutena sighed.
"Come now Viridi. Just because I'm not a "drill sergeant" like you are with Pittoo doesn't mean I don't give Pit enough to do. Besides, he's fine the way he is." Palutena said. Viridi huffed, saying there was only "one thing" to do then. Palutena watched as Viridi leaned in close enough to Pit's ear with a devious grin.
"UP ON YOUR FEET SOLDIER!" Viridi bellowed, rattling Pit's ear until he leaped high into the air from shock. He came crash landing on the floor. The angel groaned as he glared up at Viridi.
"H-Hey! Viridi? Man! What's the deal?" Pit asked. Viridi huffed and crossed her arms. She suddenly grabbed hold of Pit's tunic and yanked him up onto his feet.
"I've been seeing how you've been having your little "vacation" ever since you defeated Hades. But I won't TOLERATE it anymore! You're an angel warrior! Not a couch potato! Therefore, I am hereby ORDERING you to report to Skyworld's gymnasium in t-minus FIVE minutes!" Viridi shouted. Pit lightly stuttered, asking what gave her the right to boss him around. To that, Viridi gave a cocky smirk.
"Why? Oh...maybe because I'M a goddess too?" Viridi said "Like I said, report to the gym in five! Got it?" She then walked off with a confident grin on her face as Pit and Palutena glanced at each other and shrugged.
~ KID ICARUS ~
A while later, Pit decided to see what Viridi's "malfunction" was this time and found his way over to Palutena's recently built gymnasium, meant to be for the centurions. But to his surprise, when he arrived, he found not only Viridi, but Phosphora, Dark Pit and several other centurions in the room. Everyone was dressed in loose fitting clothes, almost as if they were here to play sports.
"Huh? Pitto? Phosphora? Wh-When did you get here?" Pit asked. Dark Pit groaned.
"Its Viridi. Suddenly, she called us over here saying we were in need of some serious "training". Man. What's her deal this time?" Dark Pit asked. Phosphora shrugged. Just as Pit noticed Palutena walking inside, they all hear a loud whistle coming from Viridi's direction. Pit turns to see Viridi dressed in a sleeveless red top and black shorts, carrying the whistle around her neck and wearing a sweat band around her forehead and wrists.
"ALL RIGHT MAGGOTS! FALL IN!" Viridi exclaimed. Suddenly, everyone lined up side by side as Viridi crossed her arms and walked towards them.
"Its come to my attention that, while it is nice to have peace after the whole "Hades" ordeal on the surface, the rest of you have gotten very FLABBY. That's why I called you all here, to join me in the most vigorous exercise of your eternal lives!" Viridi announced. Dark Pit gasped, as did Phosphora and Pit.
"Hold up! You're calling US flabby?! What gives you the right you little thorn?!" Dark Pit shouted. Viridi suddenly blew her whistle again, rattling Dark Pit to the point his brain almost popped out.
"Because! I DO NOT WANT FLABBY SOLDIERS IN MY ARMY!" Viridi exclaimed. Pit gulped, fearing what she would have them do exactly with an attitude like that.
"Well, it sounds like Viridi wants everyone to spend the day together and get back in shape with a little old fashion hard work and sweat." Palutena said. Viridi approached the two with a firm nod.
"That's right Palutena. You're on the ball. Oh. And by the way, when I was calling everyone "flabby"...I was also counting YOU." Viridi said, pointing at her. Pit gasped and nervously looked on as Palutena's eye twitched.
"Excuse me? Are you calling me, the goddess of light, FAT?" Palutena asked. Viridi huffed.
"What if I am? You wanna do something about that? All you ever seem to do is direct Pit around in the sky like he's a toy airplane. When's the last time you ever got some exercise yourself?" Viridi asked. Palutena scoffed.
"Ooh! I'll show you who's flabby! I'll join in your little "training" too!" Palutena called. Pit and the others gasped as Viridi smirked.
"All righty then everyone! Get ready! We're about to start in one minute. So those of you who just arrived, take the time to change. Oh. And just for the two "angelic dork" twins..." Viridi said, glancing back to see the doors of the gym suddenly slammed shut by two of Viridi's forces.
"NO ONE is going anywhere until I say so." Viridi teased. Pit and Dark Pit scoffed.
"Why that no good, little...!" they both muttered, stopped by Viridi blowing her whistle again.
~ KID ICARUS ~
Soon after, Pit and Palutena slipped into their exercise garments themselves, standing alongside Phosphora, Dark Pit and several other centurions.
"Okay. First off, I'd like to thank everyone for "graciously" coming to participate. And second, I hope you're ready to sweat!" Viridi cheered. But Pit lightly scoffed.
"Yeah right. We didn't "graciously" come here, you conned us here." Pit muttered. With a snap of her fingers, Viridi created a working boombox out of vines and leaves. As soon as it began playing, Viridi led everyone in doing simple waist twists.
"All righty. So for starters, let's get a few twists in at the beginning to get us limber." she said. Everyone else copied her as they lightly groaned with each twist.
"Huh. This isn't as bad as I thought." Pit said. Palutena glanced to Pit, reminding him that they've only just started. Soon after, Viridi had them doing arm stretches into the air and down to their toes, followed by crouches and leg stretches.
"Okey dokey. Now for a couple back stretches. Come on everyone." Viridi said, leaning back as far as she could. Everyone else was following along, but the sounds of someone's back cracking froze them. They all looked to Palutena.
"Ooh! Sorry guys. I...I haven't been doing stuff like this in a while." Palutena said. But then, she looked over and saw Viridi with a confident sneer on her face, blushing slightly after. They soon stood back up straight, only for Viridi to suddenly conjure up weights in the form of two giant acorns on a stick above them.
"Next up...some weight lifting." Viridi said. Pit looked at the weights and laughed.
"Acorns? Please Viridi? Wouldn't a rock be heavier?" Pit asked. But hearing those words brought a smirk to Viridi.
"Good point Pit." she said, snapping her fingers to change the acorns to rock fragments. Pit watched as his weight set came crashing down, crushing his foot. The heavy impact turned Pit's toes red, causing him to yell and jump around.
"The weights you'll be using come to us as a "gracious donation" from good ol' Cragalanche. Now let's get to it everyone!" Viridi clapped. Phosphora gasped.
"Wh-WHAT? These rocks are from Cragalanche?! That dude weighs a TON! You expect us to lift these?!" Phosphora shouted. But suddenly, her weight came falling down into her hands. Though she caught them, the sheer weight caused Phosphora to drop face first to the floor.
"Less talky, more lifting!" Viridi called. As everyone was given their weights, they all took grip and did their best to lift them. But just like Phosphora, they could barely get it off the ground before slowly forcing it above their heads.
"D-D-D-D-DAGH! These things are ridiculous! How can that oversized boulder MOVE with this weight?!" Dark Pit groaned. Suddenly, they heard what sounded like someone's pants ripping. This time, their eyes glanced to Phosphora. She gasped and covered her backside.
"N-Nobody look!" she cried, accidentally dropping her weights on her feet. She yowled and hopped around the floor with her foot clutched. Pit watched, fearing for his safety, as he struggled against the weights. But to his surprise, he was able to lift them high over his head.
"H-Huh?! Ha ha! Look guys! I did it! I...!" Pit called. But soon after, he felt himself stumbling around while struggling to keep his weights up and his balance. Everyone watched nervously as Pit was soon coming their way.
"Wh-Whoa! Hold on Pit! You're...You're coming in too fast!" Palutena shouted.
"S-Slow down you pinhead!" Dark Pit exclaimed. But Pit could not stop in time and tackled into the two by accident. His weights went flying in the air and came crashing down on Dark Pit. Pit groaned, rubbing the back of his head.
"Whoa. That was nuts. But...hey. At least I could lift it." Pit said. But he then turned to see Dark Pit with a large, throbbing bump on top of his head. The dark angel growled and grabbed Pit, pulling him close.
"Holy cow Pittoo! How'd you get that?" he asked. Dark Pit growled and socked Pit as hard as possible, growing an even sized lump on Pit's head. After their weight training was finished, Viridi poofed up a set of punching bags. They appeared as long leaf bags tied to stands.
"All righty! Now let's get a few punches in on the ol' punching bag. Who's with me?" Viridi asked, getting a few jabs in. Everyone looked at each other and shrugged.
"This seems...safe." Pit said. But suddenly, Pit heard the sounds of a monster shriek. He turned to see the punching bag Viridi sparring with come alive.
"Wh-What in the...?!" Phosphora cried. Viridi socked hers away and turned to the others.
"What? You think I would make ordinary punching bags? Oh no! For this training session, you're EACH getting your own opponent! So good luck!" Viridi teased with a wink. Pit gulped and looked to his, seeing a fiendish face appearing on it and suddenly lunged at him. Dark Pit was ambushed as well as Phosphora began fleeing around the gym.
"DAH! Get it away from me!" Phosphora exclaimed. Pit groaned as he swung fist after fist towards the punching bag. But it seemed to prove of little effect as the monster socked him back and knocked him to the ground.
"Th-This is just NUTS!" Pit groaned.
~ KID ICARUS ~
As Viridi's exhausting program continued, we fast forward to the end to see Pit and the others stumbling their way out of the gym. They were, literally, drenched in sweat as Pit and Phosphora collapsed.
"Ugh! Man! I thought I was gonna die!" Pit sighed, gasping for breath. Dark Pit groaned and leaned against the wall.
"Y-You're telling me. I...thought I saw my life flash before my eyes." Dark Pit muttered. But as the three of them were gasping for air, we see Palutena and Viridi coming out side by side with one another. They seemed the less exhausted out of everyone else, seeming as if they came back from a light jog.
"Phew. I didn't think you had it in you Palutena. But...you proved me wrong. Sorry for what I said back there. I just can't tolerate people being lazy." Viridi said. Palutena smiled and waved her hand.
"Its okay. But, maybe until Pit gets older, how about letting me run his training and manage his own exercise? I doubt he's ready for your "style" yet." Palutena asked. Viridi smirked and shrugged.
"Ehh...fine. Whatever you say." she said. As they continued off, Pit and the others gawked in complete surprise.
"Uhh...wait. Whuh?" Phosphora stuttered. Pit and Dark Pit could not believe their eyes.
"H-How did they come out of that...like THAT?! We almost lost our sacred BUNS back there!" Pit exclaimed.
END OF EPISODE 16