Disclaimer: I don't own…um, shoot, what am I writing about here? Oh, well, as you read please keep in mind that I do not own any thing that I write about. Except perhaps Creepy. I made him up.
*On screen there is the set of the much-avoided Your Local News. The camera zooms in to the two newscasters seated at a desk in the center the room, as the speakers play cheesy news music. *
Newscaster#1: Thank you for tuning into tonight's program and not giving in to your weak nature to see the reality TV programs that are airing as we speak. Today is not important. The top stories for this evening include the summit between Bob Aragon and Fill Zimmerman, the race for most valued cheese eater, and the oil spill in my garage. First though lets go over some of the other news.
*Camera switches to the second newscaster. There is a sketch of an older man and a novel hovering over her sequined, right shoulder. *
Newscaster#2: Today the popular fantasy writer Robert Jordan died while leaving his home to go to an unknown destination. He was killed instantly when struck by lightning. Amazingly, this happened on a crowed street on a bright, cloudless, sunny day. Jordan left behind millions of devoted fans, mourning the loss of his great talent, mostly the loss of the ending to the seemingly endless series The Wheel Of Time, of which Jordan had just published the 15th book. Many hold the weatherman, Lightning Tom, responsible for the incident. It is not known whether the family will be pressing charges. Privet services are being held as we speak.
*Picture changes into that of a gas station over her bare, left shoulder. *
Newscaster#2: Earlier this morning the gas station on the corner of Avenue St. and Street Ave. was robbed by an armed man with three eyes, shots were fired, however no one was hurt seriously, except for a sheep and his herdsman, who died. The total sum stolen was 150 dollars and 3 Twinkies. There have been no suspects as…
*A hand from off camera handed a sheet of paper to the first newscaster. He flinches and sucks his thumb. *
Newscaster#1: *whining* Damn it! Another paper cut! They hurt so much…
*First newscaster begins to tear up; second newscaster rolls her eyes and grabs the paper from him. *
Newscaster#2: This just in, there seems to be some kind of disturbance at the funeral of Robert Jordan. We now go to Mr. Creepy Giggles, who is at Happyville Cemetery. Creepy?
*Screen changes to cemetery at twilight. It is crowded with mourners in black and the beginnings of a mob. A man appears in front of the camera; his three eyes are squinted against the rain that is coming down in droves, in his mouth a half-chewed Twinkie. A dog is lying on it's back looking dazed.*
Mr. C. Giggles: Yes Newscaster#2, as you can see it's raining cats and dogs out here and yet while the body was being laid to rest, it seems that an unruly mob bum rushed the locked gates and began to harass the funeral goers. The police have just been called. While we wait for them to come lets watch to see what happens.
*Mr. C. Giggles hides from the now increasingly dangerous crowd, by standing behind the cameraman, planning to use him as a human shield if worse comes to worse. His many eyes are wide with fright. A cat falls from the sky. To the right you are able to see a newly dug grave and several groups of people standing about it, the ones who are talking were later identified as Harvey and Constance.*
Harvey: It's a conspiracy Man! *twitches* They don't want us to know the truth! He's not really dead. I bet they took him to Area 51 with those aliens; he was just getting too close! They don't want it to get out! We need to dig up the grave, and prove that he is really alive!
Constance: What on earth are you talking about?!?! They? It? This is not a bad episode of the X-Files! It's clear to everyone that he has died but his spirit cannot move on because he was not able to share the end! *said with a look of divine hope* We must reach through the Veil of Death and get the answers so his soul can be at peace.
Harvey: Spirit? What kind of pot are you on? We need to dig the grave!
Constance: Reach his spirit!
Harvey: Dig the grave!
Mourner: No you can't! Have you no respect for the dead?! Let his bones rest in peace! Get over it, Move on, Mourn, Stop deluding yourself! Do not defile the sanctity of the grave!
Harvey: You're the one who is deluding yourself! There is a whole other world out there, one with the magic of the void, Jordan just told too many people and they silenced him! We must rise up and liberate him before they break his mind! 2+2 does not equal 5! Viva Revolution!
*Harvey runs into crowd in an effort to rally the masses to his cause. Meanwhile Constance gathers the stunned WoT fans around her, telling them to grasp hands.*
Constance: Now I want you all you picture a flower, for you men, a candle and a void will do, good, good, we know that Jordan is out there somewhere. Reach. Reeeeatch Reeeeeeeatch. There! I feel I presence! Hello? Who are you? Can you tell us what happens in the battle with the dark one? What? *Confused* Sheep? Who are you? Sheep#7? A stray bullet? Look can I talk to Robert Jordan? J-O-R-D-A-N. The hairy guy, may be a bit frazzled? Sure I'll hold. *Starts humming music by the Culture Club.*
*Several of the People is Constance's group become disheartened by her lack of success and move through the crowd ripping out their hair and franticly asking questions like… "What Happens to Rand?" "What was the explosion at the end of book 15?" "The two towers, can't they all just get along?" "What are the origins of Bella!?" Finding no answers these lost ones fall into fits, crouching in the fetal position, muttering, "It's clean."..."The Seanchan are coming!"…"And so may you ALL!" *
But where are the police?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Across Town*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rookie: Sir! There's a major mob forming at Happyville Cemetery! It's been deemed a Code Red!
Cop: What?
Rookie: *sigh* It could be violent sir…
Cop: Oh, well why didn't you tell me sooner? Lets Go!
*They hop into the squad car and take off, passing a donut shop. The car slows…*
Rookie: Sir?
Cop: I wonder if the have Jelly Donuts…
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Happyville Cemetery*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*Mr. C. Giggles is becoming nervous about Constance, who has disowned her group and taken to grazing on the flowers that decorate the grave, making lost-sheep noises. Harvey has been deprived of his shovels and has gone at the grave with his bare hands who, for some reason, is also making lost-sheep noises. One of the mourners approaches his before he gets more that a few feet.*
Another Mourner: Hey man you ok?
Harvey: He can't be gone, its' not fair…
Another Mourner: Yeah, I know I'll miss him too.
Harvey: Miss him? Like the Rose misses the sun…like the body misses it's lifeblood, like a channeler the source…*Sob* My life is over!
Another Mourner: Hey man, remember they are just books. Life does go on.
Harvey: Just books? *Momentarily taken away from his own personal hell*
*In a cry of rage all the WoT Fans rise up and descend on the other man with a resounding SplAt! A random mourner screams! A cat lands on it's feet!*
Constance: Baaaa! *Munches grass, eyes C. Giggles*
Mr. C. Giggles, standing in front of the camera: Hello? Hello?! Is anyone there? Newscaster #1? Are you there?!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*The Station*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Newscaster#2: I don't know why, but I've always felt the need to wear cheap beauty queen gowns, ever since I walked in on my father in those rhinestone pumps.
Newscaster#1: You know those are really comfortable, but they are so expensive! See, I got this pair at Rhinestones Plus and they cost me $200! Of course, there is a price for beauty. *Admires shiny feet*
Newscaster#2: I don't know, $200?? That seems a bit excessive…I don't even pay that muck for my dresses.
Newscaster#1: You're just cheep.
Newscater#2: *Gasp* Am not!
Newscaster#1: Are too!
*Mr. C. Giggles' voice floats through the speaker*: Hello? Hello?! Is anyone there? Newscaster #1? Are you there?!
Newscaster#1: Huh? Oh, uh yeah. How's it cumin' there Creepy?
Mr. C. Giggles: These people are crazy! And…and…I think they may have just killed a man! You guys have got to get me out of here! OH the Humanity!
Newscaster#1: Um, yeah that's great. Say Creepy, you would be willing to pay $200 for some good pumps right?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Happyville Cemetery*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Newscaster#1: Um, yeah that's great. Say Creepy, you would be willing to pay $200 for some good pumps right?
Mr. C. Giggles: What?!?
*Mr. C. Giggles screams in agony as Constance sinks her teeth deeply into his left leg. However no one else at the cemetery seems to notice due to the fact that they are all hunting down any one who would refer to WoT as 'Just books'. That or running form the mob.*
*Making raging sheep noises Constance bludgeons Mr. C. Giggles to near death with her forehead before running off into the night, narrowly missing hitting a dog plummeting to it's doom. *
*The frenzied horde gathers its might under the screaming voice of Harvey*
Harvey: To the news station! Down with the Lightening Tom! Down with the media! Kill 'em all!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*The Station*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Newscaster#1: Ooooookay…Right…And on to more other news, there was a devastating oil spill in my garage today. Many species of insects are said to have been impacted. More after these messages.
*Cheesy music kicks in and camera zooms out as the two newscasters make a break for the back door.*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*The End*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A/N: Well that was…interesting, in a worst-case scenario type of way. Horrifying yes, but…HEY! Don't give me that look! You know you've thought about it! We all have, those sleepless nights, the cold sweats, the abject terror…Robert Jordan if you ever read this…FINISH THE SEIRIES ALREADY! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! THINK ABOUT THE CHAOS AND INNOCENT LIVES LOST!!! *Sob*
This is too much; I have to go recuperate….