Moments

By Lily Maxwell

Dedicated to Lio

I used to dream.

Dreams are manifestations of one's deepest desires or fears. If it's burnt deep inside us, if we can't avoid thinking about it, if we can't avoid remembering it at the sight of something or someone, then we dream. Sometimes happy, bright, wonderful dreams. Sometimes despicable, dark, awful dreams.

I dreamt that the hand that held my own was warm. I dreamt about the open fields and the sun so strong that it made my eyes sting. Running, my arms open, my voice echoing with his. I dreamt of holding him, running my fingers through his hair to calm him down if he were upset. I dreamt of joyful, faraway moments. Moments that seemed to never come.

And when I woke up, it was all so grey. And cold. I was always cold. It spread through my chest, to my left arm. From my left leg, and throughout my whole being. It was overwhelming. And I always sat with him, I always sought his warmth, but it was never there. The steel of the armor wasn't anything better than me.

This was the cross we had to bear. If I believed in such thing.

I just thought this was the punishment life gave us. We tried to bring life back, and then our lives were taken instead.

So I dreamt. I dreamt of consoling him, because then, all I could do was pat him and hear the sound echoing inside the empty space where he sometimes hid a kitten. When he cried, there weren't any tears. It was as if my love could never reach him.

That was a stupid thought, for he knew I loved him. I would sacrifice anything for him, and he would sacrifice anything for me. But was there any meaning to believing? Weren't we clinging to this love, just so we wouldn't give up our existences entirely?

Sometimes I dreamt that the past never happened. I was never stupid enough to try bringing back the dead, and he wasn't stupid enough to help me. We just lived a normal life. And then, when I woke up, there wasn't a feeling of longing inside of me. I hate to think that I wouldn't want normality. Because it wasn't normality that made me the way I am. But that was a selfish thought.

This is when I'd pray for a better life for my brother. If I believed in such thing.

I slowly open my eyes. It doesn't feel cold.

My left arm encircled something soft. I move my head a little, and take in the scent of his hair. He doesn't make another sound than a low and barely noticeable snoring. In that long, red coat, he resembles me. But even after all we've been through, even after everything we've seen, he still manages to look innocent. Something that only he could do.

I hold him tighter and he switches positions. He now faces me, still lost in slumber. I can't help but be selfish. I am happy that he is with me, and not anywhere else. Even if he'd be happy away from this world, I want him to be with me. He smiles in his sleep.

And then, I don't need to dream anymore.

"If my life is transient like a flower
I'll be in full bloom by your side
And after watching your smile
I'll fall alone, quietly..."

- Ayumi Hamasaki, Moments

I haven't watched Fullmetal in a long time, so pardon the characterization. I promised I'd write this, so I did. Even if it's short, I'm glad I managed to write it.

Hope you enjoyed it, Lii-chan.

Ayumi Hamasaki lyrics are from the Divine Ayu Fansite.