Author's notes: I've re-worked this chapter both to mesh better with Atolm2000's "Waking the Dead" and to tone down the song-fic-ness a bit. Also because I realized that there was a fair bit of detail I'd left out of this chapter simply because Gonou/Hakkai wasn't coherent enough to be thinking about it. I'm working with Atolm2000 quite a bit – "Waking the Dead" is Sanzo's side of these events, so if you want the whole story, go read it. This 'fic was originally birthed during Hurricane Frances, and will illustrate the transition from Gonou to Hakkai, since the anime sorta skipped over that. I'm following the anime more than the manga, but diverging slightly from both. No yaoi, not even hints of shounen-ai.
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all its characters do not belong to me, I'm just borrowing them so I can torment them mercilessly.
The sight stops me in my tracks, disappointment almost a physical blow that knocks me to my knees and forces a howl of almost animal pain from my throat. The pile of charred timbers and rubble smokes slightly as though mocking me. I'd pushed myself for the greater part of the evening and the entire night, forcing myself not to collapse from the exertion. I know my wound's re-opened; I can feel the blood soaking the bandage and starting to trickle down my belly. The memory of Kanan's body is what spurred me on, kept me moving instead of collapsing and waiting for death to take me. I hadn't wanted to have an audience for this, but Gojyo and that shady-looking monk haven't given me a choice. They, and the kid who moves like lightning, have been following me since I first fled Gojyo's house. I can hear them stop just behind me.
"I heard that this place burned down a few days ago," the monk says coldly. "Nothing survived."
No . . . that can't be . . . I can't have failed her again. Surely the world isn't so completely without mercy? The dungeons were underground, surely they're still intact. I feel as if Kanan is waiting for me, waiting for me to take her in my arms. A fragment of memory floats before me; Kanan is within the circle of my embrace, eyes closed. She is singing softly, one slender hand on my chest.
Even when it seems that nothing can go right and you want to just give up, if you close your eyes, you can see the world from your heart.
Her song. It echoes in my mind, and I can see her, smiling up at me in the sunlight. I close my eyes, hot tears streaming down my cheeks, but all I see is blackness. My right eye burns where my nails cut into the soft tissue around it. Kanan... I get shakily to my feet, and force myself across the clearing to the edge of the hill-sized pile of rubble. In the diffuse pre-dawn light, it could almost be a scene out of one of my nightmares.
In this world when life can be so tough, you must be strong. Just believe in yourself and don't you fear.
I must have heard that song, in bits and in its entirety, a thousand times. She would sing at odd corners of the day – a line while setting the table, a verse while hanging clothes. Now that the memory of her singing has started, it continues against my will. Be strong, eh? I can do that. I shrug off the exhaustion and ignore the way my legs are trembling, dropping to my knees to start digging through the rubble. The stones are still hot, a lot of it is sharp, and my hands are fast becoming a mess of cuts and scratches, but I don't care. Kanan's body is down there somewhere, and I will find it. Behind me, the kid asks something, and the monk answers in a gruff voice. I can't make out the words over the pounding of blood in my ears and the whimpering sobs escaping my mouth. A drop of red hits my right hand, and for an instant I think I'm crying blood, but it's only a tear that dissolved some of the dried blood on my face. I keep moving rubble, tossing it behind me and shouldering it aside, until the only bits I can reach are too big to move at all. Wordlessly, I scream out my anger at myself, and at the youkai who took her from me, beating the stones with my fists until Gojyo pulls me away.
"Oy, I know how you feel, but even if her body did survive..." He surveys the hill of ruined castle before us. "You could dig for a month and not get anywhere."
I don't look up from where I'm kneeling, shoulder and forehead against the warm, sooty stone. "I'm not leaving. Not until I've prepared her a grave or monument." I didn't come all this way to fail her again.
Gojyo's hand tightens around my shoulder in sympathy, and without a word he walks back to the monk and kid. Struggling to catch my breath, I start gathering smaller bits of stone in my arms. Over the clacking and my ragged breathing, I can hear him demand that the monk chant a sutra for Kanan, and the monk's refusal.
"I only pray for the living," he spits out derisively, then there's a quiet rustling.
His shadow creeps towards me, and I sneak a sidelong glance towards them. The monk is sitting in the lotus position, sun rising directly behind him. Despite myself, I can't help but be impressed with the sight. He begins chanting then, his voice strong and clear, rolling smoothly over the cadences as though they were written to be spoken only by him. I pause in my work, and the taunting memory of Kanan's song trails off.
So open up your mind and close your eyes. Take another look from the other side.
Reflexively, I close my eyes as I always did at that line, never sure how I was supposed to look with my eyes shut. But in honor of her memory, I kneel with my eyes closed and let that voice roll over me; a vibrant ocean of strength and determination, of love and pain. That ocean fills me until I, too, am full of determination; my path stands clear before me and I know without doubt what it is that I must do. Slowly, I get to my feet again and resume gathering stones from the ruin of the castle, constructing a cairn over the last remnant of my life with Kanan. Soot and ash covers my hands, arms, and front, where it sticks to and hides the patch of dark wetness. The bandage is completely soaked; my wound is bleeding freely but I don't care. My blood – my tainted sinner's blood – is smeared on the rocks that I pile up slowly until they form a sturdy pile waist-high. The monk has stopped chanting and in silence I kneel before it, saying a prayer for Kanan and sending my feelings to her one last time. My hands are remarkably steady as I reach underneath my shirt, move aside the blood-soaked bandages, dig soiled fingers into the small opening there, and then with a jerk pull my hands apart. My dirty, tainted blood pours out onto the rocks as I hear surprised shouts from Gojyo and the monk, and then with the memory of Kanan's song ringing hollowly inside me, the world is swallowed up by blackness like the inside of my heart.
Even on a lonely night, when you wander afraid, you may be alone now. But your feet can take you however far you want to go, so...
Kanan...this will be the last road I travel. I only hope that when I find you at the other end, you can forgive me for what I've become...
"If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll kill you."
There is a voice, full of anger. I know that voice. Where...? I open my eyes, and close them tightly as despair tears into me. I'm not dead. Why am I not dead? Kanan...I should be with Kanan. Instead, I have been propped in a sitting position against a tree. There is tight pain around my waist; my wound has been bandaged tightly. Someone stands up and grabs my chin firmly. When I open my eyes again, I'm staring straight into a pair of violet eyes that somehow aren't as angry as they should be. The face recedes and it is the monk glaring at me, slightly out of focus.
"You are going to lie there and rest. My orders are to bring you back to the Temple of the Setting Sun ALIVE, you got that?"
I close my eyes and turn my head away, pulling out of the iron grip he has on my jaw. The monk makes a sound of disgust and stalks off. A moment later I can hear him yelling at the kid, and the kid yelling back. Kanan . . . what would you say if you could see me? My heart cries out, seeking some shred of comfort in a world that seems determined to be my own personal Hell. As though to prove the point, her song twists its way through my mind again.
Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes . . . look inside yourself, there's a shining light there. Yes, I want you to believe in everything. You can take another look from the other side
A shining light...I don't see it. All I see is blackness. Right now, I can't find the strength to believe in anything but my own failure to do anything right. The song won't stop; I press my temple against the rough bark. I know the words that are coming, and there is no defense against them.
Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking. Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow. Yes, if you have the strength to live, you can take another look from the other side. Until you find all that is love...
The tears come again, hot down my left cheek, burning my right eye. How appropriate the words are, slicing as they do into my heart, still raw even after a month. It is not only my heart that is broken; my mind and body are also broken, and I can't bring myself to want live to see tomorrow. Kanan...how am I supposed to find the strength to live without you here with me? That song, her song. All I have left of her, and it's a lie. Love...I no longer believe that it can exist in the world that took Kanan away from me.
The rest of the day passes in a fog of depression. The monk glares at me almost all the time, and the kid just looks at me curiously. I stare dully back, obeying the monk's biting directions sluggishly. I don't care, the officials at the temple will surely sentence me to death and then he'll be rid of me. The gods show me a small bit of mercy, at least. Whole hours pass without my knowing; awareness of my surroundings fades in and out and frees me from having to deal with the world around me.
The next few days pass in the same manner. I eat when the monk – Genjo Sanzo – tells me to eat, rest when he tells me to rest. I do not speak; I see no reason to, and spend my time looking blankly off into the distance, not meeting anyone's eyes. I doubt I am really aware of things for more than five minutes of every hour, and it's almost a surprise to find myself standing before the Temple of the Setting Sun. Genjo Sanzo doesn't look very happy to be returning to his temple; either that, or my presence is a continuing irritation. The kid – I still don't know his name, Genjo Sanzo only calls him 'stupid monkey' – is dashing up the steps cheerfully. The fog lifts slightly as I watch him vanish into the darkness of the temple's entrance, and then Genjo Sanzo's irritated voice orders me up the stairs. I climb slowly and steadily, a sort of peace settling into my heart. Soon, I will return to Kanan.
A temple functionary meets us at the entrance to the great hall where I will be sentenced. A muscular monk behind him holds a pair of shackles ready, and without a word I hold my arms out to have them clasped around me.
"That won't be necessary." Genjo Sanzo's voice is brittle with annoyance.
I turn and look him in the eyes, something that seems to startle him. "It's okay," I say softly, my voice rusty from disuse. I'm ready to die, my eyes say to him. I'll be out of your hair soon enough. I'm sorry for the inconvenience I've caused you.
Genjo Sanzo makes a sound of disgust. "Fine then, suit yourself." He turns away as I'm being shackled, anger and irritation in every fiber of his body.
The functionary announces us, the door opens, and I calmly follow at the side of Genjo Sanzo, ready to meet my fate. There are dozens of high-ranking priests and monks kneeling on flat cushions in rows, and we walk down the center of them. I stop and kneel before the head of the temple, and Genjo Sanzo continues a step or two, then takes his place to my right, at the head of his row.
"Cho Gonou, you are brought before us today to answer for your crimes. You have killed two entire clans of youkai, numbering roughly one thousand in all. What excuse do you give for your actions?" The priest's voice is thin but strong, and it rings in the corners of the room.
"None," I say quietly. The assembled monks and priests murmur in surprise.
"Do you admit to these heinous actions and accept whatever sentence is given to you for your crimes?" His voice is suspicious, accusing.
"I do." I look him in the eyes, ready to hear my sentence pronounced.
"Then for your crimes you will atone, through fasting and meditation, one day for each of your victims. You will spend each day meditating on one of the innocents you killed, and how they might have lived their lives had you not cut their days short." There is a trace of pompousness in the tone; he is sentencing me to a slow death by self-inflicted starvation, and the others mutter approvingly.
I bow over my shackled wrists, about to voice my acceptance, when a vibrant, cold voice rings out.
"That's hardly a fair sentence." The monks and priests murmur again, and my eyes are drawn up to meet the glinting, angry amethyst of Genjo Sanzo's eyes. "This man will die long before the thousand days are up."
Yes, I think at him. Yes, I will die. Let me die.
"For sins as serious as his, he should suffer much more than a mere handful of days before his body gives out. Death would only be an escape for him; he should be made to live every day with the knowledge of what he's done, and devote his life to atonement for his crimes." That strong, clear voice is full of anger and those purple eyes glare reproachfully at me.
I bow my head before that righteous gaze and close my eyes with the song echoing again in my head, mocking me with words that contradict what my soul cries out for.
I wish for you to have the strength to make it through this world. So open up your mind, and you'll be able to see...
An argument washes over my head; the head of the temple and Genjo Sanzo are arguing over my fate; despair closes its fist around my heart. I am being denied death, denied my wish to be with Kanan again.
"Cho Gonou, hear your sentence!" The old man's voice snaps me out of my fog and I raise my head. "Cho Gonou is hereby sentenced to immediate death. You, nameless one, will remain here as a lowly acolyte and purify yourself through atonement and abstinence. The honored Genjo Sanzo will be responsible for your actions, so mind you act appropriately to repay him for sparing your life. You will be under his care for one thousand days, or until he judges that you have atoned for your sins, at which time you will return here and be baptized with a new name to fit your new life."
Numbly, I get to my feet as Genjo Sanzo moves past me, and follow in a daze.
Just remember you are not alone, so don't you fear. Even though you're miles away, I'm by your side. So open up your mind and close your eyes. I'll be there for you no matter where you are.
I lay on my back on a narrow, hard cot in a simple stone cell, letting the cruel irony of my beloved's song slice my worthless self to ribbons. In cells all around me, lesser monks sleep or meditate, but I lie awake with her song, her voice, echoing in the void of my soul. My eyes are closed and my attention is focused inwards, futilely following the commands of the memory of Kanan's voice. The words mock me; I have never felt so alone, but I cling with the strength of despair to the last shred of happiness we once had.
The stars may live for a long time, but that doesn't mean that the same days will repeat over and over forever. No one can see into tomorrow.
A bitter laugh bursts out of me, and I stifle it with one fist before it turns to sobs. I never would have seen this tomorrow coming. Could you see it, Kanan? Would you still have chosen your path if you'd seen me lying here like this, with these rings of cold fire in my ear? These bits of arcane metal that preserve the lie of what I no longer am, stolen from the corpse of the thing I've become. Or were you able to see my fate, and was that the reason you did what you did?
Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes, look inside yourself, you'll feel a heartbeat. Yes, I want you to believe in the future. You can take another look from the other side.
What future? What future do I have, could I possibly have? What reason does my heart have to continue to beat? Why should I bother to live?
Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking. Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow. Yes, there's another world out there. You can take another look from the other side, and you'll be able to find all that is love...
The burning in my right eye starts again and I clench my eyes shut, sobbing silently. It's as though Kanan knew what would come; the words of her song slice me to ribbons with their biting mockery. What do I have to live for? What love could I possibly find in a world where I have become the thing that killed Kanan, and where the very man who sentenced me to life did it with cold anger in his eyes as he looked at me?
I'm looking, Kanan. But all I see is darkness.