Title - Getting Through
By - PheonixFireBlack
Summary - The band broke up almost six years ago, but he was still upset about it. He was like he had been before the band, if not worse. It's just hard to get through to him anymore. He had just started to be open before everything ended. Then he tucked himself back into his shell. Why did this have to happen?
Category - School of Rock
Genre - Angst/General
Rating - PG-13
Feedback - Please?
Criticism - Sure, why not? Flame me for all I care. stares at flames "I still cannot believe that only I can prevent forest fires." Damn. Oh well! (If you read this...you one person who has given me that quote will know who you are. Luv ya, girl! wink)
Disclaimer - Come on, we've been through this. Do I own SoR? readers shake their heads Good little readers. pats them on their heads You get a cookie! throws cookies in the air
Notes - Alright, I'm back in black! Ok...not really...I'm just back with another angst-filled, Zack-depression-after-the-band-broke-up-fic. It's ABOUT Zack, but it's from someone else's P.O.V. Who? Well...read and freakin' find out if you're so nosy! giggles Flashbacks shall ensue. Later!

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Getting Through
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I've been going through some old stuff that I had boxed away and in the closet in the small apartment that Zack and I share. It was mostly a bunch of photo albums, loose pictures and junk. Nothing too interesting until I came across one picture in particular. In the picture, there were about fifteen or sixteen kids who all looked to be about fourteen or fifteen years old and one full-grown man who looked to be at least in his late forties, if not older. All of the kids were wearing punk clothing that was most likely bought at Hot Topic--even Summer Hathaway. Over the years, we even managed to get her to loosen up. That was the last picture we had taken together, as a band, as The School of Rock. There were a lot of memories in that one picture, and not all of them were good.

The ones I am thinking of at the moment are though. It was when he used to talk. When he was more open about things. He's changed since we were fifteen years old, though. I have too, but not as much as Zack. He's changed way too much over the years. The changes had all started when the band started to not be so much of a band anymore. The groupies were getting kind of lax about the merchandise, not that we needed it right now, but it was the thought that they weren't dedicated anymore; Katie and Marta had started skipping out on practices because of dates with their out-of-band boyfriends; Summer was already too busy with school and it only got worse when her parents started pressuring her to try and get into college a year early.

Soon enough, everyone was starting to slack off from their jobs in the band or skipping practices. Even Dewey missed a few, and we still practiced at his and Ned's old apartment. Zack noticed the small changes more than anyone. The groupies not making merchandise was one of those things. No one else noticed that until he mentioned it. He knew that was how it would start. All of it eventually grew to the point where we would only have one day of practice every week and even at that, they still skipped out most of the time. I think what hurt Zack the most was Katie and the others skipping out on practice for their "oh, so much more important social lives". Everyone always knew that Zack was by far the most passionate about the band; he even beat Dewey in that department, and that's a hard accomplishment to manage. If you ever met the man, you'd probably understand a little better.

That was when we were fourteen. The next year had hardly even started and so many practices were being skipped that Dewey had called everyone up and had us meet at the old apartment. We were all confused, but figured it might be important and everyone showed up, for once. In the end, what Dewey asked us made Zack loose it all together in a matter of minutes.

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Flashback
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"You guys are probably wondering why the hell I told you all to come over here, huh?" Dewey asked, looking around and getting a wave of nodding heads in agreement, he continued. "I've been thinkin' and seein' how things have been goin' over the past year and...frankly, a lot of us are slackin' off and missin' practices." He laughed a little, "Hell, I've even missed a few of them!" He went on to tell everyone what he had noticed. "So, anyway, I was wondering if you guys might just want to...ya know, quit the band all together. I mean, none of us are doing much of anything anymore anyway, right? So, I thought, why not? But...this isn't just my band, it's our band and you guys are in on the decision and if you guys don't want to...I guess we could try and pick it up again, right? So, anyway, what do you guys think?"

Most of the people in the room were nodding in agreement, even me, but not Zack. He was looking around at all of us in disbelief. He frowned and stood up. "No." Zack shook his head, "No! We can't just...break up. Why would we?" he looked around for an answer.

It was Michelle who spoke up, "Well...most of us have gained a little thing called a social life, Zack. " She hadn't meant it to come off as mean, she wasn't a mean girl, but that was obviously how Zack took it.

"She's right, Zack." Katie spoke up, "I mean...you and Freddy are the only ones that really go to practices all the time except when I come sometimes..."

"So, are you trying to tell me that I don't have a life now?" Zack asked defensively.

"Now, Zack, I don't think that's what they're saying." Summer, ever-motherly and caring spoke up. "I think what they're trying to say, is--"

Zack cut her off and went into a mini-rant. "Did any of you ever think that some of us might still be passionate about the band? You guys are hardly giving us time to make anything of ourselves! We could get a record deal within the next year or two! But if we break up now, we won't ever know!"

"Zack, none of us are even coming to practice or doing our jobs! What's the point of staying together if no one's interested anymore?" Marta pipped up.

"That's what you don't get!" Zack yelled. "I still want the band to be together! Am I the only one that wants this?" He looked around for anyone that might be with him. There was only one person, and that was me, but that was all. Zack laughed, but it wasn't a normal one, it was a bitter one. "I can't believe this." He coughed a few times and I knew it was because he was trying to keep the laugh up, but was also choking back tears. "I can't believe you guys. After all these years..."

"We formed this thing in the fifth grade, Zack. We're only in the eighth grade, now." Alicia, who had gotten her braces removed over the summer, said.

"That's my point!" He shouted, "We've only been together not even three years yet, and you all want to break up now! Why? Why now...of all times?"

This went on for about an hour; Zack yelling and everyone else giving points to counter him. The whole thing ended in Dewey declaring the end of the band in finalization and almost everyone leaving. Zack and I stayed. I stayed because he did; he stayed behind because he didn't want anyone to see him crying. I don't think that he knew I was still there; I think he figured I left like everyone else. That's probably why he was so shocked when I reached over and squeezed his shoulder.

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End Flashback
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I can hardly believe that I still remember that so clearly. Then again, we've been best friends for life--literally. I can't help but look at the picture again and go back to that day. I can't help but go back to the aftermath of that day; the day that The School of Rock officially ended.

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Flashback
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It was such a simple, usually calming gesture, yet it caused him to tense up and jump. Why did he do that? All I did was squeeze his shoulder. I looked down at him and he looked up at me. He tried to wipe the tears from his cheeks before I could see them, but we both knew it was too late. "W-What are you still doing here?" He asked me.

I sat down next to him again and looked at him. "What do you mean 'What are you still doing here'? What do you think I'm still here for?"

"I-I just thought..that you would..." He swallowed, "Leave...like everyone else."

I shook my head, "No. You're my best friend, Zack. I would never leave you if I knew that you really needed me." I chided myself for that one. It just sounded so...stupid. But I knew that what he wanted to hear; it was what he needed to hear.

"R-really? You...you mean that?"

I nodded, "Yeah...no matter what happens...I'll always be here for you, ok?"

It was his turn to nod. "So...you--" He licked his lips. It was a nervous habit he had. "You don't care if I..."

"Just...let it out, Zack. Cry all you need to. Cry on my shoulder if you want. I don't care. You just don't need to keep it locked up." I said and he did just that; he leaned over and cried his eyes out into my shoulder. "Zack..."

He looked up at me, "Yeah?"

"Can you promise me something?"

"What?" His voice cracked a little from the massive amount of crying he'd been doing.

"Can you promise me that you won't go back to how you were before? That you'll still talk to me...still be...open about stuff?"

He nodded, "Yeah...yeah, I promise..."

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End Flashback
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I threw the picture into the box it had come from. It still pissed me off and that was one thing I had never forgiven him for. He lied to me. He had promised me that he wouldn't clam up and lock things inside like before. And he lied. He did just that. Slowly but definitely, Zack started to get quieter and quieter. He became more self-contained and kept more to himself all the time. I hated it. I hated watching him revert back to how he was in fifth grade. But what I hated the most was the fact that I couldn't do anything about it. I had tried to talk to him, just to try and kind of remind him about his promise in a subtle manner, but it didn't work. Sure, he talked, but it was nothing like how he had been over the years that the band had been together.

How could he do this? Why would he do this to himself? I know that in being as self-contained like he is, Zack is only hurting himself. And plus, he's way over critical of himself. It wasn't so bad when we were in the band, but after that...it was really bad. It's like he thought that it was his fault or something that he did that made the band disperse, so after that he made a habit of being overly critical on everything he did; everything had to be perfect. Even stupid little things like a stack of papers not being just the way he wanted them to be. I almost want to say that he had developed a case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I know that's not it.

Ever since the band broke up, Zack's put a shield around himself again. The way he kept to himself, you might think that he did it so he wouldn't get hurt again. Maybe that was part of the reason--or even the whole reason. Somehow that didn't seem right, though. Not for someone like Zack. Then again, maybe it was. The shield he had build around himself was hard to get through; I'm not even sure if it's possible to break through that shield anymore. I've tried, believe me, I've tried, but every time I think he might actually divulge something to me, he stops and changes the subject. It's like he doesn't want anyone to get through. And if that's the case, it truly hurts me. Even if that's not it, it still pains me because that's the only way I can take it since he doesn't talk to me anymore.

What was that? Oh, shit. He's home. His classes are over. That must have been the door opening. I've got to put these pictures back before he sees them. He doesn't even know I still have this stuff. I quickly started shoving the pictures and albums back into the box. I don't even care if the loose pictures were put back in their little Wal Mart picture-packages, I just threw them into the box.

"What the hell are you doing?" I heard him shout. "What's with all the noise?"

"Nothing!" I yell back, shoving the box into the back of the closet where it usually was. I stood up and was about to shut the door when he cleared his throat from the doorway. This caused me to jump and slam the door shut instead. "Zack! Don't do that!"

"Freddy, what are you doing?" He asked, obviously amused.

"Nothing..." I said again, walking over to my side of the bed, which was farthest from the closet, and fell back onto it. "Anyway, I think the real question is what are you doing?"

"I just got done with my classes, I'm taking a break, Freddy."

"Right...I knew that."

Zack rolled his eyes and let his bag fall off his shoulder. "God...I think the Professor's are giving us more homework to carry with us or something..." He said, rotating his shoulder as he walked over and sat next to me.

I sat up behind him, "Aww...poor baby." I teased, "Does Zack want a shoulder massage?"

"Zack wouldn't mind it..."

"As long as you stop talking in third person...you'll get it."

"Alright...easy enough." Zack tilted his head back to look at me and smirked.

I clapped my hands together and slowly snaked my hands up his back towards his shoulders, starting as close as I could get to his waist. Around the middle of his back, I stopped and put my hands down. "This might be easier if you took your shirt off." I said slowly, grinning.

"You just want an excuse for me to have my shirt off." He teased me, all the while, removing his shirt.

I smirked. "Yeah...so?" I started over, slowly moving my hands up his now bare back. I hit a nerve and he shivered.

"Freddy..." He growled, "Don't."

"What? I didn't do anything, Zack." I said innocently.

"Don't you dare."

"I'm not doing anything, Zack! What the hell is it that you don't want me to do?" I asked, running my hands over that same spot again, a little lighter this time. He squirmed a little more this time.

"Freddy...I'm warning you..." He said in a low tone.

"I still didn't do anything..." I muttered, a pout obvious in my voice. I grinned behind him as I did it for a third time, even lighter than the last.

Zack turned on me this time, facing me. "Freddrick Alexander Jones! If you don't stop doing that...I'm going to strangle you!"

I smiled a little. His face was only inches from now. "Fine...fine..." I looked his square in the eyes. "I promise I won't do it anymore."

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow, questioning my promise.

I nodded and he turned back around. I started just below his shoulder blades, running my hands up towards his shoulders again. I hit another place near his spine and he shivered.

"Freddy..." He warned.

"I didn't know about that place, Zack!" I defended myself. I finally allowed my hands to reach his shoulders and proceed to massage them.

"God...You should drop out of your acting classes and go on to be a masseuse." Zack muttered, leaning slightly into me.

"Mmm..nah...I like the acting."

"Then do it for a fall-back."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked in a mock-defensive tone. "You don't think I'll make it as an actor?"

"I dunno...you could but...things happen. You know that." As he spoke, his tone got a little lower.

I felt my heart sink a little at the dark tone he used when he said that. I knew that he was referring to the band. I sighed and leaned over onto his back and whispered in his ear. "That was almost six years ago, Zack..."

"I know, but...it's still so fresh in my mind, Freddy. Like it was just a week ago or something..."

"I know..." I said, running my right hand up his arm to squeeze his shoulder, "I know." I sighed silently and he tilted his head back a little. I could see that he was going to "That place." It was just a look he had in his eyes when he went back to that day. I hadn't seen that look in his eyes in awhile and it saddened me a little to think that he would go back now. "Zack..."

"Hmm?"

"Don't..." I was almost begging him for this.

"Don't what?" Zack asked, completely sincere in his confusion, unlike my teasing earlier.

"Don't go back...you've been really good about not going back lately, Zack. Please, don't go back now..." We were sitting up on the bed, facing each other now.

"But, Freddy, I--"

I couldn't let him continue. I cut him off, "Zack, I want you to promise me something."

He bent his head down to look at his lap for a moment before sharply looking back up at me, "I don't think I should promise you anything anymore, Freddy." He said in that dark tone that I couldn't stand hearing from him.

"Why?" I know I shouldn't do it, but now I'm curious to find out his reasoning behind this.

"The last promise I made...I broke." He barely even whispered the last two words. I doubt that even he could hardly hear them.

"Zack....it's ok. I don't care. Y-You've started to pick up again. It's ok...a-as long as you keep that up. You can't quit, Zack. You have to--"

"Why not? Everyone else did!"

"Zack...please..." I pleaded, closing my eyes. "I went back today already, ok? I don't need to go back again." I noticed that my voice had cracked slightly.

"What do you mean?"

"Earlier...when you came in...I-I was looking at some old pictures of the band and--."

"You mean you still have that stuff? Freddy, you told me you got rid of all of that."

I could feel the guilt rising. "I-I did...well, most of it. I've only got a little bit left." And suddenly the self-defense was coming, "You may want to forget all about that time that we had with them, but I don't. I want to remember the good times we all had together, Zack."

"How can you--How can you remember the good times? Any time I think of the band...that day that we..." He sounded like he was trying to choke back tears, "That day is the only thing that comes to my mind."

"I don't really try to think about it that much--the band, that is--because I know that eventually, that day will come to my mind." I said quietly. "But you've got to look at this. If the band had never...broken up...we would of never...hooked up."

"What?"

"Well, think about it. We were the only ones that still even gave a damn about the band, so naturally, all of that hit us hard. We were there for each other during that time and...we also figured out that...that we liked each other. That was pretty much when it happened, Zack."

"I know, but Freddy, I--" He stopped whatever it was he was going to say and quickly said, "I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"But, Zack--"

"I said I don't wanna talk about it, ok?" He snapped, despite the fact that his voice was wavering.

I looked down at the bed for a moment, "Fine." When I looked back up at him, tears were streaming down his cheeks. I closed my eyes and sighed. "Zack..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember...that promise I made to you that day?"

Zack frowned and I took that as a no.

"I told you that I would always be there for you, remember? That I would always let you cry on my shoulder. That offer is still there if you ever want to talk or need a shoulder to cry on, Zack. It's always been there and it always will be. It won't ever go away...I won't let it."

Zack started fidgeting with the blanket and sheets on the bed, eyes cast down.

"What's wrong?"

He slowly raised his eyes to look at me. "I dunno, you just...you're kinda makin' me feel bad, Freddy."

It took a minute for me to realize what he was saying, but when realization dawned, my eyes were wide and I spoke immediately. "No! Zack...that's not what I meant. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it in a way to downgrade you or anything, Zack, I just meant that--"

Zack leaned forward towards me and put a finger to my lips.

"But, Zack--"

"It always works in the movies..." He gave me a look, "Shut up so we can act like there's a camera over there," Zack randomly pointed somewhere with his free hand, which looked kind of like it might have either been in the direction of the doorway, the closet, or maybe even more specifically...the dresser.

I smirked, "The camera's in the dresser?" I asked, speaking against his finger. That amused me greatly.

"Yes. It's a hidden camera. Now, shut up!"

I stopped talking, but couldn't help but smile as he removed his finger from my lips, only to replace it by his own lips. I had always loved the way Zack tasted; after we figured out that we were kind of gay and in love with each other, that is.

Zack was laying there in bed and was completely restless. He kept turning over from one side to the other, to his back and all back around again. He sighed and turned over to face the closet again. I could feel him sit up over the edge of the bed for the third time that night. I sighed and sat up myself, "Zack..."

"Mmm...go back to sleep, Freddy..." He whispered quietly.

"But, Zack..."

"I can't sleep...and if you can, you should."

"Why?"

"Because you need to sleep. You have classes tomorrow." Zack answered in an almost monotone.

"No...Zack, I mean why can't you sleep?"

"It's just I--" There he goes again. Stopping himself from confiding in me. "I don't know."

Now I was starting to get angry. I could feel the anger starting to flow through my blood, "Why are you doing this, Zack!" I yelled.

"What?" He asked, sounding almost defenseless and on the verge of tears.

"You start to confess something to me and then you stop. You've been doing it for the last year or two now! Why?"

"I...I don't know, Freddy, I just..." He looked over his shoulder at his blond companion.

What, Zack? I thought. "You just...what?" I asked slowly.

"I don't know..." He muttered again.

"No...you know, you're just not telling me. Why are you doing this, Zack?"

"I-I don't...know...Freddy!" Zack's voice kept getting quieter and quieter.

"Zack!"

"I'm sorry, Freddy, but I don't know why I've been acting like that! I'm sorry..."

I could tell from the tone of his voice that Zack was crying and that pained me, but I was still annoyed at him. However, as long as I could hear Zack was crying, I couldn't stay mad at him. I sighed and moved over a little towards him and wrapped my arms around him. "Zack...I-I'm sorry...I just...you worry me is all..."

"I...worry you?" He asked leaning his head into the crook of my neck.

"Yeah...being so quiet...keeping to yourself and being so...detached and everything...you make me really concerned, Zack..."

"But...I don't want you to worry, Freddy. I just want you to...I want you to love me and...help me...and...I don't know...stuff like that, I guess..." He leaned into me as he spoke and I slid my arms down to his waist and pulled him closer.

"Can you just...try to be more open with me, Zack?"

"I-I've tried, believe me. I know that I've been secluded and I've...I've tried to be more open with you but...I can't...I don't know why, but I just cant." He turned slightly and even in the darkness, I could see that his eyes were soft and maybe even holding a little fear.

"Why are you scared?" I asked him, whispering in his ear.

"I don't want you to leave me, Freddy..."

"No, Zack..." I closed my eyes and hugged him closer to me, "No...I won't...I can't leave you...I can't even imagine leaving you, Zack. Why would you even think I could do that?"

He shrugged, "I guess it's just because it seems like everyone else in my life that has ever meant anything to me has left me.."

"That's not true, Zack."

"Yes it is! You're the only one that's ever stayed when you said you would. You're--You're the only one that's ever said you love me and meant it, Freddy."

"No...Zack, that's--"

"Yes it is and don't try to convince me otherwise, ok? I know my life, Freddy."

"Alright, alright...don't get so worked-up..." I moved my hands to rub his arms, "It's ok...I believe you, don't worry..." I leaned down and kissed his cheek. "I believe you..." I whispered in his ear.

"Freddy..."

"Yeah?"

He looked up at me, "Do you think we could...play some tomorrow?"

"What?" I frowned.

"You still have your drum set...right?"

I smiled, "Yeah..."

"Maybe we could...maybe we could play tomorrow."

"Really?"

He nodded, "Yeah..."

I grinned. He hadn't brought up music in years, unless it was something about a CD. This was great. I finally got through. I finally broke through the shield and I was inside it with him. Maybe he wouldn't let anyone else in at the moment, but that was ok, because at least I could talk to him and he could talk to me. At least he would talk to me. I wrapped my arms around him, locking his arms in place and pulled him over on top of me as I leaned back.

"Freddy!" He laughed.

I grinned and let him go and he lay down again, his back facing me. I was tempted into a cross of two things. I could either wrap my arm around his waist and pull him closer to me or I could be playful and do something similiar to what I was doing when I was giving him a massage. I grinned mischievously as I decided the latter. I reached over and barely brushed my fingers over a place near the middle of the small of his back.

He leaned forward and shivered. "God...Freddy..."

"What?"

"Please...don't..."

"Aww, come on! You're no fun!"

Zack rolled his eyes and shifted slightly, though for some unknown reason, kept his back to me. Oh, what a not-so-smart boy Zack is. I could feel my shoulders shake with light laughter but I quickly calmed myself down. I couldn't help but do it again, only a little higher on his back. I zigzagged my fingers over that spot. I heard him groan, but he stayed quiet otherwise. Oh, damn him. I like the fake, idiotic banter we have sometimes. I shrug and try again, about an inch under his shoulder blades. This caused him to shiver, groan and turn over to face me.

"Freddy! Could you please stop?"

"But I like tickling you."

"But I don't like you tickling me."

"Of course you don't! And that's the point!" I chuckled.

"But, Freddy!"

"But, Freddy, nothin'! It's fun!"

"But...I..." In the retaliation of a three year old and stuck his tongue out at me.

"Oh, so very mature, Zack."

"And you're one to talk?"

"Never claimed to be." I grinned.

Zack turned over again and made his way to be closer to me. I took this as my cue to wrap my arm around his waist and pull him as close as humanly possible without the two of us fusing together to become one being. I liked being like this. It was nice and even in it's simplicity, it was kind of romantic. One thing that was bothering me was what was going through Zack's mind at the moment. There was no way for me to know unless I asked, so that's what I did. "Zack..."

"Hmm?"

I sat up, leaning on my arm and started fingering his hair, slowly moving my fingers, sort of massaging his head. "What are you thinking about?"

Zack had to force himself to keep his eyes open so he could answer the question. "Uh, nothing really...just...how nice this is..."

"How nice what is?" I asked, my head tilted slightly. I was curious as to just what he was referring to.

"You...and me...lying here...together and...mmm...God...that feels good."

"Huhm..." I chuckled lightly.

"Can we...mmm...go to sleep?"

"Yeah..." I said, stopping my massaging and lying down.

"Mmm...no...don't stop, please?"

"Hmm? What...what are you talking about?" I frowned. Now he had managed to confused the hell out of me, though that didn't ever seem to be very hard to do and he had done that quite a lot over the few years.

Zack turned slightly, took my hand and placed it back on his head. "I liked that...it was nice...felt good..."

I smiled a little as I lay there and stroked his hair and massaged his head. "Good night, Zack..."

"'Night...Spaz..."

I knew that he had closed his eyes and already fallen asleep. I could tell by his slow, rhythmic breathing. I continued to stroke his hair. I sat up a little and leaned over him, kissing him on the forehead. "Good night...Zack Attack..." I muttered before laying back down and falling asleep myself, knowing that I had finally gotten through. I think I even fell asleep with a smile on my face because I knew that Zack and I were in some kind of protected shield that no one could penetrate through it no matter what.

No one could get through unless we allowed them to, but we would have to agree on letting them in and being open to them. That's what the shield is for. To let us know who we could trust; who we could really trust. I hoped that we could allow some others in, but for now, maybe everything would be ok if the two of us just lived in our own little world where everything revolved around us and only us. Yeah...that would do for now. Later we could do something about other things...but for now, just the two of us would do.