His fingers brush gently across the handle of the knife, smooth, sanded wood.
He tries to remember why he hasn't done it already, ended it.
He thinks of Will, at work, a long shift about to end.
He thinks of Will, coming home, turning on the lights, and wondering where he is.
He thinks of Will knowing something is wrong and rushing to the roof.
He thinks of Will seeing him in a pool of his own blood.
He knows that it would be hard, so hard, for Will to accept it.
But the thoughts don't stop him.
I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, "I'll never let you go."
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone,"
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight
He wonders what Will would feel, what he would say, if he knew now.
When it wasn't too late.
But it is.
He remembers that Will used to smile and laugh at the jokes Nat made.
Would he still smile and laugh?
Would he move in with Natalie?
Would he forget Connor?
Of course not.
Will wasn't that kind of person.
Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
He knows that there must be something wrong.
Depression.
It's not normal.
But he hates himself.
A deep, dark loathing.
He hates himself for saving the wrong people.
Not saving the right ones.
He hates himself for loving Will.
This would hurt Will.
He shouldn't even be thinking about this.
Don't you dare look out your window, darling.
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Gone
He wants to feel.
He wants to be able to feel, because all of this...
The pain, the hate, everything?
He's so numb.
He wants to feel it.
Sharp, cold.
He needs to feel the pain, because pain is better than nothing.
He wants to die, and it's a startling revelation.
Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
He looks at the sunset.
He left a note.
Saying he loved Will.
Saying he didn't want to hurt him.
Saying to tell his family.
Saying everything he would never tell anyone in person.
Saying he appreciated everyone.
Saying it was no one's fault.
Saying nothing and everything in less than a paragraph.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
La, la
La, la
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
La, la
He decides to do it.
Wrist, a sharp blade.
Swipe.
Done.
He leans back against the wall, looking out over Chicago.
His city.
His beautiful, perfect city.
His energy is fading fast, blood pouring from his wrist.
Just close your eyes,
He hears a key in the door downstairs.
He got the highest apartment in the building, one floor from the roof.
Will must be home.
He hears a voice, Will's voice.
He thinks about what Will is going to feel in a few minutes.
The blood that stains the cement enchants him.
Red, red, pouring.
You'll be alright
Will bursts out onto the roof, frantic.
Will sees him.
And suddenly, trembling hands move to stop the bleeding, and pause.
Will realizes there is nothing he can do, nothing he should do.
So Will holds him, salty tears streaming down his face, buried into Connor's hair.
"I love you," he manages to whisper, strength almost gone.
"I love you too. It's going to be okay, it's going to be fine," Will cries softly.
Come morning light,
The sunset shines behind them, illuminating them.
He feels so much.
He feels it all, and it's so freeing, so amazing.
His blood and his tears and Will's tears all mix and he hears Will crying.
Then it's like everything fades to black and white, with no sound.
Soon, it's back in screaming color, so loud, so, so loud.
He loves it.
He loves Will.
He closes his eyes.
You and I'll be safe and sound...