I do not own nor profit from Star Trek or Gene Roddenberrys creations.

A/N: This is just a one shot (possibly a long one) that I came up with while listening to the song 'Sideways' by Citizen Cope. Youtube it, it's a great song, and I guess this will... in a way... be a songfic. But I am mostly just thinking of this song as I write this.

"You know it ain't easy, for these thoughts to leave me, ain't no words to describe it in French or in English..."

Adelaide turned over, hearing the smooth crooning voice from the radio, stretching deeply in the blankets she shared with her heart on that warm spring Iowa morning. "Good morning sleepy." She croaked out, her eyes connecting with the ocean blues of her beloved.

James Kirk stroked her face gently, a smile across his face after having watched her for nearly an hour as the sun streaked across her gentle face. "Good morning." He smirked, reaching down to kiss her, pulling the blankets over them. She giggled, as he littered her body with sweet kisses, riling her up for another round of passion. Adelaide was only happy to oblige, allowing him between her thighs, grinding back into him, returning his kisses, her fingers dragging down his arms.

Even though he was bored of Iowa, he stayed for his sweetheart. He had known Adelaide since they were young children. Their first meeting stuck in his mind like it was yesterday. They were only five, it was Easter, and they were on the egg hunt. She was in a yellow dress with white mary janes, her black hair in pigtails. They had been racing for the same egg, purple, with blue and pink speckles. She was just a little closer to it than he was, and his first reaction was to push her down so she didn't get to it. This left a grass stain down the front of her dress, as her golden brown eyes filled with her young tears. She was carried away by her grandmother. He was urged by his own mother, who was actually on planet at the time, to apologize and let Adelaide have the egg, but she just refused the egg. "I don't want it." She huffed, a saddened frown on her face as she still hiccuped.

There were many more times like that where he made Adelaide cry. It wasn't intentional, just him being a stupid boy growing up in a boring Iowa. There was nothing exciting or stimulating for him, and so an object of his entertainment became this girl. He did typical boy things, like get her clothes muddy by kicking puddles at her, or sometimes throwing mudballs at her, finding snakes and frogs to throw on her when she least expected it. The worst one was the spider he managed to find when they were ten. She cried harder than he had ever seen her cry before, not realizing just how terrified she was of arachnids at the time.

Kirk smiled at their long history with one another, as he took in her lips. They were soft, and tasted slightly of citrus, as he moaned. He thrusted into her, sharing their tenderness, never able to get enough of her. They were 20, they were on their own, living and working, making their own way. They would get married one day when they had the money for the nice wedding he felt she deserved. He lay in her arms as he drained himself into her.

They spoke softly about the future. She wanted to go to Star Fleet, follow her parents footsteps. James was against it, something in him still resented the Fleet, blaming them for his fathers death. He didn't want to see the same fate come of Adelaide, he couldn't imagine losing her. She was the one constant in his whole life. The only positive constant, who put up with him over the years, who loved him and all of his faults.

"Well diamonds they fade, flowers they bloom, but I'm telling you, these feelings won't go away, they've been knocking me sideways, they've been knocking me out babe, whenever you come around me..."

The radio continued to croon, and it spoke to James' heart, as his fingers traced her outline.

It was a week before Jame's 21st birthday as he rode with his friends to a diner. He got off of his hoverbike, setting the helmet on the handlebar, squinting in the bright sun.

"So, Jim, what are we doing for your birthday?" Mike patted his shoulder hard, leading him into the diner. Jacob, Kyle and Gordon followed behind them.

"Well, it seems like Addy has a big surprise, so, I'm not quite sure." James smiled, looking over the menu left at their booth.

"Awww, come on Jim! You've got to live a little! You are going to be 50 years old without ever having lived." Gordon shook his hand exasperated.

Kyle chipped in. "You know, it will be so crazy if you've fucked the same pussy your entire life." The guys laughed, knowing that James and Addy had given themselves to one another, they were each others firsts.

"Yeah, well, first, as least I get pussy." James pointed his finger at two of the guys, as the diss howl erupted.

"Just think about it James, I mean, I hate to say it, but, really, let yourself live a little before settling down." His friends had began to push him.

"Alright, alright, that's good and well enough." He put his hand down, letting them know the conversation was over, but it was too late for the young man. The seed of doubt had already been planted. The entire long ride back home made him think of being with Addy for the rest of his life. He had only so much as kissed another girl, well, that came with a brief boob grab, but still, it wasn't that intimacy that he had with Addy. What if he got bored with her by the time he was 25, and then he would have to relearn how to please a woman who wasn't her? Could he really be with just her, forever? At 19 it began to sound like a taller and taller order that he wasn't sure he would be able to fill.

James felt guilty for his thoughts, seeing her getting out of her old truck, her faded blue hospital scrubs blowing in the dusty winds.

"Hey sweetheart." She called, her ponytail bobbing as she walked towards him. He lifted his visor, and knew he couldn't face her with the thoughts on his mind.

"Hey, I'm going out for a bit." He gave a sad smile that she couldn't see under his helmet, but he could see her disappointment clear as day.

"Alright, well, I'm making chicken for dinner, so, if you're hungry, It'll be in the fridge in case you get home too late." She rubbed his arm, and kissed his nose through the visor before turning around and going inside. James took off down the long road to nowhere, needing to work out his thoughts.

He never came home that night, or the next day. He sat at Kyles house, dialing all but one digit of his home number, before losing his nerve. his friends had been hanging out there as well, trying to give him some privacy. Kyles phone rang, and absentmindedly, James answered.

"Hello?" James answered.

"Hello? James, is that you?" It was Adelaide.

"Yes, it's me, yeah. Whats up?"

'whats up, I was worried about you babes, you didn't come home and I haven't heard from you today. That just isn't like you.'

"Well, Addy, I uh... Look." James sighed.

'Whats wrong Tibs?'

He couldn't stand that pet name, not right now, not while he was trying to break her heart, he couldn't stand it because he loved it.

"I think we need time apart." Jim breathed quickly. Dropping the bomb was the hardest part, The aftermath was just long and timely.

'Time apart? You're breaking up with me?' He could already hear her tears. Once again, he was being a stupid boy, hurting her just like he had in their youth.

'Well, maybe we just moved too fast, you know? We haven't really lived.' He struggled, with the urging nod of his friends.

'I get it James. I'll be gone by the end of the week, so, you can come back then.'

"You aren't gonna trash his stuff are ya?" Mike called over the phone with insensitivity.

'No, James, I am not so spiteful as to do that. I just need time to get my stuff out of there, and it's all yours.'

"Addy," He began

'It's Adelaide, James.'

"I'm sorry."

"No, James, you arent."

CLICK

That was the first night of James' liberation. However, he had been so used to a body next to him at night, it was foreign for him to be alone. After a week, he finally went back to his own home, finding no trace of her. Not a shoe, no clothes, all of her pictures, and any picture with her in it was missing. Her truck was gone, but all that remained was a note.

James-

I took my name off of the lease, and settled my end with the landlord. My part of the bills are paid through the end of next month, the bills are no longer in my name.

- Adelaide

He crumpled the note, unable to fathom the emptiness that she could have left in her wake, but he had nobody to blame but himself. And that is how his spiral began.

21? That's the age of partying. At least it was for James. It was the age to become a Star Fleet Cadet for Adelaide, who followed her dream now with no reason to stay behind in that ramshackle town.

James found alcohol a cheap and effective way to numb his broken heart, giving him the gusto to charm bar rats, take them home, fuck them on his couch and pass out. His friends would help him in his quest to fill that void in his heart.

He bedded woman after woman, never finding that perfect fit. Not like her. Every time, he thought he would find the one to make him forget about her, until eventually he used women as his remedy. That was what got him in trouble the night he his fate. He had his eyes on a particularly saucy cadet, staring at her, her long blackish hair, and olive tones caught his eyes. He did his best to get her interested before her other cadets came along. That was where his night went drastically worse.

Before he knew it, but after a good ass kicking, he was sitting there with a man named Christopher Pike, who looked him over, his words pulled at the young mans chest. The things he could do in Star Fleet, he though, looking at a dusty model of a fleet ship. He thought that night, that perhaps, if he came back as an officer, and found Adelaide again, perhaps, just perhaps, she would give them another try. He hadn't been able to get in contact with her. Nobody she knew would give him her whereabouts, or any other way of contacting her, but if he came back to this rink dink town as a somebody, then maybe, just maybe he might be able to get some answers finally. He sighed, and knew his mind was made up.

"Bones, you've got to be there, I'll pass it this time, I swear." James was excited about his next Kobiyashi Maru attempt. He found a technicality, so it seemed in his mind. Bones had been his best friend since his first shuttle ride in Star Fleet. Bones gave an exasperated sigh. "Damn it Jim, people don't go back to the Kobiyashi Maru for seconds, let alone thirds!" He hissed.

"Just say you'll be there." Jim held his friends shoulders. Bones just nodded, looking out over the grass.

"Whats going on over there?" He pointed to a large gathering.

"Oh, some flight just came back, I hear they kicked ass in the Laurentian System, but their relief finally came, so they are coming back planetside for some R and R." Jim looked over the group.

"Oh no fucking way." He stopped, staring. his eyes had perhaps decieved him in the bright afternoon, but it startled him none the less. Bones looked over, scanning the scene for a reason why his friend had gone pale.

"I gotta go." Jim rushed, leaving Bones standing there, confused.

James looked up the recent mission of the USS Farragut, the roster, right under the head, she was there. Adelaide Myers, 1st Officer

He didn't know what to say, his luck, as he rejoiced in his heart. The woman who he longed for all this time was finally so close to him. It was sort of a tradition that the bridge crew would have a few drinks at a local club upon returning, so James knew exactly where he would go that night. He dolled himelf up in a nice white shirt with a black casual jacket and slacks, before heading out.

He sat at the bar, looking out over the patrons. The captain had arrived, as had their pilot, he remembered their faces. A low croon came to his ears.

"These feelings won't go away, they've been knocking me sideways, they've been knocking me out babe, whenever you come around me..."

It breathed in his ears, taunting him. He knocked back his rum, turning back to the bar. 'Your'e an idiot Jim, coming here looking for her. She hates you.' His mind raced, trying to talk himself into leaving before she got there, if she got there. He didn't know if she even liked bars, since he dumped her before he could find out. He sighed, kicking himself once again, as he had many times over the last few years.

"Bring another one, same thing bartender." Jim wave the bartender down, and waited as his drink was slid in front of him. "Better slow down Jim, or else you'll be stumbling out of here by ten thirty." The gruff man behind the bar said to his regular. "Whats up, you hardly ever drink so much so soon." He leaned over the bar, eyeing Jim.

"It's a girl." Jim sighed, looking down his glass.

"It's always a girl, Jim." The bartender chuckled.

"Yeah, but this isn't just any girl, this was THE girl. She was everything. I was going to marry her." He sighed, taking half of his drink in a swig.

"Then what stopped ya?" The bartender started wiping out a glass. "I mean, if she was so special?"

Kirk shook his head, dazed. "I was younger and a lot dumber than I am now." Watching the bartender refill his drink, he continued. "She was the nicest person, always putting up with me, but, I began to doubt us. I made the decision to live, to be able to be a free man. I just didn't realize that living without Adelaide was no life at all."

The bartender broke out into a laugh. "Adelaide? Addy Myers? THAT'S who you gave up? You were dumb my friend, but you already know that." He shook his head.

"So, you know her?" Jim perked up, "What can you tell me about her now?" He held his drink to his lips, ready to drink.

"Why don't you ask her yourself." He nodded over Jim's shoulder. "Idiot." He muttered before tending to another patron.

'Diamonds they fade, flowers they bloom, but I'm telling you... These feelings won't go away...'

Jim turned in his stool, watching her walk towards a table of her crew mates. She wore silver heels, with a short red flowing dress. Her hair was piled up into a carefree bun, her lips painted plum, her eyes lightly painted, her liner pulled out to a cats eye look. She was so well received by her table, he began to lose his nerve. It was evident they cared for her deeply. She sat her jacket down over a chair, and made her way to the bar.

"Hey Louie, how are you?" She took a seat.

"I'm good muffin, been feeling a lot better since you told me about that massage cream, helped my back out a lot." He smiled at his sweet nurse. "Well, are you having your usual?" He cocked his eyebrow.

"Yes sir! You know me all too well." She gave him a sweet smile, resting her chin on the heel of her hand.

"It seems I'm not the only one tonight." Louie tilted his head to the man who had been staring at her since he laid eyes on her.

Their eyes locked, and it all seemed to come back. His eyes were as sweet and blue as the day she last saw him on his bike in Iowa, but she remembered the bitter cold way that he left her.

Her eyes were filled with cold, pain, passion and desire. They were as hot yet as they were cold, but he couldn't tell which side was winning out.

"James." She acknowledged.

"Adelaide." He breathed. She turned from him, waiting for her drink. Louie seemed to be intentionally stalling, which Jim was thankful for, so he could take in more of this woman before him.

"How are you?" He asked, not knowing what else to really say.

"I'm well, thank you. Yourself?"

"I've been good. Thank you." They sat in silence for a few moments, but Jim had to take the plunge.

"I've missed, terribly. I'm sorry for everything, I've been trying to find you, but nobody would tell me where to start." He moved to a closer bar stool.

"Yes, I know. I've told people not to tell you where I've gone. It was no longer your concern what I was doing with my life." She didn't acknowledge his first statement.

"Did you hear me? I said I missed you." Jim looked into her eyes, searching.

"I did hear you, but your reputation precedes you, James. I don't know if you even remember what a cold bed feels like." She drew. Louie finally set her multicolored drink down in front of her, as she stirred it with a straw. "I'm sure, you really missed me, soooooo much." She rolled sarcastically. "It was nice, James, now if you'll please, have a good night." She left him sitting there, her stinging words on his ears.

"Wow. That did not go... at all, the way I thought it was going to." James turned back to the bar.

"Well, what do you expect Jim? You broke her heart. That girl spent the first year here, absolutely miserable. She didn't know what she did to suddenly lose her lovers affections. She had been planning to propose you know?" He eyed Jim, who just shook his head. "On your 21st birthday, she was going to propose to you, break tradition, because she didn't care how much money you guys had, she knew that she wanted to be with you, no matter what. Even if you had to elope. She said you made a bigger deal of her having a big wedding than she did. She was ready to elope."

Jim swallowed hard, hearing his heart break in his chest. "She's an ice queen, but she is still smoldering in there somewhere." Louie called after him as he left the bar.

Jim shouldn't have been out that night before his Kobiyashi Maru test. Though he was confident, he was distracted by the previous night. Even though he technically passed, he still was more wrapped up in Adelaide.

"Jim, whats wrong with you man? You've been acting like your sick for the last couple of day." Bones turned to his friend. "Are you alright?" He gave a look of concern. Jim just sighed, and told Bones the story of Addy and Jim.

"Well, if you weren't my friend I'd ask if she was single, but it sounds like what you need is to get her to give you one chance to show her that you were dumb, and that you can't live without her." Bones shrugged.

"What would you do in this situation?" Jim sighed, leaning back in his chair.

"I wouldn't know, Jim, I've never treated a woman that bad, and I don't know what possessed you to, but, hey." They heard a chirping.

"Ah, academic assembly, lets go." Bones grabbed Jim by the shoulder.

In the assembly hall, all Jim could see was Adelaide from the side, in her commanders uniform. He almost didn't realize that his name had been called, as this assembly was for him and his passing of the Kobiyashi Maru.

Before he could receive his punishment, the meeting was interrupted by an urgent message. They were sent to report for duty, and he watched as Adeliaide boarded for the USS Farragut.

Thanks to Bones, he managed to get on board the enterprise, and realized shortly into warp speed, that they were speeding into a trap. He stood on the bridge, the Captain Pike put them into Red Alert. As soon as they appeared in Vulcan space, he saw the devastation of all the other crafts that had come before them. "Addy." He squeaked out, only loud enough for Bones to hear.

While Jim was on Vulcan, the enterprise docked a shuttle that had been remnants of another shuttle. Spock called his medical officers to the shuttle bay, along with security in case it was a trap, and met the escape vessel. The door hissed open, and out stumbled a few star fleet airmen and officers. "W-We are from the USS Farragut, I'm acting captain Adelaide Myers."

The last one to stumble out spoke to Spock, identifying herself and her crew to the enterprise. She was in shock, as she looked over her remaining crew. They were the only ones who made it off of there. Her captain made her leave at the first sign of trouble, intent on saving the woman he considered the daughter he never had. She managed to grab a few people on the way, as he ordered General Order 13, leading them to a shuttle. Her captain did his best to protect the shuttles that fled, but most of them were subsequently destroyed by the massive Romulan ship.

Her crew was in med bay, and she offered assistance to Bones to help with the influx of casualties. It was the only way for her to keep her mind off of the tragedy.

In the inappropriateness, Bones found himself realizing just what drew Jim to Addy. She barked out orders to his nurses, who struggled to keep up with her. She was a firecracker when she was under pressure, running things smoothly, like a well oiled machine. Hell, things worked so well under her command, he felt like he barely had any work to really do, other than oversee some issues, sign off on some orders. But on the other hand, she had a beauty and grace about her that was hard to really pinpoint and explain.

When things finally settled down, and Med Bay was cleared out, Bones took Adelaide aside and began to assess her.

"I'm so sorry for taking over here, I didn't mean to overstep my boundaries." She sighed as the events began to hit her.

"Nothin' to it darlin'." He scanned her with his tricorder, "well, besides some shock, and exhaustion, you are pretty well alright." Bones sighed. "How are you feeling there?" He rubbed her arm reassuringly.

Adelaide broke down, holding Bones close, crying onto his shoulder. She had to let her pain out, her anger and frustration. Bones rubbed her back, consoling her as best he could. The strong woman he had seen just earlier was replaced by this very human, and sensitive woman who held herself to him. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so touchy feely." She laughed through her tears, not used to hugging strangers.

Bones just rubbed the side of her face. "Hey, there's nothin to it Darlin." He murmured. "lets see if we can't find you a place to sleep." He took her hand and led her to the bridge.

Spock instructed she be taken to a spare room, and Bones escorted her. "I'm going to request that you work in medbay with me while your'e here, maybe it'll help keep your mind off of everything for now." He offered flimsily. She just smiled, reaching up and kissing his cheek. Bones almost felt guilty from that gesture, but didn't want to appear rude by refusing her.

All Jim could do was die inside. The woman he truly loved was gone, and there was no way of getting her back. It was only orders now that he carried out his mission. He didn't personally care if he made it back to the Enterprise, if he had his way, he would be sucked into oblivion to die. Never having to feel the pain and emptiness again, but the Adelaide he remembered would have wanted him to fight through. So he did.

By the time they sabotaged the drill and destroyed an entire planet, he was back on board wanting to chase the Romulan threat and destroy it piece by piece. In his soul, he wanted to tear each Romulan on board that vessel into quarters. He wanted to bathe in their blood in the name of Adelaide. His fury had grown so, he became belligerent, wanting to give chase, not run away.

Bones had entered the bridge and saw the exchange, and figured he knew where the emotion was coming from, but it was too late.

"Jim, I've got Adelaide. She's fine." Was all he was able to get out before Spock debilitated Jim, and had him removed from the ship.

Of all of the events that led Jim back to the Enterprise, and to the destruction of the Romulan menace, he never lost that pain he felt when he thought Addy had died.

It wasn't until he saw her back planet side, following her back to her quarters one night, having already had a few drinks, that he could finally approach her again.

He knocked on her door, and watched it slide open. She stood there, her hair falling over her shoulders, in a long off the shoulder t-shirt and short shorts.

'These feelings won't go away, they've been knocking me sideways, I keep thinking in a moment that time will take them away, but these feelings won't go away...'

"James. Give me one reason why I shouldn't slam the door on your face right now." She mused.

"Because I wan-want to say thank you." He stumbled out.

"Well, whatever for, I am sure you are welcome. Good night." She move to close the door, but Jim pushed it open, entering her home and closing it behind him.

"Adelaide, won't you just give me another chance? I mean, seriously!" He began.

"James, do you know how much you hurt me when you dumped me like that?" She swelled up with anger. "Ever since I've known you James, you have done NOTHING but hurt me, and make me cry. I thought, perhaps, you were finally changed, and that we would be together, that it was that romantic tale my grandmother used to talk about. Where they grow up together, realize they love each other, and grow old together, happily in love until their dying breath and beyond." She ran her fingers through her hair. "But I learned that it wasn't for us James. It just wasn't for us."

"I'm an idiot. I wanted to play, but Addy, nothing was better than you. Nothing. Nobody. I thought by now I would have been over this, but, I'm not Addy, I'm not over it, and I don't know just how to get over this." He was choking up now, his voice straining.

'Diamonds they fade, flowers they bloom, but I'm tellin' you, I'm tellin' you, these feelings won't go away...'

"Jim, you are better off forgetting about me like you did then." She sighed, not wanting to admit that he was harshly ripping open old wounds that she would rather not have to resew. The sooner they were done, the better for them both.

"I CAN'T! I NEVER forgot you!" He raised his voice. Not something he had ever done to Addy since they became exclusive. They were just never the yelling and arguing type, but hey, time changes many things. "When I thought I lost you in Vulcan space, I was dead. Here, finally I see you, and I can't even tell you how much of an idiot I was, and how much I realized over these past years that I need you more than anything. That I love you more than anything I have ever loved before, please, Adelaide..."

He stepped closer to her, taking the side of her face into his hands, looking into her eyes, searching for some indication, some clue, that she still loved him. He brought his lips down on hers. He became a broken man at that moment, tasting the citrus again, feeling how soft they were under his own, and how perfectly they seemed to fit him. He pulled back, holding her hands up to his chest.

"Marry me Adelaide." He blurted. Her mouth opened and closed while she tried to figure out a response, but was cut off. "Just say yes, say you'll have me, say you can maybe in time, forgive me." He plead.

She stepped back, shaking her head. "I won't go back, James. Life isn't about going back, it's about going forward. You chose to go forward on your path without me, just so you could sleep around. What will you do next time you are bored of me? Leave me again so you can sate your desires in other women, and once you've your fill, come back to me again? No James, you chose me as second place, and I will not settle for someones second place EVER again." She balled her fists. "This James, is not an argument you will win. When you said it was over, it was over. That is a decision you will have to live with and eventually come to terms with on your own accord. Now, I think it is best if you left." She opened the door for him again, and watched as he stepped out in complete shock. The door clicked behind him, and he knew then and there, he would never bed a woman the same way he had her ever again.

'I keep thinking in a moment that, time will take them away, but these feelings won't go away...'