Author's Notes: Because I have no inspiration, and this is the best I can do. I wrote this, which is just an extended rant on why of the many questions bugging me about Alucard. A very important question to me, very important, and hopefully, equally as important to the rest of fanfiction world as we know it!
The screen flickers on, the camera shimmers a bit before coming into focus and seemingly, put on a prop. Sitting in front stately in a simple wooden chair is a girl of 15 or 16, with long black hair, black eyes and of apparent Chinese lineage. She's saying some words to the camera man as she shifts her papers. Which is quite a feat since there's only one sheet of paper.
"...we're rolling..." says a voice offscreen.
The girl fixes her hair and smiles lightly.
Hello! I'm your host today, and my name is Byakko! This is a semi-official investigation conducted by my agency, the large, prestigious but strangely, feared, "Hellsing's Ever Luving Ladies", otherwise known as H.E.L.L,"
"Hell cannot be compared to this!" hissed a familiar voice off screen.
"I would advise you to be quiet until we're ready, Mr Alucard," she replied gently, "As I was saying, our motto is "If you can't suck it, bite it! And before I continue, let me state this, the name and slogan weren't my idea," she coughed in disapproval.
"Well, since our little introduction is over, I think it's safe to turn to our captive right now. Joe, if you please, ah! Thank you," she said as the camera swivers to...
"You impudent human..." growls Alucard animalisticly as he struggls against his bonds. Amazingly, the powerful vampire makes no difference to the normal-looking ropes that bond him.
"I will make you regret this once I escape..." Alucard laughs softly and evilly. The camera shakes a bit as the Joe shakes in fear himself. Byakko is otherwise non-plussed.
"That is, Mr Alucard, if you actually can get out of those ropes. Those were made from reeds grown especially with holy water, with ferilizer from the manure of baptized cows that were also fed holy water and 'holy' hay, and given sunlight that was filtered through those stained glass windows you find in churches,"
"Heh, well, there's nothing stopping me from just..." Alucard grins with a smug expression as he tries to disappear, but with no effect.
"I'm sorry sir. But we had anticipated all your tricks, even to this point. This whole room was left with a trough of holy water, which we left to evaporate around the room," Byakko smiles as she explains matter-of-factly.
Alucard spits in anger, "No wonder there's a foul taste in my mouth!"
Byakko takes a second to look at her question paper and says sternly to Alucard, with eerily steady eyes despite the apparent risk in this endeavour, "I hope you will cooperate with us, Mr Alucard, or else we WILL make sure you don't leave, we WILL make sure NOOONE knows where you are, we WILL make sure there will be no reason for your dear master to call upon you, thereby releasing your more potent powers, and we WILL make sure you stay here until you are nothing more than the dry corpse you were in that cell before your master,"
Alucard looks at Byakko quizzically, "Am I suppose to be intimidated?"
"Yes,"
"...heh, fine, I'll 'entertain' your pathetic human mass audience for now. Ask whatever you want, but if you do not unrestrain me by then..." his eyes flashes a second, deep crimson red. Byakko seems otherwise unaware of his reply.
"Very good, now, we only have one question. Joe, please turn back here a moment," the camera swivers to face Byakko once more, who holds up her question sheet for the audience to see. It only has one line or two typed on it, with a font that is inelligible from the distance. Byakko flips it back and reads out loud in an almost mechanical manner, "Hellsing, the manga, Tankoubon 1, Chapter 1 ((Vampire Hunter)), Page 14, quoted from Sir Integra Fairbrooke Wingates Hellsing's speech bubble, second panel down :'Only when a vampire sucks the blood of a virgin, a female if it is a dracul (male vampire) and a male if it is a draculina (female vampire), do they "proliferate" as vampires.' Close quote,"
Byakko stops a moment to steal a glance at Alucard, who seems to be silently listening with his head bent down, eyes scrinching up in suspicion as to where this was going,"
"With this quote as evidence, as well as several more found later within the same chapter and in context, we can safely assume that above all else; unless you say you are the First vampire, but with our historical research team having received critical information from the ex-vampire Helena that the very First vampire was one called Eve, we therefore know you are not, you are just exceptionally old; ahem, as I was saying, therefore we can safely assume that above all else,"
The camera swivers back to Alucard, who seems to have come to an understanding, of sorts, his eyes look a cross between bewilderment and panic.
The edges of a sardonic grin seems to perk at the ends of Byakko's mouth as she continues, "You were a virgin when you first became a vampire. How you could be a virgin at the age of 20 to 30 years old and be a Romanian Royal Prince is beyond me, but safe to say, yes, you were a virgin,"
Byakko stands up, picks up her chair and moves closer to Alucard who is clenching his teeth half in anger and half in shock, and sits down again, "The question now is, are you STILL a virgin? After 600 plus years, I suppose it is pretty embarrassing to remain a virgin at that age, now isn't it?"
"..."
"As far as most romantic fangirls are concerned, you're some sort of Casanova with teeth. The truth is, with the whole Count Dracula thing going on, everyone has the impression that you HAVE to have some experience, right?"
"Well, if you humans are so intent on thinking about breeding day and night, day and night, till even their precious, 'innocent' youth, are so easily and wilfully drawn into the dark subjugation of the mere thought. Though it disgusts me to be on the minds of such simple creatures engaging in such activities with God knows what circumstance, it is really your own imagination,"
Byakko smiles, "True, true, you have us there, Nosferatu Alucard. BUT, it still doesn't answer our question, does it?"
She chuckers softly, "I have already told you what we would do, if you do not cooperate did I? I'm willing to wait, Mr Alucard, I really am,"
Alucard starts to laugh loudly, "What makes the likes of you can outlast me! I can sleep for a long time, long enough time till the memory of you will be less than the dust your ashes will have become,"
"What makes you think I'm any more human than you are?"
Alucard looks up in slight curiousity at the statement but Byakko shrugs it off, "Now, just answer the question and we will let you go, simple, easy, straightforward. Now, shoot!"
Alucard leaned his head back over the head rest of his seat, his face plastered with a seemingly perpetual grin and letting his hair fall down in messy strands.
He lolled about leisurely, while Byakko fiddles with her question paper patiently.
Suddenly, his head snaps back and Byakko is once again at attention.
"Well, Mr Alucard? Your answer?"
But Alucard does not reply and instead, stares intently at Joe, the very frightened cameraman.
Alucard grins sardonically as his pupils seem to dilate just a bit, Byakko notices the strange behaviour, follows Alucard's line of sight to Joe's eyes and mutters, "Bloody hell..."
Joe's eyes go blank as he is placed under the vampire's control and he stands up as if on stilts in his zombie-like stupor and knocks the camera to the ground.
Fortunately, the camera remains running, though now only viewing everyone's feet. Alucard's laughter is very clear as Byakko half mutters and half yells, "Joe, Joe! Joe! Snap out of it, Joe, I mean it! Joe!"
The shuffling of feet can be heard, as well as the sound of a chair moving across the ground. The sounds of a minor scuffle and the sudden burst of quick steps. In seconds, the steps stop with a splatering sound, and Alucard's howling laughter.
"Oh bloody..." Byakko says as the camera is once again stood up properly, showing a grinning and still chuckling Alucard and a grumpish Byakko.
"Vampire mind trick, forgot about that,"
"Ha ha ha! Only the simple-minded fall under it, and are so ignorant of it!"
Byakko sighs, "Congragulations, Mr Alucard, you reduced my cameraman to a very big meat splatter on the wall,"
Alucard laughs out loud again, "However, this 'interview' will continue and-"
Suddenly, Byakko is cut short and a soft 'ow' can be heard.
"Stupid papercut...oh bloody hell again,"
Alucard licks his lips as he responds to the maiden scent of fresh blood, no matter how small.
Byakko rummage through her pockets before taking out a tissue and wiping her finger clean, while Alucard looks on with a predatorial air.
"And as I was saying..." continues Byakko as she absentmindedly throws the slightly bloodied tissue to the side, a strange little gust of wind, seemingly, almost supernaturally, flitters the paper very close to Alucard, while Byakko busies herself and takes no heed.
Alucard grasps the renegade tissue in his mouth and savors the light taste of blood, which gives him a sudden surge of energy.
"And I ask again, are you a virgin?" Byakko finallises and looks up and curses as Alucard stands up grinning, with the ropes falling harmlessly around him.
"This 'interview' is very much over," he hisses, raising his gun that has mysteriously appeared within the confines of his voluminous coat.
He points to the camera and shoots it, ending the tape.
Well, how was THAT! I admit, my humor style is really based more on how I say it, which is impossible to show in my writing, but hopefully, you got a few laughs out of this.
So, should there be more mysterious questions to be asked? After all, I'm not any more human than Alucard is, eh?