CHAPTER 1
….beep beep...whoosh whoosh...blip blip...whoosh whoosh...beep beep...whoosh whoosh...
I had fallen asleep and woken up to those same sounds now for over a week. I had been keeping vigil at my father's bedside ever since he had been brought in to the emergency room at Lakeshore. He had suffered a massive heart attack at Wrigley Field and was now in a coma. The sounds of the machines were all the evidence I had that he was still alive right now. It was still dark outside the window of his room when I lifted my head from the bottom of his bed. I rubbed at my stiff neck as I moved towards the head of his bed and picked up his hand.
"Please wake up, Daddy...there's so much I need to tell you," I said softly. Tears began to fall down my cheeks as they had every day since he had been here. If it hadn't been for Matthew this past week, I don't know what I would have done. He brought me clean clothes and made sure I ate because I refused to leave the hospital. I had been sleeping on the couch in my office at night. When I couldn't sleep, I would try to get some work done so I didn't feel like I was slacking off.
"Go home, Madster...get some proper rest," I heard a familiar voice say from behind me. I turned to see Em standing there, holding two cups of coffee and a box of Dunkin' Donuts.
"One of those had better be a frosted jelly-filled," I said, taking one of the cups from her.
"Ummm...yeah, I don't have a death wish," she said as she opened the box.
"What are you doing here so early?" I asked, taking a bite of donut.
"You're my best friend, Mads. You're hurting and I'm being supportive...like best friends are supposed to do," she said.
"Seems like I'm always hurting lately. Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy," I said, staring out the window.
"Of course you were meant to be happy! You're not thinking straight, Mads. You need to get away from here...for a little while anyway," she said.
"You're starting to sound like Matthew now," I said. I looked at my watch...6:15 AM. He'd be getting off shift in a couple of hours and he'd be coming straight here and start pleading with me to come home with him.
"We both love you, Mads...we just want what's best for you," she said.
"What's best for me is my father getting better and being able to give me away at my wedding. He doesn't even know that Matthew and I are engaged," I said.
"He will...have faith, Mads," she said.
"Why does everyone keep telling me that? I do have faith...I've always had faith! It just hasn't served me very well. Every time I have faith that my life is going right, something like this happens. Every time, Em," I said, crying again.
"Mads, you're exhausted. You're not making any sense. Please go home and get some sleep. I'll stay here with your Dad if you want," said Em, giving me a hug.
A took a deep breath in and blew it out slowly, trying to steady my nerves and stop myself from crying before Matthew arrived. I couldn't let him see me crying again. It would strengthen his argument that I needed to distance myself from the hospital. In truth, he was right and my argument to stay was weakening. Em was right, too. I was exhausted both physically and mentally and a few hours away was probably something that I needed to gain some perspective. I hated when other people knew what was better for me than I did. It reminded me too much of being married to Stephen. He loved to tell me what I should do and when I should do it. I think that's why I purposely bucked against anyone who tried to do that now, even when they had my best interests in mind.
"How's my girl?" I suddenly heard Matthew's voice speaking softly in my ear. He slipped his arms around my waist from behind and pulled me in close. He smelled freshly showered and the scent of his cologne filled my head. It was comforting in a strange way; almost like a measure of how happy he made me.
"You're here early," I said without turning around.
"Boden let me leave a couple of hours early...for you," he said.
"For me? Why?" I asked.
"Because he knows you're father is sick and he knows I want to be with you," he said. I wasn't sure that I liked the guys at the firehouse knowing my business. I suppose it was something I had to get used to. They were Matthew's other family.
"Thank fuck you're here, Casey. Maybe you can talk some sense into her," said Em, in her inimitable way.
"I'd blow raspberries at you, but I'm too damn tired," I said.
"You need to come home with me, Maddy. Your father would want you to take care of yourself, too. You know he would," he said, turning me around and looking straight into my eyes. He was right. My father was always concerned about my well being, above anything else.
"And you look like shit, Madster," said Em. I was too tired to even give her a dirty look. She was right anyway.
"OK, alright...I give up. I'll go home, but only for a few hours. I can't win with the both of you on my case," I said. I walked over to the side of my father's bed and picked up his hand again. Matthew stood close behind me with his arm around my lower back.
"I'll be back soon, Daddy. I just need to get a few hours of sleep. Em is here with you and she'll call me if you need me. I love you," I said as I kissed his hand. It was probably my imagination, but I could swear I felt him squeeze my hand a little before I put it back down on the bed.
I fell asleep in Matthew's truck as we drove home. I dreamt that I was standing on the edge of a cliff in a long white dress and I was throwing flowers into the water below it. I woke with a start as Matthew put his hand on my shoulder. My legs felt like leaden weights as I climbed the front steps of my house.
"I'm going to make you a cup of tea and run a hot bath for you. No arguments," said Matthew as he pointed to the couch and disappeared into the kitchen. A few minutes later, he came back with the tea and headed upstairs to run my bath. I rifled through the stack of papers and mail that had accumulated on my coffee table over the last few days, but my eyes could barely focus on any of it. I kicked off my shoes and sat cross legged on the couch, sipping my tea until I heard Matthew calling me to come upstairs. I could barely lift my legs as I climbed each step, feeling the fatigue in every inch of my body. As I walked into our bedroom, I could smell the jasmine scented bath water permeating the room. Matthew emerged from the en suite and walked over to where I was standing.
"Let me help," he said as he pulled my shirt over my head and unzipped my jeans. I could barely move to help him. I felt as helpless as a newborn kitten. He took me by the hand and led me into the bathroom. He had lit several candles around the edge of the tub and had soft music playing.
"Impressive, Casey," I said, weakly. He said nothing as he unhooked my bra and slipped my panties down over my hips and onto the floor.
"Get in," he ordered.
"Wow, Casey...both breasts exposed and you didn't even try to cop a feel. Em was right...I must really look like shit," I said, grinning slightly. He scowled at me, lifted me up and sat me in the bath. I was too weak to resist or even squeal.
"There. Now soak while I make some breakfast," he said, squatting down beside the tub. I cupped his face in my wet hand and looked at him for a few seconds.
"What?" he finally said.
"Just..." I said before feeling the tears fall again.
"I know, baby," he whispered as he kissed the palm of my hand. He left the bathroom and I closed my eyes and sank deeper into the warm water and bubbles. I drifted off to sleep to the sound of Michael Buble singing "Lost".
"Breakfast is ready, sleepy head," I heard Matthew say as he turned off the music and blew out the candles. I woke with an embarrassed jump, washed my face and hair, then climbed out of the bath and into the big fluffy towel that Matthew was holding out for me. He wrapped it around me, then pulled the ends of it towards him until the front of me was against the front of him.
"You're gonna get wet," I said as I looked up into his beautiful blue-green eyes.
"I don't care," he said just before he planted a tender kiss on my mouth. It seemed like forever since we kissed like this. He had moved most of his things into my house over the last week but I had spent every night at the hospital since he did. I hadn't spent any time at home with him since my father was taken ill. He was taking such good care of me that I felt pangs of guilt now for having neglected him. Despite my fatigue, I could feel my body respond to his touch until he suddenly stopped kissing me.
"Food's getting cold," he said. I reluctantly let go of him and began rifling through my dresser drawers for something to wear. I picked out a long light pink chemise with spaghetti straps, pulled it over my head, combed my hair through and slowly walked downstairs to the dining room. I picked up the mail and newspapers from the coffee table on my way and looked through it while I sat at the dining room table.
"C'mon Maddy...no bills, no business...I want you to turn that pretty little head of yours off for a little while," said Matthew as he set a plate of pancakes and sausage in front of me.
"Yes sir, Lieutenant," I said saluting him. I usually didn't tolerate being bossed around, but I knew Matthew's intentions were good. I devoured my breakfast in record time, practically licking the plate clean. I washed it down with a large glass of orange juice. I was amazed at how much better I felt with a full stomach, but I was still bone tired and in need of sleep. I yawned as I picked up the mail again as Matthew cleared the dishes from the table. I started to open one from what looked like a law firm in Manhattan when Matthew suddenly appeared.
"Madeleine Elizabeth...what did I just say?" he asked, putting his hand on his hips in exasperation. I was too tired to argue. I threw the envelope down on the table and got up from my chair, poking my tongue out at him. Matthew suddenly grabbed me and flung me over his shoulder.
"What the hell are you doing?" I squealed as he carried me upstairs.
"This is what's known as a fireman's lift and I'm a fireman. It's bed time, Ms. Coventry-Soon-To-Be-Casey," he said as he finally set me down on the floor of our bedroom. He was huffing slightly and grinning from ear to ear.
"Smug fireman, aren't you?" I said, looking at his beautiful face and feeling my desire for him surface again. My mood suddenly went from sarcastic to serious as the reality of the last week came crashing back at me. Being away from the hospital made me realize just how important Matthew was to me. He had been so wonderful this past week and I had been a miserable, neglectful cow in return. I hadn't even wanted to discuss any details of our wedding because I couldn't bear the thought that my father may not live to see it. I was being a devoted daughter, but an unappreciative fiancee.
"I am when I get you to do what I want you to. You're not often easily persuaded to do anything," he said, taking off his shirt and tossing it on the overstuffed chair in the corner. I watched him in silence as he took off his jeans and started back towards the bathroom. I touched him on the arm as he brushed past me.
"Matthew..." I said softly. He stopped and turned towards me. I took his face in my hands and kissed him...slowly at first, then more urgently as I felt him respond to me. I stopped momentarily to look at him. God, he was gorgeous.
"Maddy...?" Matthew said, puzzled that I pulled away from his mouth.
"Make love to me, Matthew," I said, pulling the spaghetti straps to my chemise down over my arms.
"You're so tired, baby...I..." he said, gently caressing my shoulders. He seemed so uncertain that it almost broke my heart. I was angry at myself for making him think I didn't want him. I always wanted him...always.
"I need to feel something other than fear and anger and sadness...I need you to wrap me in your arms so I can let it all go...please," I said, tears gently falling from my eyes.
"Maddy...my beautiful, sweet impossible Maddy," he said as he pulled at the straps of my gown and let it drop to the floor at my feet. His hands cupped my bare breasts as my hands reached down the back of his boxer briefs. He pulled them off, then gently lifted me in his arms, his mouth never leaving mine. He laid down between my legs as I opened them wider for him. His mouth moved from mine, down to my neck and breasts. I arched my back as he sucked each of my nipples into his mouth. My fingers grasped at his hair as he moved across my body, my flesh tingling everywhere he touched me. As his mouth found mine again, he entered me slowly, pushing himself in further as his tongue swept my mouth. I moaned into his mouth as he thrust slowly and deliberately. I held onto his shoulders as he moved, looking directly into his eyes as we made love. I pulled my knees back towards my head, allowing him to push deeper into me. His eyes never left mine, his gentle but urgent movements bringing me closer and closer to the sweet release I needed so badly.
"Let it go, Maddy...come for me," he said softly. My body exploded into orgasm as soon as he spoke, my body bucking underneath him as my nails dug into the skin of his shoulders. He groaned as I ripped at his skin, the muscles of his torso tightening just before he came. He let out a guttural sound as he shuddered and emptied inside me. I erupted in tears as the last of our orgasms faded. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me again. The tenderness of his touch, his patience with me and the amazing way he loved me made me feel whole again and had somehow renewed my emotional strength, despite the flood of tears.
I snuggled in close to his body, burying my face in his neck. I reveled in his scent and the feel of his arms around me. As I laid in his arms, I realized that I had to learn to give him more instead of pulling away from him when things were difficult. I was so used to retreating into myself when times were bad. Stephen had never been much of a support and after we divorced, I had had no one but myself to rely on.
"I don't know what I'd do without you," I said. I was almost half asleep but I needed to tell him just how special he was to me.
"You'll never have to," he said.
"Matthew?" I said.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"How many babies should we have?" I said. I needed him to know that even though I hadn't wanted to talk about our wedding, I still thought about our life together. It was the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. He suddenly shifted his position, rolling me over on my back and looking at me intently.
"As many as you want to give me," he said as his eyes met mine.
"Right now, I'd give you a dozen and name them all after donuts...if that's what you wanted," I said, totally serious. I wanted to give him everything he wanted.
"We're gonna need a bigger house," he said, grinning.
"And I'm gonna need the name of a good plastic surgeon," I said.
"Can you imagine just how beautiful our babies will be?" he said, his eyes brimming with tears.
"I've imagined it many times, even when we weren't together...especially when we weren't together," I said, crying softly yet again.
"You've made me so happy, Maddy...happier than I ever thought possible," he said.
"And you are everything to me, Matthew...never doubt that," I said. He kissed me softly and held me tight against him.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you too," I said. Then the world was quiet for a while.